Books like Twilight and 50 shades makes women have a ridiculously high standard in men.
To be completely honest, I think you should let her go. If that guy didn't deny her, they probably would've had sex by now. Maybe she's hurt from the denial so she's crawling back to you. And trust is important. Can you honestly say that you can trust her 100% ever again? Also, she said she's NO LONGER attracted to you. That outta say something!
Okay...it is NOT because of your weight. People who love each other don't cheat because of physical appearance. There's obviously other stuff going on, and major communication issues. Don't blame the weight, and don't blame 50 Shades and Twilight for "new high standards of women." Seems like she felt neglected and lonely and that should have been addressed between both of you. *Not blaming anyone, just being a third party perspective.* I think counseling would be helpful, but IMO cheating is pretty much a dealbreaker unless you guys are both willing to work your butts off for the relationship.
Location: NW New Jersey But, My Heart's In Pittsburgh!! GO STEELERS & PENGUINS!!!
Posts: 3,060
S/C/G: 245/143/145
I must say, I completely agree with Kaplods.
I have no idea how old the you or your gf are, but...no matter....with all due respect to you both, it sounds like there is a good deal of selfishness & immaturity going on here. That being said, there also seems to be a major lack of mutual communication. "Always letting things blow over" isn't the way to resolve issues. When issues arise, you should be able to discuss them openly & honestly (not argue....discuss) without resorting to curse words & hurtful names.
From what you have described, she is all apologetic now and is being all lovey-dovey towards you. I'm sure her reasoning is because she realized from you giving her the cold shoulder that you already knew what had occured before she finally fessed up and told you.
Sadly, instead of her coming to you (whom she claims to love so much) and telling you she was upset with you about sports, weight & cursing at her....she felt somewhat justified that since the 2 of you were having issues, it was ok for her to begin flirting with a co-worker. When it turned into more than what she bargained for, she felt scared and stopped chatting with him....yet, keep in mind, her being "scared" didn't prevent her from leaving your home in the middle of the night to meet with this co-worker.
I do not mean to sound harsh but....all I hear you saying about this is that she had a "selfish moment"....she was "rebellious"....and you are trying to "comprehend her excuses". A drippy sweet email and some cuddling is not going to undue the emotional damage she has done to you. You may want to consder couples counseling or seeking counseling for yourself. She has broken your trust of her and that is something that will take lots of work to get back if it is even possible to get it back.
Always remember, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you and if you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
Good relationships are built on trust, mutual respect & good communication. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
I wish you all the best!
Wow, you guys are truly amazing. I don't know any of you and yet you treat me like we are good friends!! Thank you so much!
Please be Harsh as u like. I can take it.
Also, at some point I plan on showing this post to my g/f (as some form of counseling) so please say anything u want. It helps.
Also, I'm 37 & she is 36.
No kids. 2 dogs.
Owned the house together. In both of our names.
I hope we are able to get through this. As horrible as a decision this was on her part, I really don't want lose her. (I do not plan on telling her this yet)
I think a couples counseler is something we really need.
As a guy I'll make the following observations about the opposite sex which the women here may or may not agree with.
Most women want a sensative caveman. They want you to be able to meet some of their emotional needs by being courteous, polite, and non abusive but who also will not let himself be a doormat. Then when the timing is right throw them over your shoulder and handle business in the bedroom.
From the description of your relationship it sounds like you're not meeting any of those needs. Don't feel bad ... most men don't. Now you know and can work on fixing it.
Go to counseling but frankly I think you need to worry less about you and her and worry more about you.
A really powerful tip for you - the mind can't tell what it real and what is vividly imagined. So while it is naturally to dwell on what happened it doesn't help. Give youself a certain amount of time to dwell on it every day and that's it. Don't think about it. The pain of this will never go away but it will lessen over time IF you don't think about it.
I read through all the posts and honestly it sounds like the two of you have grown apart. That happens! Although she says she wants to be with you it may just be because you've been together so long she's afraid of being alone and honestly I think she was testing the water with that guy. If they didn't have sex because he couldn't get up then she probably took it as she's still fat/unattractive and came crawling back to you. Its rough being cheated on ( I dated a guy 3 times and each time he cheated on me with size 0-2 girls all the while promising he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me). If you feel its worth trying one more time then give it a shot because some relationships are salvageable but honestly you deserve better than that! Don't settle in a relationship where you feel like she will leave or cheat because she feels too sexy to be with you. ts not a good situation. If you do try again then counseling is really a must because there are big issues. Wishing you the best and as someone who's been cheated on for skinny girls I want you to know you have to love yourself and know if someone can't be with you at your worst or heaviest they don't deserve you at your best!
Location: NW New Jersey But, My Heart's In Pittsburgh!! GO STEELERS & PENGUINS!!!
Posts: 3,060
S/C/G: 245/143/145
Quote:
Originally Posted by MR305
I hope we are able to get through this. As horrible as a decision this was on her part, I really don't want lose her. (I do not plan on telling her this yet)
I respect you for hoping the 2 of you are able to get through her horrible decision. You are acknowledging it was HER decision and that is a good thing....but, that doesn't get you totally off the hook. From all you've said, there are other issues in this relationship that involve you as well....her doing what she did was just the icing on the cake so to speak. Relationships are a 2 way street, both of you need to take responsibility for yourselves and your actions. She has a lot to reflect on....but....you do also. It takes 2 to make it work.
I wish you all the best in this difficult situation.
All the best to you!
Most women want a sensative caveman. They want you to be able to meet some of their emotional needs by being courteous, polite, and non abusive but who also will not let himself be a doormat. Then when the timing is right throw them over your shoulder and handle business in the bedroom.
From the description of your relationship it sounds like you're not meeting any of those needs. Don't feel bad ... most men don't. Now you know and can work on fixing it.
This is rings true for me. Every woman wants a varying degree of sensitivity and certain bedroom things but the generality remains the same. I have heard that working out helps mens' self-esteem and levels their testosterone-maybe working out together would be a good place to start.
Ok...so being a past "cheater" Im going to jump right in here...
First a bit of background about me: I "cheated" online on a dating website and proceeded ONLY to text and talk to guys off the internet..No sex, no dating, no meeting in person..just flirtation and talking...However.. this is a form of cheating and my now-hubby says it is considered cheating to him and if i ever do it again im out the door....
Im giving you my two sides because i have been in both places:
She obviously has issues with lonliness and self confidence. Well i can undertand the weight loss giving her a boost..its not going to undo all the years of hurt she has recieved from other people...so lets get this straight : Hurt people hurt people. Its obvious you have been hurt by her and she has been hurt too...Oddly enough it sounds like she feels a sense of rejection from you because she feels that you are not around enough because you are so involved with your sports..so what does she do? Turn to the next guy..any guy for attention..not love..but attention...Thats what she wants..No matter what kind of great guy you are, there is a need that is obviously not being filled and so she is looking to fill it elsewhere..its her "wits end" option instead of sitting down and talking to you about it and making clear her intentions..This is where the immaturity lies..in not being able to make her needs and wants clear in your relationship.
2) Her looking for someone else for attention has nothing to do with your being overweight. While it sounds like a good reasoning..its not.. However, with that being said.. a person who changes there life and makes it a lifestyle, feels out of sorts when the "spouse" or "partner" is still in the old lifestyle... I will give you an example:
When i was young..i dated a very obese guy..Sweet guy..loved him lots..I was very obese too..I however, went out, joined a gym and lost weight and started eating healthy..HE did not.. He kept eating plate after plate of fried food and sweets and continued to sit in front of his computer all day without moving a muscle.. It got to the point where I actually felt guilty for him, watching him eat..To the point where i actually broke up with him because i couldnt deal with watching him not do something about himself to make himself healthy..I loved him.. but i didnt want to love someone who was going to die of serious health problems due to obesity.. I wanted the best of him..which could only be given when healthy...
Point is: She obviously changed her lifestyle in a dramatic way and when your not part of the change..it makes it hard to relate to one another..You may find yourself at odds with one another..Im sure you can also imagine how its hard for her to see you go to all these sports games, but yet not bother to step foot into a gym and help yourself become more athletic or active..
As far as "ending" it...You need to do some thinking.. For my "then boyfriend, now hubby", he needed to get over the anger and forgive me and then we needed to talk lots about how to work out these problems and yes we even went to counselling..a lot.. before getting married..We are happily married now and we dont think about the past stuff anymore..we have moved on..." So you need to think about weather you can forgive her..and if you can..are you willing to put the work into meeting in the middle with her and coming to some compromises and agreements about what each other needs and wants from the other..While i know cuddling and saying sorry is great..its not going to fix everything..Relationship takes sacrafice.
The decision is yours. If you can take her back and learn to work through the issues you both have. It sounds like she is sorry and for some people they wouldn't take back someone who has cheated, but for others they can. I guess you can only try and see if things improve or if it was to happen again, then there would be no turning back.
If you posted an email I sent you for everyone on the internet to read, you'd be history. Instead of airing all this with the internet, you need to make an appointment with a couple's counselor.
