Please tell me reaction was out of line. I just need some perspective.
My friend went on a date with a guy 8 years older. They took his car to a restaurant. The first time they got in the car, she opened the passenger's door and got in on her own. The second time they got in the car, she stood by the passenger's door, looked at the guy, and said "I'll wait."
Apparently, their conversation up to that point had been genial and friendly. She likes the guy and is hoping for something more to come from their date. (I know a lot depends on the tone of the conversation, what they discussed, etc, but as far as I can tell, their discussions had been light-hearted and genial.)
If this was your friend, what would be your reaction to her comment?
Last edited by Alexistrophic; 01-22-2013 at 01:55 PM.
if I were the guy, I probably would've just laughed it off and opened the door for her. But, i would've been kind of confused because she didn't say that in the beginning. If she said it laughingly, the guy could've laughed it off and just opened the door, no feelings hurt.
But, I'm guessing he took it badly or was not cool with her saying that? I can see how something like that would look kind of princess-y to some men. I personally wish chivalry weren't dead and all guys opened doors, but that's not the case anymore. It was up to him whether or not he wanted to open her door, and he may be the type that gets annoyed at things like that because he doesn't believe in it (ie equality for all, as my non-opening door Brothers like to say)
what happened the first time she got in? Did she wait but when he wasn't opening the door for her, just get in? If so, he may have assumed she preferred to do that herself.
I think it's a nice courtesy if someone I'm dating opens the door for me, but I don't consider it a dealbreaker if he doesn't. So my response really depends on how the guy reacted and how important this is to your friend. If he argued or resisted or did it but begrudgingly, then this is not the guy for her if it's something that is important to her.
If it were my friend, I'd laugh it off with her and if there is no second date and she's upset, maybe gently bring up that incident as a possible explanation.
As a random person on the internet, my reaction is WTF? I don't see door opening as a major test of character. I think it's nice but if a guy doesn't hold a door I don't think twice about it. There's a lot more to a person than this one behavior. I think a response like that "I'll wait" does demonstrate a certain personality quirk that can be off-putting (again, not knowing the context or mood in that situation).
My husband has never opened the car door for me. Ever. Even on the first day. However, he is the most loving, sweetest man around. I'd actually find it somewhat offensive if a guy insisted on opening the door for me. In 6h grade, a childhood boyfriend of mine opened the gate for me all the time and I HATED it.
Honestly, not opening the door is the silliest thing to ever notice.
Yeah, telling someone to open a door for you is not cool.
My husband opens the door for me sometimes but I've never told him to do so. If he didn't, I'd be ok with that. If he insisted on doing it every time, I'd probably get annoyed.
Kudos to him for apparently not driving off without her, waiting by the curb...
See, THIS is what I thought!!!
I heard that comment and almost fell off my chair. Completely flipped out on my friend.
A: It was inconsistent (why did you not say anything the first time, but expect something different the second time)
B: It was demanding and rude.
c: It almost sounds like something you'd say to a child while you're waiting for them to settle down and behave.
There are just so many other ways to approach that situation. ("Hey, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'd just love if you opened the door for me.") But then again, I'm pretty close to the situation and thought that maybe my point of view was skewed.
Last edited by Alexistrophic; 01-22-2013 at 03:28 PM.
I am a big believer in chivalry, and although I am hard headed and stubborn, I am definitely not a feminist. In fact prior to getting married I had a few boyfriends who were super passive, they were nice enough but, chivalry was something they seemed almost intimidated by. I ended these relationships because although I am a strong woman, I need/want a guy who is stronger, if that makes any sense. I didn't want to feel like a domineering shrew every time I got into a disagreement with the person I was with.
Unfortunately this led to a few relationships on the other end of the spectrum, guys who were un-chivalrous because they were jerks, or overly chivalrous because they were controlling.
I finally met the perfect guy who was both strong & truly chivalrous (it helps that he is a history/philosophy major with an emphasis on the medieval era). I have been happily married to him for almost 18 years now.
The reason I found the story funny is because during the majority of our marriage my husband always opened the car door for me. Then we got a car without a passenger lock or a remote (it was a used car and I didn't feel like spending a gob of money for a car remote). So my husband kind of fell out of the habit because he had to open his door first to unlock the doors. Anyhow sometimes I will stand there and wink at him and say the same thing your friend did. We then both laugh about it.
I think your friend has every right to stand up for what she wants in a relationship. If the guy has a problem with it, well there are plenty more out there, and I am sure she can find someone who will treat her the way she wants to be treated. It is better than to swallow it down than to let it build into resentment that can explode into something devastating later on in the relationship.
Plenty of guys simply don't know whether to be chivalrous or not. Feminists clearly do not support chivalry which sends mixed messages to the guys in our society. They risk offending a female no matter which way they go. So speaking up is important. Your friend made it clear that she was looking for someone chivalrous and that it would not offend her. Now it is up to the guy to demonstrate if he is in fact chivalrous.
My husband has never opened the car door for me. Ever. Even on the first day. However, he is the most loving, sweetest man around. I'd actually find it somewhat offensive if a guy insisted on opening the door for me. In 6h grade, a childhood boyfriend of mine opened the gate for me all the time and I HATED it.
Honestly, not opening the door is the silliest thing to ever notice.
x2. My boyfriend never has, and quite frankly if he did, I'd feel that he thinks hes superior over me. I'm 22, I can open the door myself. I believe in chivalry, but common.
Now if I had a bunch of bags or containers of take-out, I'd probably appreicate it in hopes that i wouldn't end up wearing whatever is in my hand. But if we're just walking to the car, I'd rather open my own door. Makes me have the control my brain desires.
In my opinion, standing there and saying "I'll wait" shows that shes a bit high maintenance and a bossy beetch. Maybe not, but thats how I'd react. Friend or not.
If I were the guy, I would have been really put off by that remark, especially because the first time she got in the car, she opened her own door. And also because it was their first date, aren't people supposed to be on their best behaviour? lol.
My husband has never done that for me, and I don't think it would ever occur to him either! He's a really sweet guy, and has a big heart...he's just clueless about things like that. And I've never thought anything of it, to be honest.
The reason I found the story funny is because during the majority of our marriage my husband always opened the car door for me. Then we got a car without a passenger lock or a remote (it was a used car and I didn't feel like spending a gob of money for a car remote). So my husband kind of fell out of the habit because he had to open his door first to unlock the doors. Anyhow sometimes I will stand there and wink at him and say the same thing your friend did. We then both laugh about it.
My husband's car is like that too. A couple weeks ago he made some comment about how he'd open the door for me if it weren't so hard to get the door unlocked, and I was touched he even thought of it.
If the tone of what she said was playful, then I think this is okay. It states what she likes in a tone that isn't going to make the other person feel like a scolded child. If she was serious then I believe it's beyond rude. We get mixed signals about the social norms we are supposed to act on all the time. With chivalry, men sometimes even get very aggressive signals in either direction. How is a man supposed to know whether you like your car door opened? Maybe he has never even had a woman that has requested it. Door opening is still a rather common social action, but car door opening, as can be seen here on this thread, is not as consistent. Who is more rude? The individual who has missed a somewhat antiquated and inconsistent social "rule"? Or the person being overtly negative because the other individual just so happened to miss her preference? My bf has opened a car door for me before, and I don't mind it; however, I would find it very rude for me to have snapped at him on the first date by accusing him of concealed oppression of my gender.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 01-22-2013 at 05:17 PM.
Dating Story - Reactions? (Short, I promise...)
