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Old 09-19-2013, 09:24 PM   #1
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Default I think I'm doing something wrong here.

I guess I should give back story before I go into this:

I have a friend, who's well... more than a friend. I guess you can say we're friends with benefits, but it really is more to it than that, and it's complicated. It's like...we're definitely more than friends with benefits, in that it's really obvious we have feelings for each other, but due to our current circumstances, a real, official relationship isn't really feasible. Circumstances being neither of us really have the time nor money to invest in a relationship and keep it stable. Neither of us make a lot of money in the first place, and we live a good hour away from each other, so it takes a lot of gas and money just to go see each other. He makes more money than me, but his bills and his band take up most of his money so he never really has any left over to come see me or take me out, so I usually just go to his house. And the thing about this is, because we know an official relationship isn't really right for us right now despite our feelings, we allow each other to see other people as long as we're honest with each other about it and we're being careful.

That being said... to be honest with you guys, although I -really- and truly do love this guy, and I understand and am okay with how our relationship is, it's not very fulfilling sometimes. I want him, I want to be with him and I want to spend my time with him, but because he isn't able... I've been wanting to see other people. Sometimes I'm fine with how things are and that's all I want, but then I want to go out or something. And he knows and understands this. He wishes he could take me out and spend time with me like a "real" boyfriend ought to, but he just can't, which is why we're okay with each other going out with other people -- for that reason; if we find something better, we're free to go forth and do whatever makes us happy. (Of course, whenever I mention another guy, he always gives me that, "Great, I hope it goes well!" like he's all supportive of it, but I can always tell that he's jealous. It's the same with me.)

So anyway, like I said, sometimes I'm fine with the way things are, but sometimes I just want to go out, and sometimes I kinda hope that it turns into something if I go out with another guy, and sometimes I'm not. Right now, I really don't care one way or the other, but I really love my best friend (thats the best way I know how to refer to him, lol) and to be honest,i dont really want to see other people. But, I also want to go out, and I know he can't take me out... so I joined a dating website thinking maybe something better would come out of it. Maybe not, it didn't matter one way or the other, right?

Well, I went out with this guy a couple weeks ago that I actually had gone out with before, after meeting on the same website. I told my best friend about it, well, I posted about it on Facebook before I told him (cause it wasnt a secret; it was a "date" in that the guy took me out to dinner, but that was really all it was, so I didn't feel bad about posting it), and he asked me about it. And then I told my best friend about it the next time we hung out, and I voiced to him that I didn't really care if it anything sparked from the "date"; I just wanted to go out. And he told me that was kind of a sleazy thing to do because it's like I'm just using the guy to buy me dinner. Of course, I wanted to tell him that I'd prefer to just go out with him (my best friend), but since he couldn't afford to I was seeking other options. But I didn't cause I didn't know how he'd take that. I told him it wasn't a big deal because the guy was kinda flakey anyway (which he is) and really super duper busy (guy i went out with goes out of town a LOT and is rarely around in the first place; this date was a rare opportunity, lol) so a relationship with him wouldn't happen anyway. We dropped the subject and carried on.

Well, tomorrow night, I have dinner plans with another dude from the dating website. And I kinda had second thoughts about it early on because I thought about what best friend said about using guys for dates, and I felt like that was what I was doing. And I told the guy that I wasn't sure, but he ended up talking me into giving him a chance. And I kinda feel like I should, and I am going on the date for that reason... but idk. I kinda feel like I'm doing exactly what I did before and "using" the guy for a date. Cause I know I don't really want a relationship with anyone, shoot I barely have time for the one I have with my best friend, lol. But I want to go out....so I don't know. I kinda feel guilty about it, and I'm almost compelled to cancel the date... but then I really feel like I should give this guy a chance cause he could be better than what I have going on. And the thing is, if best friend won't take me out, and I shouldn't go out with guys just for the sake of going out...what should I do? I thought about just going out with my girlfriends instead, but the reality is I want to spend time with my best friend outside of his bedroom (and I don't just mean that sexually, we hang out in his bedroom when I come over, lol) and I don't want to have to foot the bill every time, and I know he usually can't afford it. So it's kind of a lose-lose situation.

Should I feel guilty for going out with guys and having no intentions of pursuing relationships with them? Maybe I should indicate that on my profile so it's not like I'm using them. But I feel like that's still a form of using people. I don't know what to do about this. :/ Part of me feels like I should just leave best friend as a best friend and just pursue other guys... but I don't want to. I love him. And it's hard for me to pursue other people knowing I don't have the desire to. I feel like I'm doing them a disservice, but I'm also doing myself a disservice. Maybe I should just learn to get fulfillment from my girlfriends and not worry about guys at all. But I don't want that either, lol. Ugh! I don't know how to do this!
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Old 09-19-2013, 11:05 PM   #2
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just a few thoughts, in no order and not meant to offend....

money and time come and go....sometimes people in long term relationships are broke, sometimes they then get a good job...sometimes married couples are super busy with work and kids, then later in life are not....if you want a long term relationship with someone you just have to "roll with the punches" and go with what part of life you are in at the moment

i also wondered, if you have time to date and go on dating websites, why not use that time with the guy you really want to be with....Skype or chat or whatever even if you can't go there to be right with him...take that time and use it in some way with him

but of course he also needs to meet you halfway...if he would prefer to use his time seeking out and dating others, than this might not be the right man to put effort into

im sure i have more thoughts but i'm awfully tired
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Old 09-19-2013, 11:41 PM   #3
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To answer your question, I think honesty would be most fair and honourable. Is there anywhere on your profile to indicate that you're only interested in short-term or casual dating? That way, if you do go out with someone, they've had a heads up and it's fair game.
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:50 AM   #4
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I'm just wondering how you'd feel about your 'best friend' guy seeing someone else. A relationship has more to do with having the money or time to see them, it's about making the time to see them regardless of if you have money or not. Your half-hearted attempts at dating other guys sounds to me like you perhaps want to make your bestie so jealous he'll declare he wants to be with you. There's no need to play that game. You admitted you want things to be something more with your bestie, don't wait until it's too late and he's found someone else, tell him or write him a letter if you can't. No relationship is easy and if you want things to work out you need to make the effort, despite all the obstacles. If you don't think he's worth the effort then just move on. Good luck with whatever you choose.
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Old 09-20-2013, 04:04 AM   #5
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eh...I have mixed feelings. I'll try to sort them.

1. I think if you really love someone, and this goes for the two of you, you will do what it takes to be together. When it all comes down to it, you do what you want to do. If you WANT to be with that person (this is under the assumption that two people love each other and want to be together, feelings mutual and simultaneous) nothing will stop you. In my opinion, one hour is NOTHING. I've been in love with someone 8000 miles away and we made it work because we wanted to (in the past). Distance and money should not be an obstacle. That sounds like an excuse, imo.

2. You're not exclusive so you absolutely should feel no guilt about going out on dates. You say you are open to the possibility of more happening with some of these men if that were to flourish, so, how is this any different than any other dating scenario? People should know that not every date ends up in a relationship, so, casually dating should honestly be how any date should be approached in the beginning no matter who is paying for the dinner, etc. Now, once things become more serious, then that should be revised.

I guess I don't see what you're doing as wrong. I think as long as your conscience is clear, you're fine. Enjoy being single, too! It's a fun time.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:25 AM   #6
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My two cents:

My husband and I started off much the way you did. Best of friends even, stil are. We spent 3 years traveling back and forth to one another's house, me to his more often than him to mine. We where 72 miles away from each other. He was paying his ex wife off, so he had no money. I was a college student working a part time job, so I had no money.

Often times, we ended up doing nothing more than sitting in his room playing the XBOX or watching a movie. We ate boxed mac and cheese and "dates" were RARE...like...non existent rare.

At first, it bothered the ever loving heck out of me. I WANTED TO GO OUT! I wanted to be romanced. So, I met Justin and dated him casually while still seeing my now current husband.

He never complained. But he took an air of possession with me and started finding a way to entice me his way more often. We couldn't afford to go out, but he COULD pack a picnic. We could go for a walk at the local park. We could catch the occassional cheap seat $20 tickets for a concert...or even the free ones they have from time to time.

Then he switched it up on me and considered going back to his ex wife. Talk about a serious mind F***!!! He was just doing what I was doing...but...OMG! The very thought of sharing him with her?!?! I immediately broke it off with Justin (who took me on dates I might add, to expensive places even) and started trying to find more time with my current husband.

Soon after, I moved in with him, commuted to work (afterall, I had been driving to his place nearly daily as it was), took online classes, lived on a seriously tight budget, we got pregnant, we got married, I found a new job closer to work, ex wife stopped received alimony (YEAH for time limits!!!) and now, we are happy as can be, been together 8 years, madly in love, and fixing to buy our first real house. Almost debt free, with the exception of my student loans and $1500 left on my car.

My point is, if you too both love each other, like you claim, it WILL kill you both inside to see the other dating someone else, even casually. If you truly love each other, figure out what is more important to each of you and make the necessary adjustments in your lives to make it work. The thought of my husband going back to his ex, or to any woman, broke my heart and made me realize I COULD NOT LOSE HIM! He was better able to cope then I was, but it still messed him up, to the point he had to find other means of getting the attention I was denying him, even if unintentional.

Just my two cents.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:26 AM   #7
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My heart is really at a battle with my mind with this one. My heart wants my best friend so bad it hurts. My heart wants to marry him. But the other reality is and I guess heart was talking last night and failed to mention this; the biggest reason we aren't official is because he's a commitment phobe and has expressed to me that it's not that he doesn't want to be with me or doesnt love me, I don't think he wants to be in that kind of relationship with anyone. He wants me to focus on getting my life together. He wants to focus on making his life better. He even said he thinks part of the reason why I have problems is because I spend so much time worrying about loving him and making him happy that I forget to love myself and do the same for myself. And brain agrees. Brain wants to do for Lauren and go out with guys and not worry about a relationship period (mych like bestie.) Heart wants best friend and that's it.

I want to satisfy both the heart and the mind. That's the bottom line. I don't think that's possible though.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:30 AM   #8
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Zoesmom, I often wonder if that's how me and bestie will end up. But a big part of me thinks I shouldn't live my life based off the idea that that will happen. Maybe it will; maybe that's my destiny. But should I just keep going as I'm going and not worry about it?
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Old 09-20-2013, 09:39 AM   #9
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Oh gosh, I messed up.

Because I wasn't sure about the current date with the new guy to start with, I didn't tell bestie about it. Then I had my little depression spell, and I wanted to hang out with bestie after it all and he wanted to hang out with me. And I told him because I felt like he should know and I shouldn't hide it. And he's pissed because he thinks i only told him cause I felt guilty and I had some f-ed up scheme planned or something. I don't know but he's mad, and I cancelled my date tonight cause I couldn't go on it knowing that it was going to hurt my best friend. I feel absolutely terrible. I should've been upfront with everyone from the start. The guy I was gonna go out with tonight didnt even know my friend existed.

I need to learn how to be honest with people and accept things for what they are. I didn't want to tell my friend cause I thought he'd get mad, and I didn't want to tell new guy or cancel that date because I thought HE'D get mad. I'm scared to tell anyone anything in fear that they'll get mad at me. I'm really glad I'm going to see a counselor today. I think he couldn't have come at a better time.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:26 AM   #10
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Based on your last post, I think you're creating problems for yourself in how you're handling this, but you are so stressed I imagine you felt like you "had" to tell them this morning - no judgment. But zoesmom had excellent advice for you.

It's not your heart that's tugging you, it's hormones. And I don't mean to be suggest it's just about sexytime. Hormones are powerful. The infatuation feeling is very, very powerful. And makes it hard to see what's really at hand. From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like an evenly reciprocated situation. It sounds like you're into him a lot more than he's into you. I have been on both sides of that. And I've really struggled with a big issue it seems like you're dealing with -- making choices solely to get approval (or at least, to avoid disapproval) from others. That is really tough. Hope the counselor clicks with you. If not, try another. Regardless of the reality with the one guy, you have to come first. That will be key to any solid relationship - with him or anyone else.

If you do keep going on dates from the site, why not just split the dinner bill? No guilt of using anyone.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:21 AM   #11
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The new guy still wants to see me tonight. He won't take no for an answer. But I told my best friend I wouldn't go. And part of me wants to stand by that so I can show that I'm serious about the way I feel about him, cause he pretty much told me he needs to be apart from me until he feels like he can trust me again. I really don't blame him for being hurt. But I feel like going out with the new guy will say that I don't need my best friend but I do need him. I need him more than anything. If it wasn't for him I probably would've killed myself this week. He was there for me and he's always there for me and he cares about me and I just slapped him in the face. I don't know what to do.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:22 AM   #12
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Best friend said I should go. "Why not? You planned it anyway."
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:30 AM   #13
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Best friend said I should go. "Why not? You planned it anyway."
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:49 PM   #14
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You shouldn't feel guilty for dating these guys... they made a choice to spend time with you! Anyone guilt tripping you for that is honestly trying to manipulate your emotions.

I'm not trying to be callous, but it sounds like your bestfriend/friend with benefits has you wrapped around his little finger. He's set his boundaries (no formal commitment), but he's not respecting your boundaries (dating other people if you're not in an exclusive relationship).

I don't think he's going to change his boundary, and trying to make him change is going to wind up hurting you. You can only control YOUR boundaries, and ask him to respect that or face the real consequences (you leaving).
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:49 PM   #15
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What Vabs said.

This guy friend sounds a little bit like a user to me. He keeps dragging you back to him emotionally, but then he won't commit. Then he feeds this whole "needing time" business, which I have always found to be a line of complete bull. Not to be harsh, but a lot of the time it is. He doesn't have much of an excuse to be hurt if HE'S the one not wanting to make a commitment. He's pouting, wanting a level of emotional commitment to him, but he's not giving it back to you.

In my opinion, run away from the commitment phobe. If you really can continue this whole friends with benefits deal without becoming emotionally wrapped up in this guy (which you obviously are), then I say go for it. But it sounds like, as Vab said, this guy has you wrapped around his finger. Whether he's purposely stringing you along or not, I can't say, but it doesn't sound like he's the kind of guy that's in a place for any kind of a relationship.
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