Can't he just be treating you "to cereal date" as a congrats on your exams as a friend? You both had a nice time, it was chaste enough, so let it go.
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I don't think he's trying to play games and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to show the fact that he got someone either. That's why I think it's so strange.
I don't know if he was gently trying to steer there or what -- that's my only small flag from the info given. Is he polyamorous? If he's poly he'll bring it up again, but if YOU aren't, then it doesn't even apply here.
It isn't even a red flag -- because it sounds like he was being up front about having a GF and letting you know up front about it. It doesn't sound like he was being smarmy or getting fresh or anything. You sound like you were treated nicely with good manners.
But if you've never encountered this while dating I'm sure you felt strange. Not everyone is the world is wired for mono dating. *shrug*
Maybe next time this situation comes up just be more assertive about it -- "So.... if you have a GF, what is this here? A date? Friends just hanging out? Are you poly?" and see what he says.
Or shoot -- you could be more assertive in the phone calls setting this up before even getting to the date part.
"So what are we setting up here? Is this just friends hanging out celebrating my exams being over? Is this a date thing? What is it? Just so I'm clear. You know I am wired for (whatever you are wired for -- mono, poly, straight, bi, whatever your flavor is) -- right? I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."
In the meanwhile... consider it a nice evening with a friend and don't overthink it. Just be "Yay! Exams are over!"
Can't he just be treating you "to cereal date" as a congrats on your exams as a friend? You both had a nice time, it was chaste enough, so let it go.
I don't know if he was gently trying to steer there or what -- that's my only small flag from the info given. Is he polyamorous? If he's poly he'll bring it up again, but if YOU aren't, then it doesn't even apply here.
It isn't even a red flag -- because it sounds like he was being up front about having a GF and letting you know up front about it. It doesn't sound like he was being smarmy or getting fresh or anything. You sound like you were treated nicely with good manners.
But if you've never encountered this while dating I'm sure you felt strange. Not everyone is the world is wired for mono dating. *shrug*
Maybe next time this situation comes up just be more assertive about it -- "So.... if you have a GF, what is this here? A date? Friends just hanging out? Are you poly?" and see what he says.
Or shoot -- you could be more assertive in the phone calls setting this up before even getting to the date part.
"So what are we setting up here? Is this just friends hanging out celebrating my exams being over? Is this a date thing? What is it? Just so I'm clear. You know I am wired for (whatever you are wired for -- mono, poly, straight, bi, whatever your flavor is) -- right? I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."
In the meanwhile... consider it a nice evening with a friend and don't overthink it. Just be "Yay! Exams are over!"
A.
Thanks for your advice.
He texted me again this morning, saying that we should meet up again. I don't feel like it. I am going to tell him no, explaining that I don't know what this is about.
OK, I'm going to curve outside the groups advice so far. Truthfully, I think he kept asking after you refused as just harmless flirting. Then when actually said YES, he couldn't back out at that point. That's not to say he didn't mean it and wasn't really interested, but just probably that he had asked and flirted so much, he never expected you to really say yes. And unlike everyone else, I don't think he was doing it to be dishonest or that it was a red flag. I just don't think he wanted to wait around for forever (which, I know I personally wouldn't do if I was told NO over and over again) because he probably though you would NEVER say yes.
I say this because... I had a similar situation. And in the end, it worked out. But I don't think you should judge him too harshly for being human. After all, he waited and you said no. He continued to be friendly and then when you said yes, he followed through with the 'date' but he acted appropriately and told you right away he now had a GF. And I think that was part of his intention with following through... I think he wanted to see if you would follow through and what your reaction to him having a GF would be. AND, we also don't know if or how much he told his GF or how serious they are... or if there IS really a GF! He could've just been wanting to see your reaction. I hate to say it, but he may be thinking YOU were playing a game by putting him off for so long that he wanted to play back a little.
Right now, my advice is to let it go. Be friendly and go on and in the end, his real intentions will come to the front. He may end up having a GF and you may just move on. Or, he may call and say look, I was just trying to rile you up and see what your reaction would be. Is it silly and immature? To some degree, yes. But is he a human and a MAN who may feel like YOU were the one playing games with him for months? Maybe. I just don't think you should give up on someone who has pursued you the way he has just based on ONE get together and ONE conversation. None of us know him the way you do and if he seemed genuine to you, then maybe he is. I say just proceed with caution and go from there. Nothing is lost from being patient and observant, but a lot can be gained. Good luck!
It was a bit odd, especially since you say he texted you again. It sounds like this guy really likes you and is romantically interested in you, but if so, why did he mention the girlfriend? Perhaps he is unsure, he likes you both and wants to know you better in order to make a decision, yet doesn't want to deceive you.
It's weird, I think you did good by declining, he seems the "player" type to me, and while that can be fun sometimes, you don't seem the kind of girl who enjoys these mind games.
He texted me again this morning, saying that we should meet up again. I don't feel like it. I am going to tell him no, explaining that I don't know what this is about.
Yeah, don't go out again til you get that cleared up on the phone first. Maybe something like...
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"Listen, I enjoyed the cereal date celebrating my exams. But I can't hang out with you until we get some things cleared up here.
What IS this? Are we just hanging out as JUST friends? Are you trying to date me?
If FRIENDS, let's keep it there, and stop with the flirty biz on the side. Behave like a brother. Bring your GF sometimes, I'll bring a date sometimes. We can go bowling. We can call old roomie and bowl there too. Great. But having a GF and being all flirty at me is not cool. Doesn't respect either of us.
Is this DATING? Then wassup with the GF then? Are you breaking up? Finish that before seeing me then, I don't need drama. Look me up when you are past the hoo ha.
Are you poly? Well, I'm wired for ..... so that means.... in this situation.
Dating me means _______. So if you think that's where it is for YOU, let's get on the same page here. I can't be having this weird. It was nice to hang out for cereal date, but I need more clarity not more weird. So we aren't hanging out again until that's sorted. "
Something along those lines.
Some people do the non-date dating well and have it more fluid/organic but that only works when both are singles.
It's not respectful if there's a GF in the picture even if this IS a poly/open rship scene for them. You'd need her buy in not just him saying she says it is cool. SHE needs to tell you herself it is cool.
Boy, maybe my age is showing, but this isn't right. He is two-timing his girlfriend making any kind of date with you or anyone else. I dated a long time before I got married at age 30, and I would never go out with a guy who withheld the fact that he had a girlfriend already -- it's a lie of omission. And I'm very sure she won't see this as an innocent date.
I had this very thing happen to me; and received a not-so-pleasant call from his girlfriend making all kinds of accusations. I had to "nicely" put her straight, explaining the truth -- that he asked me out and I had no idea he had a GF (they were also engaged). She was devastated, even though it was just a date, nothing more. I was not nor ever would be interested in a trio; and no-one should ever assume otherwise -- it's only common sense.
Honestly, I think he has an ego issue: he was annoyed you turned him down so often, then he found someone else, and decided to shock you and hurt you back. So, he's very immature and if you are smart, you'll look elsewhere becuz there's too many fish in the sea for those kind of mind games. It is a sign or red flag -- whatever you want to call it.
I wouldn't have let him off as easily as you did either. I would have asked him right then and there, why he ask me to his home alone if he has a girlfriend already. Then I would have left ...
Thanks for your advice.
He texted me again this morning, saying that we should meet up again. I don't feel like it. I am going to tell him no, explaining that I don't know what this is about.
I'd text back, "How does your girlfriend feel about that idea?", and just leave it. He comes across as such a jerk! Sounds like he made sure you would have a great time, just to make you sorry he had a girlfriend now. I mean, he even said, "Its a pity, you're two months late, I have a girlfriend now."!!!! I would have called him on it right than and there, and than walked out on him.
I can't imagine what his GF must go through dating this supersized ego. Sorry you had to deal with that!
Edited to add...unless he is lying about having a GF to make you feel bad and want him even more? Which makes him even more pathetic than before...
Last edited by CrystalZ10; 05-25-2012 at 03:04 PM.
I don't know if his girlfriend knows about this.
I guess not, since he does seem to have considered it a date.
(my room mate told me his friend asked him to ask me how I liked the date).
So, by now I really feel bad for that girl.
sounds to me like he is keeping you as a back up plan.
regardless ...and no matter how innocent it all was ~ the truth is if you do end up with this guy how would you feel knowing he was texting and meeting other girls while you were dating, cuz if he is doing it with you chances are he would do it to you ~ just something to consider
I can tell you that if my husband had done anything like this with another woman while we were dating I would have been beyond pissed. I don't know this guy so I can't comment on his intentions but his actions were shady. He is disrespecting his girl friend and you at the same time. Just my opinion but I really don't think he has good intentions
