Depression and Weight Issues - Sorrow, mommy sorrow.




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thirti4thirty
02-25-2014, 04:59 PM
I'm making this thread because my heart is broken and I don't know who to turn to.
My mum's leaving my house tomorrow. I kinda sent her away. But oh! How it breaks my heart. I needed to take that decision however.
I'm the worst emotional eater who's walked the earth (the universe even). I can't feel anything without turning to food first and last thing.
My mum and I have this kind of super volcanic relationship. I admit that at the time I had severe depression, we didn't know about it and she didn't get all those slight implications of the whole depression thingy. I would binge/emotional eat constantly because I didn't feel good with her around me. I don't even feel confortable with her around me. And yet she's such a great person and a great mum!!!
She has diabetes too. She's been fighting to avoid insulin at all cost so she's taking care of her health food wise, that is, she eats healthy food in small amounts throughout the day and she succeeds beautifully in controlling her weight and blood sugar levels. She has about 6 small meals a day and she can have just a little bit of something she loves. I can't. I'm so used to living all alone and buying lean food (because I eat whatever I find in my kitchen) so I make sure I ONLY have very lean things around myself. She's been cooking healthy food most of the time but I can't help eating a lot of those (starchy carbs), eating constantly or eating late at night or even in the middle of the night.
So I prefer to be alone cos only then can I control whatever I buy and therefore eat. She understands and she's very supportive, but constantly seeing her around food makes me crave those foods so much!!
Now I'm on antidepressants and I feel 100 times better, I'm doing well with my diet and very proud of myself (She'd been absent for a few weeks).
And now, she's back trying to stay with me (She has her own house but somehow she prefers to be with me, for the company and other advantages).
It's breaking my heart but I'm sending my mum away. As simple as that. I feel so miserable but I'm sure it's the price to pay to stay on track cos she provokes emotional eating in me all the time and she makes food too available around the house too much time.
I feel like a bad daughter (I'm not ;) ) and a terrible person (I am). I know I'm causing us a lot of sadness and bitterness but I'm maintaining my decision. For my mental sanity and my health.
I just saw her luggage, packed in the doorway. I felt so bad and I'm rushing here to vent, but I NEED to talk to her. Reassure her that I love her presence, and she can come back later when my goals are reached, but that I need loneliness in the meantime to rebuild my own self and make life better for myself. I'm gonna miss her so much, my heart is bleeding, aching.
The first time I tried to prevent my mum from moving in with me for some time, my sister told me that it was one of the biggest mistakes that life never forgives and makes you regret later. I'm feeling so guilty!
Sorry for so much negativity. I just needed listening ears.
BIG SIGH!


alaskanlaughter
02-25-2014, 11:37 PM
this sounds like a really difficult time for you (((hugs))) while i'm not sure I agree with your decision, it sounds like you are doing what you see is best and you are NOT a terrible person for that....best of luck :)

Mazzy
02-26-2014, 10:24 AM
Why does it break your heart if that's the decision you made? Is it because you don't want to hurt her feelings?


Lovegrovemama
02-26-2014, 10:49 AM
I have a really bad relationship with my mom, I've been told by several therapists and friends and family to make her leave. She's lived with me for 10 years and it has been really hard on my marriage and my well bEing...but I am so scared of the guilt and her not being able to financially make it...I've not been able to do it. I think you are amazingly brave. I don't think your a bad person at all...I think you are doing what you need to do to make your life better. Parents sometimes tend to live vicariously through their kids especially if they don't have their own friends or activities...it's not healthy. Don't beat yourself up...if she is able to live on her own then she should...be strong.

thirti4thirty
02-27-2014, 03:02 AM
Thanks for replying, everyone. I'm so grateful!
We had breakfast together, and talked about it. She still sounds very disappointed and tried to include others' opinions about the issue (she always does that. Minding what other people think more than her kids feelings) but now I'm ready and I know my priorities. ME FIRST.
We had a good and calm discussion anyway. I'm proud of us!! I'll visit her as often as I can and assist her to the best of my possibility when she's in need. But I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE.
The house is empty, and I'm alone. I like that.

thirti4thirty
03-09-2014, 03:32 AM
This must sound selfish but being alone is soooo good! I wake up when I want, and do the things I want WHEN I DECIDE.
I'm swimming in happiness. Beloved cherished independence! I haven't had it in quite a long while.

EasySpirit
03-24-2014, 07:58 PM
What is your work schedule?

thirti4thirty
03-25-2014, 03:16 AM
EasySpirit My WORK schedule???

thirti4thirty
10-28-2014, 06:09 AM
8 months later update:
She's back or rather she's found her way back.

More overbearing, authoritarian than ever and with more sharpened skills in emotional blackmailing.

For the past 2 days I've been eating like a pig...again. She just drains energy, calmness and positivity out of my life. I've just spent the past 8 months in total bliss all alone away from her vampiric ways. And now I'm sitting here again trying to design a scheme to send her away packing again. Only so I could have my sanity back.

Right now I've stopped taking all my depression medication and I think she's going to pull me spiraling down the dark hole...again.

About to have a discussion with her. Oh how I would like to hear her saying that she doesn't intend to stay for long this time!

LORD HAVE MERCY!!!

RunningWild
10-28-2014, 06:58 AM
I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It sounds like having your mom around is very detrimental to your mental and emotional well-being! I can't imagine how bad you felt telling her to leave the first time, and now she's back again after only 8 months.

If she decides to stay for a bit longer than you'd like, you could change your locks and not give her a key. She'll probably throw a fit about it and have your sister back her up, but she doesn't seem capable of understanding your side of this whole ordeal. I'm a quite reserved person and need my space and alone time, I can't imagine having my mom around all the time even if I love her dearly!

Stay strong! :hug:

Wannabehealthy
10-28-2014, 07:45 AM
I don't understand why your Mom moves in with you when she has her own home. If it's just loneliness she could visit, but not live there. Maybe she needs to become more sociable, join groups, etc. It has nothing to do with loving her, you just need your own space.

I went through something similar with my Mom, years ago, but in that case I moved out of her house. We just could not live together. I had to move out to keep my sanity. It was so much better between us after that. I could visit and we enjoyed each other's company. She was old fashioned and believed that a girl should stay with her parents until she was married, but at the rate we were going, I was never going to get married.

Maybe you could tell your Mom that this is your home, and we don't bring these foods (the ones tempting you) into the house. My mother always told me "Live in my house, live by my rules." Make your own rules.

I look at your avatar and I believe that you are the snowman and she is the sun....they just don't mix.

thirti4thirty
10-28-2014, 09:33 AM
Thanks for your input, wannabe and running.

So far as I'm concerned, she's a desperate case. Once she has chosen a victim and planted her nails in her skin, nothing can make her lose her grip.

No possibility for making any rule for her to follow. She doesn't give a damn in her dealings with her kids; she only care about "what people will think".

The irony of it is that she has this christian holier than thou attitude which makes her believe that she's the most humble person walking this earth.

Because of this, she's also able to turn tables and pretend to be victimized while actually she's the one doing the wrong.

She has quit her job because of the same problems. Hasn't been able to maintain any social life because of her quick mouth.

Now the problem is that my dad died decades ago and she raised us alone.

I recently realized that she feels we have to kind of repay to her the time and work that she invested into us (I won't even talk about affection here.
She never gave it because she never had it, end of story).

She feels it's her right to demand these from us and failure to pay back lands you in a tremendous emotional trouble.

I know the problem would be non existant if she had a job or something doing for herself but she won't. She claims she can't stand people's attitude at work and that she has worked so much in her life to look after us that, it is her right to now sit back and enjoy life (through us).

I realized chronic boredom drives her to behave like this. For instance, what drove me to write this post today is an argument she was trying to start this morning, about me working too much and not socializing with her enough in the house. I teach 2 days during the week and spend the rest of the days marking scripts and making lesson plans. She thought I had 5 free days to sit in the house and entertain her, which I think, made her to come to my place.

She's upset when I'm working hard (endlessly interrupting me with trivial topics, verbally complaining, mumbling and fumbling throughout the day, watching T.V where I'm working only to distract me etc). And yet, at the end of the month, she virtually wrestles her share of my salary out of my hands (she doesn't have any pension apart from the one she receives as a widow).

To say that she's driving me nuts is an understatement.

Wannabehealthy
10-28-2014, 09:51 AM
If I didn't know for sure that my mother passed away I would think that she was posing as your mother on the side! I think it has a lot to do with them losing their husbands at a young age.

It sounds like you have to be stronger. If she brings food in the house that you don't want in the house, throw it away. If you make it too comfortable for her she will never leave.