I had a long thread previously on "How do you get Adult kids to move Out". Well , I finally got that figured out. My son and his GF moved into their own apartment this past Thursday. He was away at Military (Army) training and we helped her get everything moved. They had been waiting about 6 weeks for this apartment at a Golf Course to become available. We really didnt' like them living together under our roof. I gave a gentle nudge to get them to take some responsibility for finding a place of their own. They seemed totally thrilled to get their own place.
Forward to last night. My son came by while I was sleeping. He left me a long, heartfelt note about he just isn't ready to be living with Amy (GF). He says that he feels "tied down" and simply can't handle it. He is 20 yrs. old and she is 18. My heart goes out to them both. I have no idea what to say. I feel like he should have done something before now, of course. At least their are no children involved. In the note he said he will be staying with his friend (Jeremy) until this is all settled.
Amy just graduated high school in May and 2 months prior to graduation, she was moving stuff in here at my house every weekend. I feel like that because of her horrible home situation (Mom died when she was 6yr. old and Dad is an alcoholic) that my son felt sorry for her.Her 2 teenage brothers have already been in all kinds of trouble with drugs and guns. He wanted her out of that situation. I think he is now learning what a mistake it is try to rescue someone.
I had my doubts as to whether their situation would last, but I certainly didn't expect it to happen 4 days after they moved out together.
She just called me crying while I was typing this. I don't know what to say. I feel it is his responsibility to solve this difficult situation. I did tell her that he is OK and is with Jeremy. He is probably asleep, he worked til 4AM.
What do I do now? My intention is to stay out of it. Let him know that he can stay here til everything is settled or stay with his friend. I simply can't force him to go back if he's not ready for this type of permanent situation. Any ideas, thoughts, would be appreciated. He has made the comment before that "I feel too sorry for her to leave her". and "I would like to pack her up and take her back to her dad, but I don't have the heart to do it". He is a caring person, but I feel he bit off more than he could chew.
Lily its sad that this whole situation took place .. but like you i have a son moving back in after some bad choices .. durin the time of the indecision and not knowing what was goin on .. we let him know we were here for him but he needed to resolve what he was going to do and choose his path. We counseled, we talked, and at times we prolly said things he didn't want to hear but that he knew already cause he agreed as well .. its hard to hear that ya made a mistake .. and even harder to get thru it and try to fix it .. As a parent its harder to sit back and let them make the mistakes .. but i think down the line this is a good experience for him .. if they lived at home with you than he may of not come to this conclusion that he just isn't ready for this responsability and luggage and it sounds like the girl has alot ... but i would try to express to him that he can't build a relationship on pity for a bad situation even tho his heart is in the right place... he has a good heart and you should be proud of that... the best advice i can give is to just let him know you will be there for him ... i wouldn't jump up and tell him just move back in and it will all be ok .. cause he needs to find his way through this without hiding *not saying that is what he would do- please don't take that wrong* but i would do as you are doing and tell her she would just have to talk to him and be patient .. he will figure out what to do and whats best for him .. as long as he knows he has the support to do that. hugssss - am sorry for the emotional roller coaster that you are goin through as a Mom .. unfortunately there is rarely any respite from that ride
That is really a tough one, Lily. It's probably good that he is staying with a friend then maybe they can iron this out without bringing you into it. Do you feel sorry for the girl, too? Without actually being in the situation it is hard to know how to advise. My kids know we wouldn't allow there bf/gf to live here so that is one thing we wouldn't even discuss. But my 29 yr old son lived with his gf and they finally married and have 2 kids. And my oldest daughter lived with her husband a short while before marriage. That's the only 2 experiences we've had and they knew we weren't happy about it. The girl you're dealing with sounds very irresponsible. My sister-in-law is in a similar situation. I haven't heard from her lately but the girl was driving her nuts......couldn't hold down a job, has a baby and is pg again, won't help around the house........that kind of stuff. And her son has a really hard time holding down a job, too. Has been in jail a few times but is doing better now. He knows the next time he messes up it will be the state pen. Takes a lot of patience.
Did they sign a lease? Is the landlord willing to let them out of it? I would be tempted to tell him, "You don't have to go home (new apt), but you can't stay here."
The reason I say that, is he might be having legitimate second thoughts about the girlfriend, but he may also be homesick for mom and dad. If he had moved in with her from his own apartment rather than your home, he would have to figure it out on his own (and stay there while they worked out the details or stay with friends).
I'd listen to them both, but basically stay out of it, and let them figure it out for themselves.
But then again, I may have a master's degree in psychology, but I've never had kids, so my experience is mostly "theoretical." Take it for what it is, just my opinion.
Thanks for the responses. Her sister just now called me and is very worried about Amy. She lives in Virginia and wants to help any way possible. She wants me to talk to Shane about being honest with Amy. Have him let her know that he isn't ready for this type of relationship. I do feel that he needs to be truthful with her. He has never told her "woah, slow down, things are moving too fast". I don't want him to feel he has to stay out of pity or obligation. She will be hurt , of course. But, in the long run this type of relationship never lasts.
Yes, they signed a 1 yr. lease. I don't think either of them can totally afford the apartment by themself. Maybe, but it would be very tight financially for either. I am hoping that if they stay apart then he could maybe have a roommate or if she keeps the apartment , she could do the same.
Kaplods, I don't think he is homesick for us. He has been away several times for the military and isn't home very often. I mainly think he got scared and panicked. Thinking "this is it, I am as good as married and I'm not ready". I am very glad there are no children involved.
I feel so put in the middle. He is my son and I am worried of the hurt he is going through right now. I also know how bad she is hurting, she has already called 3 times crying her eyes out. Now her sister is calling. I want so bad to be able to tell everyone to leave me out of it. I will be here as a shoulder for him to fall back on and support him emotionally all that is possible. I know that her sister will be there for her. I just know that with your own kids their is no age where you stop worrying about them. It doesn't turn off when they hit 18. I'm more worried about him now than ever.
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Hi Lillybelle,
I think one of them getting a roommate is a great solution. Hopefully she has some close girlfriends to support her emotionally, her sister is there for her emotionally as well. Maybe she could relocate to VA with her sister and go to college, make a "fresh start." I know her heart is broken right now, but her boyfriend's mother is not the one she should be crying to. Poor you!
Coming from the same type of household (my father died when I was 14 and my mom was and still is an alcoholic), I feel sorry for her. I spent most of my high school years living with my best friend and we got an apartment after graduation. It's hard not to have a family support system. At the same time, both these kids are too young to be so serious. And she has to learn to take care of herself. It's a hard lesson to learn, but she'll be better off in the long run.
Your son is learning an important lesson too. Better now than marriage and kids later! It sounds like he is a kind and caring person though, and that's a good thing. I would encourage him to tell her the truth. She's already at the bottom of the barrel, so better to just get it all out in the open.
Good luck. I know it must be hard to be supportive and stay out of it at the same time! I feel for you!
I haven't gone through anything like this as a parent, but I would say that yes, Amy needs to get emotional support from someone other than you.
There are transitional housing programs available all over the country to help women/men with and without children get into stable living environments. Sure, it's not ideal and it wouldn't be as "fun" as playing house with your son, but it would be the best thing she could do for herself is figure out a way to be independent. That will make her a much more viable mate in the future.
As far as Son goes, if you do decide to let him move home, it might be a good idea to make sure he does so with a sound gameplan.
I'm sorry to see you caught in the middle of all this, Lillybelle. You're a very caring person.
My husband is planning on having a long man to man talk with my son today. He has been through this type of thing. His first wife was from a horrible family situation, she got pregnant in high school. My DH married her out of a feeling of obligation. They had only dated a month. He regretted it within 6 months but stuck it out for several years. He was 17 yrs. old at the time. It took him 15 yrs. and 4 kids, before he left. He had offers to be a professional baseball player and felt that he totally gave up his chances. He had to live with those decisions. His mother always hated the ex-wife for "screwing up his life and ruining his opportunities". I think he will be a great person to help my son find the strength to get out of this bad situation.
As for Amy, I feel horrible for what she is going through and the whole situation with her screwed up childhood. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. But, 2 wrongs don't make a right. She is so needy. She needs someone that wants to be with her 24/7 and never leave her side. He simply isn't ready for this. I don't want him to go back because of a sense of obligation. If he's not there for the right reason, he shouldn't be there.
the longer he stays the harder it will be to leave her, in the end I am sure everything will work out. Perhaps Amy should consider moving closer to her sister, it sounds like she really cares about her and she needs that.
She just called again crying, 4 times now. I am stressed out and wanting to eat like a pig. So, I am now turning phone off and going to take a nap. At least it will keep me out of the kitchen.
Lily, I have a slightly different opinion than others. I agree that you feel ypu should stay out of "their" business! But let me tell you that sometimes family members can be the best counsellers! I think you should talk to her face-to-face and tell her that you understand her as a friend.But make it clear that you wont ask anyone to do anything.
Has your son told her how he feels? is he not picking up her calls? if thats true, then thats not right also! ask him to talk to her and tell her whats going on! Because why would she keep calling you 4 times?
I would arrange a meeting next time she called!
Lily,
If I were you, would stay out of it the best you can. This is your son's mess... he needs to learn how to deal with his own relationship issues.
Just be supportive of his decision with her - but don't let his relationship (or lack thereof) be an excuse to move back home either... This is life, and no doubt (and I'm sure you know) he will have to deal with much more difficult situations in the future. I say it is best to let him get a handle on dealing with, well, life.
I think it is good that he is comfortable letting you know these things, just as long as he doesn't expect you to resolve it. Be supportive. Also, I think I wouldn't answer the gf's calls more than once a day - if that. She also needs to learn to deal with life as well. Sh** happens... everyday, to all of us. If they want to be adults, then they need to be adults.
I haven't talked to my son. He hasn't answered her calls and hasn't came by to let me know what is going on except the note he left while I was asleep. I haven't told her about it. It's not my responsibility to break up with his GF for him. I know she is distraught, I really feel for her. I am now to the point of being very p@@sed at him, for putting me in the middle of this crap. She just left here a minute ago to talk with his buddies GF, I'm sure she will find out what is going on. I would much rather it had came from him. I feel he is ditching his responsibility. Yes, I don't want him to stay if that's not what he wants but I think he should have been the one to have to tell her.
It is a pretty tough situation, and no matter what you shouldn't be in the middle. It definitely is his job, not yours or his friends to tell her what's going on. Yikes, any chance you can get away for the weekend (just kidding - sort of).
She was here tonite and we had a good long talk. I haven't seen or heard from him. I think she left here a little less upset. We even played a game of cards to help take her mind off her worries. I have left message with his buddies GF that I need to see him tomorrow. I hope he comes over. I don't ever want him to feel that he can't talk to me about his problems. But, I do intend to let him know that he needs to talk to her and let her know exactly how he feels. Running from problems never helps the situation.
All is not well in paradise
