Couple of (satire) baseball news stories
The 14 Expos fans not sure how to feel about the success of the Nationals
As the Washington Nationals continue to stay in the playoff hunt in their first season since leaving Montreal, the team’s 14 fans in their former hometown are conflicted on how to deal with it.
“When the Expos were here we were diehards – all dozen or so of us,” said Richard Dionne, a former Expos season ticket holder who still meets regularly with all of his fellow season ticket holders in the living room of his tiny apartment in downtown Montreal. “We are happy that the players we used to cheer for are doing well, but we are admittedly bitter that they’re no longer here in Montreal.”
Dionne and the other 13 Expos fans say they still think they could have sparked greater support for the team in Montreal if given the chance.
“Just think if each of us won over one person each year, and then they did the same,” said Dionne. “That would have given us 28 fans for 2006, 56 for 2007, 112 for 2008 and, by the time 2016 rolled around, we would have had a capacity crowd for the team at Olympic Stadium. Major league baseball just didn’t give the Expos a chance to develop a following here.”
Witness Protection Program Places High-Profile Mob Informant on Kansas City Royals
The Kansas City Royals added a new rightfielder yesterday – a 5-foot-8, 275 pound, 53-year old mob informant the federal witness protection placed with the team as a means to keep him out of public view.
Listed on the roster as “Jim Smith,” the new Royal is reportedly Vinnie Macaluso, a construction foreman and Mafioso from New Jersey who is preparing to testify for the government in the trial of John A. Gotti, the son of late mob boss John Gotti.
No one from the Federal Witness Protection program would comment on record about “Smith,” but an anonymous source within the department confirmed Macaluso was placed with the Royals.
“We couldn’t think of a place where a person is more likely to go unnoticed than with the Kansas City Royals,” said the source. “By playing with them we can be assured no one will ever find him because his face will never be on television and because almost no one attends their games.”
“Smith” reportedly has never played baseball in his life, something the Witness Protection program thinks works to their advantage.
“Since he’ll probably be striking out all the time and dropping fly balls and falling down and stuff, he’ll fit in perfectly with the Royals and won’t raise flags with anyone,” said the source. “We heard he could actually play a little bit of football, so that’s why we didn’t place him with the Arizona Cardinals.”
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