So I realized at some point last week that I have a legit addiction and problem with food. First of all I am morbidly obese. Morbidly being the key word.
I realized lately that I always fail at exercise/diet after a couples months at best. Even if I am seeing results. I up until this point have always given excuses or been secretly upset at myself for my weak will. I suspect I fail only because I can't cope with my feelings. So, I eat them. In all forms. I'm not like...binging and shoving food in my mouth all day but if my day has been stressful I will eat past the point of fullness, in secret, or search for a sugar/chocolate fix to drug myself. I am drugging myself with the spikes in sugar/caffeine in my body found in certain food or making myself numb/uncomfy from eating too much.
As far as cause I'm assuming that in short it's that I was punished and never allowed to have any sort of feeling as a child/young adult and had certain traumatic events happen at the same times. So, it's not like I want to be angry/sad/anxious but when I am I have zero idea of how to quell that. I know the steps from prior therapy or looking it up but if I am anxious or angry and i tell myself to step away and meditate or take deep breaths that is no help. Truth? I think it doesn't work. I can't separate from an emotion for a minute in order to stop it entirely. I already know logically it's an inaccurate way to deal with it but I still feel it all internally after whatever event has happened that upset me. Not that I go around yelling or punch at walls by the way! At best I at times get snappy or cry a bit but I'm not outwardly very emotional and I'm a positive, nice person. I don't think I know how to truly forgive. I forgive enough to get on with my own life and not be unhappy but if something reminds me of the incident I am as mad/sad or more as the day it happened. I don't get that and I wish it didn't tangle itself up with food of all things.
I am using food to meet needs food cannot possibly meet. That is recipe for disaster. I want to get my emotions away from my food, asap. I don't want to die from cancer in years to come from eating fattening stuff or get diabetes from the sugar or something. I don't even care when I eat healthy food...I don't like it much but I don't hate it and it helps me meet my goal. I think I like that it doesn't illicit a comfort/soothing response because I have never binged on healthy stuff because I think it's either gross or see it simply as good fuel for my body. The problem is that I get so upset and emotionally messy with my inability to cope due to my week/months of dieting(which = not dealing with emotions at all) that I obviously stop it. So, I need to deal with how to fix me and my inability to cope before health/exercise will stick for the long term. Right now, I am doing it on determination alone but it's only been a week and I'm already so frustrated and blah with stuff. I think I clearly need therapy to get more skills or work through things or whatever.
I am too embarrassed of my size to enjoy my life properly. It will not change unless I eat healthy, exercise, and see a therapist. I didn't realize the "therapy" component until just recently. Does anyone else feel the same way? Did therapy help? What helps? Anyone relate? I am tired of failing.
butterfly - biggest hugs... oh my goodness, like so many other posts i have read, i could have written this myself a few years ago... i truly believe in therapy as a place to safely and objectively vent... i have been in therapy for a very long time and feel like i might actually be coming out of the haze and making better decisions...more logical decisions
the fact that you are recognizing these things about yourself and that you are fed-up with the cycle is the first, and hardest, step!!!
my story is a long one...and it is not 'over' yet! i would be happy to answer any questions you might have... or just be there to listen... most importantly know that you are not alone!!!
Food was my drug of choice too. Like all drugs, the relief is temporary and in the end the effects of the drug adds to the original problem. Breaking the pattern of using food as a drug has a double edged sword to it. On one side, you need to develop distance between the emotion and the food, on the other, you need to connect the dots that led to the need. This is where therapy can really help.
There are all kinds of ways to come to terms with excessive eating. It will depend on your particular need and what you sense is the right answer. For some, therapy does help. Others find a structured diet helps. Some work on stress relief techniques. Exercise, for some give relief. There are all kinds of techniques that work, and if you think of dieting and weight loss as a multi-task job you need to do, you can come up with your own tool box. For instance, my tool box has these techniques (among others):
Structured, calorie/carb counting plan
Sticking to 3 meals a day, no snacks
Meditation
Using photographs to "see" my loss on my body
Taking photo's of my weigh-ins
Stringing a pearl onto a necklace for each pound lost
Pre-planning restaurant/holiday meals when I can
Eating all my meals at a table and off china and using silverware (no eating at the computer, in bed, in front of the TV or out of bags or containers)
Wow, thank you both so much. I really appreciate your kind responses and helpful advice. I think I will start therapy as soon as possible because at the very least it definitely can't hurt.
I'm now almost two weeks into dieting and I haven't given in(including Thanksgiving). I have to make myself commit this time because I can't forever be unhappy in a body bigger than I feel like represents me best.
*hugs* I know how you feel. I have read a lot of books, tried plenty of things... But in the end, I think just having someone to talk to about your feelings can go a long way.
i've been in therapy for a little over three years. it took me over a year to talk to my therapist about my eating issues. i was embarrassed; it brought shame. since then, its been a long road and i have plenty of other issues, but it's always helped me be more AWARE of what i'm doing, understanding why i'm feeding myself and no resolving the real problem. also, the way i take care of my body reflects how i've taken care of myself on all levels- i always put my needs to the side for the sake of others, i put things off, i NEVER make myself a priority. therapy has provided me with more insight, and most importantly, a place to explore that insight.
kudos for therapy!
good luck to you hun
Dietarily - cutting the caffeine helps me a lot. Caffeine increases the body's cortisol, which increases belly fat. Avoiding caffeine like the plague eases my stress levels and my hunger.
I really related to your post. I could have written so many of the things you wrote. Sometimes I think food is my best friend and then it feels like my worst enemy! Is it possible to be addicted to eating??? It's like I just can't stop. I think I have promised myself every morning for the past two mo ths that today I will really change and not just eat everything that's not tied down, and then by mid afternoon I've given in. Sometimes I feel really hopeless. Is there any way out of this madness
I read this really good book called 'Beyond Chocolate' a few weeks ago (you'll find it on Amazon). A friend told me about it and it had lots of amazing reviews on Amazon so I bought it. I found it really interesting because the women who wrote it talk about their experiences of binging and using food for comfort and all that kind of thing and their system makes a lot of sense. I'm trying some of the things they suggest but not sure how it will pan out. Watch this space! I think the author is a therapist who works specifically with food issues so maybe she'd be someone to go and see. I saw a therapist once who just didn't get it and told me I needed to have more willpower and just stick to a diet! Doh! I didn't go to talk about this stuff but I did end up talking about being overweight and how miserable it makes me feel but she didn't have any idea really.
Anyway, whatever you do, be kind to yourself. This stuff isn;t easy to deal with and it takes time to work through.
Therapy or Insight into Binge Eating?
