[HungryMonkey]

I'm watching yesterday's Oprah (got to love TiVo) and wondering if anyone else caught it? There's a 3-year old obsessed with being & feeling beautiful as well as a 4-year old terrified of "getting fat." I'm shocked by these feelings in such young children and their mom's initial denial of responsibility.

Both girl's mothers began by saying they had learned from other pre-schoolers, TV & magazines - but not themselves. Of course the 3-year old's mom grew up feeling ugly and invalidated while the 4-year old's mother battled anorexia. The show psychologist said that these feelings were passed on to their children starting at the birth canal! How terrifying is that? How do we avoid passing on our insecurities to our kids? I don't have any yet, but I hate the thought of my daughter obsessing over her looks and loathing herself.

Did anyone else see this episode? Thoughts, anyone?

[Less of Lena]

Yes, I saw it and was just as astounded at the moms as you were. Talk about having one's head in the sand!!! I can't believe they actually tried to blame other pre-schoolers. Sad.

I was also astounded that a parent would let her 3 year old browse through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. That aside, I don't think most 3-year-old girls would look at that catalogue and aspire to be those women. 3-year-olds just don't think that far in advance. They might think "gee, she's pretty" but I think much more than that is too abstract for them.

Those two girls are undoubtedly getting the message from mom. And that message ("looks are the sole measure of worthiness") is then reinforced by society in general. Very discouraging.

How do we break the cycle of passing on insecurities? Tough question. I know when my own DS was little, I tried to point out people's wonderful non-physical attributes ("She has a great laugh, doesn't she?" "I love how passionate he is about his singing!"). Yes, I routinely used words like "passionate" with my 3-year-old -- expanded his vocab whenever I could!

[MtaTJac]

I didn't catch this, but I did know a woman who's 3 year old was OBSESSED with beauty. The mother was about 200 pounds overweight, and used her daughter to make up for the life she was not living. She entered this girl in countless beauty pagents and would starve her for the few days leading up to them so she didn't have a belly pouch in the bathing suit competition. Needless to say, she was reported to CPS by those of us who worked with her when we found this out, and the child is not with her and is hopefully getting a MUCH better chance at life.

[GreatBigMonsterMomma]

This is one of my issues, actually.

I do not question that the media and society have some influence over a woman's self esteem, but our own family and mothers are a thousand times more important.

It always irritates me when mothers fixate on external causes for their daughters' body image issues. Like, Barbie is constantly attacked for her unrealistic standards of beauty. Y'know, I always had a huge collection of Barbies as a kid, and never once thought I should look like an 11.5" plastic doll. Nor did anyone else I know.

Ninety-nine percent of your self-image comes from your immediate family. I have two female cousins, raised by my mom's sister. The differences... My mother never made a single negative comment about herself or her appearance in my hearing. My aunt has always been obsessed with losing weight. (My aunt is generally smaller than my mother, too, and I swear to you that woman's breasts don't sag even at fifty-eight--after 5 kids!) So my cousins have always been concerned with how much they weighed. My cousin Becky...she almost cried when she stopped being a size 0! And it has never occurred to me to not like myself. Never.

I remember when my eldest was a newborn, reading a blog written by one of my favorite authors, where she talked about seeing her then-two-year-old looking at her thighs in the mirror and frowning. She said she realized Trinity had picked that up from her, that whether she weighed 140 or 104 she always frowned at her thighs, always thought they were too big. And her toddler picked it up.

So I'm careful to model good things for my daughters. I don't ignore looks like a lot of folks say you should, because I don't think that's really realistic. Looks are too important in society. But as soon as they start noticing their reflection in mirrors--even before they realize they're the other baby they see--I start telling them how pretty they are. The two most common phrases in this house are "Go look at yourself in the mirror and see how pretty you are" and "Go show daddy how pretty you are." (He's always sure to tell them they're pretty, and he points them to me too.) I do call my chubby girl chubby and my skinny girl skinny, but I am very careful to cast it in a positive light either way. (I had a skinny friend who was always trying to gain weight, so if Bobbie stays a stick I want her to know it's OK.) And it seems to be working. I know that Bobbie is more than willing to use anything as a mirror. That girl will stop in the middle of the sidewalk to admire her reflection in a window.

Now, to be honest, I didn't see this show, so I can't comment on it directly. I don't like Oprah; I've tried watching her show a couple of times and been bored silly. But I do have to weigh in that I find it interesting that Oprah, of all people, should be talking about anyone being obsessed with weight and beauty!

[Less of Lena]

I think it's vitally important to emphasize personality to our children, not just physical beauty. Physically, you are what you are. For the most part, a person doesn't actually "do" anything to look the way they do. S/he is born with basically the way they're going to look for life. Looks can be tweaked, for sure, but the basics are there at birth. S/he didn't work hard to earn those freckles or that unibrow or those apple cheeks. It's what they were born with, for better or worse.

Personality is something the child can work on. Having a great laugh. Being a compassionate friend. Learning to present themselves well. Being fun to be around. Those are the things I wish we'd value, rather than "You're so pretty!"

[almostheaven]

Originally Posted by MtaTJac

She entered this girl in countless beauty pagents and would starve her for the few days leading up to them so she didn't have a belly pouch in the bathing suit competition. Needless to say, she was reported to CPS by those of us who worked with her when we found this out, and the child is not with her and is hopefully getting a MUCH better chance at life.

I entered my daughter into a local beauty pagent when she was 3. I was shocked. Most of the women there had their daughters in $300 - $500 dresses. One girl travels to beauty pagents. Her mom has black and white professional photos made of her. I just wonder what kind of life these kids have. I was doing it for fun, but these people are so danged serious about it they forget that their kids are just KIDS.

[Cindy219]

When i was younger my parents called me chubby, not in a bad way, just in a cutsie way but it still hurt my feelings and made me self conscious bc no matter how they said it or skewed it or no matter how well intended, other people view chubby as negative. And once i remember one of my friends heard my dad call me that, and the teasing i got....not fun. Just my perspective.

[anyothername]

Young children do pick up on their parents attitudes. I think instead of ignoring the topic of phsyical beauty, kids be taught to see that there is something beautiful about everyone, and reassurance that they are pretty too.

I had a roommate who as a little girl wasn't allowed to leave the house without make up by the time she started elementary school (not just like lip gloss, but lip stick, foundstation, blush, mascrea, eye shadow), she always had to wear jewelry, her hair always had to be curled. Needless the say, the girl had serious image issues. I'm really low maintainace, and she didn't get how i could leave for school in the morning in sweats and a tee shirt, my hair back in a messy pony tail and be at all okay. That is definete over emphasis on looks. She thought she could not be respected as a woman if she didn't make herself up, and spend hours in front of the mirror.

Eating issues start at a young age, so it is critical not to pick on a child about being a bit chubby. Chances are with healthy eating a life style, the chubbier kid and the skinnier kid will both be healthy adults/

[healthyme05]

I don't think I even cared about looks when I was 3...it really didn't start until middle school? And even then caring about looks wasn't an obsession. I can't imagine kids stressing over something like that....especially at such a young age. 3? I barely remember being 3! Much less yesterday!

[Ready2ShedLBS]

I dont say anything negative about myself out loud. But I DOO.. look at my butt in the mirror when I am getting ready.. and I notice my two year old daughter does the same thing. Im really just wondering how my butt looks in my jeans... I dont say anything negative though. So hopefully Im not setting her up for anything.

[fidget555]

I work with children daily and this upsets me soooooo bad. I had a student last year that was going to meet her teachers for next year and I heard her tell her dad that she only wanted a pretty teacher. (She was dead serious) I think her dad should have given her a talk right then and there...but go figure....he didn't.

[almostheaven]

I found this interesting in reading through my April issue of First for Women under Psychology Smarts:

Q: A month ago my daughter, Anna, came home crying because a girl in her class saw her eating cookies at lunch and called her an "oinker." I figured the incident would blow over, but now Anna is counting calories at every meal and has even put herself on a diet. Anna has always been a healthy weight and confident about her body. How can I get her back to a more realistic mind-set?

A: With super-slim teen starlets like the Olsen twins in the spotlight, young girls are bombarded by images of how they are "supposed to look." Add the stress of competing for peer acceptance, and girls feel so much pressure to be thin that the mere thought of gaining weight can trigger a fear of being judged by others.

The key to dealing with Anna's insecurity is to help her see the big picture. First, put the name-calling incident in perspective by explaining that the bully was just trying to get attention. Then make sure Anna knows the difference between eating healthfully and cutting calories. Say, "Honey, you look great and don't need to diet. Wanting to eat right is one thing, but depriving yourself of food will only slow your metabolism." Then reassure her that a few treats won't affect her weight. Once she sees that her fears are unfounded, she'll ditch the "diet" in no time.