Linoleum- I just want to hug you girl. Welcome. I could see myself in almost every line. I am too fat to have an eating disorder too. That was wonderful.
Linoleum, Thanks so much for sharing your story and welcome!!! I too am too fat to have an ED. So glad you moved from a lurker to a speaker. Its great to have you.
Wow...you are all so very brave and I want to give you all a huge hug!
Thanks for posting and helping me feel less weird! I totally am with you, Linoleum, on what you said regarding your binges...that's exactly how I feel when I do them, too.
There are a bunch of stories at this site, so we know we are not alone. I direct linked to this one, because though our stories are different I feel the same if that makes sense.
This isn’t going to be my whole story, by any means. But it is something that I’ve never told anyone before and I need to put it aside. I’ve come to realize that hanging onto it is making it my truth and I don’t want it to be anymore. I guess that sounds freaky or corny…
My whole ED is about self-hatred. My past doesn’t have men who mistreated me or problems with drug/alcohol abuse. Other than a terrible relationship with my mother, there’s no *reason* for me to be a compulsive overeater! Food is my way of punishing myself for being all of the terrible things I convince myself I am.
Okay…the story.
Two years ago on a parent-teacher conference night I finished up about 20 minutes early. I was sitting at a table at the back of my classroom sorting through notes and straightening things up. The conferences had gone well and I was feeling pretty good about myself, my job, life in general.
I became aware of some people talking outside my classroom door. I didn’t think anything of it as the building had been filled with parents and children for hours. Since I wasn’t busy with a conference of my own, I could hear what they were saying.
“Eww! That is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen!” “Wonder what it’s doing?” etc.
Without thinking, I glanced up from my work to look out the window in my door.
“Oh God! It’s looking at me!” “No wonder they keep it behind bars.” This was followed by laughter and slaps on the back.
I realized to my complete and utter humiliation that they were looking into my room and talking about me. I lowered my eyes as quickly as I could and pretended to be working again. My face was flushed with embarrassment and I had to swallow several times to get the lump out of my throat. Tears stung my eyes and I prayed “please, Lord, don’t let me cry.” I felt literally sick.
It was so hard to get myself together to be able to walk out of the school like a professional woman rather than a hurt child. I couldn’t tell anyone about it because I was too horrified.
I’ve kept it to myself and taken it out once in awhile to try on like a piece of clothing. I can wrap myself in that memory and it fits. Those people – who I didn’t even know…had never even seen before – judged me and found me lacking. And because their insults fit with my perception of myself, I took them to be true and accurate.
I want to believe that I am more than strangers’ assessment of my physical appearance, but when it meshes so completely with what I already feel then it’s hard to dismiss as just asinine comments from some anonymous @#$holes. Does that make any sense at all?
Anyway, I share this not looking for pity. I just want to put it out there away from me to let it go. Kind of like when Chris says she’s tying things to those balloon strings. Only this I’m giving cement shoes to sink into some murky depths somewhere. It certainly doesn’t deserve to go heavenward!
Thanks for listening. I really do feel a little better now!
I t always amazes me how much other people's opinions matter. It's like when I was a teenager and went to brake up with a boy. And then he said that it was fine, he was about to break up with me anyway. Then suddenly, I was hurt and offended. But I was about to break up with him, but it didn't matter...we are always looking for approval.
How very brave of you to share your story. I hope it frees your spirit. I wish other people could only see our beautiful souls. (((HUGS)))
ElizaBecca, were those ADULTS who said those things? Obnoxious kids?
It's hurtful regardless. I was just curious.
What age group do YOU teach?
You're right--I think those comments caught you in a bad moment where you were in a place to believe them. I'm sorry that you had that experience. This might be an opportunity to vow that as you work with your OWN students, that you'll help them on the path to becoming compassionate adults. Someday...when it's less tender, and depending on the age group you teach, that experience might even be something you can share with a kid who is hurting. It's those kind of connections, sharing who you really are, that can really have an impact on a kid's life.
One day, one of my high school kids was doing some make-up work after hours. She was definitely a kid at risk (had an abusive adult boyfriend--mind you, she's 14; had some history of cutting herself; drugs, etc). She mentioned something about bulimia or anorexia, and--because the time felt right, I shared with her that I had been bulimic at times in my adult life. That startled her, I could tell, and after that there was a tiny little special bond we had. She started coming after school more often to do extra work and ended up pulling her grade up from D to nearly an A by the end of the term.
I'm new here, but I can already tell that this is a wonderful group of people with a lot to share. I'm glad I found you guys, and I'm glad that you felt safe enough to share that story.
Of course, ElizaBecca, the SHORT response to your post (and to those awful people outside your door) is "my gosh, what a bunch of ignorant schmucks!" But I didn't want you guys to think I was rude.
Christy, I so know what you mean. And if I can't destroy myself, I will definitely destroy your peception of me. We just got to replace those tapes with the, I am not allowed to judge me, only God is. And I know we all are doing the best we can today. God I just want to hug you girlie.
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. I actually came back here twice yesterday with the intention of deleting my post because I was ashamed. Then I realized that feeling shame was giving that one minute episode in my life the power to hurt me again and again. So I left my story and, honestly, I feel better for it. (Of course, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “oh gawd! These people will think I’m a hideous troll now!” I’m not. I actually have nice eyes and gorgeous hair. LOL)
Welcome to our group, LLS! (The people outside my door were young adults. I teach elementary school.)
Well...i'm not exactly sure where to start. My story is nothing like yours...i'm not sure why all of this started, or really how...all i know was that up until 3 days ago i was digging myself into a 6ft. hole...and was probably half was under. So with any hope i can climb back out...after all, 3ft still leaves 2 ft, 4 inches above ground!
I actually started coming to this site at 15 when i weighed 161 lbs. At 5'2-3" i was a bit on the heavy side compared to most 15 year olds, but not FAT by most opinions. Still...I am the brain of my family, oldest child, treasured by mommy and daddy (for the most part), a little on the bratty side, friendly, varsity athlete...and probably a little depressed. I am one of those people who really has no reason to dislike themself, but for some reason I have. My brother and sister are younger than i am...so at 13 and 10 there weren't always the nicest kids...and that was just when this started, but the tormenting had gone on for about 5 years previously. Dad is the type that thinks if you have a problem you should either fix it, or not complain. Well, i was about 35 lbs. overweight and when i would mention being overweight, instead of saying "no honey you're beautiful" it was more like "well do something about it"! I spent a lot of time blaming them for things, but really i am the one that did this to myself. Through it all have felt extremely guilty because most of the pain that i have always felt has been released on my mother, who has never deserved it, but as the one person who has always seemed to understand me, she has also been the one who has stood by me.
SO NOW TO THE POINT
At 15 I had finally gained control over my weight, and was down to 136...a loss of 25 lbs in about 7 months...very healthy weight loss brought on by ditching mindless snacking, cutting down on junk and exercising more often. I had come home from a swim meet and was lying in bed eating a piece of cake. Not a big deal, just a simple plain piece of yellow box cake. All of a sudden i feel a pulse in my esophagus, and up comes some of the cake...and it happened a few more times. I couldn't explain it! I told my mom about it, not sure what to do. We kind of wrote it off as exhaustion, but it continued to happen, on a small scale. Well....the weight began to come off after this. I could spend hours in front of the toilet spitting, and spitting, and spitting. It was torture, but i wasn't fat, and i wasn't having to work very hard! By my 16th birthday i was down to about 120-125...just a month later. My parents took me to specialists and they couldn't come up with anything...they called it bulimia and blamed it on me. Fast forward to my senior year....i managed to get my problem under control after a while, and was "spit Free" for months. Then one day it just came back...only this time i was doing it to myself. I had learned how to make my food come back. Still never forcing myself to vomit. I maintained a weight of about 125, but the stress of my senior year caused things to flair up again. I gained about 15 lbs back and was somewhere between 135-140 when i graduated. I was about to start college and was nervous...i thought i had an image to portray...so it began again. I got to about 130 when i left for school. Still thinking i looked horrible, and by this time i was completely out of control. My first semester was a disaster. I binged and purged all night. I was about 145 at mid-term, but by the end of semester had slipped down to about 120. My dorm new about me...they made an issue...i left without saying much, and didn't come back. After that i spent the next year and a half spiraling downward while trying desperately to get my self worth back up. I have a wonderful "clueless" boyfriend. I am terrified to tell him about all of this...but he is one of my main motivators for recovery. I currently weigh about 100-105 lbs...i finally realized that i look horrible. I am skinny!!! I went and tried on pants in a size 0, and literally have no behind to fill them out...now what do you do when you can't fit in a size 0?? So i have put myself on a somewhat strict diet "calorically". I can barely digest food, so i eat small portions of food, about every 3 hours 4-5 times a day. I am basically working on sticking to where i am for now, and will gradually work back up as my insides are able to catch back up. So on and off for nearly 5 years i have struggled, and i have finally decided for my boyfriend and our future together, for my mother, and for myself to get my life back on track. I will be taking 12 hours at my university this semester which is great. I have been at a local community college up until now. I have an apartment, am in a sorority, and feel incredible confident in myself.
Wish me luck and thanks for listening...i just wanted to get that out!
Kmarie
3days binge free, purge free!!! for the first time in almost 2 years!
Please find some help, don't blame yourself, and remember that you are beautiful, loved, and so not alone in this. All mthe things you said about bucking up and shutting up thats in my family too, it breeds black and white thinking, all or nothing, and that is prevalent in ED. Another big hug girl and come back, tell us how your doing, and feel free to join our weekly thread based on recovery.
We're glad you're here.
Welcome LLS!
