Chicks in Control - Finding Control




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worththeeffort2
11-28-2013, 11:43 AM
After more starts and stops and different diets than I can count, I am hopeful that I am finally finding a healthy way to control my impulse to binge. Almost five weeks ago, I began a medically-supervised weight loss program that has set up strict parameters for what I can and cannot eat and when I can and cannot eat. Having to be accountable to the doctor each week is really working to keep me on track.

Because of my disfunctional relationship with food and the strict 1000 calorie daily cap of the program, I also find myself fighting the urge to stop eating, skip prescribed snacks, or to get by on as few calories as possible while still being within range. I am allowed to drop as low as 800 calories--which I find myself shooting for with regularity. I'm sure there are others who appreciate the attitude of, 'Fine, if I cannot binge, I'll starve.' Once I am able to see the program psychologist, I hope to get better control of this urge to swing from one extreme to the other.

Ultimately, I do have hope that this program will allow me to break old habits and learn a new relationship with food. In the meantime, I've lost almost 20 pounds. Before anyone starts noticing and making comments, I'm hopeful to be seeing the psychologist so I don't repeat my pattern of a compliment throwing me into a binge cycle.


Fiona W
11-28-2013, 01:17 PM
Thanks for sharing about your plans, worththeeffort2! I know exactly what you mean about a compliment throwing you into a binge cycle. I'm a longtime yo-yo dieter, and I've had real problems with the way people respond to me when I lose a lot of weight. I get freaked out when they're staring at my body and saying, "Wow, you look great!" I remember one time during a weigh-in at a diet clinic that happened, and I burst into tears and essentially had a panic attack.

Do you have any understanding yet about why that happensówhy it's so hard to cope with what other people say when we lose weight? I've heard some people say they don't like the compliments because they imply that you were somehow unacceptable when you were heavier. I don't think that's the issue for me. It's almost like a sexual trauma thing for me, even though I've never been actually molested or raped. But I feel it as though the other people are getting in my face, getting in my space, so I start binging to regain the weight and push them away.

This is an important issue for me to get a handle on, because I'm 58 years old, and I intend for this weight loss from a high of 351 down into the mid-100's to be the last time I get rid of the flab. I want to be my old slim self, before all my emotional eating behavior began, and I want to be comfortable in my own skin, when I get there.

Do you think there's something a bit scary about being normal-sized? What do you think this issue is about?

Catgoyle
11-28-2013, 05:31 PM
But I feel it as though the other people are getting in my face, getting in my space, so I start binging to regain the weight and push them away.



It's interesting now that you bring this up. I have always used my weight to keep people (specifically men) away. I hadn't even thought about it until now, that maybe since I have lost all libido due to hormone changes and have no desire to be with anyone, maybe that has somehow released my mind to let me finally commit to losing weight? Wow this is a very interesting thought I will have to explore. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it.


worththeeffort2
11-30-2013, 01:52 PM
For me, I believe quite a lot of my weight issues have to do with sexual trauma and the mixed messages I received about food when I was a child. At age 10, just as my body was starting to develop, I was molested by an older brother. I never said anything but internalized the trauma. I, like so many girls raised in traditional American homes, was admonished to be a "good girl." Anything remotely vein or sexual in nature was bad, particularly my own impulses.

I am beginning to believe that binging in reaction to receiving a compliment--especially from a man--is a form of self-punishment for having a pleasurable reaction to the compliment. Putting on weight or staying heavy minimizes the potential of receiving compliments, therefore, reduces the odds of me experiencing the type of pleasure I was taught is "inappropriate."

This is one of the reasons I'm scheduled to see a psychologist. I need to work out these issues so this time, the weight loss sticks. I'm also moving into menopause, so being 50 and considered "too old" to be sexually attractive may be exactly what you suggest--a buffer that can substitute for food. I don't know. I'm working on it all.

PartTimeHippie
11-30-2013, 08:01 PM
Compliments seem to fuel my sense of rebellion. It's as though people are welcoming me to the dark side of conformity, the place where fat women are taught that we are always broken and unsuitable in our current bodies. To be honest, though, I'd feel more mobile and comfortable at a size 14-18, so this quest continues. It's a matter of fat rights and feminism bumping up against plain old practicality.

worththeeffort2
12-01-2013, 12:21 PM
Well, yes, part of my drive to lose weight this time and keep is off is the need for conformity. My work place is threatening to increase insurance premiums for any employee who does not "live a healthy lifestyle." At this point, failure to live a "healthy lifestyle" includes anyone who smokes and anyone who is overweight. Because a majority of administrators are also heavy drinkers, alcohol use is not mentioned in terms of healthy or unhealthy behavior.

So, yes, in order to keep as much of my $15/hour income as possible and be able to afford to pay my mortgage, I must conform to governmental or societal or medical standards of what is considered a "healthy weight." The admins in charge of this change have yet to determine the precise standard. I think it's because that alcohol issue keeps getting in the way. In any event, the organization believes it will save boodles of money in health care costs if all 10,000 employees are forced to comply or pay up.

Since I know this is coming, I'm utilizing my health care insurance coverage now to participate in a medically supervised weight loss program. If I am not successful enough in this program, I will be forced to either undergo major surgery to have my digestive tract permanently mutilated in order to reach the goals set by my employer or look for another, potentially lower paid job without retirement or health benefits. At age 50, my prospects are not good (another societal conformity issue called ageism). Do I go under the knife to stay where I am so to keep my retirement benefits and health care coverage or do I quit my job, take the risk of not finding another, and still be required to pay more for health care coverage under the new U.S. laws? I'm an overweight American who happens to have a chronic, non-weight related illness, who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My choice is to take advantage of the health care premiums I currently pay to try to lose as much weight as possible in order to save money in the long run. Since the insurance will cover psychological counseling, I can also use this as an opportunity to address issues that have pressed down on me since age 10. Four decades of self-abuse and self-punishment are enough. I guess you could say that I'm taking a lemon and making lemonade--sugar-free, of course. Yes, I suppose I could waste time and energy proclaiming outrage but instead, I've opted to turn the situation to my advantage and move forward.

Fiona W
12-02-2013, 07:06 PM
It sounds like you've got a great attitude, worththeeffort2! Best of luck!

freelancemomma
12-11-2013, 12:18 PM
Well, yes, part of my drive to lose weight this time and keep is off is the need for conformity.... So, yes, in order to keep as much of my $15/hour income as possible and be able to afford to pay my mortgage, I must conform to governmental or societal or medical standards of what is considered a "healthy weight." ... If I am not successful enough in this program, I will be forced to either undergo major surgery to have my digestive tract permanently mutilated in order to reach the goals set by my employer or look for another, potentially lower paid job without retirement or health benefits. At age 50, my prospects are not good (another societal conformity issue called ageism).

You sound very smart and articulate. You should be working at a job paying $50 per hour (or more), not $15. 50 is not old. I'm almost 57 and continue to find new clients (who pay me $80 per hour). I'll bet you can put your brains and eloquence to profitable use.

F.

worththeeffort2
12-13-2013, 07:39 AM
Thank you, FreeLanceMomma. I did my stint as a writer years ago and burned out on it. Ultimately, I decided a life of drama and trauma wasn't for me. Unfortunately, I'm tied to a poor home state due to family commitments. In my life, I've discovered dumb people don't want employees who are smarter than them working for their companies. It's a Dilbert kind of world. :)

worththeeffort2
12-20-2013, 10:02 AM
Yesterday was a tough day. I'm not going to say I had an urge to binge but I certain was jonesing for sugar. It hasn't been easy, being the holidays. My work place has overflowed with candy, cakes, cookies, and the like. On Wednesday, someone left the gift of a two-piece box of Godiva chocolates on my desk. I set them aside to re-gift to my mother. She'll enjoy them. Yesterday, I came across a large tin--and I mean a large tin--of Godiva truffles. OMG. Among my favorite things in the world. I walked away.

This afternoon, I will start my Christmas vacation and will be away from the office until Jan. 2 when, with any luck at all, people will be full bore into their own pledges for New Year's abstinence and all the sweet goodies will have disappeared.

It is far easier for me to stay on track when I am at home. I don't feel stress, so the urge to eat emotionally is significantly reduced. I'll also be able to hit the treadmill or exercise to my videos whenever it is convenient. I'll also be able to exercise for a longer period of time than I can in the evening, when I get home after work and already feel exhausted.

My goal is to lose 5 pounds over the period of my vacation. I would like that very much.

worththeeffort2
12-26-2013, 04:22 PM
:carrot: I am doing a celebratory dance in my head. I have reached the first Onederland--that is, I have only 100 pounds left to lose to reach a healthy weight. It sounds so much better than 132 pounds to a healthy weight. :D

I have really been enjoying my Christmas vacation at home without any food, stress, or emotional triggers around. I've been able to dedicate at least an hour each day to working out. I've stuck to my diet plan every single day and I'm approaching the two month mark without a sugar binge.

I'm on a mental "high" right now but I haven't forgotten the days I struggled and felt horrible over the last 8 weeks. I know there will be crappy days down the road but for today, I'm doing a happy dance in my head because I feel good.

SharShar1
12-26-2013, 11:32 PM
Worththeeffort2 This is great news! I have been struggling to get to the gym and today I had some eating setbacks :( . I'm trying to keep it in perspective though.... It's great to hear about your sucess over this difficult time of the year (when it comes to food and temptation!):D

:carrot::carrot::carrot:

worththeeffort2
12-27-2013, 07:27 AM
Thanks, SharShar. Usually, it is a super busy time of year but I planned ahead to scale back this year and then, bad weather postponed many of those plans. Home is my safe haven, since I control the food that comes into the house. Plus, my husband and I both prefer a quiet, drama-free life so the potential for stress eating isn't an issue when I'm home.

Each moment of each day is an opportunity to start fresh. Don't focus on the slips. Focus on your successes and long-term goals. I'm fortunate to have an elliptical and treadmill at home now but, honestly, 75% of my workouts are done following exercise DVDs that I buy through Collage Video online.

Keep up the good work, SharShar. Happy New Year! :xcheer:

worththeeffort2
01-01-2014, 11:10 AM
I have had a wonderfully relaxing 10 days off for a Christmas vacation but today is the last day. I've noticed that, despite my continued exercise efforts, my weight loss is starting to slow but at least the scale is still moving in the right direction.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not feeling a bit anxious about returning to the workplace tomorrow and having to face my co-worker, Mrs. Snarky Church-Lady and the Bi-Polar Boss Lady. I just need to focus on taking time for me during the day by sticking to my usual breaks; taking and eating a healthy, balanced lunch; and taking occasional strolls just to get away from my computer and desk.

worththeeffort2
01-26-2014, 06:36 PM
I'm so pleased that I've managed to lose 42 pounds over the past three months. I'm averaging losing 14 pounds per month. I have not binged or broken the program. I'm also excited to see that my BMI has dropped below 40. I've got a long way to go, I know but I'm excited that I'm making progress in a way that I should be able to maintain the loss long-term.

ggbsy
01-27-2014, 02:00 PM
Wow! Congratulations!!! Well done!!!

Tips please!

mainecyn
01-27-2014, 02:48 PM
Ultimately, I do have hope that this program will allow me to break old habits and learn a new relationship with food. In the meantime, I've lost almost 20 pounds. Before anyone starts noticing and making comments, I'm hopeful to be seeing the psychologist so I don't repeat my pattern of a compliment throwing me into a binge cycle.

Thank you for posting. I have often wondered how others approach tackling the binge eating disorder. I have been suffering from/with it for as far back as I can remember. I have also faced the stress of compliments. It is odd that a compliment of all things can send a person into a binge eating episode, but it does for me as well. It seems as if the attention someone gives me, noticing things about me, will push me over the edge. I will feel very very self conscious. I battle in my mind the idea that someone is looking at me, studying me. I don't like attention, it makes me nervous and ashamed. I have an automatic response of analyzing every single thing said to me about myself. I take a compliment and twist it, sickly, into something else, seem to take an inventory about myself and think what they really meant to say was something else (negative). Sometimes, words do not even have to be expressed for me to "punish" myself emotionally.

I was working on a project at work a few weeks ago. I had worked for a week on this project and was extremely nervous when I turned it in. The day I turned it in my boss seemed to be angry, lack his normal happiness, and didn't speak to me. I immediately went to my project being horrible, a mess, embarrassingly unprofessional and inadequacy (like myself). I found myself dodging my boss the rest of the week and just waiting to be called to his office or receive an email saying I was losing my position and wouldn't be trusted again. I got a physical response, hands and feet tingly, stomach drop, face turned red, heart rate picked up, and my immediate response was I need to "stuff" the emptiness I suddenly experience. This set off an immediate need to binge, I think needing to let all these emotions out. I did so, for an entire weekend. When returning to work Monday I had an email from the boss asking me to look over the presentation, I did and I remember scrolling thru each item thinking I will get to the end and find my work deleted. It wasn't. I again felt that embarrassment, that others would be looking at what I did. A couple of weeks have passed and I can not bare to look my boss in the eye or speak with him, waiting for that horrible comment.

Well, yes, part of my drive to lose weight this time and keep is off is the need for conformity. My work place is threatening to increase insurance premiums for any employee who does not "live a healthy lifestyle." At this point, failure to live a "healthy lifestyle" includes anyone who smokes and anyone who is overweight. Because a majority of administrators are also heavy drinkers, alcohol use is not mentioned in terms of healthy or unhealthy behavior.

So, this is a new issue at work? I know that insurance companies analyze people, their habits, their health, and the risk factors each person have, smoking, drinking, weight, illegal drugs, etc. It really does make one wonder. You mention your work place threatening to increase premiums if employees do not live a healthy life style. But, I wonder just how they come up with those stats of what is healthy. I mean I was 250 lbs several years ago, I smoked, never drank, and had high blood pressure. I remember looking at several other employees comparing myself to them..we had men in their 60's who weren't over weight, didn't exercise, didn't smoke, and suddenly had major heart attacks needing triple bypass surgery. Then, there were the "skinny" employees who smoked, had high blood pressure, but also drank. I always looked at those employees and felt I was less a "risk" than they were because of the drinking..besides health effects, there was the risk of drunk driving with accidents etc. Our employer is now also looking at having to enforce rules that they were ignoring for years. While it is not for insurance, it is health related as each employee must now pass a complete physical and can no longer go to the dr group that our employer has used for years..they must pass a standardized physical and all requirements will be enforced. We have a high rate of older employees (age 70+), employees who weight 350lbs+ (12 of them), and almost half of our employees smoke. The weight requirements are now going to be enforced by the government, you have to be able to pick up and carry 50lbs, and you will have to pass a stress test. The majority of employees are in a panic. Even though our boss has tried for the past 5 years to offer weight loss clubs, exercise groups, and supportive lectures, no one else has taken advantage of them and now they are all up in arms over having to drop 100-150 lbs at least by May when the enforced standards take effect. It is scary. I know that a couple of years ago I wouldn't have passed either and my job would be in jeopardy, I've quite smoking, no longer high blood pressure, and now fit in the normal range of weight.

Because a majority of administrators are also heavy drinkers, alcohol use is not mentioned in terms of healthy or unhealthy behavior.

Isn't it odd that many people say that they are healthy when they are really heavy drinkers? I mean drinking can ruin your liver, cause chronic pancreatitis, and in our case at work causes many employees to call in sick Monday after a weekend of partying and posting embarrassing photos on facebook.

f I am not successful enough in this program, I will be forced to either undergo major surgery to have my digestive tract permanently mutilated in order to reach the goals set by my employer or look for another, potentially lower paid job without retirement or health benefits. At age 50, my prospects are not good (another societal conformity issue called ageism).

I agree that you sound as if you are well educated and professional. I hate to think that you would have to put your body thru surgery in order to fit the guidelines set up. I had looked at weight loss surgery when I was 250. I had insurance then, thru my husband, and it was denied. I remember being devastated. I want to have gastic bypass. After that was denied I went into a deep depression. I felt totally confused as the insurance company wanted me to drop the weight but wouldnt' help me do so because they didn't want to pay for the surgery. I lost the weight on my own, then applied to the insurance company to help cover the cost of removing aprons of old skin. There was a genuine medical reason to have the skin removed, infections, hygiene, sore back, fitting into clothes, just to name a few, yet they denied that as well. It seems that my insurance company just didn't want to cover anything I did to fit their health guideline.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job at focusing on the physical and mental aspects of losing the weight. You are inspirational and don't forget to celebrate yourself! :hug:

Have you noticed any issues whatsoever with the harsh calorie cut causing any binge issues, the want or need? Does it trigger anything, or does the cutting calories still keep you strictly in check?

This is one of the reasons I'm scheduled to see a psychologist. I need to work out these issues so this time, the weight loss sticks.

Have you been seeing the psychologist you mentioned, and if so has it helped? I grew up in a similar situation as you, only it was an older cousin. I often felt as an adult intimidated and scared at attention from men. I always kept on a few extra pounds as a teen and early 20's. I remember feeling that it was a safety blanket because most men wanted skinny and perfect. After I married and had children I kept that weight on as well. I felt so self conscious and alone. I felt people would leave me alone, ignore me, men wouldn't make me feel awkward because they wouldn't be interested in me. I went thru a divorce and I remember being relieved that I was FAT because no one asked me if I planned on dating.:o People do not generally look at overweight people sexually. I was shocked when my now husband wouldn't take no for an answer, even at my heaviest weight. I was still at 240 when we married years later. I didn't drop my weight for him, but for myself years later. There are some people that will look past appearances and get to know you overweight or not.

I hope things continue to go well for you, keep up your hard work and know that you are doing this for you. Even your losing weight began with a threat of insurance issues, you will still be the one that reaps the health benefits. You are very smart to also speak of seeing a therapist during the journey. I wish I had done that before. I didn't conquer my binge eating the last time I lost weight, or the emotional issues I carried. I hope to read more about how wonderful you are doing. Don't let co-workers stress you over what you are or are not eating. Know that everyone here can relate to you and are here to support you :bravo:

worththeeffort2
02-08-2014, 09:57 PM
Have you noticed any issues whatsoever with the harsh calorie cut causing any binge issues, the want or need? Does it trigger anything, or does the cutting calories still keep you strictly in check?

The first three weeks of the ketosis program, I did struggle with breaking my habit of overeating and binging. One of the benefits of ketosis is that the high amount of protein prevents you from being hungry. Being off sugar and carbs (though I miss them), has removed my worst binge triggers. The fact that I am being faithful to staying on the program and eating every three hours, is also helping me stay on track.

Have you been seeing the psychologist you mentioned, and if so has it helped?

Yes, it does help to have someone to talk to who doesn't have anything to do with other parts of my life. I can talk things out and leave it behind me without any concerns that someone will throw something in my face down the road. She's also provided me with mindful eating journals that help guide our sessions. If your health care insurance will cover it, I do strongly recommend finding a therapist you can talk with. It helps to have someone you have no emotional involvement with bring a different perspective to issues that bother you.

I hope things continue to go well for you, keep up your hard work and know that you are doing this for you.

Thanks! I appreciate it. You know, it is never too late to ask for the help you need. Since you feel you're struggling with depression and poor self-esteem, think about taking control of your situation and reaching out to your doctor as the first step to getting some help. Fight for yourself because you matter. Do it for yourself.

worththeeffort2
02-22-2014, 09:47 PM
So excited, all day, by reaching a 50 pound weight loss. Next week is my official weigh-in at the doctor's office. I've got a long way to go but I'm inspired to stay on track. In fact, I'm looking forward to warmer weather and getting outside for my workouts.

mainecyn
02-22-2014, 10:33 PM
So excited, all day, by reaching a 50 pound weight loss. Next week is my official weigh-in at the doctor's office. I've got a long way to go but I'm inspired to stay on track. In fact, I'm looking forward to warmer weather and getting outside for my workouts.

Wow! 50 pounds, you have lost more than most people could ever think to. You really need to remind yourself what an accomplishment. Think of all those people that can not even drop 5 pounds, and look what you have done.:carrot: