My stepson is about to turn 5 and he has the same questions about death right now. We are also not religious, nor is his mother, so we haven't had any discussions about afterlife and such.
In our case, DSS just lost his great grandfather, which triggered a heightened interest in the concept of death. He had been asking questions before, but not as frequently. We have realized that his issue age, like Amanda suggested. He couldn't vision the difference between us and his Pappy, and now Pappy was dead. That made him wonder when we would be dead. We are reinforcing the difference in ages between us and Pappy now, though that led to him asking questions about his grandparents, too.
It is a hard concept for kids, heck, it is a hard concept for adults, too.
He couldn't vision the difference between us and his Pappy, and now Pappy was dead. That made him wonder when we would be dead.
I totally think that was what it was.
I work in a nursing home and had to run in there the other day so I brought DS with me. Of course all of the ladies are oogling over him and most of them use a walker, cane, wheelchair, have grey hair, some yell, some scream. He got out to the car and says "Ohhhhh so THAT'S old!!". hehe. The questions have been coming less these past couple of days, so hopefully he sort of understands the concept.
I think it would be a bad idea to tell your four-year-old that when you die, you go into a box in the ground and decompose.
Kids take everything literally, and when I was younger and had a friend die (at 7) my parents told me she was in heaven and was an angel up in the sky. For the longest time, I thought heaven was *literally* in the sky. Until I was like 12. And then I started going to church and learned that it's more like another dimension.
I would say something like when we die, there's a part of us that goes on and that you'll all be together when you die.
If he starts to get upset, I would comfort him and say that you'll miss him too, and that it's a natural part of life and that we have to die for the earth to go on. You might want to watch a nature documentary with him (something for kids) or even The Lion King. I think that movie has a great message about death.
You have to be honest though, and say that some people die when they're old and some people die when they're young. It could be disastrous if someone close to him who is young dies.
About a week ago I had said to him "Even when mommy is really really old and has died and you can't see me any longer do you know where I'll be?" he says "where?" and I said "In your heart". He sits there looking at me for a few seconds and says "But how will you fit in there?". Haaaahahahahaha. Guess that didn't work very well!
Ok, that ALMOST made me want to have kids lol. That was really adorable.
Yeah, I agree it's a tough one. Our family practiced a certain religion until I was about 7 or 8 years old. I was told there was a "paradise" where we would see everyone who died again and just live as usual in a beautiful land. That pretty much did it for me! I loved that idea and had no fear of death or what would happen because I knew that I would see everyone again in a different "world".
So yeah, that was when I was young. Not so much now lol, but that's not the point!
I really think that kids this age are mostly asking for reassurance. My younger son wanted to marry me when he was this age, and he also wanted a lot of reassurance that he could always live with me, forever and ever. (He also wanted to buy me a gold gown and do pairs ice dancing with me, hahahaha). What he was really saying was that he was really attached to me and didn't want to be separated from me. So I assured him that, although the rules wouldn't allow us to be married because I was already married to Daddy, he could live with me for as long as he wanted.
I don't remember lots of questions about death, but because I'm more of an agnostic than anything else, I am sure that I would have told him a story about heaven (while emphasizing that usually it's just super old people who die, like Great Grandma) and that dying isn't anything most of us have to worry about any time soon.
All my kids have gone through this phase, I have four, some more intensely than others. We are not particularly religious but we talked through what other people believe and even about spirits and ghosts. My oldest like the idea of reincarnation and said that he wants to come back as a rhino or a red kite! I have talked with all of them about the natural order of life and death i.e things are born and old things have to die to make room for the new. The changing seasons is a great way to do this. We have also looked at dead things by the side of the road because they wanted to look and I don't want them to be squeamish about stuff like that. They have asked about me and their dad dying and that they want us to live forever but we just talked about the stuff I mentioned above.
I think as kids you are very anxious about your parents dying, I know I was. But as you get older you understand more and different worries take there place. Just keep talking to your son and be honest cos kids always know when you do not truly believe what you are saying.
I know this won't be of help, probably, to the original poster but it may help some ~ It was sent to my e-mail today
~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT.
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die..
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,
And don't know what's on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before..
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
But I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough.
You may have noticed from our blue team chats that I'm a (Christian) minister...so I want you to brace yourself when I say,
I agree with your husband.
I don't think you should fib to your son. You have a faith that you practice in your family, and I don't think that in order to make things "easier" for anybody in the short term, that you should betray that faith--it will only confuse him in the long run.
I have two children. One is an Athiest, one is a Christian. Each has their reasons, each is respected by my husband and me, and each respects the other's decisions. Both of them asked the kinds of questions that your son is asking (and at the same age), and I answered them as best I could with what I believed.
I think that two things you could do (if he still has concerns) is point out people in your family who are "way old," if he has grandparents or great-grandparents or great-aunts/uncles....also, "I'll be in your heart--" that was cute, and you were on the right track, I think you could go a little further into memory-building with him, "making special memories," if you are genetically related, point out that your kid pics look like his, that there is a bond between the generations, etc. One day when I was about your son's age, my grandmother showed me an old black and white picture of me sitting on the steps of a house I'd never seen, in an old fashioned dress. Of course, it wasn't "me," it was my grandmother, but it tickled me greatly to know that I looked "just like her."
I think it would be a bad idea to tell your four-year-old that when you die, you go into a box in the ground and decompose.
I absolutely disagree. I think I had a tremendous advantage growing up on a farm. The cycle of life and death were a part of our daily life, things were born, things died, that's just the way it was. I actually feel sorry for people, yes, including my own children, who don't have these experiences. It makes it so much more real.
Quote:
Originally Posted by weebleswobble
Babygrant,
You may have noticed from our blue team chats that I'm a (Christian) minister...so I want you to brace yourself when I say,
I agree with your husband.
I don't think you should fib to your son. You have a faith that you practice in your family, and I don't think that in order to make things "easier" for anybody in the short term, that you should betray that faith--it will only confuse him in the long run.
I have two children. One is an Athiest, one is a Christian. Each has their reasons, each is respected by my husband and me, and each respects the other's decisions. Both of them asked the kinds of questions that your son is asking (and at the same age), and I answered them as best I could with what I believed.
I think that two things you could do (if he still has concerns) is point out people in your family who are "way old," if he has grandparents or great-grandparents or great-aunts/uncles....also, "I'll be in your heart--" that was cute, and you were on the right track, I think you could go a little further into memory-building with him, "making special memories," if you are genetically related, point out that your kid pics look like his, that there is a bond between the generations, etc. One day when I was about your son's age, my grandmother showed me an old black and white picture of me sitting on the steps of a house I'd never seen, in an old fashioned dress. Of course, it wasn't "me," it was my grandmother, but it tickled me greatly to know that I looked "just like her."
Thank you so much for your generous spirit!
Just one question to those who've suggested the OP lie to her son and tell him that she believes in some kind of afterlife, in order to "comfort" him.
If the boot were on the other foot, and she were a deeply religious person whose son was terrified of the concept of God and Heaven, would you suggest she give up those beliefs or lie to her son about what she believed in, because it would make her son happier? Why then are you suggesting that she do the reverse? In my opinion (and that's all it is, my opinion) this is highly disrespectful and rude.
Animals are not people. For a child, the thought of being in a coffin and decomposing in the ground can be terrifying. People have phobias of coffins and enclosed spaces. *I* have a phobia of that, and I'm 24.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primm
If the boot were on the other foot, and she were a deeply religious person whose son was terrified of the concept of God and Heaven, would you suggest she give up those beliefs or lie to her son about what she believed in, because it would make her son happier?
It's more comforting to a 4-year-old. When you're that young, you can't speak in absolutes to kids. You certainly can't terrify them, and the thought of being totally alone and not having any sort of consciousness is much too a mature subject for kids. Would you talk about existentialism to kids? You have to be careful explaining these things to kids or else it could severely affect them. You have to be so careful in the way that you talk to kids about things. Why freak your kid out just because you don't believe in an afterlife?
And I personally think it's very selfish of parents to only explain their beliefs (or only one point of view), and not multiple ones. I really don't think it's fair to anyone's child if they're only raised with one spiritual point of view. I still have wounds from my religious upbringing and i would have really appreciated some variety.
I think the best thing to say is that you really don't know what happens when you die, but you hope that you'll be together.
Just one question to those who've suggested the OP lie to her son and tell him that she believes in some kind of afterlife, in order to "comfort" him.
Maybe I missed something...I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree...but I have not got the impression from anybody here that the OP poster lie about her beliefs...in fact I find it to be quite the opposite in support for her to follow her DH's advice.
I don't have any suggestions or ideas from when my kids were smaller.My oldest asked like the OP's son and at the time,I considered myself a Christian,so it was an easier answer.
My youngest however,told me what he thinks happens to a person when they die.When he was around 4 he started telling us "stories".He believes in reincarnation,and has since he was 4(we didn't).He's 8 now,and while he no longer tells us stories,still believes that we will go on to have other lives after we die.When I told my mother what he thought,she started looking up information on reincarnation,and would ask me every now and then if he had anymore stories,lol.
Whatever everyone's beliefs are,it's never an easy discussion to have with a small child.
Ok so DS has been asking less and less, but I thought I'd give a bit more info.
My dad was raised a mormon. His entire family is mormon. His mom made him get a job at 15 to help pay their mortgage so he didn't have time for church and was excommunicated (???). Seriously, he still has the letter. So like I said, his family was all mormon. We weren't included in any family gatherings because we weren't part of the church. My siblings and I were constantly badgered about joining the church, about drinking pepsi, about wearing bikinis, about dating, etc, etc, etc. It was just a really bad experience. In my original post I should've stated my husband is an athiest...I am personally not sure, I am more on the side of not believing but I've had a few life experiences that make me really really question it, hense the reason there's a part of me that does believe (I can go more into details about that if anyone is interested, lol). I really think I would've had a good relationship with my grandparents had they not constantly pestered me with religion. My other grandma, whom I love and adore, is a Luthern and has never once pushed her beliefs on me and I have gone to church with her before, and used to go to Sunday school with her. DH and I were even married by a Luthern pastor and we sang hymns at our wedding (7 1/2 years ago), and took three or four pre-matiral courses at the church. DH wasn't always adament there was no God or higher power, it's only changed the past couple of years.
So anyways, when my oldest son (6 years old) was questioning death, we did explain to him that people go to heaven and that one day we will all be together again, etc, etc, etc. Him and youngest DS must've chatted one day because DS has been mentioning heaven quite a bit and I'm not stopping him. The posters who said that there is comfort thinking we'll all be together again someday were right. He broke a sea shell in half the other day and he says "well I guess they'll both go to heaven". So I'm just letting him believe what he believes and I think it may be time to do some soul searching for myself.
He broke a sea shell in half the other day and he says "well I guess they'll both go to heaven". So I'm just letting him believe what he believes and I think it may be time to do some soul searching for myself.
Your son sounds so sweet. I could read those cute things kids say all day!
