My mother in law & overweight husband advice please
My mother in law was on the phone with me yesterday for an hour, crying about my husband being overweight. He needs to lose at about 65 lbs. is my guess.
I've tried to tell her that this is very concerning for me as well because he has a very stressful job and we're both worried about their family history of heart attacks.
However, she makes it seem like I can influence him. I told her that it doesn't matter what I do, he has to help himself and she just won't accept that fact. She feels completely sure that I'll lose the weight (I've done it many times, but have always regained) but she doesn't believe he will.
She can't talk to him about it because he will become furious with her for nagging him about it (this has happened many times). I know that he's trying but if I nag him about it, the same thing will happen. He'll be very upset and I can't blame him. I know that anyone telling me I need to lose weight doesn't help because I'm well aware of that fact. I do give him a great deal of support and I encourage him and let him know gently that I'm eager for him to get healthy, but what more can I really do? I'm so tired of her putting this on me and telling me that our kids will not have a father.
I guess I'm wanting to vent but if you have any advice, I would love to hear it. Thanks for letting me vent.
Luckymommy, I wanted to send you a pm about this, because I really feel like I can relate (my situation is kind of similar, but different), but I'm new here and not sure how. In my situation, no one's putting pressure on me but myself, but I look at my father in law (heart problems, sits in his chair all day eating, very seriously overweight), and worry for my DH, who's overweight but working on it. I feel a lot of pressure to try to "help," but at the same time I really want this to come from him-I know that if he doesn't want it for himself and make the changes himself, it won't last. I have no idea how I would respond to a phone call like that, but I'm sorry you've got that pressure being put on you.
That is one of the hardest things about weight. Really, there is nothing you can do but to set a good example of doing it yourself and making it easier for him to join you if he wants, but you can't force it.
My husband has always been lean. Even when he was a bit heavier, he was still within the normal BMI range for his height. Me... I got very fat and I knew he was worried about it and so on, but nothing he said could help me. I felt terribly bad that I couldn't do it for him and I felt bad that it hurt him. Knowing that just made it harder for me to gain the confidence that I needed to just DO IT.
In the end, it was a health scare that woke me up and it was realizing that I could die (and soon) and I had a 5 year old child. He needed me and couldn't be motherless. It woke me up.
Once I got my thyroid under control and my energy started to come back, those baby steps got bigger and bigger. And it got my husband to start exercising too. he dropped 20 pounds and is fitter now than he has ever been. We helped each other, but without words or nagging, but by doing.
It rubs off. Prepare healthy meals at home. Let him see you exercising and if you have kids, let them be active too. Hopefully it will rub off. But it might not. That's all you can do really - don't enable him to get fatter and more unfit, but model the good stuff and just hope.
luckymommy - My DH just did a few weeks of IP with me to lose about 20 lbs and decided to stop at that point. He could easily lose about 40 more but this is his decision, not mine. He's in his late 40's and lost about 4 friends to heart attacks over the past year. We have a 12 year old, and hearing me say "Can you imagine how Bobby would feel if he lost you" was all it took for me to say and he decided on the few weeks himself. I never said - "You should" or "Why don't you " or anything like that. It's simply not my place as a wife. He's an adult and responsible to make his own decisions.
Don't know how long you've been married but speaking from experience, NEVER EVER put yourself in a situation between your hubby and his mom - regardless of the reasons. Only he can make this decision. You can explain to him that you'll be there for support - but that's to him only. Your MIL needs to either speak to him directly or back off and allow him to take the initiative.
First, your MIL is frightened about your husband, but do not let her put this responsibility on you -- or on herself. As others have said, this is a personal decision and one your husband is going to have to make. When you notice any change at all, give him lots of positive reinforcement. If he'll buddy with you, that can be something that you do together. But the actual decision to lose weight and stick to that decision is different for all of us. I hope that he'll be able to make that decision soon.
Like most people have said, this must be a personal choice for your husband. I am blessed that my husband and I are on very similar wavelengths and are major foodies. We decided almost naturally to go on this journey together. Start small, prepare healthy meals and get him to help. I like to chat about how certain foods have really cool properties. For example, I started making fruit + kale smoothies for breakfast for the both us and I went on and on about how nifty and healthy kale is and made sure he knew, if it's gross, we don't have to drink it. It wasn't gross and it's part of our normal routine now. Try to be positive about your own weightloss and it might become infectious! We celebrate each others losses by chatting about it a lot and we exercise together, which is great for bonding/family time!
Get excited about it and it should rub off on your husband.
In the end of the day, all you can do is offer your support and make it clear that you are on a journey together. He has to make the effort though and unless he wants to lose weight and put his mind to it, there's nothing you can do.
I mentioned losing weight to my mother every now and then and while she wanted to lose weight, she just didn't have the strength to do it at that time. Then, one year ago, she decided to change her lifestyle - and body - and now she's 80lbs down!
I don't know if the link above will work, but you can try it. The article (titled Put A Stop to "Do I Look Fat" if you want to google it) basically is about couples where one is overweight and the other isn't, and what the best ways are (and aren't) to offer support. Maybe you could read the article and then send the link to your MIL, showing her the current thinking on the topic...
Thanks so much for all the advice and support. If she brings this up to me again, I'm going to tell her (again) that I can't *make* him lose weight. All I can do is continue being supportive and encouraging as I have been and that he'll do it when he's ready. If she continues, I'll just keep repeating it until she finally gets it....hopefully!
My husband usually needs motivation, like seeing my loss. He also doesnt want to hear me tell him to do it. U can ask him to go for walks with you, or empty the house of unhealthy food. You can only cook healthy foods, with not enough left over to over indulge. Or pack him healthy lunches. I know that can be difficult if u work, just a suggestion. If your mil is stubborn she is only going to see it her way and u will be adding stress to yourself fighting a losing battle. U know the truth only he can help himself, just be encouraging and understanding.
My mother in law & overweight husband advice please
