Weight Loss Support - Husband told me I'm too fat for his office chair




JollyGreenSteen19
05-30-2013, 06:20 PM
So we're in the process of selling my husband and his brother's house that we currently live in so we can buy our own house. I'll start off my saying I've been married for 2 years now and it's definitely not been the easiest marriage I could imagine. I'm only 23 and have been struggling with thoughts of divorce constantly. I'm unhappy at my job and have been battling depression a lot in the last six months or so. Anyways, the point being, my husband's old office chair was a total P.O.S. and fugly/falling apart, so we decided it was finally time to replace it. Today we were cleaning up to show our house in a few days and I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the old office chair... there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.

Needless to say since then I have been sobbing uncontrollably. Just sort of a feeling in general of just wanting to die. My husband knows I'm sensitive, and he should know my weight is the most sensitive thing in my life right now, and that is NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY TO YOUR WIFE. Holy balls.

Anyways I know weight limits are on there for a reason. I have been using our step ladder, which ahd a weight limit of like 225 lbs I think for awhile and it's never so much as swayed. Same with my stationary bike.

I know there's a reasoning for "oh it's hard to hear but someone has to tell you" but seriously in my opinion that is UNACCEPTABLE that you would be more worried about your new office chair breaking under the weight of your hippo wife than her feelings in general. I know I have a weight problem, I know the restrictions it causes, it's not an overnight thing to deal with. I am seriously doubting my plans on buying a house with this man. If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.


Gonna Get There Soon
05-30-2013, 06:31 PM
Well I'm just going to be frank...that was a real douche bag thing of him to say and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Now the question remains...what are you going to do about it?
I like to take things like that and turn them into sheer motivation!! Whether you stay with this dude or not......my Grandma has always said "The best revenge is living well"... actually a quote from George Herbert...but my grandma said it better. :)
We can't change people's behavior..but we CAN change our reaction to their behavior! Turn your hurt feelings into motivation!

I'm sorry he said that...that just plain sucks.

JollyGreenSteen19
05-30-2013, 06:41 PM
GonnaGetTHere- thank you. It's nice when someone can just reassure me that it was a douche move. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this motivation. I like the quote, it's a good one for sure. I'm just going to be selfish and live for myself for awhile. It's one of those things, like when someone breaks your trust, hearing that from him totally crushed me. I don't think I'm going to recover and regain the intimacy any time soon.


joefla70
05-30-2013, 06:52 PM
So we're in the process of selling my husband and his brother's house that we currently live in so we can buy our own house. I'll start off my saying I've been married for 2 years now and it's definitely not been the easiest marriage I could imagine. I'm only 23 and have been struggling with thoughts of divorce constantly. I'm unhappy at my job and have been battling depression a lot in the last six months or so. Anyways, the point being, my husband's old office chair was a total P.O.S. and fugly/falling apart, so we decided it was finally time to replace it. Today we were cleaning up to show our house in a few days and I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the old office chair... there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.

Needless to say since then I have been sobbing uncontrollably. Just sort of a feeling in general of just wanting to die. My husband knows I'm sensitive, and he should know my weight is the most sensitive thing in my life right now, and that is NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY TO YOUR WIFE. Holy balls.

Anyways I know weight limits are on there for a reason. I have been using our step ladder, which ahd a weight limit of like 225 lbs I think for awhile and it's never so much as swayed. Same with my stationary bike.

I know there's a reasoning for "oh it's hard to hear but someone has to tell you" but seriously in my opinion that is UNACCEPTABLE that you would be more worried about your new office chair breaking under the weight of your hippo wife than her feelings in general. I know I have a weight problem, I know the restrictions it causes, it's not an overnight thing to deal with. I am seriously doubting my plans on buying a house with this man. If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.

You're absolutely right about the weight comments he made. So I won't even go further on that one.

But something struck me about what you said about your marriage. You said that if you weren't married you'd already be out the door. If I may ask, what is keeping you married to him? Is it a sense of duty because you take your marriage vows very seriously? Or do you think that you still love him, but you just need to work things out? Because if you don't love him --- or each other -- anymore, I don't know if you are doing each other any favors by staying together. You are so very young. Heck, I was 30 when I got married. If you want to start your life over, you can! You don't owe it to anybody to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy. I'm guessing you do not have kids together because you said that the only thing keeping you from walking out the door is being married. If that's the case, then so much the easier. I'm not saying just give up on your marriage if you think you still love him and you can make it work. But if you are miserable in your marriage and have been contemplating divorce for a while during your 2 year marriage, then maybe its the right thing to do. I think you are right in being hesitant to buy a house with him while you feel the way you do.

PreciousMissy
05-30-2013, 07:16 PM
If we weren't married I'd be gone out the door right now, fingers in the air, starting my life over.

So, long story short, my current boyfriend once said something similar (not exactly, but same jist) during one of our rare fights (he was taught by his ex to fight dirty...we've since worked it out that dirty fighting is not allowed) and my response was that if he really felt that way then he should go, why prolong the inevitable.

I agree with Joe, if you really feel this way don't make it any harder on either of you. I was married for 13 years. 3 years in I started regretting getting married.

I honestly am not trying to break you two up, it would be wonderful if you weren't having these feelings, but life is too short to be miserable.

thnknthin1
05-30-2013, 07:24 PM
I second what joe and missy have told you......you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, time to do some soul searching and find out what you want to do. Life is definitely too short to be miserable. I also might add, been there done that, best decision I ever made was to leave, now with the best husband I could ever ask for. :hug:

gamechanger
05-30-2013, 07:26 PM
Well, I can't give any marital advice, but I can tell you that your husband's comment was way out of bounds--foul. (Yes, it's baseball season.) But seriously, I think GonnaGet's question is very relevant: What are you going to do about it? Keep in mind that you can't change your husband. Only God can to that. You need to take his barbed comments and use them to fuel your motivation to improve your life. Whether or not that improved life includes your husband is entirely up to you. But as my granddaddy use to say, "Use wisdom when considering your next step."

Health Nut
05-30-2013, 07:27 PM
I don't if I should be saying this, but if you have nothing that's tying you down with him (kids, or other matters) then my decision would be seriously thinking about leaving him. If you are sad THAT often and not happy enough, then he's definitely not the right person for you and there will come a day where you'll regret staying more than recalling THIS and suddenly missing him. If you're not with someone who makes you happy way more often than upset, then it's not worth it AT ALL.

Arctic Mama
05-30-2013, 07:28 PM
See, I might be hearing that differently. But there are weight limits on equipment and chairs, and him telling that to you is the truth. Would you rather have it break under you? I know that is horribly embarrassing, and for me would be worse than having my (lighter than me when I began) spouse tell me so I could avoid the situation entirely.

You're saying he 'should' know that this is the most sensitive part of your life right now - why should he know? Did you explicitly tell him? And I hate to say it, but I'm hearing you rephrasing the encounter and attributing a lot of insult and motivation to it that was nowhere in the original wording you gave us. Now, that doesn't mean he wasn't being disdainful or rude, but you could well be driving yourself crazy AND damaging your marriage by ascribing things to yor husband and his motives that aren't there. Heathy relationships require explicit and loving communication as well as believing the absolute best of one another. NEVER assume motivation or intent, because then your mind can just keep rolling and create conflict and separation where none actually need be.

Now. That doesn't mean your marriage isn't in trouble, he might have been unkind, or that you two both need serious communication help. But can you recognize that whether this is about your weight or not, he may well have been in a difficult situation with the chair and your size? That there was no nice way to proceed given that it does have capacity limits and not ones he set, but the manufacturer did?

I know that can be horribly painful to endure, it's one of the many downsides of being fat and one that can cause us intense embarassment. But blaming that on your husband, or his poor communication, may be missing that there was no good way to deal with the subject at all and he could very well have been trying his best to help by informing you BEFORE the other chair was trashed that it would be prudent to keep it, since the new one might not be suitable for you. I just don't think remaining silent to spare your feelings and then letting it possibly break underneath you is a whole lot more kind than what he tried to do. I say this as a neural third party, I could be way off base!

You indicate you're in a low spot and have been battling depression. I'm so sorry to hear that, and I'm sure this just felt like insult to injury. But - and I say this gently - realize that when you're feeling that way your feelings are lying to you, coloring every experience with emotion that isn't a healthy response or necessarily accurate given the situation. I know when I am depressed or stressed I blow things incredibly out of proportion and can't see the forest for the trees, because I'm stuck in my own hole. It isn't the fault of my husband or kids, or a result of anything they said, and I need to remember not to blame them when I'm not responding in a sensible or self controlled way. This may not apply to you at all, but it is amazing how myopic our emotions can make us, blinding us to both facts and the feelings of others, too.

I can't give any advice on your relationship, only hearing your side of the story. But I do know that marital communication, especially on sensitive topics, works best when we assume nothing and don't read into what is being said more than is absolutely necessary. This sounds less about a chair and more about your insecurities - which are valid and need to be addressed - but perhaps doing it directly in conversation is more healthy and loving toward your spouse than divulging it to strangers on the Internet?

I wish you the best, please take this in the spirit intended :hug:

hhm6
05-30-2013, 07:43 PM
:hug: I would be hurt if someone close to me told me that too. Even if it's the truth, I feel that weight in general is a very sensitive topic for those overweight or underweight.

I think you're smart for thinking twice about buying the house with him when you're having doubts right now. I think you owe it to yourself to be happy, whether it is working with him on your marriage or going your separate ways. Either way, I hope things work out! :hug:

elvislover324
05-30-2013, 07:45 PM
:hug: Hugs Jolly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know from some previous posts that you have been having a tough time lately and you referenced it again here. I don't have any words of wisdom for you that hasn't been said above but wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I think you have some serious thinking about what you want to do and we are here for you to chat with if you need to (we are only weightloss experts but we try to help with everything ;) ). You are a young, beautiful woman and you deserve nothing but the best things out of life. And if he's not the man for you, that's ok. There is a whole world of good ones out there. :hug:

kaplods
05-30-2013, 08:15 PM
What would you have wanted to say? Nothing, and allow you to possibly be injured.

If you're sure he wanted to hurt you, dump the turdball, but I don't understand the "let's pretend I'm tiny" game that so many women expect their family and friends to play (usually without the rules or expectations of the game ever being divulged, because the main rule is apparently mind-reading).

I've broken chairs and fallen and hurt myself, once very nearly seriously, and I'd much rather admit I'm fat and use that knowledge (and I'd rather have someone I love and trust remind me if I forget, so I don't hurt myself).

Who bought the chair, and why didn't you discuss making sure any new furniture be safe for you both. If it's because of the unspoken "let's pretend" game or because you or your husband didn't take your weight into consideration (or because your hub doesn't know your weight), I think that's pure foolishness.

My husband and I are both ginormously fat, and we've had to occasionally warn each other of risks we weren't seeing. The "let's pretend we're tiny" game would have only made the situation worse, possibly resulting in serious injury. I love my husband too much to let him get hurt by pretending a fiction about his size or ability and I know he feels the same (and I've had to hear some very painful observations about not only my size, but also my cognitive capacity during flares of my fibromyalgia. If you think it's painful to hear you might break a fragile chair, imagine how painful it would be yo hear, "please don't use the stove while I'm gone, you 're flaring and I'm afraid you'll burn the house down.".

Personally I get a bit offended when people play the pretend game with me by telling me I'm not fat. It's as if I'm not good enough for them as I am, they have to pretend I'm skinny to be good enough - and do they think I'm too stupid to know how big I am? I'm fat, and that's nothing to be sensitive or ashamed about, especially when safety is involved. I'd much rather my husband warn me about the weight limits on a chair ( and he has many times - even publicly to the horror of friends and strangers) than have me hurt myself over the let's pretend game. Although we also would never buy a chair without discussing is safety for each of us, and that includes our weight and body proportions (hubby weighs more than I, but has a much smaller butt and hips).

Currently we do have separate office chairs, because we have different preferences, but even so we discussed the purchases together.

As I said, I don't know if your husband is a jerk, and I can't guess from your post, but I would highly recommend couples counseling and individual counseling so you can learn to communicate and work together - or to learn whether you even want to.

I would recommend you read Fat? So?, The Fat Girl's Guide to Life, Health at Every Size, and Big, Big Love. They're fat positive books (the message isn't stay fat - it's fat isn't blame-and-shame worthy).

I know the "let's pretend we're tiny" game is accepted and even expected and even considered the only polite option our culture, but it's damaging and dangerous, and does a disservice to not only fat people, but also those who love us, implying that we're too weak or stupid to be trusted with the truth, and that fat is such an unspeakable evil that it must never be spoken, not even by or to loved ones, not even when injury might result.

I know this isn't a popular or common sentiment, but I also believe that 's why in part, that obesity rates are so high and weight loss success rates so low. How can you address a situation that you can't even acknowledge existing?

Natasha1534
05-30-2013, 08:31 PM
If you've only been married for 2 years and have struggled w/ thoughts of divorce constantly, I really have to question why you got married in the first place. I have long been wondering when we lost the "courtship" part of relationships. I'm not saying you rushed in to marriage...but it seems to be the norm these days. A friend of mine got engaged after dating his fiancee just under a year. Everybody's response??? "ABOUT TIME!" What??? That's just long enough to get to know each other and start getting annoyed by the things you initially thought was "cute."

I guess I'm old fashioned...I believe that when you marry someone, it's meant to be forever. Not a "meh, if I don't like it, we'll just divorce" type thing. I have no issues w/ dating a man for several years before we consider marriage...but all my friends are upset if they don't have a ring w/in 6 months.

Umm...that was a sorta off-topic rant. Anyway, my point being...if you think it's worth saving, try to save your marriage. If you don't, chalk it up as a learning experience and be more careful the next time around. Your husband's comment, while insensitive, was truthful. If spouses can't be honest w/ each other, who can?

Candeka
05-30-2013, 08:35 PM
I would have only seen what he said as an issue if it was said to hurt you. If he was just saying it as a fact or statement, why be mad? It's the truth. If he was saying it to purposely hurt you, then that is not okay.

Joil
05-30-2013, 08:36 PM
Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.

Mozzy
05-30-2013, 08:39 PM
Hugs

That is unacceptable in my opinion. He has no business treating you that way!

Hugs

Natasha1534
05-30-2013, 08:41 PM
Also, you need to have the backbone to stand up for yourself if he hurts your feelings. My ex, who I now believe dates bigger girls simply b/c he thinks we'll put up w/ his crap and be happy that someone is paying attention to us, used to make comments when upset w/ me. He'd tell me that my butt was too big...I'd tell him if he isn't man enough to handle it, let me know, and I'll find someone who can. He'd tell me that my nose was too large and he wished he could cut it off...I'd tell him it was a shame I didn't have the same issue w/ him having anything too big for me to deal with. ;) Eventually I dumped him...and I understand his new girlfriend is having a similar issue w/ him.

kaplods
05-30-2013, 09:06 PM
Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.


Unfortunately tone doesn't always correlate with intention, which is harder to determine.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I had great difficulty communicating. We argued often because I didn't like his tone, and he would accuse me of refusing to communicate openly and honesty. What I saw as tact and polite wording, he saw as avoiding, hiding, and sugar-coating what I was really thinking, and what I didn't like about his tone was his refusal to use tact and sugar-coating.

We both had to learn to understand and respect the other's natural style of communication without assuming the worst. We had to trust each other and talk about everything openly including what we were thinking that we didn't want the other to know we were thinking.

That kind of communication is extremely difficult, but it's so worth it. I started being less judgemental about imperfect tone, when my husband told me how hurt he was when I complained about his tone or wording. He said, "whenever there's two ways I could have meant something, couldn't you assume I mean the loving one?" And with tone, I would try to explain what his words sounded like to me (usually by exaggerating the tone) and his eyes would tear up or he'd get angry and say "do you really think I said/meant it that way).

Tone is important, but intention is even more important, but to get at that, you both have to be willing and able to communicate openly and honestly.

35X35
05-30-2013, 09:08 PM
I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings. You know you're fat, right? Of course you do, Do you need him to point it out to you in such an insensitive way? Of course not. I personally think he was being a jerk. I don't think anyone was playing the "I'm tiny" game. I think wives are more important than chairs and my husband of nearly 15 years would let me break 10 chairs (and replace them happily) before hurting my feelings like that. For the record, at my largest I never broke a chair so the OP is probably safe. I'm sure the OP is literate and could have read the weight recommendations herself and made an informed decision therein. I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.

Marriage is supposed to be a soft place to land. My husband doesn't lie to me, but he is kind. He knows that I know I am large -- he doesn't need to point it out to me and never has. It's one of many things I adore about him. Every woman deserves a man to love her for who she is -- especially since he obviously married you at a larger size. Why do you allow him to treat you with such callousness? You can get that crap from strangers and people in the world. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic. (ETA: my husband is 'regular' sized and is drop-dead gorgeous -- just for reference sake.)

ChickieChicks
05-30-2013, 09:17 PM
Unfortunately tone doesn't always correlate with intention, which is harder to determine.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I had great difficulty communicating. We argued often because I didn't like his tone, and he would accuse me of refusing to communicate openly and honesty. What I saw as tact and polite wording, he saw as avoiding, hiding, and sugar-coating what I was really thinking, and what I didn't like about his tone was his refusal to use tact and sugar-coating.

We both had to learn to understand and respect the other's natural style of communication without assuming the worst. We had to trust each other and talk about everything openly including what we were thinking that we didn't want the other to know we were thinking.

That kind of communication is extremely difficult, but it's so worth it. I started being less judgemental about imperfect tone, when my husband told me how hurt he was when I complained about his tone or wording. He said, "whenever there's two ways I could have meant something, couldn't you assume I mean the loving one?" And with tone, I would try to explain what his words sounded like to me (usually by exaggerating the tone) and his eyes would tear up or he'd get angry and say "do you really think I said/meant it that way).

Tone is important, but intention is even more important, but to get at that, you both have to be willing and able to communicate openly and honestly.

Yes! Such great observation and advice! I like to tell younger friends in the beginning of their marriage: men are not mind readers!l but the truth is, none of us are, but we usually act in a way that blames the other person for any disagreement.

My hubby and I have worked for years and year on communication. I also do the "very exaggerated rephrasing" of what I THINK he said, while not blaming him or freaking out. We also frequently put expectations flat out on the table. I don't understand the "romance" of trying to guess what the other person wants/needs. After years of establishing patterns of behavior and likes/dislikes, we are at the stage where we can pretty accurately GUESS, in terms of a gift, food preference, etc. But I'll be darned if we still shock the you-know-what out of each other all the time during our discussions.

And I love the previously stated concept of not assigning motive to words and actions that you have not done. Always try to assume the BEST, calmly talk it out, and 9 times out of 10, it really does work out. Plus now you've learned even more valuable info about one another. Repeat, repeat, repeat!!

I am very sorry that your feelings were hurt. Mine would be, too. Be he didn't hurt your feelings. You allowed something he said to be taken as negative. We are all guilty of this constantly! Congrats...you are human! Depression is a mean beast, and it does color your world grey. I hope you can speak with your doctor, a counselor or a trusted friend about options for managing your depression. It can be very nearly impossible to solve other issues without dealing with that.

:hug:

ChickieChicks
05-30-2013, 09:19 PM
I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings. You know you're fat, right? Of course you do, Do you need him to point it out to you in such an insensitive way? Of course not. I personally think he was being a jerk. I don't think anyone was playing the "I'm tiny" game. I think wives are more important than chairs and my husband of nearly 15 years would let me break 10 chairs (and replace them happily) before hurting my feelings like that. For the record, at my largest I never broke a chair so the OP is probably safe. I'm sure the OP is literate and could have read the weight recommendations herself and made an informed decision therein. I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.

Marriage is supposed to be a soft place to land. My husband doesn't lie to me, but he is kind. He knows that I know I am large -- he doesn't need to point it out to me and never has. It's one of many things I adore about him. Every woman deserves a man to love her for who she is -- especially since he obviously married you at a larger size. Why do you allow him to treat you with such callousness? You can get that crap from strangers and people in the world. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic. (ETA: my husband is 'regular' sized and is drop-dead gorgeous -- just for reference sake.)

By letting you figuratively break 10 chairs....he would be lying to you by omission. That is the "lets pretend I am tiny game", is it not?

kaplods
05-30-2013, 09:26 PM
I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings...
I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.



If he had been "clearly" trying to hurt her feelings, there would not have been the long pause OP described, and he would not have started with, "There's no easy way to say this".

Op should know his intentions better than any of us - which I alluded to by telling her to "dump the turdball" if she knew his intention was to wound.

Unfortunately I have broken several chairs and have been injured by those chairs (and twice by laminate wood toilet seats - and the second time had to ask hubby to remove the splinters from my inner thigh - now that's unconditional love).

One chair fall at work could have injured me severely, because the chair broke in such a way that a jagged piece of metal cut me deeply along my arm from mybwrist halfway to my elbow. I twizted my ankle and reinjured my back as well (filing the workman's comp forms was deeply embarassing, but I couldn't get around that because I had to leave to get medical treatment. Even worse, HR had to send an "ergonomics team" to my workstation to "teach me" how to sit in a chair properly and asked my weight and measure me - all in front of my coworkers, so they could order me a chair that would "meet my special needs."

35X35
05-30-2013, 09:50 PM
Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it because it just would never happen here -- admittedly, I know how blessed I am to have the husband I do. Maybe I'm way too sensitive to it because if my husband told me not to sit in "his" chair because I'm too fat for it and would break it, it would be absolutely *shocking* to me because that's never been his way. His way would have been to purchase a chair we both could enjoy to avoid possibly hurting me, and I'm so grateful for that. Every woman deserves that, and I pray that for you OP.

35X35
05-30-2013, 09:52 PM
I'm so sorry those things happened to you, Kaplods. That's terrible :( . I was just speaking in the context of how I felt the husband's intention was in saying that. I don't think it was coming from a place of unconditional love, but hey, I don't know the entire story or marriage. I hope you understand I am empathetic to what you've shared, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

kaplods
05-30-2013, 09:56 PM
I don't accept that referring to a person's size has anything to do with criticism or the presence or absence of unconditional love or acceptance, anymore than referring to height or shoe size.

When I first began dating my husband, I had to undo a lot of psychological damage previous women had done to him with trick questions and various versions of the "let's pretend" game. I thought I had broken him of the habit of thinking I was too emotionally fragile and delicate to accept honesty, and every once in a while I still see that panicked, deer-in-headlight stare.

Recently, we were at Walmart, and I realized I had forgotten to put on deodorant. I could smell my own B.O. but wanted to know if it was noticeable to others. leaned to my husband and asked him if I smelled, and the look he shot me was pure shock and rage. I tried to joke, saying with a smile, "Well, I think that answers my question."

Instead of breaking the tension as I'd hoped, he became enraged and wouldn't speak or even look at me until we were in the car. He had tears in his eyes and demanded "How could you put me in that position."

He literally thought I was "setting him up" with a no-win question so I could be angry with him for being a jerk. You could just SEE the broken-heartedness in his face.

This is the same guy whose mother tried to talk me out of marrying because he was just like his tactless, Narcissistic, SOB father, her ex-husband.

I'll take my honest-to-a-fault husband over one who will tell me whatever I want to hear regardless of the truth.

elvislover324
05-30-2013, 10:00 PM
Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it because it just would never happen here -- admittedly, I know how blessed I am to have the husband I do. Maybe I'm way too sensitive to it because if my husband told me not to sit in "his" chair because I'm too fat for it and would break it, it would be absolutely *shocking* to me because that's never been his way. His way would have been to purchase a chair we both could enjoy to avoid possibly hurting me, and I'm so grateful for that. Every woman deserves that, and I pray that for you OP.

I could have written this post. I always assume that everyone has a husband just like I do (the most amazing, caring, sweet man in the world) and then when I hear what my friends and family go through, I know how very blessed I am.

wannaskipandlaugh
05-30-2013, 10:10 PM
Jolly..... Maybe you and your husband should sit and have a quiet moment with each other. Ask him to really listen to you (kindly said) and tell him that he really hurt your feelings. If he responds in a kind sincere manner, then he really most likely did not mean it. But if he acts any way that is hurtful or rude... well then you have your answer. I don't know what your conversations have been in your relationship or if you know each others triggers and push them sometimes.... - but you have been with him for a few years.. there must have been and hopefully still is a connection... But again... if he chooses to not listen or responds incorrectly to what you are trying so hard for him to understand.. then...................

Lecomtes
05-30-2013, 10:19 PM
"...respect of being my own literate woman capable of deciding what chair I will or won't sit in, OR have bought a chair we both can comfortable enjoy."
^This is what it boils down to. Not saying his words merit divorce, but they were at the very least thoughtless...and obviously hurtful regardless of their intention. Just MO here, but I would say, speak with your husband honestly, frankly, and calmly about your feelings...if that is not possible than perhaps there are bigger issues that need to be addressed. I'm sorry you were hurt. Hug.

35X35
05-30-2013, 10:24 PM
I'll take my honest-to-a-fault husband over one who will tell me whatever I want to hear regardless of the truth.

But I think the difference is Kaplods, that the OP didn't ask (like you did in your deodorant example). When I ask, my husband is honest with me. I don't need to ask him if I am overweight... I already know :P LOL So, to me him pointing it out in a way that hurts my feelings would be a jerk thing to do (and would never happen because he isn't at all like that). I have asked him if an outfit looked better on me than another or if X outfit was more flattering than Y -- and he is totally honest with me. I've asked him if he thought I would fit in a ride or whatever, and he is totally honest with me -- usually saying that we'll check out someone my size going first and if we agree they're my size and can make it, so can I. Stuff like that. In a kind, loving way. He doesn't just "tell me whatever I want to hear" but gives me respect enough not to offer unsolicited opinions on issues that are sensitive to me. I do the same. We trust that each are grown, capable adults able to see ourselves clearly in the mirror and don't need someone pointing out the obvious in a hurtful way.

I think the bottom line issue to me is that we consider each other in this marriage. If my husband was mad tall (he's average height) I would consider furniture and whatnot that helped him be comfortable. I wouldn't buy a miniature car. I would put the car seat behind my seat because I'm short and let him move it back for leg room. Same with me. My husband would have totally gotten the larger capacity chair without me even knowing (I mean, until I saw it). Just because he is considerate of who I am. We don't "claim" furniture for ourselves then tell others we are too _____ for it. It's just not part of our marriage to be that way. If the deodorant thing happened, he would tell me, no biggie. Again though, that's not an issue most people spend decades coming to terms or acceptance about so it's a bit different. LOL

35X35
05-30-2013, 10:29 PM
I could have written this post. I always assume that everyone has a husband just like I do (the most amazing, caring, sweet man in the world) and then when I hear what my friends and family go through, I know how very blessed I am.

For real. We are blessed.

elvislover324
05-30-2013, 10:39 PM
When I ask, my husband is honest with me. I don't need to ask him if I am overweight... I already know :P LOL So, to me him pointing it out in a way that hurts my feelings would be a jerk thing to do (and would never happen because he isn't at all like that). I have asked him if an outfit looked better on me than another or if X outfit was more flattering than Y -- and he is totally honest with me. I've asked him if he thought I would fit in a ride or whatever, and he is totally honest with me -- usually saying that we'll check out someone my size going first and if we agree they're my size and can make it, so can I. Stuff like that. In a kind, loving way. He doesn't just "tell me whatever I want to hear" but gives me respect enough not to offer unsolicited opinions on issues that are sensitive to me. I do the same. We trust that each are grown, capable adults able to see ourselves clearly in the mirror and don't need someone pointing out the obvious in a hurtful way.


Seriously, your husband has to be my husband's twin. :) I ask my husband all those questions and compare me to others for size reference (not in a mean way, just for size comparison when it matters), I trust my husband's opinion on my clothes fitting right, etc.

To be honest, I trust my husband with these things 100x more than anyone in my family or any of my girlfriends.

kaplods
05-30-2013, 10:56 PM
I'm so sorry those things happened to you, Kaplods. That's terrible :( . I was just speaking in the context of how I felt the husband's intention was in saying that. I don't think it was coming from a place of unconditional love, but hey, I don't know the entire story or marriage. I hope you understand I am empathetic to what you've shared, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.


There's no need to feel sorry, because I don't - and I don't see them as terrible. Inconvenient? Annoying? Mildly embarrassing? LMAO funny? Well, yeah... now... but not terrible, and that's my real point. It was a little embarrassing, but even at the time I joked about it, because I had NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And probably because I'm not ashamed of my size, and because of my awesome hubby (who I can envision saying something similar without meaning it hatefully) I'm more likely to assume the best of op's hubby. I trust that she can figure out whether her hubby is a poopnugget, or simply misunderstood. I just wanted to say that from the information given, I don't see poopnugget as the only option.

My hubby has almost no filter. What he thinks, very likely will come out of his mouth. If he said, "I don't want you breaking my chair," I'd be annoyed, but I probably would respond the same way as a more tactful response or something like "I'm not sure this chair will support you. " In either case (because I am an independent adult), I would say, "We should really take it back to the store and get something we both can use."

I tend to assume the best in people for a very practical reason... it makes my life easier and more pleasant. I don't expect anyone, not even myself to say the most perfectly diplomatic thing all the time (or ever).

That reflects my upbringing, I'm sure. I love my mom, but she had a terrible time seeing any communication with her as noncritical. Literally, anything you said could be interpreted as heartless and critical, which is emotionally exhausting for everyone.

My hubby does tend to be overprotective of not only me, but his stuff too. He'll often "warn" me to be careful near his desk because he has painted figures on his desk - or he'll treat me like a child, because of my illness (memory and judgement become impaired when I am flaring - deeply embarrassing). I often have to stand firm and remind him that am an adult and still capable of making decisions.

I do get angry and annoyed with him for trying to "micromanage" my life at times, but I lovingly tell him to butt out and he usually does. I would never divorce him over such a (to me) trivial fault.

To me, it sounds like OP and her husband are having the same problem my husband and I had in the early years of our marriage... And having BA and MA degrees in psychology and a strong interest and job experiences focused on communication, I thought I was ahead of the game... nope, it was still very difficult merging two lives alone into one life together.

In my experience working with people with relationship difficulties, most marriages and other long-term relationships do not break up over intentional cruelty or lack of respect or even lack of love... it's generally over mis-communication and unrealistic expectations of one another. It's in all the ways in which we choose to to interpret (often misinterpreting) words, actions, facial expressions... and what they mean.

And somehow "the chair may not support you," becomes, "I don't want you to break MY new chair, you fat, ugly *****, you don't deserve to sit in a nice , new chair - you can use the old piece of crap, you pitiful witch. I hate you, you've ruined my life."

To be clear, I'm not saying you or OP are saying that, but unfortunately it is a pattern that isn't rare. Without more information, I think one explanation (the comment was innocent) is as likely as another (that he's turdboy).

The place to determine which isn't here, it's between OP and her husband, ideally in counseling.

SuperHeroTeacher
05-30-2013, 11:06 PM
So I don't have any advice to give, because I think you've gotten a lot of great advice (from both sides of the argument) already from some pretty awesome posters.

I may be a tad bit off topic, but as a teacher who has seen what dysfunctional marriages do to kids, please, please, please, I implore you not to have children with this man unless you get your issues worked out, preferably with a professional therapist's help.

JollyGreenSteen19
05-31-2013, 01:52 AM
I really wanted to thank all of you for your discussion and numerous responses - it really touched me. I thought for the inquiring minds I would clear a few things up

My husband isn't a poop nugget (LOL so great), I've been with him almost 7 years total and I do really love him and am very committed to upholding our marriage vows. I wouldn't call him abusive or manipulative. I do think however he has a serious jerk streak, especially when he's tired or annoyed and then it's been like he has it out for me. It's something I have been seeing a lot since we got married. I think what hurt the most about today is that it was COMPLETELY unexpected. We weren't even talking about my weight. He has never once commented to me about my weight, we've had some hairy moments about it together (not fitting into any amusement park rides etc). I mean there's no pretending,I have a log in our bathroom with my weight on it from every week. He knows I want to lose weight and the steps I take, I share with him my weigh in successes, etc. There's absolutely no need for a "talk" about the problem.

Basically all I did was ask while we were cleaning "so your old computer chair, you want me to throw it out or what?" which led to an awkward pause and then him telling me there's a weight limit on the new chair and that I'm probably not going to be able to use it once it gets moved up to the office. It was unprovoked and unnecessary.

I will put it in here that a few hours later, he came downstairs and told me he was out of line and he said what he said without thinking. It was nice however I'm just as angry about it, for me an apology doesn't always mean a whole lot - I'll take it but it doesn't change the fact that he did it and that "trust" for him to be my "safe spot" is ruined for awhile.

My husband is the kind of insanely overcautious person - to a fault. He worries about everything... everything. Every sound his car makes, every sound my car makes, every creak of the house. He's paranoid. The list can go on and on. I'm just going to put it out there that since I moved in 2 years ago, I have sat at his office computer maybe a handful of times, usually because I needed to print something. So like maybe 20 minutes of the last 24 months my butt has been there. I have my own work space. Every office chair I've ever owned has cost less than $40 so I bet you it was a <200 lb weight limit - and let me say, EVERY SINGLE CHAIR IS STILL FUNCTIONING. I own two of them still. Every office chair I use at work is just fine, even these old ghetto 20 year old ones I sit on occassionally. I didn't want to stand on it, jump up and down, wiggle all around, stomp by feet and fly down the stairs into a pile of pillows. So it was completely unnecessary.

A few minutes after the ordeal he came up to me and told me I'm way too sensitive and that there's no way to tell me stuff I don't want to hear. I will admit I am a very sensitive person, but I do have thick skin with some things, my weight - not so much and he knows that. Plus there was no real reason for him to say that... all I wanted to know was whether or not I'm pitching the old chair for garbage pick up tomorrow.


So for those of you who think my husband is trying to keep me safe, I do disagree, because I don't think it's a valid concern in this situation. He seemed mostly concerned I'd be breaking our $200 office chair. I'm 320ish on a really tall frame, it's well proportioned, I've climbed up ladders meant for people under 200 lbs and lived :) SO sorry to hear of those of you who have sustained serious injury and let me say that yes that would be a legitmate concern for me and I make judgements about what will hold me and what won't. It's awful your stories about serious injury and I will heed your warning. For me, sitting in a chair and having it break, not a concern I have. The tone of it was hurtful and like "well it's your own fault"ish.

And thank you to the kind poster who informed everyone I am literate and can make my own educated decision regarding weigh tlimits HA that made me laugh too :) Because yes, I am college educated to boot and I can definitely read and judge weight restrictions myself. I'm not bungee jumping with it afterall.

lazylioness
05-31-2013, 02:15 AM
But yeah, intentionally or not...douchbag move

HungryHungryHippo
05-31-2013, 02:32 AM
I'm so sorry!! I have been on the end of similar hurtful comments, so I know how you feel.
"Let's just keep it" (the old chair) would have been the better answer.
But the way you describe him sounds like someone who really values being precise.
Maybe try telling him, You really hurt my feelings, and let him make it up to you. And learn from his mistakes! ;-)

luckymommy
05-31-2013, 08:15 AM
I would be completely crushed by a comment like that, quite honestly. However, with your latest post, you stated that he's completely paranoid. Are you sure he wasn't paranoid that you would hurt yourself? Are you sure it was about the price of the chair? I just wanted to check.

I think that even though you truly love him and divorce is a major, MAJOR move, you don't have children, which makes things a lot different. Ask yourself if you can truly live with his personality for the rest of your days. When kids come, things don't usually get easier....people tend to get more intense with their negative qualities.

I do hope you'll take the advice others gave you to let this comment fuel your fire and continue on your journey, rather than but it out and give up. You deserve to be treated with kindness not only from others but also by yourself.

Hugs to you!

Desiderata
05-31-2013, 10:56 AM
Offered also with a spirit of compassion/non-judging:

Courtney, from your last post, what strikes me most is that it sounds like your husband is absolutely terrified when it comes to weight-related communication. Which could explain why this weight limit thing came out so randomly -- he might have had this concern in his head for some time (like when he bought the chair), didn't know how to say something without upsetting you, and so when you asked, he blurted out something he'd been holding in. (Ask your honestly, is there really any scenario in which he could have said something that you would not have perceived as deeply hurtful?)

You are entitled to your feelings, and they are absolutely valid -- but consider how your reaction (anger, upset, sounds like perhaps several tense hours in the house after this happened) further conditions how he communicates around this subject. I think some of what kaplods' shared about her husband is relevant -- once patterns are set up they are so hard to break. And sadly, the more scared/unsure he is of what and how to say something, he's likely to handle it in a way that you find really hurtful. And it sets up toxic communication patterns that just create more and more problems over time - you will feel consistently judged and found wanting, he will feel resentful because he's set up to always lose.

I also married relatively young, and I have had to work through some extreme weight sensitivity with my husband. I was projecting so much fear/embarrassment from my past that I was completely unwilling to discuss it, and it took me a few years to de-fang the issue (and realize how much of it came from me and my own head). It was really hard at first - I couldn't even acknowledge to him I was trying to lose weight. (I commend you on your bathroom log! I'm only very recently to a point where I even feel OK discussing numbers!) My point in this tangent is that the more I worked on my own head space and not feeling defensive and embarrassed over this subject, the better and better our communication became.

It is so acutely painful when you don't feel that security/support from your spouse - no matter where that perception comes from. Hugs to you.

KatMarie
05-31-2013, 11:39 AM
When I was at my heaviest, we were looking for a treadmill. They were expensive and my husband said I was over the weight limit and was afraid I might break them and didn't want to buy one. Never thought of being mad at him for saying it. I was upset and sad over it, but not at him, he was just telling the truth. We finally did find a heavy duty one with a 350 pound limit and he bought it for me.

sassyangies
05-31-2013, 12:18 PM
IMO.. this has nothing to do the limits on the chair. Who cares if the chair breaks. The likelihood of you breaking a brand new chair is pretty slim. He should of known that, that is not something you say to your wife. I don't think he would of been pretending that your not fat if he didn't say anything. I think he would of been watching out for your feelings and not caring about a damn chair. I'm sorry he said that to you. I hope you can find a way to either be happy or get the heck out of there and find your happiness. Your a beautiful women and if he doesn't see that his loss!! Good luck hun!

betsy2013
05-31-2013, 12:31 PM
there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.

When I read through this the first time I focused on the fact that there was a long silence and assumed that he was trying to find a nice way to deliver what he thought of as a hard message. (Even though it shouldn't have been delivered.) Then I re-read the part about it'll be "off limits." Yes, the weight comment was hurtful, but for him to define something as being off limits for you because of your weight is unacceptable. If he's really this much into being a control freak then I'd be worried about what's going to come next.

In terms of your marriage -- you're the only one who knows if it's time to leave.

newleaf123
05-31-2013, 12:45 PM
I've read your post, all the replies, and then your further clarification. Here's what I think, which is very similar to what one other person said. It sounds like he has been thinking / dreading about talking about his new chair purchase, and when you brought up what to do with the old chair, it just all came blurting out. You were caught totally off guard since you haven't been thinking about the new chair, but clearly this has been a topic on his mind. Yeah, maybe he shouldn't have bought a chair that you couldn't sit in, but on the other hand, if you truly have sat in the office chair for a total of 20 min over the last 2 years, then I can see why he bought the chair with only his needs in mind.

You're 23. I'm guessing he is 23, too? You guys are young and if you want to grow old together, you need to figure out how to accept and move on after an apology, and work to communicate better in the future.

:hug:

Missy Krissy
05-31-2013, 01:03 PM
If Iím being honest, I think you have some serious soul searching to do regarding your marriage. Do you want to continue to be a family with your husband as you intended when you took your vows, or do you think that you truly made a serious mistake in marrying him? I got married young (just before I turned 23) and have been married for nearly 4 years now. I can honestly say that staying in my marriage and working at it is one of the most hardest (if not the hardest) things I have ever done in my life, but I made a commitment to my husband and now my son to be there regardless of how difficult things get.

And I do disagree with other posters who indicate that if you arenít happy right now you shouldnít stay with your husband. Happiness comes and goes. Iím not 100% thrilled with my husband 100% of the time, but to think that you will be living in a state of marital bliss for the duration of your marriage is a little bit naive.

It sucks that he said that to you, but it doesnít sound like he was trying to be cruel or vindictive. It sounds to me like his comment is something that you were unintentionally wounded by and is just another thing that is making you re-think your situation.

Think about what you want, and what is important to you. I would seriously think about seeing a marriage counselor together so that you can work on communication, and evaluate if this relationship is something that you both want to make a priority. You also say that youíre unhappy with your job and are feeling depressed often Ė maybe some one-on-one counseling wouldnít hurt either, especially if you arenít open to the idea of couples counseling. I would try to sort yourself out before doing anything rash.

:hug: I hope that things start to look up, and that you feel better soon.

Electro
05-31-2013, 01:23 PM
No comments one way or another about your partners comment.

My OH is an amazing, sensitive, intelligent and articulate man who is aware of my weight, is amazingly supportive and very tuned to my sensitivity regarding it. He was the first to truly appreciate the increasing energy and enthusiasm that came with my starting to eat healthy.

Yet when I casually mentioned that maybe I should start exercising more and pondering what my options might be. I did it just after he had come back from paddling (his exercise) and the comment was 'you wouldn't fit in the boat'! Pin - drop - BANG!

It hurt, truly and dreadfully. Yet it was honest. I would not have fitted into the boat and it would have been potentially (not guaranteed) unsafe. He was not claiming anything as his own because he had previously talked about how good it would be if I could join him in some of his activities. It was just that he thought I was asking to join him in that one and it was the only one that he genuinely thought I could not do.

It was one comment in the context of an otherwise loving and supportive relationship and despite my initial hurt that is how it came to be accepted.

By the way - to celebrate my 30kg weight loss target being acheived. He has brought me a club membership at his club, we start once we get back from overseas! (Weather will be better then and they have gym equipment as well) He knows when he gets things wrong (I will let him know as he does me) and we deal with it. I laughed so hard when I opened the envelope I think I lost another kg! PMSL!

IanG
05-31-2013, 01:44 PM
I am going to fess up here and would just like to say that I have broken an office chair before!

The pole went straight through the base! It was an Ikea one.

So I got a better chair...

Still makes me laugh as I spent ages wondering where all these scratches on our hardwood floors were coming from!

bethFromDayton
05-31-2013, 01:49 PM
[quote=35X35;4757852]
I think the bottom line issue to me is that we consider each other in this marriage. If my husband was mad tall (he's average height) I would consider furniture and whatnot that helped him be comfortable. I wouldn't buy a miniature car.]/quote]

I was in this situation--I'm short. My first husband is 6'6". There was rarely furniture available that was comfortable for both of us. I remember saying "this loveseat is comfortable for me. If it's too small for you, let's get the loveseat and then find you a chair you find comfortable."

DH and I don't like each other's office chairs anyway :-).

But, here's the thing that I see. I used to have four rolling chairs at my kitchen table--and my guests liked those best. Even the guests who were 300+ lbs--and eventually, all four chairs broke because they weren't designed for that. It's a shame that they weren't designed for that, but it's also a shame that they were destroyed. I never said anything to any of my friends, but they were totally unwilling to be steered towards sturdier chairs.

Another example: due to surgeries, I own a shower chair. It is rated to 250 lbs. I have a friend who visits often who uses a shower chair at her own home since she has trouble standing for long--but hers is a larger and sturdier chair. Do I offer her mine to use when she visits? (I am done using it after my foot surgery so it went back in the basement). The truth is, I think she's too big for it and it might break--she could get hurt if that happens.

It sounds as if that's only her getting hurt I'm concerned about--and in this case it is. But I don't think worrying about breaking a piece of new furniture is evil.

I don't know if the OP's husband was being a jerk or was trying to be sensitive for a hard subject. Having looked at catalogs of chairs and other things for extremely large people, those can be out of reach (financially) for those who don't need them. They can also be actively uncomfortable for those who don't need the oversized chair, etc.

I'm not saying the husband was kind--but I'm not sure he deserves condemnation, either.

stea98
05-31-2013, 09:32 PM
To me, though, considering how your guests might use your furniture is completely different than considering how or whether your own wife might use it! I don't have any problem with someone swapping out their "good" chairs if company is coming over, but a wife should be able to use any piece of furniture in her own home, any time - the only exception to me would be if they each had a desk, and each chose their own chair. If it's a shared space, however, then I think it's a douche move for the husband to not only go ahead and choose the chair on his own (seriously? did he even ask your opinion?), but to knowingly select a chair that he felt wouldn't support his wife's weight. What kind of person would do that? There isn't a worldwide shortage of chairs, and there are certainly many that come with higher weight limits....they don't even have to cost more than ones with lower weight limits. It's not even like he's saying he only found out about the weight limit after the chair was bought and paid for, and it can't be returned - he clearly knew, and didn't care. He can try to soften his message all he likes, but at the end of the day no one held a gun to his head and forced him to buy this particular chair...this could have been so easily avoided, and need not have even been an issue if he was really thinking about his wife and her needs (not to mention feelings!).

I can't make any comment on what you should do as far as your marriage, because every marriage has it's moments and ups and downs and only you really know how you feel and what you want from your life with a partner. But as far as this situation, it comes across as a very passive-aggressive move to me.

Lizzizzi
05-31-2013, 10:33 PM
Has he at least apologized yet? It sounds to me like you should be questioning your feelings for your husband. If you think its worth it stay with him, if not leave. But don't let one mean comment ruin a relationship if you care for him, unless this is consistently happening which could also be the case.

the shiv
06-01-2013, 02:49 AM
Hey, I'm sorry you're having trouble with this :(

I've read through the thread, and one thing strikes me as familiar - being called too sensitive. Yes, I am damn well sensitive, and it has it's good side too, just like all personal traits.

All the analysis in the world about what his intentions were will never get you closer to moving forward. If I could make a suggestion, focus on what YOU want out of your communication with your husband. Counselling might be a good place to start (speaking from experience). I also experience depression and have done so most of my life. It's hard. But honestly, if you can figure out what you want, based on who you are, and communicate your boundaries in a confident way then follow up on what you say, you're going a long way. You don't need to change your husband, that's the beauty of it. Something as straightforward as "I know I'm a sensitive person, and I'm not ashamed of that, but sometimes it's easy for you to hit a nerve when you may not intend to. If you say something that upsets me, intentionally or otherwise, I will leave the room to think it through and calm down and re-address the issue when I'm more level headed" can go a long way. Then follow through on that! Leave the room and stop it escalating. Come back when you're calm and tell him "when you said X, I felt Y, I'm not making you responsible for my feelings, but could you explain what you meant?" And that gives him the non-combative environment to say "man I ballsed that up, I meant Z but it just came blurting out" or whatever.

Once you set some boundaries about how you communicate, he might feel safer to do the same, then you both know where you stand and can start figuring out what you want. Because honestly, the "what did it all mean??" mental merry-go-round gets you nowhere good. I know that for a super-sensitive person tiny things can become enormous in your mind and make you want to run away from a situation, but your personal issues on how to protect your sensitive nature will persist in any and all relationships until you face them. If you can't drive, getting a different car won't make it any easier, or some metaphor like that. Being sensitive is hard, I know, and you don't need to change. But maybe you do need to learn how to express to people when you're having a bad reaction to an emotional situation, and to have strategies in place for dealing with these situations to protect yourself. Very few of us are taught how to handle this. But it's just like a fair-skinned person putting on SPF to prevent being burned in the sun.

Please do check this out and see if any of it resonates with you:

http://psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201201/developing-healthy-boundaries

I feel for you, I really do. This isn't about the chair or what his intentions were, I don't think. It just seems you've landed up in a situation in your life that you're unhappy with, and this incident has just brought all those feelings to the surface again. Well, better out than in! You CAN get through this, and you WILL.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

kaplods
06-01-2013, 02:56 AM
...a wife should be able to use any piece of furniture in her own home, any time - the only exception to me would be if they each had a desk, and each chose their own chair.

Apparently that is the situation, as op mentioned that she has her own workspace and has only used his chair very rarely.

I think op's hubby was insensitive, but it suddenly ocurred to me that hub may not have been talking about the new chair at all.

She said she asked him what he was going to do with the OLD chair, so it sounds more likely that he was talking about THAT chair when referring to possible weight limits (talking about the new chair doesn't make any sense at all in this context).

So hub is either an IDIOT, or he was talking about the limitations of the old chair, not the new.

And if he was talking about the old chair, it doesn't seem likely that he was worried more about the chair than his wife, as she admits it was in bad shape.

If he did mean the new chair, he may not be a villain, but he is a super-idiot, because his answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question op says she asked.

If she asked something like, "What are you going to do with the old, cruddy chair, which paraphrase makes the most sense?


Don't touch my new chair, you'll break it.

or

I don't think that chair is sturdy enough to keep.


He does earn idiot points for failing to use the long pause to phrase his response more diplomatically, but I don't see douchebag points being warranted, or grounds for rejecting or delaying acceptance of his apology.

Radiojane
06-06-2013, 01:25 PM
As sexist as it sounds, men are not known for their diplomacy. In my relationship, I can have a four star melt down over something my man says, and it's usually because I'm putting more meaning in his words than he did.

It sounds like there are other issues here, so address them and then see if the comment over the chair is still as important. I don't mean to sound insensitive, because I get where you're coming from, but if you don't address the deeper underlying issues, you're going to have a lot of "chair" comments.

ichoose2believe
06-06-2013, 01:43 PM
Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.

This... When you have been with someone long enough you know when they are saying it simply to be an a$$ about it. If he was then, based on what you said, it may be time to start moving on and spending a little time with just you. IMHO he should have purchased a chair you both could sit in.

nitrus29
06-06-2013, 01:49 PM
It sounds like there are other issues here, so address them and then see if the comment over the chair is still as important. I don't mean to sound insensitive, because I get where you're coming from, but if you don't address the deeper underlying issues, you're going to have a lot of "chair" comments.

^^ this!

and :hug: keep your chin up!

kaplods
06-06-2013, 02:16 PM
This... When you have been with someone long enough you know when they are saying it simply to be an a$$ about it. If he was then, based on what you said, it may be time to start moving on and spending a little time with just you. IMHO he should have purchased a chair you both could sit in.

I'm not sure I totally agree. I think the longer a couple is together, the more likely they are to ASSUME they know what their spouse or long-term partner is thinking. The opportunity though is to make even bigger mistakes. I know in my own relationship, I'm less likely to give my husband the benefit of the doubt than I did when we were first together.

I tend to believe that I know the way he thinks, but I've been DEAD WRONG often enough to suspect that I grossly overestimate my ability to read his mind through body language and tone of voice.

As to the chair, assuming he was talking about the new chair, since op admits they rarely share workspaces, I think it makes more sense that each select their chairs according to their individual needs. I mean, it would be silly to expect them to buy shoes or clothing they both could wear.

What I don't get is why the purchase wasn't discussed and done together, but maybe that's because my husband and I do discuss almost all purchases even clothing and shoes.

My husband and I did recently buy a chair for his workspace that I cannot use comfortably. I feel like Goldilox, because the chair's seat is uncomfortably tall for me, but hubby is 6'2" and needs the height for comfort. No biggie, when I want to use his workspace (he has a better printer, we haven't replaced mine yet), I have to pull my chair from my office.

I wouldn't want to regularly use a chair "we both can use" because a compromise chair would be uncomfortable for us both.

Euphy
06-06-2013, 03:32 PM
Ouchhhh. I'm so sorry. I'm amazed to see this because just a couple weeks ago, my boyfriend asked me not to sit in his brand new 800 dollar chair because there's a weight limit. I was in shock...how could he be so insensitive? When I googled it, it said it could handle 300 pounds which I am pretty significantly under. Men...such jerks!