So there is this guy that i met in february. We met in a bar where he decided to compliment me on my dog. I was shocked - i'd been checking him out since i walked in. he was GORGEOUS. and SOOO out of my league! But we continued to talk all night, he asked for my number and suggested we go to dinner. (Uh-huh. you just met me in a bar. SSSUURREEE you're going to call.)
I totally didnt expect him to actually call - but he did!
We talked for a while on the phone, ended up going on a group date for our first date and had an awesome time. but ended up going *way* too far.
The next morning I wake up feeling really weird about it and terrified he wouldnt call me again. (its true, isnt it?? they NEVER call back!) well he did and we had a talk where i was the first one (in a true to form protect my heart sweeping motion) to say "yeah, im not looking for a relationship... but i dont want to stop hanging out. ive got a lot on my plate right now blah blah blah".... (LIAR! ) to which he responded in kind "yeah, i dont have time for one. ive got my son full-time, and the marine corps, etc.... but you're fun so lets still hang out."
And we did just that, and it developed emotionally quite a bit. He tells me how much he shows off my pictures to his friends, and how much he likes me, etc.... we talked a lot and spent a fair amount of time with each other. after one particularly emotional night we slept together again. -which sent my brain through a tailspin. gah! he doesnt want a relationship! he said so! (yes of course i was lying when i said it and even if i did mean it even a little bit when i said it I CHANGED MY MIND!....) I really felt like i was putting myself in a position to really get hurt. So i emailed him a heartfelt - we cant sleep together anymore because i cant seperate emotions and sex, etc...etc... he took it extremely well and made me promise we would still be friends. of course i said yes.
and we continued to spend time together. he continued to take me out, be a great guy and simultaeously respect my wishes. ive never had a guy do that for me. ever. anytime i told a man i didnt want to sleep with him, i never heard from him again. ever.
last week, we hung out (me, him and his son) and had a fantastic evening. big shocked - after a month of being good at being "just friends". we slept together again. (this was a few days ago)
sigh.
he is out of town emergently for the next 2 weeks to take care of his sick mom, so he has a lot on his plate. since this last time, he is a little more distant. im trying to say its because of his mom. but obviously he and i need to work something out...
ok - heres my problem.
I CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT HIM!
.... but he said initially that he didnt want a girlfriend... should i approach it again? leave it be? what do i do?
Ok so you've slept with the guy but you are afraid that if you tell him you want to date then he will run?
First off, if he does has his son and you are good with him and his son then he might appreciate you as a girlfriend. Not many women deal with a man and his child well, especially around your age.
Secondly, if you are hanging around him and caught up with him but not really dating, then I don't see you as open to dating other guys so you are in limbo.
Thirdly, if you aren't dating and just occassionally sleeping together, you are simply a friend with "benefits", and do you want that? It doesn't sound like it.
If he runs, then I think that is for the better, if he doesn't run then you are dating a guy you like.
you cant get what you want unless you let him know what it is. Maybe he was lying too.
Rejection is painful but not fatal. I would tell him that you have feelings and want a relationship and if he still says no, just friends, then say "sorry, but friendship isnt working for me" and cut him out of your life
In the end continuing the dance will be more painful...its like ripping off a bandaid. If it is badnews...just get it over with
It sounds to me like you are already his girlfriend. He may very well have said he wasn't looking for a relationship because you said it first. His seeming distant now, may be because he doesn't think you want to get serious. Let him know how you really feel. He may feel the same way.
Oh Kate! Thank you for sharing this. It truly made me smile. I know you are going through a lot of angst right now, but I really enjoyed reading this and remembering way back to that time of passion, emotion, excitement and the resulting (darn it) insecurity. I've been married for 20 years and am in the midst of being mom, so this stuff is way behind me!!
I actually do have a little advice, though!! I think that you're going to have to be a little careful with your timing right now with his mom being sick. He probably has a lot on his plate. But, I have a feeling that he has grown in his feelings for you, too. I don't think you're alone in this. So, my advice is to be honest with him. I think you need to tell him how you feel, that you'd like to have a relationship with him. If he is totally opposed to it, then you'll know. To me, not knowing and worrying about it would be a lot more difficult than possibly facing a "rejection" of sorts. My gut feeling (and I do have a substantial gut!) is that you won't be rejected! What he said initially may have nothing to do with how he feels now.
I agree with the rest, let him know "friends" is great, but you wouldn't mind if it eventually moved on to more. No -- "I want to jump from friend to girlfriend this minute" if he isn't ready for that, but that you are very open to that option. If he is allowing you to spend time with his son, I have a feeling he wants the same -- good luck!! He sounds like a nice guy.
Yes, the guy said he didn't want a girlfriend-- in February! It's been a long time since then, and your relationship has had time to grow into something that it sounds like you both value a lot. I say just be honest with him-- maybe he just said he's feeling the same thing and is upset that you said you didn't want a boyfriend, and he'll be thrilled when you open the door.
how does he act with you when you go out?
Does he treat you like his sister, or are there little touches, and gestures?
You can usually tell by their eyes if they are all about it or not. If he lights up when he sees you I would say he just said that initially and he does want to date you.
If you're unsure and you don't know how to broach it, I would say something like...
I think I'm starting to fall for you so we're not going to be able to be bum buddies anymore as it's getting too complicated emotionally for me..we could try dating or we could end evertyhing. At this point, I don't think I can "just be friends".
Well not those exact words, I would beat around the bush a little more, but that's pretty much the effect of what I would say
You've met his son.
He's showing off your picture.
He's respecting your wishes when it comes to having sex, but he's up for it ('scuse the pun) when you're up for it.
What's wrong with this picture? Your insecurity! Woman, he is dating you. He let you know he was going out of town to take care of his mom, right? Honestly, what would be different if he was officially dating you? Probably nothing. Accept it. Enjoy it. When he gets back, let him know you want something more. He does too. That's why you've both got something more, that's why you're both doing something more. He hasn't said anything you haven't said, and you said it first. Men guard their feelings too.
Just go for him, guys tend to say they don't have time for relationship or anything but most of them ended up in relationship anyway.
The problem is the son, are you sure he's ok with the idea of your presence most of the time ? get along well with his son and you stand better chance getting him.
FIRST and foremost, the fact that you hung our w/him and his SON, is major. I don't care if you're "just friends". Alot of people I know, will not bring anyone near their child that they don't have feelings for (unless, of course it's in a group setting). But it was just you, him and his son. He really likes you (you have to say it all sing songy! hehe).
Here's my story in a nutshell. I was just like you, not wanting to get hurt, I had a wall around my heart, etc... Well, I met this guy at a BAR and he had a daughter (still does), we talked all night the first night. He called (surprise!) and we went out again, went way too far. He called again, we went out again. Then on the 4th of July about 2 weeks after we met, he proposed to me. Six months later on New Year's Eve we got married! We've been married over 11 years. We have 5 kids (my SD that I mentioned earlier and then we had 4 together). So Please, break down that barrier and let it out girl! Either way, right now, you're just torturing yourself.
I ditto the others. I think he has a thing for you, too. And why shouldn't he? You're gorgeous and smart and fun-loving! I have a good feeling about this for you....Continue to be there for him and with him and listen to your heart.
Last edited by midwife; 05-03-2007 at 10:55 PM.
Reason: freakin' typo
you guys are awesome. i really needed this reassurance! i know to come to my girls here when i need advice!!
in answer to a few peoples questions...
yes - its a lot of gestures. he will always put an arm around me, or a kiss to the top of my head, offer an arm when we walk or just walk across the room away from his friends for a second to tell me im beautiful and go back to his friends. he is amazing.
he didnt introduce me to his son for a while. then it was a group setting and his place. after that, we all hang out together. put his son to bed, watch movies, and in the morning, he crawls into bed with us and its saturday morning cartoons.
i get all the right signals, but... i dunno.
i'll wait for him to come home and talk to him about it.
im petrified, but im so hopeful! he is great, his son so smart and such a good kid...
you guys are awesome. i really needed this reassurance! i know to come to my girls here when i need advice!!
.
Well, here is some advice from a GUY old enough to be your father. #1 Guys will say they don't have time for a relationship too, when they really WANT one...we don't like to be hurt either. #2 Guys can really~really want to honor a girls wishes of no whoop-ee but if given the chance we CAVE! Although at your age I believed that pre-marital sex was no big deal, I totally disagree now. Guys think they are IN LOVE sometimes when they are "gettin' some"...my advice to you would be to talk to him about your "future together" when he returns from being with his mom (at the right time of course)...if marraige IS NOT in the picture, I say go your sepearate ways, it isn't fair to his son, his son will learn to love you then WHAMMO! you end up leaving the picture for some reason or another. And my advice...stay away from the sex...if you both can do that AND still care for and love each other after a year or so then I am pretty sure you will have a great life together! Good luck to you both and prayers for his mom.
Man Advice...
) to which he responded in kind "yeah, i dont have time for one. ive got my son full-time, and the marine corps, etc.... but you're fun so lets still hang out." 
