[KawaiiCandie]

ok, this is gonna sound really strange.

tonight, i was having a kinda "light" cheat day since the bf was over and that usually happens when he's here cuz we go out to eat, but i'm usually quite good when he's around, so even if there are bad foods involved, the damage is usually minimal.

well, he had to leave just before we had dinner and i was so grumpy about it and i had no food left in the fridge and grocery store was closed, so i just though f@ck it, i'm just gonna go ahead and cheat away the night! so i bought some chinese food, and two donuts from this super cute healthy/homemade donut shop near my house and went home.

I actually wanted to eat more. i wanted ice cream, and chocolate and chips, pizza, dumplings... and whatever else my bingey-disordered mind had been craving for the last 2 months... but i told myself "no, eat your donuts and if you're still hungry after, you can go to the store and buy some chocolate, guilt free".

so i came home and ate half my bento (chucked most of the rice), one donut, felt full, ate the other one for good measure, felt REALLY full and kinda queasy. drank lots of tea.

then i just sat there feeling sad. not sad that i had "cheated", not sad that i had eaten too much; i was sad that i hadn't eaten enough. i was sad that my stomach had gotten full before my mind had.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

I mean, i should be dancing around the house with happiness that my stomach and appetite have shrunk enough to basically prevent any furter fat gain, but here i am feeling sad cuz i can't eat all the yummy foods i want to eat, not cuz i'm depriving myself of them, but cuz my body can't handle them.

congratulation society, you have well and truly f*cked me up!!

[Daki]

I have a cheat day every Saturday. If I remember correctly you were on the slow carb diet awhile ago, which is what I'm doing. I do get sad that I haven't eaten everything I wanted to eat when I get full. So you're not the only one who feels that way!

[KawaiiCandie]

eheh, yeah i know. just wanted to rant and see if others felt like me...

i just think it's sad that most of us who are overweight have a completely warped relationship with food!! people who have never been overweight and judge us don't understand that being fat is a completely mental thing! oh well...

i'm not on the slow carbs anymore!! well, i still apply the basics to my regular diet, but i've included some carbs like oatmeal and sweet potatoes... it just feels more balanced. though i'm not getting the awesome results of the slow-carbing anymore, eheh... how's it working out for you?