[mandypandy2246]

I swear, every time I am interested in a guy, the moment I stop being interested he throws me a bone.

All my single friends can testate to this magical power ... its as if they can sense when you are about to emotionally move on. So many stories like this.

What is this magic power?

[EagleRiverDee]

I don't think it's magic. I think most people- men and women- tend to have more interest in members of the opposite sex who are a little "hard to get". If you ever read Askmen.com , there's one advice column called "Doc Love" and his entire premise (he's even written a book) is for men to basically be a little hard to get. It works for women as well. I don't like doing stuff like that on purpose- it's playing games- but in your case you're seeing what happens when you naturally start to lose interest. All of a sudden the other person's interest level goes up. It's because now you present a challenge. That's all.

[mandypandy2246]

Eagle River - I think you are totally right! But somehow there seems to be this uncanny timing ... like friends who actually get the call back during another date, etc. But I think its just a coincidence.

[JohnP]

I don't know the specific details but generally what you're describing is known as back burner syndrome. It has nothing to do with playing hard to get.

Usually (and sorry to have to break it to you) this describes a guy who is only somewhat interested, hence you're on the back burner.

In my personal opinion, you're lowering your own value when you allow yourself to be treated this way. If a guy doesn't want to make you a priority you should move on and find one that does. Should he show interest only when you're moving on ... you should not jump on a bone when it is thrown your way.

Again, I don't know any specific details - so I could be off on my assessment.

[mandypandy2246]

No John I totally agree. Guys want to feel wanted - but that doesn't mean that they are interested. And all girls deserve to be with someone who WANTS fully to be with them.

But its amazing when they seem to sense you aren't interested. I'm not even talking about someone you are dating. I am saying in your head you are into them, you move on, and then all of a sudden they show signs of interest .... Guys seem to sense the mental switch. I don't get it!

[berryblondeboys]

My experience is similar to what JohnP is saying. When I liked this guy for YEARS (and he was a nice guy and we were friends - we just never really clicked in that way) he would call/write just as I was giving up hope. Well, I shouldn't have had hope. He was a friend and that's it (for others it could be hoping for a booty call).

When I met my husband, it was so different. When a guy likes you, holy wow! They are RIGHT THERE... flowers, poetry, etc.

I tease my husband because when he was wooing me, I thought I got a romantic. Um, no... he was a man madly in love. Once he settled in (and he does love me), all that stopped. Now I just get kisses - which I'll take too.

[JohnP]

Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee

I don't think it's magic. I think most people- men and women- tend to have more interest in members of the opposite sex who are a little "hard to get". If you ever read Askmen.com , there's one advice column called "Doc Love" and his entire premise (he's even written a book) is for men to basically be a little hard to get. It works for women as well. I don't like doing stuff like that on purpose- it's playing games- but in your case you're seeing what happens when you naturally start to lose interest. All of a sudden the other person's interest level goes up. It's because now you present a challenge. That's all.

Perhaps it is a matter of semantics but I think the Doc Love is off. It's not that someone who is a little "hard to get" it's that confidence is attractive and desperation is unattractive.. Perhaps it is a matter of semantics but if you don't value yourself, neither will other people and you'll find yourself in bad or abusive relationships.

[JohnP]

Originally Posted by mandypandy2246

But its amazing when they seem to sense you aren't interested. I'm not even talking about someone you are dating. I am saying in your head you are into them, you move on, and then all of a sudden they show signs of interest .... Guys seem to sense the mental switch. I don't get it!

That's exactly what I mean. You're showing interest. They are only somewhat interested. (You're on the back burner) When you're moving on they know it's now or never.

If they had no interest, at all, you wouldn't be on the back burner.

[mandypandy2246]

So what you are saying is ... although we don't realize we are actually giving off these vibes - some girls when interested are giving off signs of desperation ... and when we got over it, we give off signs of indifference/ confidence cause we no longer care ... and they can sense that?

[Doomkitty]

I agree with John. He's interested but not enough to act on whatever attraction he has. Don't react to his flirtations, you'll only end up hurting in the end because if he wanted to be with you, he would be - more often than not, it's that simple.

I also agree that you don't really have to play "hard to get" - it's desperation that is a turn off. And, actually, I watched a video in which the speaker insisted that "only little boys like to chase" and I tend to agree with that notion. He said not to set yourself up as a conquest because if you do, that's how you'll be treated. Not saying you are OP, I just find his info interesting.

Originally Posted by mandypandy2246

So what you are saying is ... although we don't realize we are actually giving off these vibes - some girls when interested are giving off signs of desperation ... and when we got over it, we give off signs of indifference/ confidence cause we no longer care ... and they can sense that?

Let me see if I can give an appropriate example, hmm...

Okay, so I went out with a guy almost a year ago who came on very, very strong. Despite not really knowing that much about me, he seemingly assumed that I was his girlfriend. We moved very quickly and not just into an exclusive status - we never did that at all - but rather his behavior around me was more appropriate for two people who have some sort of history. We had just met.

When I asked him for some space, it went over about as well as a lead balloon. I "disappeared" for about a week, during which I went to work and continued moving into my new place with two new roommates I didn't know and dealt with not just one but two broken down vehicles. I texted him one day to tell him about how I'd gotten an article published online and he wrote back, "I think you have the wrong boyfriend sweetheart. " ...Wow. As far as I was aware, I was single but somehow I went from solo to cheating trash in about 5 minutes flat...

He reeked, absolutely stunk of desperation. This whole "relationship" started and ended in under two weeks. Intense much?

You can kind of tell when someone just wants a relationship versus a relationship with you. They're vastly different. You can also tell when someone has so little self-respect that they'll put themselves through **** to keep eating crap. In the back burner situation, it would be you continually contacting the person, helping them, asking them out, maybe even sleeping with them, consequently doing mass harm to yourself, while still relentlessly continuing on.

[ChickieBoom]

Originally Posted by JohnP

I don't know the specific details but generally what you're describing is known as back burner syndrome. It has nothing to do with playing hard to get.

Usually (and sorry to have to break it to you) this describes a guy who is only somewhat interested, hence you're on the back burner.

In my personal opinion, you're lowering your own value when you allow yourself to be treated this way. If a guy doesn't want to make you a priority you should move on and find one that does. Should he show interest only when you're moving on ... you should not jump on a bone when it is thrown your way.

Again, I don't know any specific details - so I could be off on my assessment.

Brilliant. This is just the reminder that I needed as I enter the online dating world.

[JohnP]

Originally Posted by mandypandy2246

So what you are saying is ... although we don't realize we are actually giving off these vibes - some girls when interested are giving off signs of desperation ... and when we got over it, we give off signs of indifference/ confidence cause we no longer care ... and they can sense that?

In my opinion, sort of. It's not that you're giving signs of desperation but the fact is they're keeping you on the back burner because they can and they like to have options if option A doesn't work out. Once you're no longer showing signs of interest they know it's now or never.

My advice would simply be to never allow yourself to be option B. You're either option A or you're not an option. People treat you the way you allow them to.

[missunshine]

i love this thread...keep em coming.
it's so nice to finally hear some male opinions on this subject
thanks john you really gave me a lot to think about my attidude toward men

[PreciousMissy]

I call it my "stand over here" theory. Same thing happened to a friend of mine, she was a back burner girl.

The person says "stand over here with me", so you go and stand with them. They say "you wait here, I'm going to go stand next to that other person for a while." You get bored waiting for them to come back, so you decide to go stand somewhere else. As soon as you start to move they go back to the original spot and say "hey, stand here with me" and the cycle starts all over again.

[PreciousMissy]

Originally Posted by JohnP

My advice would simply be to never allow yourself to be option B. You're either option A or you're not an option. People treat you the way you allow them to.

^^This!