Fibromyalgia is NOT the wastecan diagnosis it once was. It is not true that if they can't find anything wrong with you, they smack on the fibro label. While there isn't a blood test, fibro has very specific symptoms besides just the muscle and joint pain - so a false fibromyalgia diagnosis isn't likely unless the doctor doesn't know what he's doing (which is possible, as hypochondriacs can doctor shop until they find someone willing to give the diagnosis they want). Also, getting SSI or SSDI is far from easy, so while a hypochondriac or liar can get on disability, tha's not extremely likely either.
Antidepressants are an appropriate treatment for fibro - but not because of mental problems. Antidepressants do not fix "mental problems," they regulate neurotransmitters, brain chemicals. So they can only treat brain chemical problems (like the ones that cause some forms of depression and the ones that cause the sleep and pain problems of fibromyalgia). Many people with fibro refuse to take antidepressants, because they believe it's admitting that they're "crazy," though they're rarely on a dose that would be affective for depression (for example I take amitryptilene before bedtime to regulate sleep - if I were depressed I would be taking a much larger dose and throughout the day, not only in the evening).
It is very common for folks with fibromyalgia to be labeled hypochondriacs by EVERYONE in the person's lives. After all, "You don't look sick." Also, fibromyalgia can be a chicken/egg situation with health concerns/hypochondriac tendencies. When you go for years without doctors or anyone else believing you, you often start trying to self-diagnose (especially in this day of the internet) and it can make a person paranoid and crazy about every little symptom. Also, after being told for years, "there's nothing that can be done," it can be extremely difficult to get out of a fatalistic mindset, a learned helplessness that makes even the smallest proactive health choice (like exercising or diet changes) seem impossible.
It would not hurt to assume the fibromyalgia is "real" because the state-of-the-art treatment for fibromyalgia is exactly what you want for them. Exercise and for some, diet are cornerstone treatments for fibromyalgia, and any doctor and the most current books on the topic would address this. Most people suffer with fibro for ten years or more before the diagnosis (not looking sick the entire time), so I would still hesitate to assume that these women are true hypochondriacs, and just not typical undiagnosed fibromites. If they have fibromyalgia, the diagnosis is often a turning point. It's very difficult to be proactive about your symptoms when doctors tell you there's nothing wrong with you - you end up becoming the hypochondriac they are accusing you of being. A support group for fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue (which may be different ends of the same disorder spectrum), and current books on the topic will address the most effective treatment (which surprisingly in the vast majority of cases is not pain meds).
Regardless of whether a real problem exists, and regardless of the cause - there's nothing that you can do about it. You can't make anyone make the choices in their life that you want them to make.
I am fully aware that fibro is an actual condition.
My issue, is that I don't believe that my MIL or my SIL have it. I believe that they are indeed have hypochondria.
You have to understand...it isn't that they have felt the symptoms of fibro for years and years, and are just being diagnosed. That isn't the case. It is the fact that if they are watching tv (and happen to be fidgeting a bit) and the drug commercial for restless leg syndrome comes on, then all of a sudden they wonder if they HAVE it.
The problem is that it is always SOMETHING. My MIL was CONVINCED that the her former doctor (the one who dismissed her as a patient) didn't know what he was talking about. She couldn't do anything because of her back pain, and he couldn't find anything physically wrong with her back. He tested for everything in the book. He wanted her to lose weight, and to do the exercises to strengthen her abs and back...and she didn't want that answer. She wanted pain killers, and a "label" to tell everyone about. This is the woman who can't get up because she threw out her back, but 2 days later, someone sees her out powerwashing her DECK.
My SIL couldn't do outdoor chores as a kid, because of her supposed allergies (and the family fell for it...) yet the outdoors didn't bother her enough to keep her from going on the family camping trips almost every month through the summer. (They have a place on the lake.)
My SIL last summer complained of hurting her neck, and talked about how she couldn't turn her head, etc. A little while later, my husband said "HEY ______" and she turned her neck right around to see what he wanted. My husband said "I thought you couldn't turn your head!"
It isn't about someone having fibro, and being undiagnosed for years. It is about their obsession with doctors, every medical/drug commercial on tv, and everyone else's medical issues as well as their own.
My other SIL just had a c-section, and MIL is freaking out because SIL is having a "pulling sensation" at the incision. This is completely NORMAL. She wants to make a medical emergency out of EVERYTHING.
My MIL and SIL have also both had carpel tunnel, or so they say, after hearing about a friend's problem with it. It's like they hear about someone with a medical problem, or hear about one on tv...and all of a sudden THEY have it, too.
Seriously...dinner conversation over there consists of hearing about everyone's personal medical history. "So-and-so had had a D&C last Thursday, can you pass the tomato sauce?"
I also wanted to add that because my MIL and SIL are ALREADY on so many prescription medications, that some of the "symptoms" of fibro are actually side effects from the medications that they are already taking. If they were to stop taking many of their medications, the fibro symptoms would subside...
You asked for a "how do I help" answer, so I'll attempt to give you one that works for everyone, and works whether or not her symptoms are caused by mental or physical illness.
You acknowledge how hard <X> must be, and you bring large amounts of studies and advice to them about how diet/exercise/sleep/fewer medications can make them feel better.
Example: "My fibro is really acting up, I can barely get out of bed"
You: "That's so horrible, I can't imagine. I brought you X healthy meal and put it in your freezer, since I recently read an article about how those with Fibro can get symptom relief with healthy diet and exercise. I'll print it out for you - I found it fascinating. When you're feeling a little better, maybe we can go for a walk? Those with fibro tend to do better with regular physical activity. I hope you're feeling better soon!
Example: "Oh, my back hurts!"
You: Gosh, have you been to the doctor? I know how much back pain hurts (from experience, from when DH's back went out, etc). When (whoevers) back went out, doing exercises really helped get him mobile again. I'll bring you a printout of the workouts, and you can check with your doctor on whether they'd work for you! I hope you feel better soon!
Example: "I'm feeling really crappy lately!"
You: I'm sorry you're not feeling well! I recently read this really interesting article (side note: I actually did, I'll see if I can find it for you) in a magazine about how taking too many prescriptions with their individual side effects can be almost worse than the original illness. There's a specialist who evaluates prescriptions to see if they have interactions or combined toxicities...maybe you should look him up! I feel terrible knowing you feel so sick.
There are two options here, and neither one of them reflects a lack of symptoms.
Option 1 is that she has one or many medical conditions or prescription interactions that are causing her to feel unpleasant physical symptoms. In this case, saying "I'm so sorry you're feeling bad" acknowledges that she isn't feeling well and that you don't think she's nuts, which can be terrible to those experiencing scary symptoms and unable to find a cause. Providing the additional information is helpful, and if done enough, may provoke them to make lifestyle changes that will make them feel better.
Option 2 is that mental illness is causing her to feel unpleasant physical symptoms. In this case, the symptoms are still real, they just don't have a single or multiple physical underlying causes. BUT she is still feeling what she feels. By saying "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well", you prevent her from feeling like the whole world is against her. By giving her lifestyle-based support and advice, you're encouraging her to make changes that could make her symptoms go away (hypochondria is strongly linked to depression and anxiety, both of which are helped by exercise). You establish yourself as a friendly person willing to listen, which in turn makes them more likely to listen to you.
It can be horrible to have to suck it up, so to speak, and acknowledge/validate symptoms you don't believe warrant your attention. But eventually, it could make her MUCH easier for everyone to deal with (and it could make her FEEL better, too)
I agree with Amanda. The more you deny that something is wrong, the more they will try to prove you wrong. Plus, they may also be getting some mental benefit out of no one believing them, because believing they are so misunderstood adds to their "specialness." It may seem counter-intuitive, but often agreeing de-escalates the complaining. Just respond to everything with "Oh, how awful that must be." Every time, over and over. But never ever discuss the actual symptoms, because that goes down an endless path that you cannot win.
And the other half of what she said is also true. Always calmly offer food and exercise solutions.
Hopefully they get tired of not getting what they want from you (to have the specialness of not being believed) and always getting something they don't want (solutions that involve them changing anything).
Of course, ultimately you can't change them. It's all about keeping it from twisting you up.
Mandalinn said what I was trying to say much more eloquently -- it doesn't matter whether their symptoms are "real" or not, they are real to them - and the best treatment (living a healthy lifestyle) really is the same whether you are right and they don't have fibro - or whether you are wrong and they do.
I've had much of what you've said about your in-laws said about me, and so has virtually every person with fibromyalgia. There is always someone telling you that if you'd only do x, y, or z - you'd feel fine. Whether they are real fibromyalgia sufferers or true hypochondriacs, the best response really is the same - acknowledging the truth of their experience to them, and offering them resources for treatments that might be effective - recommending books, support groups, and information - and it doesn't matter if they "really" have fibro - because the advice that helps fibro, would also help if their condition is mostly psychological and a result of drug side-effects. Sleep better, exercise more, pay attention to what you eat (for most fibro sufferers sugar and other refined carbs trigger flares - that avoiding those would help almost anyone feel better - bonus), and work closely with your doctor and pharmacist regarding meds. Since the treatment is the same, what's the harm in assuming the fibro is real - but regardless, ultimately their behavior and their reality is not something you have the power to change.
I guess I will just try and do what I normally do-completely ignore any conversations that turn medical. My normal way of dealing with it is to leave every time a conversation turns in that direction-I go check on the kids in the playroom, go get a water from the fridge, etc. I don't try and tell them that they aren't sick, etc. I just do my best to ignore it while I am around them...and then my husband and I just discuss it later on, when we are no longer around them.
So far on this thread, I truly believe that junebug understand what I am witnessing best-even though she deleted her posts. I still know what they said...
I believe that they are indeed have hypochondria. 
