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Am I wrong to be annoyed about this?

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Old 12-26-2013, 01:46 PM   #1
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Default Am I wrong to be annoyed about this?

I know as an adult I really shouldn't whine about anything given to me. But I am human.

When I was still living with my ex husband I had a PS3. He moved out while I was at work and took it. When I disputed this, his answer was, "Well, you didn't say you wanted to keep it, so..." The fact that I wasn't home to say anything seemed irrelevant to him.

So, since then I have tried to replace it. It's been one of those situations where every time I get a little but of money saved up I end up having to use it for something else.

Now that they have come down in price so much since the new systems are out, I dropped a few hints about it for Christmas. No one in my family actually came out and asked me what I wanted, so that's why I dropped the hints.

A few weeks ago I get a text from my brother asking me if I can buy my sister a guitar. I couldn't afford it. (I am laid off from work right now, after all.) He told me they were getting her a PS3 and asked me if I could get her an $80 game for it. I couldn't afford that either.

Today my sister opened up her PS3 and was like, "Seriously, a PlayStation?" And she had this puzzled look on her face like, "What the **** am I going to do with this?"

Then they gave me a TV. Now, I know a TV would be an awesome gift in most circumstances... but when I have no cable, and no online device to hook Netflix up to it with, it's pretty much useless.

Then my Mom explains to me that PS3s were really cheap on black Friday and they considered getting me one too in addition to the TV, but they thought I already had one. I told her no, my ex took it. And then she was like, "Well doesn't *boyfriend's name* have one?" I told her no, he doesn't.

And... throughout the day my allergies were acting up really bad, causing all kinds of sinus misery and making my eyes water and my nose run. My Mom kept asking me about this. She asked me why I was crying at one point. I told her it's my allergies. She was like, "Your allergies are making you cry?"

Then she starts with the "Are you crying because you're disappointed?" And yes, while I was disappointed, I wasn't crying because of that. It really was allergies. My nose was running and my eyes were watering, it's not like I was sitting there sobbing.

And then she just kept bringing it up that they were going to get me a PS3 but thought I already had one. That doesn't make much sense to me. Why would you consider buying something for someone if they already have it? Idk... after a while it was almost like she was just rubbing it in my face and prodding for a reaction. And her constant badgering about my allergies and why I was crying was making me really uncomfortable and it was making me really want to cry.

And now, I know there are going to be conversations had by them about how ungrateful I am, how they bought me a TV and I was still not happy, etc.

Last year I didn't get what I wanted either... and then a week after Christmas my Mom teasingly announced that she was going to get me what I wanted but I didn't formally ask her to, so she didn't. Well, it's pretty tacky and childish for an adult to outright ask for something for Christmas. It's not like she gave me the opportunity and said, "What do you want for Christmas?"

Idk, after a while of this crap I start wondering if it's me that's messed up or if it's them. I am the one that's supposed to have mental problems. But my family pulls stuff like this on me and somehow I always feel guilty afterwords like I did something wrong.

And it's obvious my sister didn't even want her PS3. My boyfriend said maybe she'll sell it to me. But I'm not going to ask or even suggest that. I know that will just cause all kinds of drama.

And I really do appreciate the TV they got me. I know TVs aren't cheap. I just currently have no use for it.

I didn't say or do anything hostile toward any of them. I kept myself in check pretty well all day.

So am I wrong to be annoyed? Am I just being an ungrateful brat?

I am not a Christian, the birth of Jesus means nothing to me. I would be all about time with family and all that, if it wasn't so upsetting every year.
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Old 12-26-2013, 02:10 PM   #2
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It's upsetting when it feels like others aren't paying attention to what you're saying and it's also upsetting when someone takes things away from you without asking. It may be "only" about a PS3, but it doesn't make the underlying feeling any less valid. Also, it's quite common that people show their love through giving gifts. So if the gift you get isn't "you", then it can feel like you're not seen or loved. Been there, experienced that.

I've also experienced the realization that it's much better to be open and honest about what it is that you need and want. If others can't help or provide, then that doesn't mean anything more than that they just can't do that. However, if you only drop hints and don't say what you're thinking and feeling, then you're only telling yourself that your needs do not matter and it's impossible for other people to figure out what you want.

You could just ask your family if it would be OK to return the TV and get the PS3 instead. Or exchange gifts with your sister. It's not wrong to do so. People just want to see others happy when they give gifts. Just be honest about what makes you happy and talk openly about it without drama or accusations. Problem solved.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:06 PM   #3
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if your sister didn't want a PS3 and you can't use a TV, it sounds like they overall aren't giving "you" gifts

however I don't think it's tacky to straight-up tell someone what you want for Christmas....I often send DH a list of things i'd like for Christmas because he often doesn't remember what I said or can't think of anything to get me...and DH is sooooo hard to shop for that I'd much prefer he gave me a list of ideas also

i totally understand the allergy issues too....i can sometimes have red, swollen eyes from allergies and people think I've been crying...however they DON"T pursue the issue if i simply tell them it's allergies....for your family to harp on that with you is just odd

if i was you, i'd return the TV and buy what you want or if you don't live in their area, sell the TV and use the money to buy a PS3
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:37 PM   #4
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I agree- see if you can return the TV and exchange for a PS3 at the store. Or sell the TV online. It sounds like you already have a TV.

You may check online too for the PS3- people that upgraded this year on game systems may sell their old ones at a reasonable price you can afford esp. after you return the TV.

As to telling people what you want for Christmas (or birthdays, or whatever) my family does that. The kids give us lists, still, and one is 23 and the other is 18. My DH and I put wish lists together on Amazon, and then we can buy exactly what the other wants right down to brand/size/model number. I think it's better than a crapshoot of hoping someone doesn't have something already or hoping they'll like it. My DH, in particular, is very picky. For example, let's say he wants a new cordless drill. He doesn't just want a cordless drill. He wants a Dewalt cordless drill with a 1/2 chuck, and if I were to get him the Makita brand it might just sit on the shelf because it's not what he wanted. And the kids are the same way. However, I do think it's appropriate to wait for someone to tell you they would like some ideas for you rather than just handing them a list because that can come off as presumptuous.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:34 AM   #5
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I don't think you're being an ungrateful brat, but you're handling the situation in an immature way when there are plenty of logical solutions to this. First off, stop wallowing in the "drama." In order to get past any drama you must rise above it. What you seem to be upset about is that nobody is paying attention to your true needs and feelings. Those can't be addressed with gifts.

I used to be upset at my husband for the unwanted gifts he got me. I used to wallow in the whole "he must not care" thoughts. But I took charge and addressed the issue. I straight up told him that I have a wish list on amazon - please check it when it doubt on what to buy me. You know what he said? "Thank you! It's impossible trying to guess what you want!!!!" Occassionally to other family members I drop the hint of my wish list as well.

Why are you upset with the tv? In this consumer driven society gift receipts aren't even needed to return a gift, especially something like a tv. Just checkl online to see where they sell it (Macy's, Best Buy, or wherever) and take it to that store and RETURN IT! It's so ridiculous to hold on to an item that you do not need. Or make a trade with your sister, give her the tv and take the PS3 off her hands - why this would cause more drama I don't understand but again I say rise above it.
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Old 12-27-2013, 02:00 PM   #6
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Sometimes, I think we would all be better off to just share meals and each other's company during the holidays and agree to NOT exchange gifts. It is too much pressure to get the perfect gift and a waste of money to buy gifts that other's don't want, need and/or won't use.

I've been surprised in the past that a Niece wasn't interested in an ITunes Gift Card and that a cousin didn't find a gift certificate to Amazon.com something she would use. Here I was, going generic. . . .


SOMETHING TO CONSIDER ABOUT THE TV:

I cancelled my cable, when I got laid off my job. I get HD broadcast channels by using an HD rabbit ear-type antenna in my bedroom and a different indoor antenna in my front room. Many others use a roof-top antenna.

If you live in a rural area, it might not work for you. There is a website where you can put in your zip code and it will suggest antenna choices. The channels you can receive via a personal antenna are NOT compressed and a better quality than with cable and dish networks. I find plenty to watch from regular broadcast channels and then I get Netflix DVD's in the mail.

Just something to consider. I find I have more than enough to watch on TV with an antenna and Netflix DVD's.

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Old 12-27-2013, 03:39 PM   #7
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I'm sorry your family gave you a thoughtless gift and were insensitive, DazeGypsy. The holidays are stressful enough without feeling like your family isn't being supportive. I've always been taught that once something is given as a gift, it is the recipient's to do with as they please. My vote is for returning it for someone that you would like and could use.

My Christmas Eve was spent in the ER (my dad fell off the roof fixing Christmas lights and earned himself an impressive concussion!) and I have to say, that kind of put things in perspective for me. Prior to that, I had been mentally grousing about all of the cooking related gifts I knew I was going to receive from my mom- I hate cooking and she knows that!

But after sitting there in the hospital, worrying about my dad and being surrounded by some really sad stories (suicide attempts, drug overdoses, mental health crises), I kind of let go of the seasonal angst because, you know what? It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Try not to stew over the whole situation, DazeGypsy, it won't do you any good.

Hope your New Years is a lot better!
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Old 12-27-2013, 04:21 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by munchey View Post
[font="Trebuchet MS"][color="Indigo"]Sometimes, I think we would all be better off to just share meals and each other's company during the holidays and agree to NOT exchange gifts. It is too much pressure to get the perfect gift and a waste of money to buy gifts that other's don't want, need and/or won't use.
I agree with this 100%. I have a friend in Canada whose family has a tradition of drawing a single name to buy a gift for, with a max of $20. They celebrate by getting together and enjoying each other's company and (as Christians) celebrating the birth of our Lord which I think should really be the point of the season. I wish I could do that, but in my family I'd be seen as a Scrooge if I did. It's not that my family is material, but rather they measure love by gifts. My Mom, for example, would be crushed if I told her not to shower me with presents every year (seriously, it's Christmas MONTH for her, not Christmas day) even though the reality is that I have too much stuff as it is and really want to downsize and it's even harder when I'm looking at something to get rid of and remember my Mom gave me that and then feel guilty for even thinking of getting rid of a gift my mom gave me. I would LOVE to change our family into a "no gifts at Christmas" family but have no idea how to do it without alienating everyone.
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Old 12-27-2013, 04:33 PM   #9
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I think a gift list for anyone over 18 is silly. It makes an adult look like a child. When the person is over 18 and not my spouse, including my daughter, I'd rather give cash or my best guess at something that I think will mean something to them. (Spouses get a single boxed gift - ideally something with some thought behind it but not very expensive) It avoids all this drama. Often, it's too hard to detect the subtle hints given for gifts, particularly if the hint is passed during a time when the "target", I mean other family member, is thinking about something else. And, if my gift misses the mark, the receiver is welcome to exchange it, sell it, etc... that's what a gift is. At least I tried my best.

Gift lists and gift hints are for Santa, and he goes poof at 18, for certain.
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Old 12-27-2013, 06:06 PM   #10
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I think a gift list for anyone over 18 is silly. It makes an adult look like a child. When the person is over 18 and not my spouse, including my daughter, I'd rather give cash or my best guess at something that I think will mean something to them. (Spouses get a single boxed gift - ideally something with some thought behind it but not very expensive) It avoids all this drama. Often, it's too hard to detect the subtle hints given for gifts, particularly if the hint is passed during a time when the "target", I mean other family member, is thinking about something else. And, if my gift misses the mark, the receiver is welcome to exchange it, sell it, etc... that's what a gift is. At least I tried my best.

Gift lists and gift hints are for Santa, and he goes poof at 18, for certain.
My gift list works for me. I keep it year round and occasionally gift myself with something. It's really a compilation of things I need like a nice meat thermometer, a cookbook I've been longing for, or a nice mirror. It's not silly at all to keep a list of things that I want and need, and I never ever believed in santa. I keep a list for everyone I know actually, and I jot down gift ideas all year long when I think of them. Well, my fitbit one was on my wish list and lo and behold, now it's in my hands thanks to hubby checking my list.
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Old 12-27-2013, 07:26 PM   #11
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My gift list works for me. I keep it year round and occasionally gift myself with something. It's really a compilation of things I need like a nice meat thermometer, a cookbook I've been longing for, or a nice mirror. It's not silly at all to keep a list of things that I want and need, and I never ever believed in santa. I keep a list for everyone I know actually, and I jot down gift ideas all year long when I think of them. Well, my fitbit one was on my wish list and lo and behold, now it's in my hands thanks to hubby checking my list.
*nods* As I tell my little niece, different families do different things and that's OK. I know families that share wish lists, those that don't, families that don't do gift cards or cash, families that keep things small and families that go big.

My family prefers to share ideas (not to say we don't deviate from the wish lists, just that it gives a nice place to start), but my in-laws like it to be a total surprise. Nothing wrong with either way of doing things, in my mind at least.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:27 PM   #12
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sooo does your sister want a tv? maybe trade?
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:52 AM   #13
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*nods* As I tell my little niece, different families do different things and that's OK. I know families that share wish lists, those that don't, families that don't do gift cards or cash, families that keep things small and families that go big.

My family prefers to share ideas (not to say we don't deviate from the wish lists, just that it gives a nice place to start), but my in-laws like it to be a total surprise. Nothing wrong with either way of doing things, in my mind at least.
Yes, to each their own and if it works for a family then who's to criticize or call it silly? Although I gotta say that I like receiving money as a gift I don't like giving it... it feels like a cop out to me, like I can't be bothered to figure out something to buy you. The people who give me money are elderly grandparents, who can't go out into the throng of people to shop or do online shopping and so I get it, it's easier to give me the money and let me pick something out for myself.

The key is to have good communication within the family, and be able to express yourself if you don't think that your needs are being met. That doesn't mean that anyone should be ungrateful for a gift they didn't like, like the OP. But clearly something is wrong if everyone is unhappy about their gift, and the mere mention of it brings on drama. It seems like common sense to return the tv and get what she wants instead but her resistance to do that because of the "drama" means that there is not good communication going on. My mother bought me a sweater I didn't like and I told her (in a kind way of course) that it's beautiful but that I will exchange it for one that suits me better and she is ok with that. She'd rather I have something I like than to hold on to something I'll never wear.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:31 AM   #14
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DazeGypsy...I feel like I can understand where some of your frustrations come from - I come from a narcissistic family and when I would describe some of my family problems, often I would have trouble
1.) expressing my feelings
2.) conveying how upsetting a situation was (because on the surface, each individual issue seemed so small, but it really wasn't)

Usually, it would seem like doing this or that would better my situation, but really would never fix anything because it all stemmed from bigger family issues.

While its not totally the same experience, my family would often make me take gifts (things that they didn't want) and keep on bothering me unless I took them, and then use it to tell others how much I "needed" them because I took a gift that they secretly pushed me to take. They liked to use it as a way to show and describe what a burden I was. I was reading up on narcissism and found that I could relate a lot.
Thought that this might be of interest to you -
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/narcissism

Just a thought!
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