I've only been in one serious relationship my entire life - I'm just now entering into a second.
I had assumed that we weren't together, that we were still technically single. So during a conversation, I asked, "Do you think you'd be insecure if we were together?"* He said, "We aren't". It kind of stung to hear him say that but I didn't want to let it show. His response surprised me - "No, it wasn't a statement, it was a question. We aren't? It felt like we were." So from there onward, we were "official".
Because my last serious relationship began in October of 2007, I, quite frankly, have no clue what I am doing. I don't recall how we ever became comfortable enough with each other to start saying "baby" and "sweetheart" and "hun". So because he said "hey pretty girl" yesterday morning, I followed up with "Morning, baby" today. I thought it might be okay after we spent more time together yesterday and we seemed to move more comfortably into bf/gf status.
I asked if it made him feel weird and he said, "Maybe a teensy weensy bit. Lol" He said not to worry about it but I told him I'd let him decide what feels right as we go along.
I know it's only been a week, I'm not rushing. I'm just kind of lost, I don't remember how it all happened before or what I should do or not do. I seriously just can't tell. I know everyone is different, every situation is different, but for the first time in a long time I'm genuinely at a loss for how to act.
He's somewhat shy, non-confrontational, a bit inexperienced, and introverted. So it seems like he's easing into showing physical affection but verbal is a bit of an issue. But because I've been screwed around with so many times, I'm afraid. I'm aware that I'm afraid though so I don't let it seep into my behavior with him.
But on the other hand, a friend of mine said that if we don't ever discuss "us" and neither of us ever moves towards normal bf/gf behavior, that could cause problems.
Any advice would be appreciated. Think of it as coaching a middle school kid because that's what I feel like right now. /sigh
* To clarify: He was discussing his previous relationship when this came up. He was telling me about how he felt insecure with her and I think he was sort of comparing it to not feeling that way around me. So my asking wasn't me feeling insecure, it was discussing where he was emotionally. Oh, and his answer was that he feels comfortable with me.
Just be you. He likes you. Don't rush or push anything that doesn't feel natural. Feelings will happen if they're suppose to. If you felt weird saying "baby" don't do it - let him tell you what makes him uncomfortable. If "baby" felt too intense try a "Hey, good lookin/ hey, handsome." or something mutual to what he said.
I'm aware that I'm afraid though so I don't let it seep into my behavior with him. You've asked him a couple of insecure questions (if he'd be insecure if you were dating and if calling him baby made him feel weird) though - so maybe you are more than realize.
Don't let your friends dictate how you should act in a relationship or what you should/shouldn't say. You're dating him, not them.
Some people are more physically affectionate than verbally. My husband is very verbally affectionate, but wasn't always a big physical person (in public.) What I learned is that he never saw his parents express affection. He's seen them kiss a max of 5 times and they've been married for 30 some odd years. They don't hold hands, etc. So, I didn't push him to be affectionate because it wasn't natural for him, but he knew I liked it, so we found a middle ground and his hand always finds mine now.
I think communication helps a lot and willingness to talk about the relationship. I think a good first step is telling someone that you like them and would like to be in a committed relationship with them. You don't have to figure everything out from the very beginning but it is good to know where you stand and see how your partner views your relationship.
Unless you have other boundaries like you want a polyamorous relationhip, the first question I'd ask is do you want to be monogamous/see eachother exclusively?
If the answer is no, then you know where you stand. If someone is interesting in dating others beside yourself then at least you know the expectation.
What do you want for a long term partner? Think about this for you as well as ask it. If you are looking for a long term committed relationship, it is important to know their expectations.
Other questions that may come later on but are important to ask yourself and your partner:
Can you see yourself with a single partner for the rest of your life?
Do you want to get married? Again, this is a question for yourself as well as one to ask. If they say they don't know or 'no, never', then you know. I was in a previous relationship where I didn't want to marry the person I was dating despite loving them, I never asked, they never asked but I know they did want to be married. We ended because I was happy as we were, he wasn't.
Do you want kids? Do you want to adopt? How involved of a parent would you see yourself?
And then other things that are important to know are life aspirations, career aspirations, future goals, etc, etc. Don't expect to figure out everything in a single day but over time, try to gauge not only your partner's interest in the relationship but yours as well.
I'm aware that I'm afraid though so I don't let it seep into my behavior with him. You've asked him a couple of insecure questions (if he'd be insecure if you were dating and if calling him baby made him feel weird) though - so maybe you are more than realize.
He was already discussing feeling insecure in his previous relationship which is why I asked. I just didn't clarify, sorry!
I asked if calling him "baby" made him feel weird because of his reaction which wasn't really equal in nature. I figured it's better to know for sure than guess or continually make him uncomfortable.
Quote:
Some people are more physically affectionate than verbally. My husband is very verbally affectionate, but wasn't always a big physical person (in public.) What I learned is that he never saw his parents express affection. He's seen them kiss a max of 5 times and they've been married for 30 some odd years. They don't hold hands, etc. So, I didn't push him to be affectionate because it wasn't natural for him, but he knew I liked it, so we found a middle ground and his hand always finds mine now.
Good point, I hadn't even thought of that. Thanks!
Just be you and let him be him without too much analyzing at this point. SO so much of it comes out as you get to know one another much more with more time spent. If a lot of time is spent dissecting the "relationship" then there's not time spent enjoying life and being who you are instead of modifying what is natural to you for someone else. You don't have to stifle yourself and you don't have to be who you are not.
Just be you and let him be him without too much analyzing at this point. SO so much of it comes out as you get to know one another much more with more time spent. If a lot of time is spent dissecting the "relationship" then there's not time spent enjoying life and being who you are instead of modifying what is natural to you for someone else. You don't have to stifle yourself and you don't have to be who you are not.
THIS.
Also, I might add that although now you have "official labels" as bf/gf, you're still in the same relationship. Meaning that although you now agree that you're "together" things don't have to change or progress rapidly. In fact, they shouldn't. Just enjoy each other and things will move forward (or not) naturally.
I asked if calling him "baby" made him feel weird because of his reaction which wasn't really equal in nature. I figured it's better to know for sure than guess or continually make him uncomfortable.
But then you're not being authentically you. You should just say whatever you feel, and if he feels uncomfortable with it, either he has to tell you or get over it. You are both adults, you shouldn't have to coax things out of him.
That is what I have learned by being in many relationships and finally now, learning my lessons. If the guy can't communicate properly with me in the beginning, it's going to be a problem for me in the long run. And if a guy has a problem with anything I do in the beginning, either he should tell me or move on.
I'm going to be me, and he's lucky to be with me, and if he feels I'm not the right girl for him, don't waste my time. For reals.
It shouldn't feel weird in the beginning, it should feel EXHILARATING!
How to start a relationship...
