South Beach Diet - jealousy rears it's ugly head

View Full Version : jealousy rears it's ugly head

06-02-2005, 03:38 PM
I posted this in my journal here on 3FC -- thought if HB found it, it would upset her and I don't want that. But I also thought that others might be feeling the same way (or at least, I hope you are so I am not the only monster out there :lol: )

I am officially on Day 5 of South Beach and doing well. But there is something that has been bugging me. I canít write about it in my online journal because HB may find it and I donít want to upset herÖ

She weighs about 135 and has what I deem the perfect body. Itís hard enough being with another woman, but to be with her when sheís trying to GAIN weight when youíre trying to take it off, well, itís hard.

Sheís amazingly supportive of my efforts. Sometimes, she gets absent-minded and doesnít think that pulling out a tub of Haagen Das sorbet might bother me. I donít want to be upset with her at all because I have no right to. But at the same time, it does bother me. Only because I am jealous--itís not even like I like the stuff she eats. Itís just the plain fact that she *can* eat it and I canít even think about it or else I will gain 10 lbs.

So itís been rough. I know itís also rough on her as well. I constantly complain about my body. And although I am doing something about it, and have been for 2 years, it bothers me that *Iím* the one that canít eat what she wants. Iím the one that has to deprive myself or risk being fat for the rest of my life.

And itís also distressing to know that I have to eat this way for the rest of my life or face the consequences.......

06-02-2005, 04:01 PM
Jenn, hugs. I don't really have an answer for you but I know for me, when I get jealous it's usually about something else. Mostly it's about fear. Kind of "don't I deserve to have..." You deserve to be healthy AND have a happy life.


06-02-2005, 04:46 PM
I hate jealousy! I've struggled with it in other areas. Basically, what I've found is that Lydia is right, it does have to do with fear. You just have to figure out what you are afraid of. Of being thinner maybe?

06-02-2005, 04:50 PM
there is always that fear that now I blame things on my weight: Like why am I not attractive? why doesn't s/he like me? Must be my weight.

So, if that excuse is gone, what else is there aside from it really being me...

Perhaps, who knows?!?

06-02-2005, 05:36 PM
Sending you hugs, Jenn. :grouphug:
Why don't you think of it as a ... not a disease... that's not the right word. I'm being incredibly unclear, here. :lol:
Ummm... for instance, my MIL has diabetes, and she just KNOWS she can't have certain things because they'll make her ill.
I take major meds for depression, and I have to limit my alcohol intake because of it.
My DH has high blood pressure, and he watches what he eats because he's concerned about the consequences of eating fatty foods, etc.

Do you know what I mean?
Just look at those foods as being something that "are not for you". And stop looking at food as a drug that gives you a "quick fix".
The jealousy is totally understandable, sweetie. :grouphug: Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

06-02-2005, 05:49 PM
Thanks ellis-

I can look at it that way, sure. But it's having the stregth to do it that's sometimes the problem...

(ok, maybe my Day 5 isn't going as well as I once thought it was... :lol: )

06-02-2005, 08:50 PM
"there is always that fear that now I blame things on my weight: Like why am I not attractive? why doesn't s/he like me? Must be my weight."

I SO know what you mean by that....I tend to say that once in a while

do you think guys think the same thing?

06-02-2005, 08:52 PM
Probably, Jess. :yes:

06-02-2005, 10:50 PM
I can totally understand what you mean. My husband eats whatever whenever he wants. He has a huge bowl of icecream almost every night. But Kevin actually acts different towards me depending on my weight. When I was down to 142 he was different and now I'm back up to 150 he said he can't believe I have only gained 8 lbs cause it sure lookes like a whole lot more. He actually told me that he likes me better when I am thinner. Tried to save it by sayin well only because I think you like yourself more! I know you don't seem to have to deal with that part but I can understand the eatin whatever never takin into thought about you or what you can or cannot eat. He buys all kinds of junk food and crap. I thought you liked this or that. HELLO what part of SBD do you not understand. Ok I'm done rantin now! lol Just hang in there that's what I'm tryin to do!

06-03-2005, 08:56 AM
you hang in there too :)

06-03-2005, 10:00 AM
Jenn! :grouphug: Hon, I SO understand what you mean. My DH is incredibly supportive, but like your DF (Jenn...what does HB stand for? The only thing I can think of is 'Hot Babe'... :lol: ), he sometimes forgets. And sometimes he asks me if it's okay if he has something in front of me and I feel like it would be rude to say no. :( He has sacrificed so much to do SBD with me, so how can I say no to a hamburger bun (for him!)? :dunno:

On the other hand, hon...I do feel differently about the jealousy thing now. I felt very much as you do now until about three years ago. I was really pissed about it! So pissed that I decided ":censored: dieting! Why do I have to do it when no one else has to?" and I ate anything and everything I wanted, whenever I wanted, for over three years. I gained about 80 pounds. :cry: I was miserable, even though I ate as much as I wanted of everything I wanted. I realized what others thought of my activity, so I often ate alone. I wanted DH to go to bed or go out so I could be alone with my food. Anyone who's done Weigh Down will recognize this behavior...I was actually having an affair with food! :o It kept me away from DH and it kept me away from friends. It didn't make me feel better...only for the moment, then it was gone, I felt sick, and didn't know what to do, so I ate some more. Eventually, there just wasn't any food that was interesting any more, but I force fed myself my old favorites. It didn't get any better, but I did start to come out of my fog.

I realized that even though people like your DF and my DH can eat a lot of the crap that makes me crazy and binge-ready, in truth, they don't really eat that much. They often make much healthier choices than I would. And they spend lots of time not eating at all. Watch DF closely and I bet you'll see this. For instance, would you or I choose to have Haagen Dazs sorbet when we could have Macadamia Nut Brittle (about 1,000,000 grams of fat, but a personal fave) or something with tons of fat and chocolate? Bet DF didn't eat the whole quart...but if she did (and DH sometimes does), think about the difference in calories and fat to what we would have had. I bet DF doesn't eat this every night. We would. And I bet her daily calories are much less than yours or mine, even on a diet. It does work out to be fair in the end. My DH never gets fries...always asks for coleslaw instead. He'll go an entire day without eating if he's working on a big project. And he doesn't eat to make up for it when he gets home...he just has a small meal and then goes to bed. If it's late enough when he gets home, he goes to bed rather than eating because he's tired. I'd stay up until whenever if it meant eating before bed. You know? :dunno: There is a difference, but if your DF and my DH ate the way you and I would like to, they would be fat too. It might take them a little longer, but it really would be the same.

BTW, Meg (one of our fabulous maintainers) mentioned a study that she saw presented a while back. Basically this scientist did a study where people (thousands...I think it was five or ten thousand people) lived in a lab for two years. He controlled everything they ate in the sense that they did not have any access to extra food. He found that no matter their size, no matter what they thought their metabolism was, when what they ate was actually controlled, they lost weight. He found that it truly was a case of "calories in/calories out" to lose weight for EVERYONE. In some ways that's discouraging, but in most ways, I find it to be a huge relief. It means that it really is a level playing field. I was pretty pissed for a long time because I felt like it wasn't a level field...some people got great metabolisms and some got bad ones and woe to those in the second group. But this study shows that's not true. Some people eat less than others. Not everyone eats healthy...we all know skinny people who have terrible diets...but according to this study, fat is a direct result of eating too much. Period. :dunno:

I'm so sorry this is so long winded...but as you can tell, I feel passionately about it. Discovering that I'm not a freak cursed with a bad metabolism but a human being who has developed bad habits with food really gave me so much freedom and released all the bitterness and anger I had. Especially since I now know (and you do, too) that we can change those bad habits to good, healthy ones. If your reactions to sugars aren't as bad as mine, who knows? One day you might be eating sorbet with DF...put your spoon down and let her finish it because you just don't want any more. :D

06-03-2005, 10:10 AM
Laurie, interesting about the study. I've always know that calories matter. Somehow they just kept finding a way into my system :)

anchor weight
06-03-2005, 10:44 AM

I feel the same way about my mom. She is tall 5' 8" and not super skinny but never fat. I'm 5' 4 and have always been (or at least felt) overweight. My DM diets from January 1 to the end of March when we go on vacation for spring break. She loses 18 - 20 pounds and almost all of her body fat and she is done for the rest of the year. Then she eats sugar and carbs and yes Dove bars right in front of me every night. She always says "well you definitely have your Grandma ________'s body because it didn't come from my side of the family. Oh and my personal favorite statement is "I can't lose too much weight because I'm not buying a whole new wardrobe." :rolleyes: Bite me skinny lady. Or "You know if you would get down to your ideal weight you could have your pick of any single man out there." :rolleyes:

I think Ellis is correct in dealing with this as not necessarily a disease but something like it. It has taken me 40 years to figure out that I will never look like my mother no matter how hard I try. I've even learned her passive aggressive sabatoge tricks. The latest? Two for one chocolate chip cookies from the bakery. We now have a freezer full of them. One of my biggest weaknesses is cookies. I used to love to have a cookie or two and coffee every morning. But I'll be dam**d if I'm going to eat one.

My DSIL had pancreatitis so bad she almost died. Funny thing is she doesn't even drink! However, anyone who works in a hospital knows there are always treats brought in. She's worked in one for 20 years. She just says - I'm diabetic - I can't have any of those and people leave her alone. She has an insulin problem but is not diabetic. However it is just easier to say she's diabetic than try to explain everything to everyone.

When I go to starbucks - I bring my own low carb milk. If anyone gives me a hassle I just say - I'm lactose intolerant and they don't have a problem using my milk. :lol: Most of them don't know what lactose is. :lol:

My point is - we are all different. We need to learn to love who we are on the inside and accept who we are on the outside. From there if you want to make changes to your personal appearance do it for you! Because it makes you happy - not because anyone else would or wouldn't be happy. My answer to DM when she says "if you could get to your ideal weight.....etc" I say I don't want a man who just wants me beacause of how I look - I want a man who loves me for who I am regardless. :lol:

Good luck and hugs!

06-03-2005, 10:54 AM

HB is Honey Bunny. LOL What is DF??

She does skip meals as, unlike me, she doesn't think about food 24/7. So I understand that. But, when she does eat, she eats crap. Take the other day. At work she got a egg, sausage and cheese on a bagel for breakfast, had an Indian chicken wrap thing with mango sauce on it for lunch, dinner ate with me and had 2 Hostess cupcakes, a whole pint of the Haagen Das Sorbet and Chex Mix as well.

She went down a pound.

It's just frustrating is all. I know that I have to do this for me. Being healthy and weighing less is important to me. More important than eating whatever I want (and ballooning back up!).

She walks a bit more than me since I drive into work. So, tomorrow, much to her shagrin I am sure, I think I am going to hit the gym.

I don't show a loss when I start going. Laurie, I don't eat any more and I even drink more water. It's muscle. That was when I weighed in every week though (as opposed to what I am doing now -- every day!). So maybe it will be beneficial for me not to weigh in until Sunday, then each Sunday in June.

If I can control myself.

Thanks for all the support girls!

06-03-2005, 10:56 AM
Thanks for sharing too Amy :)

06-03-2005, 11:46 AM
Bamie darlin' - I think I would of looked your husband square in the eye & told him that I like him a lot more if he keep his damn mouth shut! Men can say some dumb things!! I know you look fab!!

06-03-2005, 01:25 PM
Amen, Soon! :cp: Bamie, I'm distressed that your DH isn't supportive of you while you're recouperating from your knee surgery and not supportive of your weight loss either. :( You deserve better treatment. He is one lucky guy to have you and I hope he figures that out! :yes: Do I think my DH looks more attractive when he doesn't have a belly? Sure! Do I think he looks amazingly hot right now with a belly? Absolutely!!! :flame: :love: :flame: The love in his eyes, his muscley arms, the way he's done dishes for two years while I went to school, and the massages he gives me at put that all together and I think he's the most wonderful man in the world. :love: Hopefully your DH just opened his mouth when he shouldn't have. :nono: Your personality shines through your posts and I know that if you are half as fun in person you must be an incredibly attractive woman!!! :grouphug:

Jenn, 'Honey Bunny'? That's SO sweet! :love: DF stands for Dear (or D**n) Fiancee. :D I hear you...but I bet that HB probably didn't eat much the day before, and didn't eat in between those meals. When you total her calories for the day, I bet they aren't much. In spite of the study, I do think some people have a faster metabolism. But I don't think it's fast enough to keep up with the diet I'd like to be eating, you know? :dunno: And perhaps that metabolism is a result of a lifestyle rather than genetic? Hmmm... Besides, you and I both know that those cupcakes and the breakfast HB had aren't healthy. She can gain muscle to gain weight and gain a little fat from eating healthy food. So have a talk and get those cupcakes out of the house. Stock the house with food that you can eat if you want to (I have a pantry cupboard full of triscuits and sweet potato chips for DH) and ask HB not to eat the other stuff in the house or in front of you. She can indulge at work if she really has to. It will be good for her, too. :grouphug: Yay for you on gaining so much muscle at the gym!!! :strong: That's awesome! Eventually, the muscle will help burn off the fat and the pounds will go down again. I'm sure. :D

Amy, your mom sounds horribly abusive! :grouphug: She must feel really badly about herself to feel the need to bash her daughter that way. :( You and I both know that the kind of guy you want to keep is the kind of guy who would fall in love with you because of who you are, not because of what you look like. In some ways, I'm thrilled that I met DH online because I knew that he loved me for who I am. :goodvibes: Your mom's way of eating isn't healthy and we both know it. :nono: You concentrate on being healthy and happy and let your mom be the jealous one when you are thin and happy, with a wonderful man, and she's facing endless health problems from her risky behavior. ;) BTW, why are you drinking Low carb milk? They put tons of crap in that stuff, and we can totally drink the regular kind with no problems on SBD. Do you get cravings from drinking regular? :?:

06-03-2005, 01:50 PM
Thanks Chickies! DH is not a nurtouring (sp?) or compassionate person at all! He thinks it helps me to say the things he does. Coming from someone who has never had to worry about their weight or what they ate! I just have to ignore him and his comments. I have to ignore the fact that he can eat whatever whenever and not gain an ounce but for me it is not like that. I just have to do what is best for me and forget the rest! I try to cook healthy and he always makes comments about your the one on the beach not me. I've tried to explain that he is over 40 now and needs to cut out all his grease and junk he eats and he says nope I don't have to eat like you do. He could eat pasta every meal I think. I told him fine when I'm living off his SS cause he is dead from a heart attack or clogged arteries I'll be enjoyin life! lol

Anchor...I'm sorry you have to live with it as well! You know even when I weighed 105 lbs I never made comments like that to people. It's like what were you thinkin...Oh wait you weren't thinkin! Hello you have guys flirting with you all the time like you are so what's up with her?! I'm sure she thinks she is doing the right thing. She just needs a lil guidance in what not to say to her DD!

06-03-2005, 02:29 PM
Wow you guys, great thread. Laurie and Amy, what insight! I thought the controlled environment/calories in, calories out was really interesting. Now that I think about it, there are definite differences between us and the thin people. I do think about food most of the day. As soon as I'm done eating I'm planning what I will eat next. I'm hoping some day I can be one of those people who don't constantly think about it. I need to retrain my brain!

06-03-2005, 02:44 PM
Maybe I will get HB to use FitDay and track what she eats...

Always an idea!

I don't want to deprive her of not being able to eat in her own home. While she's supportive, and if it really bothers me, I can be the one to walk away.

New day, new attitude I suppose.

Or it could be that she just called to suprise me for a date tonight. I was supposed to get tickets to a WNBA (women's national basketball) game tonight but didn't. So she suprised me and bought two tickets.

Now dinner is going to be a problem :lol: chipotle should be ok, as long as I get a burrito bowl with lettuce (no rice) meat and beans -- and it's AFTER the game (beans + basketball = public restrooms!) :lol:

06-03-2005, 03:08 PM
I was wondering what HB was and all those other ones. we need like a code page just so us out of the loopers can figure out who people are talking about. he heee

06-03-2005, 03:26 PM

I know there is the forum!

06-03-2005, 09:36 PM
Hey, just wanted to say absolutely great thread. I echo so many of your thoughts. IMHO, (opps--in my humble opinion) if HB was really supportive, she would absolutely not eat of all things Haagan Daz in from on you! That is purely torture!DH doesn't really "get" South Beach yet, in what I can and cannot have, but he's very supportive and did not even complain about the protabello pizzas last night, even though he culd have. (bite, then "is this a mushroom" humm" and ate the toppings) I have to keep telling myself that my body does not accept sugar bread etc. I know what you mean about living with a skinny person (6'3, 155, 33 in waist--imagine the Kenyans who win the Boston Marathon......) But it's true--he eats WAY less than me. Speaking of Weigh Down, something she said, "Look at what a skinny person eats, and compare it to your own." Over the long haul, very different....anyway, got a sick kid, so much go.

06-04-2005, 01:04 PM
Jenn, just curious to see it it's any better? Sometimes getting it out is 99% of the problem, for me at least. Like some sort of purge.

06-05-2005, 12:04 PM
We actually had a talk over dinner last night. We went out. I had a cobb salad (without the tomatoes and with FF Ranch Dressing) and she had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, baby carrots and a strawberry shake.

We ate the same thing almost yesterday -- she had lucky Charms for breakfast, a 98% FF pastrami, FF Cheese on wheat with mustard for lunch and cheese stick as snack.

I ate the mock french toast pancake scramble with turkey bacon for breakfast, cheese stick as a snack, pastrami slices, 2 slices FF cheese, green olives and cucumber for lunch (no bread!) and then dinner.

We talked a bit. It's the fact that I CAN'T have these things that makes me want them. She told me she felt bad about eating in front of me and we came to a comprimise -- if it bothers me, I mean really is bothering me, I ask her not to.

I won't abuse this but if there is a time when I can't take it anymore, I will ask her to move away! :)

Thanks for the support all!

06-05-2005, 12:20 PM
Jenn, I'm glad the 2 of you were able to talk. Keep up the good work.

06-05-2005, 12:22 PM
That's great, Jenn. :) Communicaton is everything. :grouphug:

06-05-2005, 12:33 PM
Jenn, I'm glad you're working through it. Good job!

06-05-2005, 04:15 PM
Yahoo for Jenn! :cb:
The only one I have to worry about in my house is my almost(2 more months) 4yr old son. He always has to have what I am eating. lol
My mom is not really supportive, and not really downing it either. We have a 'do your own thing' policy. I am just hoping that when I really start losing, she will want to do it. She is just literally so busy sometimes, she forgets to eat. But as her daughter, I know I will eventually wear her down. And cheaper on groceries too (not having to buy 2 sets, lol).

06-05-2005, 05:24 PM
Jenn: your HB sounds like my friend Laurie. Laurie is about 5'9" and thin. But she is out of shape and really kinda doesn't have a sexy body! There are all kinds of sizes and fitness levels. It is so easy to be jealous, but I think health is the key. I am 35 and so now I really focus on being healthy because I don't want to have to take medication for anything. I just ran a 5K. I am 159 and 5'4" I know Laurie would NOT be able to do this race. I have gotton over the idea of size equals in shape.

Please focus on your muscle building, your endurance, and your healthy eating! You CAN and you WILL end up healthy. I'm sure HB loves you in any shape or form. I know I love all my friends no matter what!


06-05-2005, 05:45 PM
Hey jenn, it might help to rmbr that HB fell for you just the way you were, before SB. ;) :D

06-05-2005, 09:49 PM
thanks -- I know.

(PS -- she *IS* fit, which stinks too :) but is also very, very nice!!)