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paternity/moral issue?

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Old 06-29-2007, 06:31 PM   #1
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Question paternity/moral issue?

If you grew up with a stepfather you hated, didn't meet your father til you were 18 and then found out 11 years later that he "may or may not" be your biological father some other complete stranger might be.......would you try to find out for sure or just leave things the way they are?
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Old 06-29-2007, 06:45 PM   #2
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I did grow up with a stepfather that I hated ( with good reason ).
My father died when I was 17 months old , I have no memory of him at all. As a child I used to fantasize that he wasn't really dead and someday he would come back.I would definetely want to know for sure who my biological father is.
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Old 06-29-2007, 06:55 PM   #3
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I don't know. My biological family has largely been a disappointment and I'm not sure I'd want to make it any bigger; it's stressful enough to deal with as it is.

Although I've always known who my biological parents are, I have half siblings who did not and who did go through the trouble of finding their biological parents. Both situations ended in terrible disappointment (for one, the biological parent had died, and the other does not get along with her biological parent any better than she gets along with her legal parents). I think people often have very high expectations in these situtations and reality rarely meets up with them. My inclination would probably be to leave things be. But this is clearly a very personal decision that you have to make for yourself.
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:18 PM   #4
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Question -- how do you get along with your dad (may or may not be one)? If you get along well and he's okay with not knowing -- I might tend to stick with that. I think it takes more than DNA to be a father -- the fact that someone else may be your dad will not automatically make the two of you fall in love with each other and be close. If you have what you need from your dad now, you may be terribly disappointed if you move on and he may be hurt as well.

I however have a nephew that was given up for adoption 22 years ago and wish he would come looking for us -- but he would be terribly disappointed in his birth mother (my sister) and I'm sure he did much better with his parents.

I'm sure your heart will lead you in the right direction and you will do what you need to do to feel whole again. Good luck.
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:31 PM   #5
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I was adopted as an infant, but had wonderful, but ordinarily disfunctional parents. I have never been interested in finding bioparents (except childish fantasies when I was mad at my parents when I was being punished). In my 30's I started having health problems, and my parents even encouraged me to find bio parents, possibly to gain information, but even so, I've never been very motivated.

My brother (also adopted, different bioparents) did make contact with his biomother, and had contact for a while, but basically, she had spent all of those years thinking if him as her son, and to him, she was a stranger so he kind of felt "stalked" by her, and ultimately broke contact. He did get a lot of his questions answered though.

If you do decide to find/meet biodad, you have to be prepared for every possible response - denial, rejection, unrealistic expectations... and not just from him but from his family, you, and your family. It's definitely going to be complicated, and if you don't think you can handle any of the possible reactions, you're probably better of as you are. My take on it, for what it's worth.
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Old 06-29-2007, 08:35 PM   #6
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My aunt was adopted out - she made contact with us (biological family) about 10 years ago. It was the best feeling knowing I suddenly had a "new" aunt and "new" cousins!

She keeps in contact with my dad and his brother and to an extent her biological mother (my Nanna) but Nan is not really the maternal type...not even to the sons she kept so she's not been all that interested in knowing her daugher except to know she's well and happy.

You can't miss the fact Heather is their sister though - her sons look exactly like my dad and his brother lol. It's uncanny. She even gave them the same names.

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Old 06-29-2007, 09:38 PM   #7
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I would want to know. I had a stepfather I hated (also with good reason, but that's a whole book of emotional scarring right there LOL), but fortunately I had a supportive dad who was there for me even after the divorce.

HOWEVER, I do know of atleast 2 older half siblings from before my mom and dad married that don't even know my dad is their father. Their moms didn't tell them. I always have wanted to find out who these siblings were and meet them, though I know I probably never will. The only reason I know they exist is because my mom decided to tell me every terrible thing my father had ever done during the divorce to try and justify it.
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Old 06-29-2007, 11:58 PM   #8
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First, I'd want to know. Not only because you may develop a good relationship, but what happens should you need a kidney one day? Your own medical history is lost somewhere with a man you don't know. Its worth finding out just for that.

Secondly, my aunt was adopted. She was taken in by my grandmother as a 3 day old infant under foster care and the adoption went through a couple years later. She tracked down her bio parents and they all have a good relationship to this day (nearly 20 years later). Her mom didn't WANT to give her up but as a teen, was forced to by her parents. Now it may be that your dad wants nothing to do with you, or he may be in the same boat. Which leads me to three...

I don't know your mom and don't want to say anything to offend you, but was this a case where she didn't tell you your real father so that she may have not told him and he never knew. Or a case where she THOUGHT the man you met at 18 WAS your father, but there was a remote possibility another man was and she just didn't consider it then? In either case, he may be receptive to you. But...could it have been that he didn't want involved with you and so she simply attributed you to the one you thought was dad and didn't go after the other guy? It sounds like a convoluted situation any way it goes.
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Old 06-30-2007, 04:27 PM   #9
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I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. First off, I found all this out from a conversation with a complete stranger. It's been confirmed by my mother, so I know now that it's true. She cheated on my "dad" and she doesn't really know who the father is. She claims that "dad" questioned the paternity, but didn't push it. I've had contact with "dad" and he says that he never questioned it, so this is a big blow to him now. To him I am his daughter, regardless. But the medical thing keeps popping in my head ,too, not just for me but for my daughter.
On top of all this, I'm pretty sure that my stepdad's kids, half siblings of mine, have all disowned me because I finally disclosed to them the abuse I suffered by their father. I probably never would have if they didn't push the issue, the reason I don't talk to him or talk about him. I also needed to know if he has abused them, I hope that by their reactions this means that he hasn't. It's just been a rough week!
Thank you for your responses, sometimes it's just nice to get some different opinions!
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Old 06-30-2007, 04:50 PM   #10
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You could have DNA tests and find out for sure.
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:02 PM   #11
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i think for me it would depend on whether or not i thought it would damage my relationship w/ my dad (the one you met at 18)... if we had a great relationship i don't know if i'd want to know or not... but if you feel you're still looking for someone to fill that role in your life and he hasn't... that might be another thing entirely.
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Old 06-30-2007, 08:45 PM   #12
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That's a hard one...while I probably would be fine with things they way they are, I think in the back of my head I would always wonder and want to know. Do yeah, I would definitely try to find out. But that's me and everyone is different. Good luck whatever you decide.
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