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Don't want another baby

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Old 12-15-2011, 09:50 AM   #1
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Default Don't want another baby

Well after almost 2 years of people telling me, "Oh, you'll change your mind!"... I haven't. I don't want another pregnancy and I don't want another baby. I love my toddler but I don't want to do the pregnancy-newborn/baby stage again. It was too hard for a variety of exceptional reasons. Can't do it.

I was pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby at 10 weeks (a subchorionic haematoma that detached). I hate to say this... but it doesn't upset me.

My husband is pressuring me at least once a week for another child. He can't accept "no". I am very open to adoption with a child that is a toddler or older. He says okay... if we have one more of our own.

What do I do? I have spoken to him over and over and over and we can't agree on this. I am the one who does all the work He also refuses to believe that I had postnatal depression even though it was quite obvious to others.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:57 AM   #2
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It has only been a few months that you lost your baby. Remind your husband of this and tell him it is just too soon ro be making any plans for a new baby at this time. Whether or not you will change your mind is not the point, the point is to get your husband to quit pressuring you.
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:58 AM   #3
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Thanks. I admit I have felt this way since #1 was born. #2 was "planned" but I admit very reluctantly on my part.
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Old 12-15-2011, 11:04 AM   #4
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That's tough.

I want to wait a bit to start trying to get pregnant again, I'm just not emotionally ready, and DH wants to get going right away as soon as we're able to (I'm still waiting for aunt flo before we can even start doing the no pants dance without protection.)...

Its just different for guys. Its not necessarily that they're insensitive, its just that...well, boys are dumb. Nobody knows what you want but you, and while I believe that decisions should be mutual in marriage, pregnancy is different.

Its your body and only you can know you know how you feel. Men only see the results of pregnancy, they can't possibly understand the experience so I know you're frustrated, but try to understand that if you guys aren't going to get pregnant again it may take him a while to come to terms with it. He needs to be understanding, but you should also try to be patient with him.

I would just ask him to put a pin in it for now if you guys can't agree.
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Old 12-15-2011, 01:35 PM   #5
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Huge hug to you sacha. That's really tough. I assume you've talked with him at length about why it was so hard for you? It really is your body, your choice. He will have to deal. It seems really messed up that he refuses to believe you had postnatal depression - has he read up on it at all or is he just being stubborn?
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Old 12-15-2011, 02:44 PM   #6
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That's tough. After my son was born I was done. DH and I talked about it and he even scheduled a vasectomy. When the day came he told me he'd been thinking about it and really wanted another baby at some point. I was very hesitant to say the least. 1 1/2 years later we decided to try and I got pregnant the first attempt. I know in my heart I could have been content with one child but the joy my daughter has brought, not only to me, but to my husband and my son made it worth it to me. My children are best friends and they love being together. My decision could have deprived my son from that relationship. Thinking about that makes me sad.

Ultimately it's a decision only you and your husband can make. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:09 PM   #7
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I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. You're right, YOU do all the work, so your opinion obviously matters here! Have you tried explaining to him that if you do have another baby, you're not doing it because you want to, and that will be detrimental to your relationship with both him and the child? I think you're being perfectly reasonable by proposing the idea to adopt a slightly older child (not to mention very noble, because so many families only want newborns!) I am concerned that he refuses to acknowledge your depression as well. Does he refuse to talk about it, or does he outright deny that it was a reality?
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:26 PM   #8
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Thanks everyone. I *do* want my boy to have a sibling for sure (my husband is an only child and honestly thinks it's all rainbows & sunshine to have siblings) but it's the postnatal depression that scares me.

My son was born with a birth injury, he was very colicky, he only outgrew his acid reflux disease a few weeks ago (he's 18 months), I have no family here except his father (who expects newborns to be left in cribs to cry to sleep from day 1 - I am an attachment parenting mother), and it was just **** on earth plus the labour was horrific (3 full days, torn abdominal muscles, 4 hours pushing, birth injury).

My husband thinks that because I would have a C-section next time (to avoid the birth injury) that a newborn would be easy for us and that I won't have PND again. Maybe it will be - but what if it isn't? How can I function with postnatal depression with not one but TWO babies?? It was hard enough with one. He keeps thinking I'll just 'outgrow it'.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:36 PM   #9
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One, I was an only child, and there were definitely times I wished I had a sibling (interestingly, it's been moreso now that I'm older) but really, it's not so bad. It will not be the end of the world to your child if he's an only!

Two, it sounds like he needs to be seriously educated about depression and the fact that you don't just 'get over it' or 'outgrow' it. Your husband should be sensitive to both your physical AND emotional health and understand that the two are often very intertwined.

I hope that you two can come to an understanding; I really feel for you.
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:04 PM   #10
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I had horrible post partum depression after I had my daughter, my husband deployed when she was 3 months old, and my family lives on the east coast while I'm in WA. It sucked. A lot. I, however, had no previous experience with PPD and didn't get help when I should have. I was completely miserable and didn't connect with my daughter until I finally got help and was put on anti-depressants. After that things improved.

I think adoption is wonderful but it seems like an incredibly stressful, expensive, and uncertain undertaking to me. I'd love to adopt an older child but it scares me that those children have a lot of times been through so much. I've always wondered what it is like being an adopted child whose parents have biological children before or after their adoption. Do they resent the bio kids? Feel even more like an outsider? Things like that.

Before you had your first son did you think you wanted a bigger family? Was your husband under the impression that you'd have more than one child (biological or otherwise)?

Not trying to convince you one way or the other but these are all things I wish I would have thought about or other people would have brought to my attention.
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:29 PM   #11
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Thanks yes, we wanted 3-4 (and he still does) but I really didn't know what motherhood was really like!
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:34 PM   #12
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I completely understand this. My oldest was 3 and a half when I had my youngest. Oldest was colicky, had refux, screamed constantly. I had a horrible delivery, too. Post-partem depression that did not go away until he was about 9 months old. Ugh!

I did want another one, though. It worked out okay. I had a planned c-section. I took "happy pills" for the first months post-partem. I was a much better mommy this second time around. Knowing what to expect took away a lot of the horribleness of the first pregnancy and delivery, and infancy. I am the one who did most all of the work with mine, too. Let me tell you, it was so much better the second time around. Just saying....
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:28 PM   #13
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My daughter has a almost four year old..she has been very clear about not wanting anpother child, but her husband and his family keep pressuring her. As much as I would love a granddaughter...I would never go there. It's her decision.

I also had a miscarriage after my second child...it took me years to get over it...

Hugs to you...
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:50 PM   #14
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Sacha, I had debilitating depression after my first - I didn't want to hold my own baby, it was so bad! And I didn't recognize it until it had passed, nobody said anything. So I had almost four months of not bonding with my daughter, resenting her, struggling daily to do the simplest things, etc. It was awful and very frightening to think I would be prone to it again in the future.


However -

With two other babies born since then, I can say my fears have been unfounded when it comes to suffering from that. I had not a hint of it after my second, and felt it coming on after my third so I could get treatment immediately and head it off in the first few days.

Now, I want as big a family as my husband and I can possibly stand, so I admit that I cannot understand the desire for only a single child, but I DO know many older couples who regret not having more children, I haven't met a single one who has expressed that they wish they'd had less. Just my .02
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Old 12-16-2011, 06:16 AM   #15
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Thank you ladies.

The logical part of me would be Michelle Duggar (well, half that), I would love to have a giant brood of 3-4 children, I really would. It's the fear that I will go through the PND again that scares me.
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