Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Romantic Rejection




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Spectral14
07-16-2014, 10:20 AM
Hi All,

I'm 29 years old and never been on a date, and as far as I know, no man has ever been interested in being in a relationship with me.

After years of denial and depression, I've taken off 96.5 pounds since mid-August 2013.

THE POINT:

I really want to be in a relationship. Last week I went out with a friend that I've known about a year. The consensus was that he liked me---nobody has ever liked me before, so this was exciting.

I thought the date went well, but a few days later, I'm not hearing from him.

This is really triggering, as rejection always got me eating in the past. I want to binge so bad right now.

Even at almost 100 pounds lighter, I can't seem to be relationship material. I don't want to give up- but this hurts so bad.

Please, I'd love some words of support and wisdom.

Thank you!


maddierep
07-17-2014, 02:20 AM
hi

i don't have any spefic advice to share, but just wanted to say I hear you. try and remember the changes you make in your life are for you, not anyone else. Stick with the good progress you've made.

Also, i've never been on a date in my life. ever. I'm 32. it's a mix of several different things that i won't go into here. But like you, I am committed to putting myself out there and meeting people.

So my goal is not to be in a relationship, but to meet people that i can connect with. I am good at relationships - I have tons of peope in my life who i love and who love me. I'm sure you can say the same.

in terms of romantic success - i look at it the way i look at other goals in life, work, fitness etc. I have to try. and keep trying. there will be failures, but that's not a bad thing. I just keep learning and moving on. rejection (whether a job application, a friendship that won't happen, or even a romantic interest) feels terrible in the moment. But only by continually learning do we get to get closer to our goals in life.

good luck (and hugs)

LRH
07-17-2014, 07:25 AM
Congratulations on your weight loss! That's a fantastic achievement!

Like almost everything in life, dating is a numbers game. Don't expect to connect with the first person you go out with. It's a process and along the way, you not only find out a lot about other people, but also yourself. Maddierep is right. Keep at your good, healthy habits that you've worked so hard to establish and keep moving on.

Best of luck!


raebeaR
07-17-2014, 09:49 AM
Oh, honey, it's a numbers game -- and I see I'm not the first person to say that. Try and keep the following in mind: NOT having a relationship is the default position, and the only "successful" relationship anyone is ever in is the one they're having right now!! All others were a failure. My point here is not to depress you but to hopefully get you to understand that you're experiencing very normal things.

DON'T let having a relationship -- or not having one -- define who you are or your value as a person! You're pretty amazing, having lost that 96+ pounds, yeah? Someone will see and appreciate your unique qualities at some point. You just have to meet him, which means meeting a LOT of people! Make friends, lots of friends, be your own awesome self and before you know it, you'll find what you're looking for. :) Because it will find you!

5boyz4me
07-22-2014, 11:41 AM
This is kind of a funny thread for me to respond to, because I've been happily married for 24 years. The reason, I am saying anything is because my husband and I "discuss" regularly my weight. Besides the obvious fact that I adore my husband and would never even consider looking at another man, I am 215 lbs and only a little over 5'4". I feel like I am unattractive and that he need not worry. He on the other hand is constantly frustrated because he feels I get to much undue attention and worries about me constantly.(He is gorgeous and weighs a perfect 180- so I find it rather hilarious.)

Okay so here it is (so far I sound like I'm rubbing in my happy marriage, but I promise I'm not) Why are my husband and my own opinions sooooo outta wack? I've discussed this with a bunch of people and started taking notice to the world around me, and here is what I've surmised. Men are initially attracted to looks, but right along side of that, they are attracted to confidence, "not the kind that says, hey I'm woman hear me roar and watch it little man I'm going to stomp all over you" but the kind that says, I know who I am and I'm happy with that. So here are some practical dos and don'ts:

-Walk into a room with your head up, smile confidently.
-Don't wear fat lady clothing, but don't dress the hussy. Wear tasteful clothing that flatters your figure, but isn't to revealing- make them wonder.
-DON'T go anywhere looking for a man. Men can smell desperation and they will run.
-Anywhere you go, go there to have fun with friends. Let men be an afterthought.
-Do NOT be needy. Men love to be a knight in shining armor, they do not love to be an emotional babysitter.
-Don't compare yourself to others.
-Learn contentment the grass is NOT always greener. A man is worse than a child, enjoy this time where you answer to no one and can do what you want, it will be forever gone once a man is in the picture ;)
-Lastly( perhaps firstly) I believe in prayer ( I know it sounds cliche') but it has worked for me for 28 years :)

jayavery
07-22-2014, 03:05 PM
This is kind of a funny thread for me to respond to, because I've been happily married for 24 years. The reason, I am saying anything is because my husband and I "discuss" regularly my weight. Besides the obvious fact that I adore my husband and would never even consider looking at another man, I am 215 lbs and only a little over 5'4". I feel like I am unattractive and that he need not worry. He on the other hand is constantly frustrated because he feels I get to much undue attention and worries about me constantly.(He is gorgeous and weighs a perfect 180- so I find it rather hilarious.)

Okay so here it is (so far I sound like I'm rubbing in my happy marriage, but I promise I'm not) Why are my husband and my own opinions sooooo outta wack? I've discussed this with a bunch of people and started taking notice to the world around me, and here is what I've surmised. Men are initially attracted to looks, but right along side of that, they are attracted to confidence, "not the kind that says, hey I'm woman hear me roar and watch it little man I'm going to stomp all over you" but the kind that says, I know who I am and I'm happy with that. So here are some practical dos and don'ts:

-Walk into a room with your head up, smile confidently.
-Don't wear fat lady clothing, but don't dress the hussy. Wear tasteful clothing that flatters your figure, but isn't to revealing- make them wonder.
-DON'T go anywhere looking for a man. Men can smell desperation and they will run.
-Anywhere you go, go there to have fun with friends. Let men be an afterthought.
-Do NOT be needy. Men love to be a knight in shining armor, they do not love to be an emotional babysitter.
-Don't compare yourself to others.
-Learn contentment the grass is NOT always greener. A man is worse than a child, enjoy this time where you answer to no one and can do what you want, it will be forever gone once a man is in the picture ;)
-Lastly( perhaps firstly) I believe in prayer ( I know it sounds cliche') but it has worked for me for 28 years :)


Yes Yes and YES! Married 3 times here and will not rub in the "3rd time is a charm" but above is everything I learned in the last 19 months. 5boyz hit the nail on the head exactly. My husband and I separated 19 months ago. And when I started to put myself first, be confident and take care of me he noticed. Many discussions, plans and tears later we are happy at 10 years.

Shannonsnail
07-22-2014, 10:43 PM
-Learn contentment the grass is NOT always greener. A man is worse than a child, enjoy this time where you answer to no one and can do what you want, it will be forever gone once a man is in the picture ;)

Truest words ever written!

Spectral14
08-04-2014, 09:29 AM
Thanks to those who replied. After 5 dates he told me he wanted to stays friends. Hurts.

MauiKai
08-04-2014, 02:36 PM
Well it's bound to happen many more times. You don't marry the first guy you date 99.9% of the time. Don't get invested in a dating situation that is only a few dates/weeks old. After 2 or 3 months, then you can think about becoming emotionally invested. As others have said, dating is a numbers game. Date 50 toads to find one good dude, and so on. So don't get attached. My personal policy was always to assume I'd never see the person again after each date until we had been seeing each other exclusively for a couple of months. A date is for fun. It's a night out. A movie. Dancing...whatever. It's not a relationship. Anyway it worked for me, and if things didn't work out I wasn't emotional about it and I moved on. Then I found my DH, (same policy with him of course) and the rest is history!

tinneranne2
08-05-2014, 12:54 AM
Disclaimer: I am currently heartbroken, so you may need to take this with a grain of salt. lol

Your weight has very little to do with it. Many ladies on 3FC are overweight/obese and happily married.

How you see yourself (which admittedly can be strongly influenced by how much you weigh) is what holds you back. It determines how you act and how you interpret others' actions. Decide that you're awesome and watch the boys come a'callin. :)

Unreciprocated interest is always painful. Dating is painful. Being alone can be painful. You will fluctuate on which pain seems worth it, and in the moment it will feel hopeless. We need contrast in our lives so that we can appreciate the many wonderful blessings we take for granted everyday. What happened with that guy sucked, no doubt. Turn your head away from the suck and really look at everything around you that is wonderful.

Arwen17
08-05-2014, 10:31 AM
It's nice to hear that I'm not the only girl who's never or barely been on any real dates. I'm 23 years old and been out of college for a year. I've been on a couple "dates" since I started to put myself out there in the last few months, but so far nothing. I think they just went on a date with me because they were hoping for a one night stand.... So I've basically given up at this point and am just doing the things I enjoy since there's absolutely no f*ing way to orchestrate meeting the "right" person or meeting anyone who actually wants to have a relationship and not just sex...because everyone like that is already married or in a relationship.

Everyone I know my own age is married and already has a child, or just got married, engaged, or pregnant. I feel like a freak. The girls I hang out with are still in college, hence why they are still single. Everyone else I ask how they met, they say they met in college and got married after graduation.
Being the socially-ignorant introvert I've always been, I thought college was all about graduating with a degree, so I focused all of my time and energy on that for 4 years. I didn't realize I was supposed to be "husband shopping" at the same time, and I now I feel like I have no chance of meeting anyone ever again unless a miracle happens because college is the one time in your life when you are surrounded by hordes of young and intelligent people. Now I'm surrounded by old people, married people, alcoholic people, and extremely overweight people who have no interest in improving their health (no offense meant, but I feel like you guys understand this or you wouldn't be on this website trying to lose weight).

muguet
08-05-2014, 11:56 PM
GIRL, I am WITH YOU!!! :hug:
I'm 24 and I just had my first date a couple of weeks ago and the guy was just...not the guy. After the second date he stopped texting me so I totally understand what you're going through.
I'm feeling really insecure about being single lately since my friends keep rubbing it in (even if I don't envy their relationships, it still bothers me and still hurts). I've been in a bad place for about two years and honestly just today, I was feeling very down because a friend of mine was being very annoying about me being single.

Although I might not be leading you by example, here are things I'm working on:
- being happy alone and being able to feel valued by other relationships in my life
- being true to myself and my values.
- working towards being responsible in all areas of my life so that I can be ready for a serious relationship (for me that includes doing well in school, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, having a clean home and general good habits)
- doing the things I want to do for myself (travelling is super important to me)
- allowing to pamper myself. This is very important to me. Feeling feminine and pretty is okay for women of all sizes.
- working on good manners and presenting myself better to everyone, not just men. I read a lot of books on elegance and manners for inspiration. Good posture and not swearing are things I'm currently working on.

I hope this is making you feel like you're totally normal. I actually loved reading through your thread because I'm feeling super alone in my situation. Thanks so much for talking for getting the discussion going. Hugs!!

MauiKai
08-06-2014, 09:59 AM
Now I'm surrounded by old people, married people, alcoholic people, and extremely overweight people who have no interest in improving their health (no offense meant, but I feel like you guys understand this or you wouldn't be on this website trying to lose weight).


I get what you're saying. It's like what Leslie Mann says in "The other woman" when she is talking to her husbands newly discovered mistress: "Last time I was dating I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone! Now the dating pool is a shallow puddle of age appropriate partners who are bald and ugly and old!" (Or something very close to that)

I am not in the dating pool, thank goodness, but I feel for those that are still out there!

faiora
10-15-2014, 05:32 PM
Short answer that you probably don't want to hear: You're better off alone than with the wrong person.

In other words, I think "I want a boyfriend/girlfriend" or "I want a husband/wife" is the wrong goal. Go out, get to know people, and have fun. Don't pursue someone just because they're the gender you like and they're reasonably attractive and normal (or whatever you're into).

I've been with my husband for about 12 years now. When we found each other, we weren't looking (we met in a nerdy chatroom online). We just had something in common and we started out as friends.

I think there's a big problem with dating for the sole sake of having a relationship and getting married. Go on dates to get to know people, and even better, go out to events and activities you're interested in, and say "hey, can we go out for lunch/coffee/dinner/snowboarding/hiking/whatever sometime?" if you hit it off with someone.

Disclaimer: I never did a lot of dating; I've always been WAY too wrapped up in what I'm doing to go looking for a partner.
But does this make me lucky? Or are people like me the people who find a great partner?

alaskanlaughter
10-15-2014, 05:43 PM
after I was married young and divorced young, I specifically decided to take a year for myself and I focused on working on my own independence, being in my house alone with my young son, expanding my responsibilities at work etc etc

during that time, I started communicating through work with a man in the legislative offices in another city in the state and eventually we started talking outside of work - I was a journalist and he worked for the legislature - and eventually, about exactly a year later, he came up north to meet me and spend some time

we've never been apart since and that was just over 12 years ago now :)

Sally Pineapple
10-15-2014, 06:28 PM
I have been fat my whole life and I never had a problem getting men, unfortunately most of them were after only one thing so it was bye bye to them. So please don't let your morals down because you are yearning for that relationship.
I met a man that I fell madly in love with and we became first friends and then the best of friends. He divorced and remarried and divorced again, but we remained good friends. Between his divorces we dated a few times and he told me that he did not want a relationship with me because I was fat and ugly. We went our separate ways and our paths crossed again. Our friendship had never left either of us and we once again are spending time together. So what I am saying is the man that I fell in love with was 34 years ago and we have been living together for the last two years and we are still the best of friends. So you never know, your friend may turn into a relationship later on down the road.
Don't rush. You may not feel like it, but you do have your whole life ahead of you.
Good Luck.