So, what I'm looking for is opinions on staying friends with an ex. I'm kind of a recluse so when I find people I get along with it's not easy for me to just pass on a friendship. But here's the situation:
The guy in question was my first boyfriend. We dated for five years and finally broke up. I dated another guy in between him and meeting my husband. My husband and I were married back in 2007 but just recently came in contact with my ex again. (Bound to happen eventually, we both play the same video game with a pretty small online community.)
Anyway, one night we ended up chatting during a game and both kinda said the same thing: We're both good people, neither were mad at each other but we made each other freakin' miserable. I also found out he's getting married so it's not like he's chasing me or anything and he's not the type to cheat.
So, would it be inappropriate for us to continue to talk or even approach this matter with my husband? I've heard some people say men and women can't be friends and while I can see that, this seems like a different situation. But how comfortable can a husband be knowing his wife is chatting with an ex of five years? But I have so few friends it's hard to me to lose one.
My husband is friends with his first ex. We have actually gone to stay at their house and she's come to stay at ours. They were both able to move on and keep the friendship. I think it helped that they both outgrew the relationship and there wasn't really a 'dumping' of each other. I have no issue with their continued friendship and neither does her spouse (who my husband also knows).
What creates suspicion is secrets. If you come out and say, "hey guess who I ran into on the forum! Yah, he's doing great, getting married, etc." You don't need to ask for permission, but keeping it cool and casual should inspire trust.
But then, I have a very trusting husband and I'm a very trusting person. No secrets about our past at all.
I'm friends with my ex husband. My current husband knows about it. I think it's fine as long as it's all out in the open and no lies and sneakiness. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
If you are both honest and open about friendship and don't fall into the trap of leaning on each other as emotional support when you have arguments with your significant others, there's no reason you can't/shouldn't be friends!
I'm facebook friends with my ex and my DH is facebook friends with his. We wish them both well and all, but we don't want to be tighter than that. One ex I have I lost touch with. Wish him well too, but he's not a facebook/email kind of guy.
Neither DH or I get rattled about that sort of thing because we both maintain it at the "christmas ecard/facebook" level. I suppose if these people were actually in town and wanted to meet up once in a while for a kid playdate or something low key that would be fine. DH & I at nearly 20 years are pretty solid.
Just be honest with your DH and up front. If there's a problem, be willing to let it go/work it out.
I think its fine. I was with my ex for 5 yrs too, from 15-20 but we were always more like friends then boyfriend&girlfriend + we were so young. We broke up right when I turned 20, right around the time I met my current boyfriend & he met his current gf. We never stopped talking tho, bc we were always so close & were like best friends rather then bf gf. Its been 3 years since I been with my current bf & hes been with his gf & we still talk just about everyday through calls & text, we actually never stopped. Were like best friends & both of our partners are fine with it. Its bc they know we dont like eachother like that. It took my boyfriend a few months to really understand but he came around once he realized we are really just friends SO i think its fine
Last edited by CandyCoatedSymphony; 04-03-2011 at 11:40 PM.
Who I am worried about is the fiance of your ex. If I were going to get married to someone, having my fiance talking to an ex online would be super fishy to me. That said, I would make sure the fiance knows so neither of you gets in hot water.
As long as you both no longer have feelings for each other and I really wouldn't suggest going down memory lane when you two talk and just talk about your current life right now I don't see an issue with it as long as your husband knows and there is no kept secrets. Sometimes friendships work out and sometimes they don't. If it's been long enough that you both haven't talked in years I say why bother but it's up to you.
Who I am worried about is the fiance of your ex. If I were going to get married to someone, having my fiance talking to an ex online would be super fishy to me. That said, I would make sure the fiance knows so neither of you gets in hot water.
I felt the same way and asked my ex upfront about it. He stated she has no issues with him being friends with anyone, ex gf included, and like me, wouldn't remotely try to hide it.
It turns out my husband doesn't really mind. He went so far as to say even I were at a bar and flirted with someone (I wouldn't BTW, which is why this is an extreme example) it wouldn't really bother him. Sure he'd get twinges of jealousy, but I love him and he knows I'd never in a thousand years cheat.
I may have been a little over paranoid/cautions (better than not!) due to the fact my husband's first marriage ended when his wife cheated on him. So wrong. I may have been apprehensive to even approach it in case it brought up feelings from that time in his life.
As long as you both no longer have feelings for each other and I really wouldn't suggest going down memory lane when you two talk and just talk about your current life right now I don't see an issue with it as long as your husband knows and there is no kept secrets. Sometimes friendships work out and sometimes they don't. If it's been long enough that you both haven't talked in years I say why bother but it's up to you.
I think those are valid points. The only thing from the past we'd really discuss are general things like, mutual friends, events, whatnot. Not "remember when were were 17 and had that great sex!", first kiss, or anything intimate. I honestly don't even find him attractive in the least anymore. (It turns out the sex wasn't as great as I thought it was at the time either! )
We lost touch initially because I felt he did have feelings for a while. It was more of an immaturity thing on both parts. Given it was our first relationship, and a long one at that, neither knew how to move on gracefully. Thank God for growing up!! In addition, he joined the military and was away for a while and I moved around a bit. We've both recently ended up in our same hometown again.
Astrophe: I would be ok with it being beyond that level but only if both SO's were involved. Dinner, drinks, etc. If we did something of the sort and it turns out way awkward, that's that.
Krampus: I see that type of situation as being an "emotional affair". I don't think sex has to be on the table to be entirely too close to another person, ex or not. That said, I don't really discuss arguements and disagreements we have with others, because, well, everyone has them and it's SO one sided. I don't even tell my mother because she doesn't want to know!
I am good friends with my ex. We dated for 2 1/2 years and broke up 3 years ago. We were extremely close before we dated, so it was not too difficult to slip back into the friendship mode after the breakup (which was mutual).
I am in a serious relationship though and I do have to be VERY careful. It hurts my boyfriend when I spend too much time talking online with my ex (we live continents apart and keep in touch via gmail, email). Hurting my boyfriend is the last thing I want to do so if it bothers him how close I remain emotionally with my ex I need to be cognizant of that.
I also am not sure, at least in my situation, if you can ever be truly over someone with whom you have shared such a strong emotional and physical bond. I am an extremely rational person who has never cheated in my life, but I know putting myself in certain positions with my ex (alone, etc) could lead to trouble. Better to just avoid that completely than run any risk of making a mistake.
Stay friends with an ex?
SO i think its fine 
So wrong. I may have been apprehensive to even approach it in case it brought up feelings from that time in his life.
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