This is really pathetic, but how do I get over jealousy?
I've been with my current bf for over 1.5 years now, and things are generally great with us. We've talked about marriage when we graduate (about a year from now) and he tells me all the time that he loves me and how beautiful I am, etc. Basically, there's no reason for me to think he'll leave me for someone else.
The problem is, I have been cheated on in the past (twice with the same guy) and apparently it scarred me for life b/c I can't get over the jealousy I feel when my bf talks to another girl. I don't generally get crazy upset, at least not physically, but I literally have to catch myself every time before I say something or act in a way I know I'll regret. It's almost like a subconscious instinct now. I have to force myself not to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't go out of his way to flirt with other girls, but just thinking of him conversing with other girls (in class, for instance) gets my blood boiling before I can stop myself. He's a very outgoing and friendly guy, so he often will strike up conversations with people around him, which means there's a lot of situations where this comes up.
Is this something that I just have to work through? I feel so pathetic because before I was cheated on I was never the "jealous girlfriend" type. Especially since we've been together for this long and there's never been any signs of cheating or that he'll find someone else. Essentially, this is MY problem. But how do I get over this?? I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with my insecurities about myself, but I feel like the jealousy thing has amplified 1,000% after being cheated on. I know some of you have dealt with being cheated on...how did you deal? I feel like it's been long enough since it happened...time to get over it. But HOW?
First, if he cheats on you, then he is out. No second chances. You're better than that.
Secondly, you're the one doing him the favor not the other way round. He's a lucky guy to have you.
So let the guy talk with other girls. It's natural...he'll have to interact with members of the oppositie sex other than you throughout his career. But if he crosses the line, drop him.
I don't think it is jealousy that you are dealing with. I think it is fear of being hurt again and a lack of trust. You trusted someone before and he cheated on you. Nothing hurts worse than that, I know, I have been through it. Now you have met someone you love but a little voice is nagging you, "is he going to cheat on me ?" Even though you have not admitted it to yourself there might be some fear that it will happen again. This is hard to overcome but you must find a way to get over it. Your BF seems 100% committed to you. Maybe you should tell how hurt you have been in the past and you are trying to get over it but it does make you nervous when you see him talking to other girls.
IanG: It's nice to have a guy's perspective. I think you're right in that I need to approach it from the standpoint that he is lucky to have me. I'm always thinking/saying how lucky I am to have HIM (which is true), but finding value in myself is always hard and something I need to work on.
Bargoo: You're definitely right, I am afraid that the same situation is going to arise. I can tell myself logically that it probably won't, but there's always that doubt. I think the problem is I don't want to come across as a nagging, jealous gf, and I'm afraid I will if I express my fears. B/c really, who wants to be with a girl who can't handle them talking to the opposite sex?
MedChick - first, I applaud you for recognizing that your fears about being cheated on are yours, and that thus far your boyfriend has not done anything to justify those fears. Infidelity can really mess a person up...and their future relationships if one isn't careful. As a person who has been cheated on, I highly suggest seeking some therapy/counseling to deal with the issues you've been left with. These are really about you. If it wasn't this boyfriend, you'd probably feel the same way about the next guy.
Granted, every person takes the risk of being cheated on whenever they engage in a relationship. And at some point, you're gonna have to be prepared to make that leap. But in the meantime, I think there are things you can work on with some counseling to get you in a better head space to take that chance.
It is possible to move past that hurt and trust again, but you just might have to do a little work to get there. Best of luck to you!
I strongly suggest getting some counseling. Everybody's been hurt. Many of us have been cheated in. Nobody is exempt from having been hurt. It's how you move on that matters and quite frankly you haven't moved on at all. Being afraid of what might happen keeps you in perpetual victim mode and generally people who stay in victim mode are doing so because they're afraid of their own shadow. If you keep treating someone like they might hurt you they might eventually follow through. You can't be a wounded puppy forever, moving on and getting past it is part of growing up.
I'm sorry to sound harsh but I'm just trying to call it as I see it. Your jealousy has nothing nothing nothing to do with your boyfriend. 55% of human beings are female, expecting him to not talk to people of the opposite sex is a little... crazy. It's like being afraid of every car that drives by. Yes, there's a chance that the car may swerve and hit you but unless you want to be stuck inside your house forever you'll have to learn to venture outside and cross the darned street.
Last edited by Palestrina; 05-24-2013 at 08:11 AM.
I think there is a fine line between jealousy and cautiousness. It seems from what you are saying, you have crossed the line more towards jealousy. (Or, as others have said -- and I agree with -- it sounds like the jealousy is really fear of being cheated upon again). But this doesn't mean you should just toss aside your cautiousness. I think its prudent to remain vigilant. Just do your best - as you have been doing - not to go crazy bat$@# on him when you see him talking to girls!
I hesitated to write this post because I don't want to feed your fear or jealousy to make it any worse than it is. But I wanted to say that I don't think your fears are completely unfounded. Yes, your current BF has done nothing wrong as far as you know. The fact that your BF is very friendly and outgoing and talks with people (including girls in his class) is not necessarily bad. But it certainly could be, and it could start innocently and then escalate later. When people cheat, they don't always start out with the intention to do so. Sometimes it just happens. And I'm sorry, but if a guy becomes friendly with other girls, and there is a mutual attraction present, then the seeds of cheating might be be planted. Whether those seeds are sewn (i.e., whether one acts upon the attraction -- no double entendre intended) is a different story. But that is why it is so important to keep vigilant.
Whether you should legitimately be concerned with him talking to other girls also depends on what the substance and tone of those conversations are. Is there flirting involved? Would you have any way of knowing if there was? Obviously, mutual flirting would be a concern. But sometimes one person or the other in these situations will mistake innocent, friendly conversation with flirting. If I were in a situation like this, and I trusted my GF, what would be in the back of my mind is not whether my GF would make a pass on a guy, but (1) what are the intentions of the guy(s) she is talking to and (2) what could happen if a guy made a pass at her? (Just to clarify, I don't have any concerns about my wife of over 10 years, but if I was in a relatively new relationship, I might).
Been there, done that. It is hard to "get over". I have the most amazing man in the world in my life now, and it was hard to trust him at first...and he had done nothing to lose my trust.
The way I had to get over my issue was to reconcile my feelings about my ex cheating on me.
Talk to him about how you feel. He should be understanding and sympathetic. At the very least, he should be conscious of HOW he interacts with other women. It's my belief that your significant other shouldn't do anything that would make you doubt them. Yes, a part of it is left up to you and how much you trust the other person not to hurt you, but if he knows it makes you uncomfortable, he should make the effort to ease your worries.
Talk to him about how you feel. He should be understanding and sympathetic. At the very least, he should be conscious of HOW he interacts with other women. It's my belief that your significant other shouldn't do anything that would make you doubt them. Yes, a part of it is left up to you and how much you trust the other person not to hurt you, but if he knows it makes you uncomfortable, he should make the effort to ease your worries.
No, why should he? If he's not doing anything wrong why should he change how he interacts with people? Even if he does he'll eventually grow sick of walking on egg shells all the time. If he has to act differently than who he is then he'll probably go and find someone he can be himself with. None of the behavior the OP described sounds inconsiderate or suspicious... he's going to class and having conversations with other students, end of story.
Expecting someone to not have any contact with members of the opposite sex is kinda weird, I sure as heck wouldn't tolerate that. It would mean that I couldn't talk to half of the people on the planet. It would mean that I wouldn't be allowed to talk to my boss or to my colleague or to the bank teller. Who needs to feel guilty about talking to their professor?
I've been with my current bf for over 1.5 years now, and things are generally great with us. We've talked about marriage when we graduate (about a year from now) and he tells me all the time that he loves me and how beautiful I am, etc. Basically, there's no reason for me to think he'll leave me for someone else.
The problem is, I have been cheated on in the past (twice with the same guy) and apparently it scarred me for life b/c I can't get over the jealousy I feel when my bf talks to another girl. I don't generally get crazy upset, at least not physically, but I literally have to catch myself every time before I say something or act in a way I know I'll regret. It's almost like a subconscious instinct now. I have to force myself not to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't go out of his way to flirt with other girls, but just thinking of him conversing with other girls (in class, for instance) gets my blood boiling before I can stop myself. He's a very outgoing and friendly guy, so he often will strike up conversations with people around him, which means there's a lot of situations where this comes up.
Is this something that I just have to work through? I feel so pathetic because before I was cheated on I was never the "jealous girlfriend" type. Especially since we've been together for this long and there's never been any signs of cheating or that he'll find someone else. Essentially, this is MY problem. But how do I get over this?? I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with my insecurities about myself, but I feel like the jealousy thing has amplified 1,000% after being cheated on. I know some of you have dealt with being cheated on...how did you deal? I feel like it's been long enough since it happened...time to get over it. But HOW?
I read through the replies on here but I don't want to comment on them as this is about you and not what I think about some of the comments in the replies.
I think you have received some great advice here. Just please remember, don't blame your boyfriend for what someone else did to you. I know you are scared and worried of another broken heart (who wouldn't be?) but you don't want to be broken hearted if you sabotage this relationship with your ex's actions. Your current BF is NOT your EX. And you said things are generally great so keep it that way! And I mean that in the nicest, most sincere way.
Thanks for all the replies and advice! I've definitely read each one carefully and considered each opinion. I definitely understand that this is my problem and something I'm going to have to get over. I would never expect my bf to just stop talking to girls. That IS crazy and something I would never ask. I think as I work on my confidence the jealousy (or w/e it is) will decrease, as a lot of my fears are grounded in the idea that there are so many other girls that are prettier/skinnier/insert_attribute_here than me. I wish I could say that I don't compare myself to others, but I do. I try to remind myself that confidence is a turn-on for guys lol.
Hey, I have to jump in too... I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I have a few ideas. My bf is really good friends with his ex, and it took me 2 years of getting over my jealousy of that before I realised people can be friends with whoever they like - and now I'm great friends with her too, I'm pretty gutted at the way I behaved and the stress it caused, when I could have been enjoying making another really good friendship, and enjoying the feeling of trust I have for my bf. So, though I've never been cheated on, I have other trust issues that help me understand where you're coming from.
My advice would be... Talk to your bf about it. You guys are thinking about getting married, right? That means (usually) that you talk to each other about your fears and insecurities. As in "I'm afraid of X, because Y happened, I want you to know this about me, and I'm not putting this issue on you, and Z is what I plan to do about it." You're not asking anything of him, you're not making excuses, you're just going to have to trust him to love you for better and for worse.
Another thing I would STRONGLY suggest is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Regular therapy will run through the reasons you feel and act the way you do, but you already know these reasons. CBT is about reprogramming the bits of your mind that are out of whack, like debugging a computer program. If you can't get to a practitioner, the basic idea is:
1. Notice when you're having negative thoughts and just acknowledge them without trying to change them, and without guilt, just notice them. It helps to write these thoughts down at first when you notice them, as many of them will be like a regular, recurring script running in your brain, often without you even noticing it. When you've got used to that, move on to:
2. Prepare replacement thoughts for when you notice this happening. For instance replace "he's talking to another girl - is he going to cheat on me?" with "what a lovely, friendly bf I have. We're so lucky to have met each other". If you catch yourself thinking "that girl's so much more WHATEVER than me -> I'm unlovable -> he's going to cheat" with "my bf is with me because he loves me -> if he wanted to cheat, he could, just as I could -> he's given me no reason for suspicion -> I choose to focus on the great things we have together" or "I feel bad about not trusting my bf and guilty for being afraid" with "I love my bf so much, I'll give him the gift of my trust, even if it is uncomfortable".
3. Repeat, repeat, repeat. For as long as you need to. Be patient and compassionate with yourself in changing your thought patterns, it takes time. Eventually, let these more positive thoughts become the new normal. When you've ingrained them into your mind they'll become more automatic and you won't need to focus as much, it'll become more natural with time. And if you CAN see a practitioner, please do. Perhaps your uni has a student counselling centre that can help you.
Remember as well, you were never cheated on because of who YOU are. The people who cheated on you did it because of THEM. Don't let those morally questionable guys darken your life any longer. You were trusting, you weren't the jealous girlfriend before... THIS is who you really are, when you strip away the BS you were put through. Let the man you plan on marrying see that side of you, that is the REAL you.
I talk about the CBT because I'm doing it for myself (following "regular" therapy) and it WORKS. Slowly, but it stops and then reverses the cr*p you put yourself through. And I wish you all the best with this - it sounds like you're really happy in your relationship, and you'd kick yourself if you let your past get in the way of your great future
Hey, I have to jump in too... I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I have a few ideas. My bf is really good friends with his ex, and it took me 2 years of getting over my jealousy of that before I realised people can be friends with whoever they like - and now I'm great friends with her too, I'm pretty gutted at the way I behaved and the stress it caused, when I could have been enjoying making another really good friendship, and enjoying the feeling of trust I have for my bf. So, though I've never been cheated on, I have other trust issues that help me understand where you're coming from.
My advice would be... Talk to your bf about it. You guys are thinking about getting married, right? That means (usually) that you talk to each other about your fears and insecurities. As in "I'm afraid of X, because Y happened, I want you to know this about me, and I'm not putting this issue on you, and Z is what I plan to do about it." You're not asking anything of him, you're not making excuses, you're just going to have to trust him to love you for better and for worse.
Another thing I would STRONGLY suggest is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Regular therapy will run through the reasons you feel and act the way you do, but you already know these reasons. CBT is about reprogramming the bits of your mind that are out of whack, like debugging a computer program. If you can't get to a practitioner, the basic idea is:
1. Notice when you're having negative thoughts and just acknowledge them without trying to change them, and without guilt, just notice them. It helps to write these thoughts down at first when you notice them, as many of them will be like a regular, recurring script running in your brain, often without you even noticing it. When you've got used to that, move on to:
2. Prepare replacement thoughts for when you notice this happening. For instance replace "he's talking to another girl - is he going to cheat on me?" with "what a lovely, friendly bf I have. We're so lucky to have met each other". If you catch yourself thinking "that girl's so much more WHATEVER than me -> I'm unlovable -> he's going to cheat" with "my bf is with me because he loves me -> if he wanted to cheat, he could, just as I could -> he's given me no reason for suspicion -> I choose to focus on the great things we have together" or "I feel bad about not trusting my bf and guilty for being afraid" with "I love my bf so much, I'll give him the gift of my trust, even if it is uncomfortable".
3. Repeat, repeat, repeat. For as long as you need to. Be patient and compassionate with yourself in changing your thought patterns, it takes time. Eventually, let these more positive thoughts become the new normal. When you've ingrained them into your mind they'll become more automatic and you won't need to focus as much, it'll become more natural with time. And if you CAN see a practitioner, please do. Perhaps your uni has a student counselling centre that can help you.
Remember as well, you were never cheated on because of who YOU are. The people who cheated on you did it because of THEM. Don't let those morally questionable guys darken your life any longer. You were trusting, you weren't the jealous girlfriend before... THIS is who you really are, when you strip away the BS you were put through. Let the man you plan on marrying see that side of you, that is the REAL you.
I talk about the CBT because I'm doing it for myself (following "regular" therapy) and it WORKS. Slowly, but it stops and then reverses the cr*p you put yourself through. And I wish you all the best with this - it sounds like you're really happy in your relationship, and you'd kick yourself if you let your past get in the way of your great future
Thanks so much for the reply! I actually have heard of the benefits of CBT (I'm a psych major) but I never really delved into what it actually was. It sounds like it could be very beneficial! I'm going to try the technique you described in your post, I think it will help me a lot. I really liked what you said about kicking myself for letting this past bs get in the way of my future. That really hit home. Thanks again for your insight!
I'm going to jump in here with a different way to think about it. If this works for you, then great!
I have been cheated on. Many times. The last cheat was just mortifying - he had been cheating with this same crazy stalker girl for 3 YEARS behind my back.
Now, when I find a new partner will I be cautious? Have trust issues? I'm not sure as it hasn't happened yet. But one thing I am sure of is that I CAN DEAL WITH IT.
I've dealt with it before, I can do it again. It takes away the fear of it for me. It's kind like, when I was young I was TERRIFIED of getting into a physical altercation with another female. Almost like a phobia. And then one day it happened and I fought my way out of it and it was over. I realized, okay it was traumatizing but I GOT THROUGH IT and somehow the fear... lessened and I stopped obsessing over it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the more energy you put into fearing something, the more scary it becomes. You have gotten through it before. IF IT EVER HAPPENS AGAIN (not saying it will, but IF it ever does), you can get through it. Don't put any more energy into thinking it *might* happen.
This is really pathetic, but how do I get over jealousy?
