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Foolish Husband hurting himself for a friend

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Old 01-01-2013, 02:48 PM   #1
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Default Foolish Husband hurting himself for a friend

My husband and I are both on disability. Hubby shouldn't work at all, because his joints are so bad his doctors told him at 17 that he'd be fully disabled and in a wheelchair by 30. He made it to 35 (in a very physically demanding job, only pain killers and stubborness kept him working that long). He's 40 and he uses a cane sometimes, but no wheelchair yet.

He started helping his friend (a bar owner) by bartending once a week (a 4 hour shift). We even went to the Social Security to find out what kind of paperwork he'd have to do (turns out none, unless he starts working more hours and/or starts getting paid a whole lot more).

Sad part is, hubby is basically working for free. He gets tips, $20 and free drinks (and because of hubby's medications that means all the diet Coke he can drink and maybe one or two alcoholic drinks a week). He's there to help a friend and the friend is taking advantage.

Last night he worked (New Years Eve). He only agreed to work if the owner (his friend) made sure hubby wouldn't have to work more than 6 hours, and wouldn't have to work alone (last year he ended up working more than 8 hour shift and was unable to walk the next day.

I was skeptical, but hubby was convinced his friend would do right by him.

Hubby and the only other responsible bartender in the place worked the entire night. The young man who was supposed to work, called in "sick."

The back-up plan was that the owner himself would work so hubby wouldn't have to.

Yeah, not so much. The owner was so drunk that hubby worked the rest of the night so the other bartender (a very tiny woman) wouldn't have to work alone.

To be honest, I suspected as much - but here's the part I am so, so, so angry about. Hubby is in a terrible state right now. We're supposed to go to his father's home for a late Christmas celebration, and hubby is so stiff and sore that can barely stand, let alone walk (He was moaning and crying in his sleep - which is never a good sign).

When he's in this much pain, he's the biggest jack*** on the planet - and I get that. I'm not Mary Sunshine when I'm in that much pain either. But what really irks me is that his friend didn't have his back. Didn't even try. So why is hubby helping the turd out?

The bar owner is a semi-functioning alcoholic, who would lose his bar if he didn't have friends who cared more about him and his business than he does.

What really kills me is that hubby was so proud when he came home and could hand me his tips. Added to what I'd already saved, it was enough to buy the small Nook HD I'd wanted - especially poignant, because my mother had made a joking (more snide than joking) comment to him about why he hadn't bought me the Nook for Christmas. Even though we agreed I wouldn't buy it until after Christmas, I know it still hurt him to have my mother imply that he was a selfish jerk.

It will take hubby a week to recover from this, and it just makes me feel so angry and frustrated.

Rant over, and now I feel much better. Hubby is an adult and can make such decisions for himself, I just hate to see him in so much pain.
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:00 PM   #2
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I am so sorry! I would be frustrated and pissed, too.

For the life of me, I can't understand men's "undying" devotion to one another. I can see both sides, though. In my husbands line of work, it is imperative that they would be able to give their lives for each other, no matter if someone is a jerk or not. But it kills me when I feel he is taken advantage of, which happens a lot because he is so giving and talented, so people often come to him for help and/or advice.

The VERY selfish part of me is jealous that he would give time and energy to people that won't do the same for him. His output does affect me, because it takes time away from the family. Given your situation, it would be beyond frustrating to see him do something in good faith, only to know that he will be pushed behind his limits and ultimately he AND you will pay the price.

Maybe he is putting up with extra crap because it is so meaningful for him to earn some money, especially if he can buy something for you. I suffer from chronic illness as well, not to the same degree, but I often push myself more than I should because 1.) I don't want to admit that I can't 2.) am just generally angry that I can't 3.) have decided that even laying myself out for a day is worth the price of the activity, etc.

Big hugs. Enjoy your nook, give him and extra kiss and hopefully he will get tired of putting his body through unnecessary ****!
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:04 PM   #3
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No advice, just hugs
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:21 PM   #4
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Give him some hugs. It sounds like he is a very proud man, working beyond the doctors predictions.

Despite his disability, he went out last night and slayed a dragon for his woman, that's what a good man does. Yes, he is hurting but I'm sure he is proud of himself. Now is your chance to take care of him and show your appreciation. Approach the subject of over-extending himself later in the week, after you give him all of the hugs.
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:21 PM   #5
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I'd be frustrated too. I don't have any advice, but I have hugs!
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Old 01-01-2013, 09:23 PM   #6
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Sounds likeyour hubby & mine are cut from the same cloth! He USED to work for a family member of mine. She promised him a decent wage, a place to store his tools (we live in a small apt.) and gas $ to & from her place. That lasted for about a month & a half.
When he'd try to talk to her about it, she'd claim that she had this bill or this crisis. Then we'd see her with a new expensive computer, gaming system or whatever. He'd ask her once more about where his pay was & then she had the nerve to &itch about his work! Little did we know that H could've died right then & there doing work for her that she wasn't paying for!!! (He was diagnosed with a heart condition right around Halloween)
She got mad. Told us both off. Demanded we remove any & all things we had stored at her place immediately. I was crushed. I went from having a close friend in her to having nothing! But that's okay...my hubby is still with me. He's getting the medications & help he needs.



Personally, you need to have a heart to heart with hubby. Let him know that you'll be with him regardless of what happens, but you'd rather he be as healthy as he can be. He needs to take care of himself, because you CANNOT do it for him! You can help him, encourage him...but in the end, it is up to him.
Be blunt to him about his "friend". His friend is TOXIC...plain & simple. A TRUE REAL friend would never, ever ask you to jeopardize you health or well-being. If his friend of incapapable of running his business, so be it. Not everyone is meant to run a business, especially if they can't remain sober during business hours!

Now, for your mother's snarky comment...and you have to admit that it was a snarky comment...about the Nook. My family, primarially my siblings, think I could've done "better" in choosing a mate. I basically told them to go pound sand! Why? Because I DO NOT judge their choice for their mate! And some of them have been married 3 or 4 TIMES!!! We love who we love because of who they are not what they give us.
If this is a habit of hers to run your significant other down...maybe you need to gently let her know that if she can't say something nice, say nothing. Yes, even "joking around" is being mean. Anything mean, isn't appreciated nor acceptable when it comes to talking about someone's spouse or children!

Um....I'll climb down off my soapbox now...

BTW: I know about that crying & whimpering in their sleep. It's not good for them (the hubbys) nor us. They don't sleep well because they are hurting & we KNOW IT! Be there, done that...won't tolerate it! My hubby's health is second only to mine!
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:23 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
Hubby is an adult and can make such decisions for himself, I just hate to see him in so much pain.
*Nods in agreement*

{{hugs}} It never feels good to see our loved ones hurting, and it wasn't right for his friend to shrug off his own responsibilities, but it sounds like your hubby got a sense of pride and accomplishment from tending bar that night. I'm glad he was able to purchase the nook!
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