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I am not sure where to post this, but I am in a downward spiral.(Rambling)

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Old 12-15-2009, 02:40 PM   #1
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Unhappy I am not sure where to post this, but I am in a downward spiral.(Rambling)

Ok, where to begin? Well I began this journey in june 2008, and from june-jan 2009 I went from 265lbs to 190ish. I mean I went from a tight size 22 to a loose-ish 12. (I think I was bigger than that when I was 10, and I am the same weight I was when I was 10). Anyhow, last Jan. I believe brought around the events that effectively stopped my weight loss. My grandmother, the matriarch of our family, passed away. And my brother, my only sibling, was having a very violent battle with heroin/alcohol. Those complications led to the deterioration of my relationship with my bf of 4 years.
In Feb. I was back in school, but my nerves were shot (and I am normally anxious)...I was jumpy and weepy all the time, and was losing my grip on my life. (also my best school friend dropped out, so I didn't have him around to help me). Although I continued to walk at least 3miles per day, and hit the gym at least 2X a week I could not lose weight. In march, the pain and abuse with my bf became to much, and even though he was my main source of company, I had to break it off. There was another guy also that I was/still am head over heels for, and that love is still unrequited and it is killing me.
Hoping that maybe this new guy would like me if I was thinner, I was running 5 miles at the gym 4-6 days a week. and keeping my calories low. During one emotional week I had gone from 190-182. I over ate one weekend (not binged) and for some reason gained it all back. Since march, I have been struggling with the low 190's and the high 180's. I was OP for a long time doing vigorous work outs with rare slip ups and never lost a pound.
Now I am not really working out, and I have frequent slip ups, and I am still in the low 190's. I really want to get back on plan, but whenever I consider getting as strict as all that I remember 4 months of me being as vigilant as I could with no results.
Emotionally I am defunct. Allow me to explain; I had wanted to move to Nashville to see if I could get a career in country music. I have had a passionate desire to do so for the past 6 years, so this fall I decided to leave school with my associate's and move to Nashville. I started out super excited about it, and now I am not even sure I want to go. It scares me, and nothing seems to excite me anymore.
I do not have a lot of support, or a full life here in New York City, but I do have a couple things. My mom, my best female friend, and the dude I am in love with that I mentioned earlier. I think the biggest part of my current problem has to do with him. We talk all the time. We see eachother sometimes. He makes me feel like I imagine drugs would...When I am around him my heart is racing, I feel like I am vibrating. He literally takes my breath away. He has a vague (very vague) idea of how I feel for him. I think that he thinks my desire is purely sexual. He has expressed to me that he does not have those feelings for me, but I can not help disbelieving that. I know that I have no choice but to believe him though. He has a record deal and he is also going to be away on tour.
I have always been depressed, but I think me being madly in love with someone and not being with him has put me over the top. Nothing gets me excited in this world besides him...not even the country music and the city that I was so passionate about. I have no grip on my life. I feel hopeless, like nothing will ever make me happy. And that I will likely die never knowing the kind of love that I find in the current object of my affections. I really have lost all my will. And all this has obliterated my ability to be committed to weight loss...and perhaps I am scared to be thin bc then I would not be able to say that he just isn't into because I am fat.

I know that this is probably the longest post ever. But can any of you offer me some words of wisdom or advice to get my life back? I am only 20 years old, and I am so lost.
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Old 12-16-2009, 01:57 PM   #2
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Reading your post made me think about a friend of mine from high school. I was madly in love with him. He and I became very close. We would go out all the time and talk late into the night. We even went away for a weekend together. He had an idea how I felt but did not return the feelings. I eventually ended up dating his good friend. Then I went to college and met my husband the day before we started school (12 years ago now! Wow-Crazy). Anyway, the best thing I did was move away to school. I kept in contact with this guy for a while (he even came out to visit) but eventually lost contact. When I wasn't around him all the time helped me see it was just infatuation and a deep friendship (not love).

We recently found each other again on facebook and it has been great to catch up. We are both happily married (to other people) and have great lives. I had to step away from him to focus on myself again. May be a good idea to try something new in a new environment.

Hope it gets better soon!
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Old 12-16-2009, 07:33 PM   #3
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Thank you for your reply. You make a good point that I need to be open to the possability that i may find something else that is even better. But it is just so hard to focus on the positive here when I am so caught up. I am trying my best to keep an open mind about my move to Nashville next month, but that is also hard because I will be alone in a strange city (my decision though). I think what it is about this guy is infatuation, but whatever feeling I have when I am with him is the only feeling I ever want to have in my life. I guess I have a lot of learning to do! Thanks for chatting with me Papillion Mom!
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:01 PM   #4
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I was in the same situation in high school, I had a male friend who I was just head over heels for! We went everywhere together, movies, dinner, shopping, concerts etc....he was my very best friend. I told him one time that he meant the world to me, and he told me he just didn't feel the same. I just always wanted to be with him, not in a sexual sense but I just loved him so much I thought I would explode. It turns out he's gay. Which is awesome, hes just wonderful! But could your feelings be like mine? I never wanted anything sexual but I just LOVED him so much, I was completely infatuated. I can't offer much advice, I'm 23 myself, lots of living and learning to do, but I can say that I've met a really wonderful man that I've been with for the past 3 yrs, and my highschool friend and I are still friends, I guess what I'm trying to say is life goes on, whatever will be, will be. Follow you dreams!
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:25 PM   #5
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You've done so well keeping off 70 pounds! That's fantastic and you should be proud of yourself for that. It sounds like you need to take a step back and create a new plan. Weight loss doesn't have to be tortuous! You need to find the right balance of healthy calories, food choices, and reasonable exercise for you. It is very possible to stall your weight loss by eating too little. Seems counter-intuitive, but it happens a lot, actually.

As to the depression, have you talked to anyone about it like a therapist? It can be very helpful when you find the right one.
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Old 12-19-2009, 05:01 PM   #6
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Everything seems to be torturing me lately; My weight, my sense of helplessness, hopelessness, school, my social standing, and having no idea what to do about any of these things. And I seem to have just lost my motivation, especially with excersize...Which I know would help my depression. I am thinking of buying Shuan T's Insanity DVDs.
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Old 12-22-2009, 12:22 AM   #7
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I would definitely agree that you should talk to someone. Therapy isn't a lifelong thing; in one year I went from being so depressed I would cry on a daily basis about how lonely I am to having friends and being able to control my anxiety without medications and without it affecting my life. My counselor didn't just have me lay on a couch and ask me "How did that make you feel?", she gave me reality checks and tools so I could live a much happier life.

I also think you should go to Nashville. It seems that you've built up this gray, foggy emotional environment, and still being in the environment could be keeping you down. It's always hard to start over, to find a reason to be happy in an unfamiliar place, but sometimes being taken from what's familiar to what's new can open the floodgates. I think you'll find a lot more of what you're looking for in life in Nashville as opposed to staying in New York.
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Old 12-30-2009, 01:45 AM   #8
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I am 38 years old and I can remember feeling exactly as lost as you describe in my 20s. It took me a long time, but I eventually realized that no one can make me happy--only I can make myself happy. Over time, I began to pull the layers off the onion and discovered what I truly enjoyed in life. For me, that is gardening in my garden, reading a really good book, snuggling with my children and doing good work for my clients (I am a lawyer).

This love interest of yours may make your cup feel full--but it is YOU that is filling it. It is YOUR emotions, YOUR investment in the relationship, and YOUR reflection that you see in him. You like the way he sees you, but it is really what you see about yourself when you are around him that is impacting you. You will meet many people like this in your life.

You have everything you need to be happy right inside you. And, it sounds like you know what your dream is--so I say, go for it. Move to Nashville--give it a good go. If it works out, great! If not, it will be an experience you will always remember and you will find your true life along the way.

If the relationship with this man is meant to be, it will be. Maybe now, maybe later, maybe never. Focus on yourself, and you find that this will attract people that are just right for you--even if you don't realize it immediately.

Over time, you will see that you are the mistress of your own destiny.

Happy travels!
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Old 12-31-2009, 04:10 PM   #9
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Believe your friend- he likes you as a friend and nothing more. If he did want more nothing would get in his way to be with you. A man will move mountains to be with someone he loves.

I think it's time to sit down and re-focus on YOU. Hold off on relationships for at least 6 months, a year would be better. And in that time, take care of yourself. Figure out what YOU want, and what can make you happier. And I also suggest getting some therapy so you can move forward.

We all go through these tough times, but we just have to remember to have the strength to pull ourselves out of these situations. It's going to be tough at first (I suggest cutting contact with this guy for now), but just take it one day at a time.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:40 PM   #10
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Well, this might not be what you want to hear but we all fall in love-- probably hundreds of times before we find "the one." As a person who is just 20, you have a few years to kick around. Unrequited love means it is one way. The guy dosen't love you. Stop getting sick over it. Calm down, focus on your health, and get off the hopeless men. Stop listening to whoever is feeding you trivia about how much you should suffer for love. People (those who want to love you) want a stable, steady, and happy person. No one will fall in love with a quivering mess. Work on the stable, steady and happy part.
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Old 01-01-2010, 01:52 AM   #11
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Unrequited love/feelings for someone is one of the worst experiences in the world. It just really takes time and positive thinking to move on from it. Honestly, that would be my advice: move on from it(which I know is 5 billion times harder than it sounds). I would also second what some ladies say here, which is to go see a therapist about your emotions and feelings of depression. One thing that has worked for me is I need to stop tying my self-worth into my weight. Once you get happy and healthy(mentally), you will find a great guy who will love you for who you are. I know it sounds cliché and Pollyanna-ish, but I really do believe in the power of positive thinking.

I am 20 also, so if you need to talk to someone around your age, feel free to PM me or head on over the the 20-somethings board. All the posters here are great, but sometimes it's easier to talk to people in your age group. Good luck and I am sending you happy thoughts!
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Old 01-04-2010, 01:51 PM   #12
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Thank you guys for all your input...of course you are right about me needing to move on. My mom is the ones who always tells me that if a guy wants to be with me he'll make it happen (but I am already like 50% over it)...I just need to stay away from him physically (I'll prolly never see this guy again, and I think I'm ok with this). I have been to therapy before, (at the request of my mother) and all it did is piss me off...If only my friends could offer me the same kind of sage advice I give them lol...I think the self worth part is what hits the nail on the head; I deserve People who treat me as nice as I treat them, and I deserve healthy nutritious food (not the other way around where you say "I deserve this fast food bc it's easy and full of happy chemicals"). So, I just wanted to let you know that I am well on my way to recovery, and I wanted to thank you all for your input!!!!
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