Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with your likes. My sister thought that too though, nice equals boring, but not necessarily so. My husband likes a good fart joke as well as the next guy. We aren't into metal but he likes sailing, aerobatic and glider flying, not exactly sports of the weak. I'm pretty sure every first dater that you've had likes pizza and beer but has enough respect for you to roll out the red carpet to express that respect. I think you are confusing "not giving a crap" with spirit and depth and respect for weakness.
You are young. At some point you will want your life to be about more than metal and parties. If you want to swim in that ocean for a while, fine. Have fun but beware of the rip tides and don't get swept out to sea by falling in love with someone that doesn't and won't love or care for you. IMO you aren't ready for a relationship just yet anyway. You need to find yourself first. Best of luck to you.
I have to give the counselor a couple more shots to feel him out.. he didn't really offer any kind of advice or support on the first go. He really just kinda let me talk and then summarized my "problems" back to me and that was it. It kind of made me feel like all I was to him was another patient. I dated a guy who was a psychology student in training to be a counselor and he was like that -- anytime we talked about something "deep", I felt like I was being treated like a patient instead of someone he actually cared about beyond the doctor's office. I need to feel like I'm important all around, not just in the hour or so that I speak with someone.
My last counselor really made me feel like I was important to her and I was more than just her patient. Even if that was all I was to her, it's important for me to know that the person I'm pouring my soul out to actually is concerned and cares and wants to help. She felt like my best friend and because of that I really did well from her sessions and that was actually the last time me and "best friend" had a long break, and I was fine...until whatever the counselor left me with wore off and I started feeling bad again. :/ I'm scared I won't ever be able to live my life without someone holding my hand through it.
It's understandable to want to feel like "more than just a patient" to your counselor. However, feeling like you're friends with your counselor isn't the same thing as receiving good counseling. I'm not an expert on this stuff, but my understanding is that the counselor's job is usually to help his clients resolve specific problems and move forward in life. This doesn't require that he be every (or any) client's friend (which sounds like it would be exhausting, anyway), only that he be appropriately knowledgeable and use his knowledge to try to help them solve their problems.
The sentence I bolded in your quote is something that would probably be good to bring up with your counselor, if you haven't already. There are things you can do to become more emotionally self-sufficient and self-confident. Your counselor can probably help you with this. I don't know if I've ever recommended my favorite book to you. Sorry if I have. I think you might find some of the opinions and exercises in it helpful in working through some of the thoughts and beliefs that are causing you distress, so I'll recommend it again. Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.
Vintagecat has incredible insight. It's not often you're going to hear such eloquently expressed wisdom and concern so try to really listen. "Life is a beautiful gift, even in pain in sorrow" bravo.
Today was better, great in fact. I went to a musical festival with one of my female best friends and had a blast and ate too much food and ...well that's another story and I ate way more than necessary. I'll be so glad when my period comes, lol.
But it's still hard and I still feel lost. My guy was gonna go to that festival with me before all this went down, and he even told me that he didn't really even want to go cause it wasn't his style of music, but he'd go for me. I told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, which is why I went with my girlfriend instead. And while I was enjoying myself, it made me sad that he wasn't by my side. And that there was a possibility that he might never be by my side again.
Before things got tough with his money situation he was making an effort. We'd switch off, he'd come to my house one weekend and then I'd go to his. Sometimes we'd go out and sometimes we wouldn't, and on the nights he came to my house I'd cook for him and we'd watch movies and it was just nice for him to be around...and then **** got rough and I got bored and instead of just voicing to him that I was bored I decided to fix it on my own. He took time out of his life to make sure I was okay while I was depressed. He didn't have to respond to me or talk to me, but he did. He has his moments of selfishness a lot which irks the **** out of me and is why I don't want to go back to him if he does decide to come back... but he's not always like that, and I remember that and I remember the times he has gone out of his way for me and I wish I could just stop worrying about it.
Losing someone you care about is hard. It just is. He's such a big part of my heart. -sigh- I know I'll be okay and one day I'll get used to being alone but for right now it just sucks a big one.
*Disclaimer I wrote this before reading everyone else’s responses*
Honestly, it sounds to me like you and best friend are using each other as back up, “pseudo-relationships”. That’s not fair to anyone. It sounds like you’re interested in being with him, but are making excuses for why you’re not (eg too busy, no money, distance). In my opinion, the whole “we’re-friends-with-benefits-but-I-want-something-more-but-he-doesn’t-have-time-for-me” sounds like a recipe for heartache.
If it were me, I’d cut out best friend entirely and see other people. Even if you aren’t seeking a serious relationship it doesn’t mean you’re using guys for dates/dinner. It means you want to meet people and have fun. It sounds to me like best friend wants to keep you on the sidelines for himself and is manipulating you by trying to make you feel guilty for going out.
If cutting best friend off prompts him to want to get serious with you, well then you can re-consider. But if I were a betting gal I’d say that he’d let you go without causing a fuss and find someone else to satisfy his needs – and that isn’t the type of man you want to be with in the first place.
That’s just my take as an outsider going off of what you wrote. There’s every chance I could be completely miss-reading this (and I kind of hope I am). Either way, good luck to you!
Part of me, a big part of me, wants everyone here to be wrong. But the other part knows y'all are probably right, and the thing is, me and him have never been "cut off" from one another long enough to see what would happen. We'll say "Oh we're not gonna see each other for a while" and then a week or two later we're right back to where we were. And sometimes it's him making the call back, sometimes it's me. We always go right back to each other. But I always wonder if there will be a next time and if the next time will be permanent. This is a "next time" so I'm wondering what the outcome will be. I guess I should just move on entirely... but I'm not ready for men. Not other men, anyway. I'm not comfortable enough with myself. Not that I can find men I actually like, anyway, like I said before.. I don't necessarily need the guy to be a complete dead-end, going nowhere, doesn't give a **** about ANYTHING bad-boy type. But I don't want a complete goody-two-shoes either, ya know? I find it hard to connect with these people. But then again, anymore I find it hard to connect with anyone.
I'd really like to get involved with more things on campus but if y'all go look at my other post entitled "I am so OVERWHELMED!"... I don't think I can. I'd love to join my university's choir or some other music group because I love music, or a poetry group or something... but my schedule can get so whack sometimes I can't really fully commit to anything that isn't flexible. Volunteering is something I can choose to do whenever I'm free. That makes it really hard to get out there and socialize and meet people. I feel like I really am doomed to be alone as long as I keep my retail job. I wish I could just quit the damn thing, but then I couldn't pay my bills, even if I just got a part time job somewhere. It's like I've had to sacrifice myself entirely so I can afford to do it later. =/
Last edited by mimsyborogoves; 09-22-2013 at 05:34 PM.
You're going around in circles. I dot really understand anymore what the issue is, there are too many at this point. You're busy, you're overwhelmed, you're not ready for men, you don't want to be alone, I've honestly lost the whole point of this discussion. All I know is there is some kick *** advice being given but you don't seem to notice any of it. Good luck.
I've been an emotional wreck for the past week and I do have too many issues. I do appreciate the advice here and I've listened and now I'm just trying to figure out how to apply it. As far as the guy's concerned, I talked to him and told him how I felt and he told me as long as we were always honest with each other, then we could carry on like normal except the difference this time is we can't see other people, and that goes for both of us. And he even said he'd try to go out with me at least once a week. He made his comitment! but as far as finding myself is concerned... That's a whole other ball game. I'm a very very broken person, I've lost a lot of weight, I don't know how to handle that, I've been ignored and forgotten about and told I wasn't good enough by someone my whole life and I'm just now realizing that I am good enough and I can accomplish anything, I just have to get over my own humps. I want to do things in life that I can't do without it affecting me somewhere else (like getting tattoos and piercings in the professional world is gonna happen). I want to travel and sing and write and be me and I really feel like my job is holding me back from being myself but I can't quit my job so I don't know how to fix that. A lot of these things are things y'all simply can't fix and I have to figure it out on my own. A lot of times I come here to get my thoughts out.. I journal too and maybe that's better but sometimes it's more comforting to feel like I'm actually talking to someone instead of just a piece of paper and a notebook.
But that just annoys people when I do that apparently so I guess ill just keep it to my notebook.
Y'all might could help me here though: I'm up for a promotion at the store that's a full time position with benefits, the catch is I have to have open availability, which is why I feel like I can't do anything outside of work and school cause i don't know if my job will actually allow me to. If I stay part time, I know I'll have more flexibility with my schedule, but no benefits and no guaranteed hours. That's what I'm weighing out here. I mean how do people have full time jobs and go to school and still find time to do things they actually enjoy without falling behind somewhere??
Like I don't know about a writing group or anything but I want to join our university's choir SO BAD but it meets Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3-5. I know it's too late to do it this semester, but I want to join next semester and I feel like if they offer me this job and I accept it, they won't let me do it cause that's not open availability. that was my favorite thing to do ever when I was in undergrad and I feel lost being at college and not doing that. It gives me friends, it gives me confidence, it gives me something to accomplish! It's my hobby. And I want to do it at school because I KNOW I'll be around people my age. Seems like everything I do outside of school I get surrounded by people much older than me and I can't find a group of people my own age to get involved with.
Y'all might could help me here though: I'm up for a promotion at the store that's a full time position with benefits, the catch is I have to have open availability, which is why I feel like I can't do anything outside of work and school cause i don't know if my job will actually allow me to. If I stay part time, I know I'll have more flexibility with my schedule, but no benefits and no guaranteed hours. That's what I'm weighing out here. I mean how do people have full time jobs and go to school and still find time to do things they actually enjoy without falling behind somewhere??
looking back on my college experience, if i was offered a full time job with benefits i would absolutely go for it...do you NEED benefits? like, are you still covered under your parents' health insurance? will this give you more money?
college is temporary though, while you will always have to be employed....farther down the road, will it look good on your resume that you were promoted to this position? will it make you look bad to your employer if you turn it down?
for me, i worked several part time jobs and went to college full time....i was extremely busy and rarely had time for anything else...BUT college will end and when college ended for me, I was then able to get more into the things i wanted to do - i sang in my church choir, i tutored elementary students in reading, i helped judge a statewide high school academic competition, i took road trips, i let my little sister live with me (twice), i attended work conferences that i enjoyed, i remodeled my living room....I HAD TIME for those things
i think i'm just rambling now....hope some of that made sense
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
As far as school goes with your job offer, do they offer some online classes and then weekend or other optional lectures/testing? That might help a bit.
I don't think anyone minds that you have issues. God know most of us do. I understand more than you know about being told and more often treated like I wasn't good enough from early childhood onward by my mother. I eventually realized that this was her problem, not my inadequacies, driving her unkindness. It wasn't a sudden realization however, it took work on my part to get there.
An old Indian proverb: An elephant is eaten one bite at a time. Pick the biggest, most debilitating issue and deal with it first. Same for your activities. Pick the most rewarding ones and focus on those. Start dumping the lesser so until you have breathing room.
I think others are confused about why you are still talking about user guy over and over but I understand that you have to process it. Might I suggest writing letters to him that you will never send. Express yourself without reservation and you will get clarity by doing so.
I wish you the best. I get being lost but you are the only one that can find you.
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-23-2013 at 06:37 PM.
I'm not annoyed! When I read your posts I get the impression that you're trying to sort your life out but don't really know how, or don't have very much guidance IRL. And yes, as humans sometimes we have conflicting emotions, and that's ok too!
As for the love situation, I'd recommend proceeding with caution.
As for the job deal, well, do you think that the company sees you as valuable or expendable? If they see you as valuable then they might be able to work with you a little bit. If I were you I'd take the promotion. Once you show them how well you preform in that new capacity then I'd see about getting those hours off on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Honestly, it seems like you should sort out your other issues first before thinking about relationships. You mentioned that you would've killed yourself this week if it wasn't for him, and being suicidal is a much bigger issue that you should be focusing on fixing instead of worrying about this guy. I am in college as well and hold a job, so I know how hard things can get as far as social life goes. I've accepted that I won't be able to hang out with my friends every week or meet new people every week, I've accepted that I will probably have to study over the weekends if I want to get into a good grad program, and I think it's a lot easier when you set your priorities and do what you think is most important.
As far as your job, if you are not happy, then start looking for another job that WILL make you happy. I'm not saying quit, I'm saying find something better suited for you but don't resign till you are able to get another job.
I never said I was annoyed, i said i was confused. For every question you have people give several great answers. But every question brings forth 4 more questions. I'm overwhelmed just reading about it, it must very difficult to deal with however I think you're going about it all wrong. You're focusing on too much at one time. Speaking to the counselor might help you sort out your priorities. Losing weight comes with its own set of difficulties to deal with and you don't want to derail yourself by putting all your energy into the wrong things.
