Depression and Weight Issues - It's a long one. (How can I forgive?)

03-22-2013, 07:08 AM
Well, nobody will probably read this lengthy rant due to it's lack of brevity and less than sunny disposition...but that is alright, as I am mostly composing it to organize my own thoughts around an issue I am struggling with, forgiveness. For those of you brave enough to continue, I appreciate any insights/criticisms/views you might be willing to share.

Most very heavy people have experienced cruel treatment, discrimination, and the sense of invisibility that accompanies obesity. I am no different. To this day the relentless taunts and exclusion of my childhood haunt me. I'll share a few of the lowlights...Being mocked while having an asthma attack during PE. Having a soccer ball intentionally kicked in my face. My dad, although well meaning, was highly critical of my weight, frequently threatening that nobody would want to marry me. Near daily commentary on the appearance of my body, my ability to fit in desks, why I shouldn't wear this... and so on.

Please understand I don't share these experiences to seek pity or anything like that, I understand kids if all shapes and sizes experience bullying. Furthermore I feel for the probably millions of people whose life struggles make mine appear a literal cakewalk.

I just feel the compulsion to write this out because I feel that it's something eating away at my soul. I am so, so, so angry. I want to go back in time and DEFEND myself. I want to scream, I WAS JUST A F*&%ING CHILD! I want to slap the PE teacher who told be he would be embarrassed to have a daughter my size in the sixth grade. I want to chase after the boys who mocked one of the few males with the courage to speak to me by telling him he wanted to, "harpoon a whale", and give them a REAL reason to fear fat.

This sadness and this anger have caused me to develop two modes of being. Mode 1...trying my damn hardest never to be in the way, always apologizing, bending over backwards to be kind and helpful. Staying up late at night to read, study, and generally work on anything that might convince the world, it's inhabitants, and myself that there is something worth valuing INSIDE this body.

Mode 2...F%*king hating everyone, especially the thin, especially men, especially myself. Of course, I never do this outwardly, and I would never willfully say something to hurt someone...but there is no escaping the reality of my thoughts. I can't help but be angry when I sit in the front row of my PACKED organic chemistry class and the only two empty seats are those on either side of me. I can't help but be heartbroken when a man openly criticizes his "friend" in plain view of me for dating a "desperate, bottom-of-the-barrel fat girl".
Most of the men I've known have been either actively trying to use, hurt, or ignore me. There is NO EXCUSE for how many (NOT ALL, please forgive me nice guys!) men treat big women. Being kind to fat women does not mean your obligated to f%*$ them, but we would appreciate being able to go on a bike ride in public without being publicly humiliated. And WHAT is the deal with men who mock their friends (or perfect strangers for that matter) for pursuing/being with a woman that does not live up to THEIR personal standards of beauty? I mean, really? It's not enough for you to hate, judge, and degrade us, you have to convince everyone else to ride the train with you?
So I'll admit it...Mode 2 AKA "pissed off me" does NOT want to be a part of what I have often viewed as, "Their Club". I want to be HEARD, not just seen. I want to be KNOWN, not gazed at for my thin body. I want recognition for qualities that hold even the faintest possibility of affecting some positive change in this world!
The one time in my life between age five and now that I achieved a healthy weight, all the sudden I was, "hot", and I hated it. I was disguised at how I was spoken to by men, I hated how all of a sudden they wanted to hear every damn word I had to say! I don't understand women that lose weight and are thrilled by this attention, doesn't it feel like a lie? In my head, it sends a clear message that the BODY is everything to men, the MIND, a mere accessory.

I frankly don't much buy into the "confidence" theory. Even it it were valid, what function does such a theory serve? So, if people lack confidence that is a reasonable explanation as to why they should be denied simple courtesies? That's a cop-out and will do nothing to improve how men treat fat women, I would argue that the perspective is damaging and assumes ALL overweight people lack confidence, which they clearly do not. It would also stand to reason that if the theory were legitimate, confident fat women would not experience such discrimination. Also clearly not the case.

I have oft perceived it all as just a stupid contest to see who can have the "hottest" wife. Ever checked out the stats of what percentage of men would seek a divorce if their wife gained 100lbs? Tragic, apparently the vast majority would opt not to provide support or show concern for the PERSON they MARRIED, they would simply move on to a more "acceptably" thin wife.

I often feel much less animosity toward thin women, as I have witnessed many call out men for their behavior. I am heartbroken though when they do join in the lookism trend, and also because many of them are so blissfully unaware of "thin privilege" as some have called it. I don't know if unknowingly being with men who only value them for their bodies is something I would define as privilege. (Not to say all, or even the majority are in that situation, but certainly many are, and that sucks! Especially for the ones who have to discover the truth the hard way). They may receive the "benefits" of attention and acknowledgement, but it is often only a thinly veiled attempt at gaining their favor. My sister, who is thin and also quite a lovely person inside and out, has explained this to me...the most "beautiful" women are nearly equally ignored and feared!
I bet your wondering when the forgiveness comes into play? Well, thing is, I've realized my rage isn't doing me any good, and it isn't doing any good for fellow-fatties either. It consumes me, and as a result, I consume distractions, food and otherwise. Distractions from my hate. Distractions from my refusal to meet this American culture where it is...developing. Not economically, but compassionately. I can't use my anger to increase love in the hearts of others or manifest the kind treatment of fat children! {duh moment}
I have a son, coming two years old. I also have a three year old daughter. I can no longer afford to protect myself from immature boys with a thick layer of adipose tissue. My heath and longevity is of greater concern. I can no longer afford to hold such hatred in my heart against men. I love my boy, I don't want him to ever perceive that I view his gender with a wary eye. I want him to know that HE is GOOD, and that's not going to happen if I continue to focus my thoughts on the BAD guys, rather than delivering appreciative sentiments to the GOOD guys.

How do I set down this burden? How can I forget that little girl who is still very much a part of me? How will I know who I can trust without possessing an obvious "defect" which acts to deflect the shallow? Will my achievements be my own, or will they be preferentially made possible for me based on beauty bias?

03-22-2013, 07:29 AM
Hi. I'm sorry that you have had such rotten experiences :hug:

Your view of the world is definitely shaded by your past. Some people are insensitive - not most. Some people (not just men) are fixated on the shape and size of their spouse or partner. There are jerks in the world. Thin women don't hold the market on men. Sit in the mall or at the park and see all of women and men of all shapes and sizes have good healthy relationships with respectful partners.

It is great that you are aware of the two sides of yourself. You couLd use a safe space to express the anger and fear that you are feeling. You may want to look into seeing a therapist. The right professional can help you to get beyond the anger you have as a result of the trauma you experienced. They may also lift the filter you see the world through. Working through the pain can help you enjoy life a bit more when you are not guarding against all of the ways people can hurt you.

03-22-2013, 07:58 AM
Man. There's so much here that I can relate to. Sometimes it's just important to be able to get it all out. I do want to offer some thoughts on forgiveness. Mostly, forgiveness starts with ourselves. For me, I had to forgive myself for believing horrible things people have said. I had to forgive myself for not setting better boundaries. And mostly, I have had to forgive myself for not teaching people how I expect to be treated. It's not really about being a good person and having that returned to us. Some people are just shitheads. But, in my experience, if I let people know they *don't* get to treat me that way, they *don't* get to speak to me that way, and they *don't* get to walk on me, it works. Well, either they walk away or the relationship evolves.

I'm really lucky. I married a "good guy". I was overweight when we met, and I've gained 50 pounds in those eight years. He loves me in my totality. But...that's not why he's great. It's because, at the beginning, we had a fight. And I tried to sabotage us, and tears poured out of me as I screamed at him that I knew what a POS I was, how ugly I was, how unworthy I was, and how undeserving I was. He was stunned by my words and the origin of our spat was forgotten. He was softer and his eyes were kinder than any I have ever seen and he told me he didn't think he could be with me if I felt that way about myself. That he had his own demons, his own baggage, and his own stuff, and he wasn't sure he could lift me up, too. That was the greatest gift I have ever gotten in my life. I learned how much of this self loathing was my own creation, even if the roots of it were not. I was the one carrying it forward and feeding it. There was no choice but to love myself.

And when I learned that, embraced it, and did it, my whole world opened up. I have experienced love in ways I never imagined, all because it started as an internal love affair with me. I'm still insecure. I still have negative self talk. I still fall down that way. But, for the most part, I don't dwell there.

I'm not sure if this is really relevant to your head space or not, but that's been my journey. Once I was able to forgive myself, to love myself, it's been a lot easier to radiate that outward. I wish that for you.

03-22-2013, 11:12 AM
I have to say that was a very well written post, especially at 5:30 in the morning. You obviously are a very intelligent and insightful person.

I hear you and know exactly how you feel. It's a sad truth that so many of us should know how it feels to be abused over our weight.

I wish I had the magic key that would enable us to turn off the effect that the world has on us, but I don't. No one does.

The question is how much are YOU going to let it affect YOU. What happened, while awful, happened in the past. I have no doubt that any of those people have long forgotten what they did to you. We have to tell ourselves, constantly, that despite what has or will happen, we're not going to let it affect our emotional well being, or at least not affect it so dramatically that we start to hate. Easier said than done, I know.

I also have a young son who I teach that everyone is a person and deserves respect no matter what they look like. That's really all you can do I think. That and work on trying to live with what has happened in the past. You don't have to forget it, just be able to live well with it.

03-22-2013, 11:13 AM
I am afraid I don't have any suggestions off hand, but I wanted to reply. I enjoy your writing style. Do you blog? I will be pondering your situation today.

03-22-2013, 02:22 PM
ImImportant- Thank you for your kind words (and congrats on your wonderful progress!). I love your Mall idea, so true, I needed that reminder. I've thought about a therapist in the past but I don't really have the financial resources right now, but being able to "speak" openly about these thoughts in this forum is very cathartic. I've never written these feelings down before joining 3FC recently. Seeing them "on paper" forces me to accept how focused I have been on the negative events in my life, rather than the many things I have to be thankful for. My hope is that writing will bring more self awareness, and just maybe a lighter heart.

valarielala- Your words really resonate with me. " He had his own demons, his own baggage, and his own stuff, and he wasn't sure he could lift me up, too." Boy, that would be very powerful to hear, and it makes perfect sense.
I too was fortunate to find a very caring man, after a frog or two. I often feel guilty for the thoughts I have expressed here, ungrateful. Learning not to "dwell there" is definitely taking practice, but it gives me hope that you and others have learned to overcome such negativity. Thank you for sharing your insight and experience, it is greatly appreciated.

Vex- First of all, WOW. 281 to 164, you are a friggin' hero. Early morning is the most peaceful time in my home (before the footie-pajamas wake and terrorize! Haha):D "The question is how much are YOU going to let it affect YOU."...if only I possessed the ability to fit so much meaning into so few words! My treadmill sits in front of a sliding glass door on which I use window markers to write quotes that motivate me...your statement here is the latest addition to me door. Thank you, thank you.

LJ- Thank you very much and congrats on your success! I don't have a blog, although I very much enjoy reading them. I am slowly working on one but it is not "live" yet.

-to all- Thank you so much for granting me this space to vent and sharing your thoughts. In my day-to-day I try very hard to be a positive, happy role model for my kids. When my honey is home from work I try not to dampen his spirits with my own. I am really going to try to make my mind match my behavior in this way, I want my mind to be as positive as the image I put forth daily. So...small goal...when my attention turns to those who have hurt me, I will reclaim and redirect it to remember those who have helped me. Thanks again.

03-22-2013, 04:27 PM
Lecomtes - I had this same conversation with my mother a couple of months ago. I was carrying around a lot of anger at myself and other people. My mother can be kind of blunt sometimes but the older I get, the less sensitive I am about the way she says things and I focus on what she is saying. We have a great relationship, she is my number one supporter and loves me unconditionally so I know her words come from a place of love.

She told me to let it go. I still struggle with the "how to" of the statement. The fact of life is that some people can be crappy and it may be because they are carrying around scars from their childhoods the same way we might carry our scars in our fat. We eat to comfort ourselves, they may lash out and say or do nasty things to comfort themselves. I'm not excusing their behavior but we're all dealing with something or other.

I had to learn that there is nothing that I can do to control another person. I can't make anyone be kinder or more sensitive or understanding but what I can control is how I allow other people to affect my life and my actions. I will not allow anyone to take joy from my life because I do have so much to be thankful for. I will not allow anyone to make me feel angry because that anger is hurting me way more than it is hurting them. I will not allow someone else's issues to cause me pain when I have enough issues of my own to deal with.

Forgiveness. This is a difficult one. Firstly, I work hard everyday to forgive myself for the damage that I did to my body. I know that I must forgive myself for giving in to my weaknesses for so long. I must forgive myself for being so cruel and unkind to myself. All the anger and hatred did was keep me in the food. I was so angry that I couldn't pick myself up and live my life so I ate at home alone. Anger is pointless if it keeps you down.

I have worked so hard to lose the weight I've lost. How can I enjoy my hard work if I spend all my time feeling angry at the folks who did me wrong? They're moving on with their lives, getting married and having kids...probably not giving me a passing thought.

I spend my time focused on the beautiful people in my life who have loved me and stuck by my side through it all. The ones who have treated me the same no matter what the number on the scale said. These are the people who deserve my attention and effort and love. I focus on the joy I feel when I'm able to do things that I wasn't able to do before. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with my friends and family.

That anger won't make me happy or fulfilled or keep me warm at night.

03-22-2013, 04:56 PM
Lecomtes, I read your post first thing this morning and so much of it resonated with me. So many of us carry so much in our hearts. I don't have any advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone. :hug:

Forgiveness. This is a difficult one. Firstly, I work hard everyday to forgive myself for the damage that I did to my body. I know that I must forgive myself for giving in to my weaknesses for so long. I must forgive myself for being so cruel and unkind to myself. All the anger and hatred did was keep me in the food. I was so angry that I couldn't pick myself up and live my life so I ate at home alone. Anger is pointless if it keeps you down.

I have worked so hard to lose the weight I've lost. How can I enjoy my hard work if I spend all my time feeling angry at the folks who did me wrong? They're moving on with their lives, getting married and having kids...probably not giving me a passing thought.

I spend my time focused on the beautiful people in my life who have loved me and stuck by my side through it all. The ones who have treated me the same no matter what the number on the scale said. These are the people who deserve my attention and effort and love. I focus on the joy I feel when I'm able to do things that I wasn't able to do before. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with my friends and family.

That anger won't make me happy or fulfilled or keep me warm at night.

Wow, chickieboom, I almost started crying reading what you wrote above. I carry so much in my heart and want to get closure on so many things, things that happened 20 years ago and you are exactly right, these people never gave me another passing thought after what they did to me. I am worth so much more than the things that they said or did to me, I just wish we could have our brains scrubbed of the memory or something.

Thank you for writing all of that so eloquently. I am going to think about this for a long long time.

03-22-2013, 05:38 PM
Wow. What you endured as a child is certainly despicable and the offenders do not deserve your forgiveness. I agree with ChickeBoom that for your sake, getting past those incidents seems to be what you need for you to get yourself in a better place. Otherwise, that pent up hate is going to eat away at you.

Personally, I was always fat -- well, at least since I was 7 or 8. But for some reason I did not have a problem with kids or other people mocking me. Maybe it was because I was bigger than a lot of the other kids! I don't know, but I was fortunate that way. It did, however, cause me to be somewhat of a loner when I was in high school. While I had a lot of friends from school, I really didn't hang out with them out of school, nor did I have the confidence to ask girls out.

As far as going forward, I don't know how you forget. I'm no psychologist so I can't offer any advise there except to say that it doesn't seem healthy to dwell on your tormented past and the hate that accompanies it.

And I'm not sure what you mean by trust. Unfortunately, there are going to be biases in the world against fat people. Somebody said that its not just thin men who are biased against fat people, some thin women are too. There are no absolutes, of course. There are people from both sexes and all shapes and sizes that are biased against fat people. I know that some fat men and women are biased against other fat people. Heck, if some people hate themselves for being fat, why wouldn't they find other fat people revolting too? Unfortunately, its just a fact of life. People have an affinity to all things beautiful. For things and people that/who are not beautiful... not so much! Its human nature. But sometime people suck. A lot of times people suck. You are not going to change the world. So, for the sake of your own sanity, you just have to accept that people are flawed and try your best to deal with that reality.

03-22-2013, 06:02 PM
I guess I feel I don't know anything that I can say to make you feel better, more relieved, or have any insight to your words. What I can say is that I read and "listened" (to whatever extent that word can apply when reading). Your post was moving, and thought provoking and heart-breaking. I got made fun of a little as a child for being chubby, but never to the extent you have had to deal with. You opened my eyes to an extent of cruelity that on an intellectual level I know exists, but on an emotional level I have never faced or had explained to me. I am so sorry for your pain and experiences in the past. I think you already know this. But you didn't deserve to be treated with anything but respect, caring and love. You deserve to be surrounded by people who give you those things. You obviously are an intelligent and well spoken woman. I hope you find the support you need as you make these decisions for change in your life. Your doing this for your kids is the most noble of reasons any person can have for making life changes. Good luck and thank you for sharing.

03-22-2013, 06:27 PM
Unfortunately we can't go back and change the past. What's over is over. We can move on or we can let it continue to make us miserable. I was always the fat kid and bullied and teased. I was shy and withdrawn. Once I went to work, I saw people enjoying life and wondered why I wasn't. That's was a few years before I joined Weight Watchers. I am a Catholic and perhaps that made it different for me because we are taught to forgive at least 70 x 7 for everything. As I lost weight and thought about what might make me happy, I decided to go to college at night while I worked during the day. I gained confidence because I had more people, and they were kind, to interact with. My life is very different now. I don't harbor past resentments and I am outgoing and try to welcome newcomers to the groups I am in.

Your life is what you make it.

the shiv
03-22-2013, 08:02 PM
I wish I had something coherent to say :( but I'll get out what I can in case any of it helps. I've not been bullied for being fat, but for other reasons. I spent most of my adult life overweight and only became obese in the last few years and have hidden away from the world. This time, I want to be strong when I'm small, because I hate the unwanted attention. I was thin when I was 20, and I was raped by the man I considered my best friend. So I lost my virginity to my rapist. Pretty f*d up, and it took years to forgive that, but it's the point where I started hiding behind the fat. I rationalise it this way:

It doesn't matter if I'm big or small - if I meet someone who is an a**hole, they are an a**hole regardless of what I say, do, look like, believe. If they want to bring me down, they will try. I have to put up with them being an a**hole for X amount of time - they have to put up with it FOREVER.

You don't need to forget that little girl you were. You can reframe the situations that led you here (CBT is good - I've heard good reports about the site mindgym, I think that's the name of it, it teaches you how to use CBT techniques to change the way you view things). But she will always be a part of you. Give her the love now that she deserved then. It'll take time, but it's never too late. Undoing mental trauma is much like unravelling a tangled ball of string. You need to coax out the knots one at a time, and for a while it'll feel like nothing is changing, and when you're done (I use that term loosely as you're never fully "done") there are some kinks in the string, but you can make a huge difference to your life. Huge. If you can't do counselling, do journaling, much like this. Get it OUT. It'll come back, and you'll need to get it out again, but like with therapy, it takes a lot of repetition to truly make a difference. If it works for you, sit in a chair with another chair opposite you, and pretend you're talking to a therapist. Do it lying down on a couch, whatever works for you. Let your subconscious take on the therapist's job of coaxing the answers out of you, because essentially, that's the point. Getting it out in words or writing is the part that helps you understand and arrange in your mind what happened, CBT or suchlike is the toolkit you use to fix up ingrained thought processes that aren't serving you any more. Both are different, and both help.

Forgive me if this is a bad assumption, but it sounds like you have some codependent/perfectionist stuff going on. If so, that will NOT help you. It's a coping strategy I use myself, and it's destroyed friendships, careers, my finances, my weight, and my self-esteem. There is not one thing that you can do to influence the world to be better by being perfect. You CAN make a difference to the world by doing things you care about from a loved and secure place, but not from a place of thinking "if I could only (fill in the blank) then maybe I'd be accepted and loved".

People who do not accept you for who you are are dealing (or not) with THEIR OWN ****. No amount of thin-ness, education, social prowess, impressive careers, money, fashion sense, or whatever will change that. ANYONE WHO DOES NOT ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE CAN ONLY CHANGE ON THEIR OWN. Do what you do because you LOVE it, because it "feels" right, because it suits you. Not because you think it'll make other people more accepting. If you have to be someone you're not, or try harder than you feel is authentic for you, to make people around you like you - find new people. I've been in tow with a few of these kinds before. No matter what you do, it's never enough. They're trying to fill a void within themselves by putting their **** onto YOU, thinking only a change on YOUR part will fix the problem, abdicating them from all responsibility for dealing with themselves. Because if you make yourself into who you think "they" want you to be in an effort to prove yourself, then it'll never EVER be enough.

And about trusting people? Let them earn it. I'm not saying put everyone through the wringer, but let your instincts guide you. They're remarkably accurate. If someone is worth your trust, they'll understand and work with your cautious nature. Nothing wrong with that. And, life isn't a popularity contest. If you think there's something "off" about someone, trust that! You might be right, you might be wrong, but you have nothing to apologise for.

Something else: you will not be perfect! Give up trying (if you are). If you're trying to see the good in things instead of the bad (not putting on rose-tinted glasses, just taking the smog-tinted glasses off and seeing things in a more balanced way), you will "slip up", get depressed, hate everything. This is ok. It's part of the healing process. Just do the best you can with what you have at any given moment.

And remember: living well is the best revenge. Go, and LIVE your life! Show your kid how to develop healthy self-esteem, you can do it. Think about what YOU want, and do it for you and nobody else's approval. Clarify in yourself the treatment you want from people: be specific in your boundaries. Think about consequences you're willing to dish out if people walk over you or treat you badly. This is NOT being a "bad" person. Think of it like owning a shop: you have certain resources. You and others mutually expect different things from your interactions, so that you retain enough resources to be able to look after yourself and the people you care about. If someone damages your stock, seek compensation or restitution, to restore you to your previous position. If you're robbed, you don't just sit back and let it happen.

Fact is, there are w*nkers out there, but don't focus on them. Focus on YOU and the people you love. And I would highly advocate some heavy lifting so that when you're small, you're strong, not waify. Show the world that you can protect yourself through strength, it's much better armour than the invisibility of obesity anyway. Maybe take martial arts classes, even just a few times a month. It should help with your mental focus as well as your physical strength and weight loss - and you'll become more confident in your ability to ward off unwanted attention should it ever come to that. Plus, you can take your son when he's old enough! Imagine yourself in the future - you don't just have to be an objectified, thin trophy - you can be strong and make it known to the world you are a bada**, and a protector of yourself and your family! And how cool would that be?

Apologies for being so verbose, and I hope you find your way through this :hug:

Missys Mom
03-22-2013, 09:17 PM
Wow Lecomtes.....boy, reading your rant, can I ever relate.

I am at 264 lbs but back in 2005 I was a few lbs shy of 400 lbs. In 2007 I decided I had had enough and left my prick of a husband after 15 years...of physical and emotional abuse as well as abuse from his brother's of the main reasons I left besides the abuse of my husband.

All my life I have been bullied all because of my weight.

After my divorce I met this really great guy (or I thought he was, boy was I mistaken and stupid). We met online and carried on for months after that. We even decided to finally meet up. He had mentioned things about heavy women that I refused to see because I thought he truly cared for me for who I am and he told me flat out my weight didnt bother him....he lied. Meanwhile, I fell head over heels in love with the loser. We dated for a few months, met and then I never saw nor heard from him again. I should have paid attention to the red flags.

I also had family members mock me for my weight issue including my grandmother who told my ex husband that he could do so much better than me....he did....he wound up marrying his sugar mommy just 8 months after I walked out on him.

I now hate men, actually I hate all people in general and am pretty much antisocial. I dont go anywhere and I had to move back in with my mom after I lost everything (my townhouse, etc) after I made some bad financial decisions due to my depression.

Also, I am very hard on myself and have absolutely no self esteem.

I am finally getting back on track and am taking an all natural antidepressive after having weaned myself off of meds that I had been taking for years.

Please dont be so hard on yourself....others (like me) have been in the same situation and can relate. Its nice to know there are others out there who understand what I am going through.

I may have just joined this forum yesterday but I am here to chat if you would like.

03-23-2013, 05:38 AM
the shiv..."The right words at the right time can set you on a new path.", I came across that quote a few days ago, and it flashed through my mind while reading your post. You may never fully understand how grateful I am that you took the time to write those words. I cried like crazy while I read them, for several reasons...because I know intuitively you are 100% correct on all counts, because I am so moved by ALL of you lovely people taking time out of your day to share your wisdom with me, and lastly because I want to be a badass! :) I saved your writing so I can come back to it when I need a reminder of these truths! While I've never met you, you have truly inspired me.

Everybody else- I HAVE to go to sleep, but I will respond to you tomorrow, just know that I have never in my life experienced such kind words and thoughts from strangers. I feel a renewed sense of hope that maybe there are more good apples in the world than I thought.
I just started a My Fitness Pal account, if any of you have one and would like a buddy, my "name" is yesterdayusaid2morrow

03-25-2013, 05:04 PM
Lecomtes, I have never posted on a message board at 3FC before and have always been a lurker. But your post is making speak in case it helps you since I relate so completely to you. EVERYTHING that you have written, I have experienced, thought, and felt and still desperately struggle with despite losing weight.

The one thing that seemed to help me (forgive me if this is a bit too much) was thinking about the afterlife. Not morbidly, I swear! I was thinking about why one lives a life, and why are we here and if the soul is separate from the physical world and all that nonsense, and if I would forget all the beautiful music I had heard in my life when I died or is there some sort of cosmic record store? (OK, I was slightly suicidal for about a year due to how depressed I was about my weight, crappy job, and the thoughts you are describing which left me with such an infinite sense of ABSOLUTE FUTILITY about people and the world)
Regardless of my thoughts, it lead to 2 simple conclusions. And these conclusions turned things around for me.
1. Being big, and all of the negative accoutrements that go along with it, gave me a unique perspective on life that thin folks are simply not privy to in their lifetime. I would not trade my perspective, my empathy, my understanding for others, for absolutely anything and neither should you. Other folks are to be genuinely pitied and I now I genuinely do.
2. Perhaps people are on earth to learn lessons (Sounds like something someone tells a 5 year old, I know! I sorry... but what know?) In any event, lessons I have learned from myself are precious and they are mine, and other, bigoted or thin folks simply are not ready for them yet in this life because they are not as strong. It takes a freaking STRONG person to be big! It is not for the faint of heart. Maybe they will be fat in the next and then they will learn from it just like we are now. Rejoice! We are probably whipping their *** on the spiritual highway.

These 2 conclusions, when I spent time thinking deeply on them, led me to loving myself (because I realized that being big was was a way of helping myself) and being able to let go which then allowed me to make the choices I knew I had to make for a healthier life. It was like saying a bittersweet goodbye instead of fighting and struggling.
I had learned from the old me, finally, and she is still with me. I lost weight, but not my perspective.
Just remember you are not getting healthier for them, but for you. SCREW them! But remember to genuinely pity them too :) seriously.
And one of the best quotes I found that stuck with and I say it everyday is...
Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. But feeling fat? That is F@%CKING HARD! So choose your hard.

03-26-2013, 04:23 PM
"Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. But feeling fat? That is F@%CKING HARD! So choose your hard." <3

Thank you Earthling. While it breaks my heart that there are many other children who have gone through, and continue to go through things such as we are right that the experience of being overweight is probably the hardest thing, and it has helped mold me into a kind and caring person also. I am thankful for that. Thanks for reminding me there is a yin to every yang. :)

03-26-2013, 07:02 PM
Yay! You can do this if you want to!

04-08-2013, 03:06 AM
I too can relate to the OP with the two sides, you learn early as a child when you aren't thin, you should disappear, and to an extent, you do. But there is a fire that burns inside that says I am important and I have every right to live and beloved just like someone who is thin. Like why should such an arbitrary factor such as weight matter and be a measure of how much value you have as a human being. I can't say that I have fully figured out how to move on perfectly, but someone once told me the best revenge is to live a good life. The part about those people not thinking about what they did to you is so true. I don't get Facebook messages or cards of apology, and probably never will. My Dad still gives me crap about my weight, even when I am thin! Other people really don't matter, you have to love yourself and be happy about your life. There is a percentage of our population that has bought into it's okay to hate on fat people and that's their problem. Most likely, they at going to find themselves fat with that awesome attitutude and good ole karma. You really don't want to look back at your life and realize how much precious time you have dedicated to people who are not worth even one second. Again, the best revenge you can is to live a good life according to what makes you happy and educate the next generation of children to love instead of discriminate.

04-10-2013, 10:09 PM
"I too can relate to the OP with the two sides, you learn early as a child when you aren't thin, you should disappear, and to an extent, you do. But there is a fire that burns inside that says I am important and I have every right to live and beloved just like someone who is thin. Like why should such an arbitrary factor such as weight matter and be a measure of how much value you have as a human being."

AMEN Cec414! You are so right, I don't want to waste another moment thinking about those people! I want to focus on the loving people around me instead. :) I feel like 3FC has helped greatly to move me away from thinking about them :)

04-11-2013, 01:03 PM
Le, you are not alone I too was bullied in school, I gained more weight after I was rapped, I was also sexually abused as a child twice, once by a neighbor and once by a family member. I can still remember the taunts that plagued me in high school, I can still remember the things men said. Part of me gained weight so I wouldn't be noticed, I was afraid I was going to be sexually abused again. I am now going to therapy. It is sad that in this world looks mean everything.

04-12-2013, 11:59 AM

Can I just say, that everything you wrote resonated with me? I've had similar experiences (although in my story I replace your dad with my mom).

And... you are a fantastic writer.

Okay... so here's the thing... you can have all of the confidence in the world, but when it comes to being publicly shamed and shunned, confidence doesn't help fight that battle. So I love that you pointed that out in your original post.

How did we get here as a society? How did we get to the point where the outside and aesthetics is way more important than the content of person's character?

What I know is this: Losing weight for yourself is more important than losing weight for anyone else. As someone who has always struggled with being fat, obese, etc. I can honestly say that if you have to lose weight for someone to love you, then that person isn't worth YOUR time and love.

Look at how intelligent you are! You are gorgeous inside and out. F*ck the people who can't see that. They aren't worth it anyway.

ETA: You know what the hardest thing was for me to learn to do? It was hard for me to drop the @ssholes in my life because I was afraid that if I did, I would be alone. I almost felt like I deserved their hatred and criticism. The truth? Once I dropped those toxic people, I learned to appreciate the people who really mattered even more. I wasn't alone and my life was better. I learned to appreciate and love myself. Trust me... it opens your eyes up to a whole new way of thinking and it is quite liberating.

04-12-2013, 04:22 PM
I love the way you write! You hit the nail right on the head! I too have questions like yours. But the important thing is to surround yourself with people who were always there for you through thick And thin pun intended. Helen Keller could see who the jerks are and always were. Just don't let your guard down and when it's time to find mr right you know what to look for. You're gorgeous! Smart! Awesome writer! You've got a lot going on :) keep on truckin'!

04-13-2013, 11:36 AM
I can relate but I wasn't overweight, just different. I was bullied and picked on relentlessly in grade school and nobody ever did anything to help me. To this day I feel horrid resentment towards those girls and have anger issues. I was binge drinking and smoking pot by 15. Drank heavy until about 32. My self-esteem was very very low, dated a lot of abusive men but finally got a nice guy 5 years ago. Now I am bullied by my employers but I finally gave notice after 4 years of BS. It just seems to never end sometimes. :hug:

04-16-2013, 11:35 PM
Tracy- I am so sorry these things happened to you. It seems like many women, myself included, struggle with these issues of preferring not to be seen.

Kelmomto3- "How did we get here as a society? How did we get to the point where the outside and aesthetics is way more important than the content of person's character?"
That's a great question. I don't think I'll ever fully understand it, but I think it's some combination of the free-market and not enough female marketing executives. Haha! Seriously though, I also wonder...what can we do to change it? Is the best we can hope for to become thin and be nice to overweight people? I hope to instill in my kids true compassion and kindness, but I wonder at times if I send mixed messages about the importance of outward appearance. For instance...spending an hour on my hair and makeup every morning while my daughter looks on...If I tell her there is beauty in all people as they are, then proceed to engage in the ritual rearranging of my own physical appearance...what is the take home message for her? I struggle with that. I suppose these issues belong to all women.

Chelle- "The important thing is to surround yourself with people who were always there for you through thick And thin pun intended."...hahaha! Thank you for that. Great reminder. :) We can change that ole fb meme to...If you can't handle me at my thickest, then you don't deserve me at my thinnest! :)

novangel- I'm so sorry, It just kills me inside that kids go through crap like you have every. single. day. I also turned to substances when I was younger to evade my reality, and it really set me back. Those were some of my lowest moments. Looking back on it now I feel I truly wanted to die in my early twenties, but I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my mom by taking my own life, so I partook of every toxic combo I could fathom. Of course now I feel like an idiot for not valuing my life more, I'm so happy I made it out of that time...and I'm happy you did too. :) (congrats on the nice guy and giving notice...boy there are no shortage of frogs out there eh?) Life is too short to associate with *******s, that's for sure!

Once again, LOVE to all you people. Since writing the OP I feel like such a huge (mental) weight has been lifted. I am cautiously optimistic about my recent weight loss, still convincing myself that falling off the wagon for a meal doesn't necessitate letting the wagon then run you over and leave you in the muck. I feel I truly want it now, and I feel like I am kinder to myself in my own mind. (if that makes sense, haha) Your comments have shown me that I am not crazy for carrying a bit if anger, and I am not alone.

04-17-2013, 08:42 AM
Hi Lecomtes,

I totally dig what you said.

I was never mocked for being fat, BUT:

I was very, very thin when I was a teenager, and people would mock me calling me "the skeleton".

I was also very taunted by some boys for not having any breasts.

When I had glasses at age 8 that also made some people mock me.

My dad and brother called me "pizza face" all the years I had acne.

And recently I've had a boyfriend make rude comments on my teeth (a bit broken).

Some people also mocked my car for not being fancy enough.

Bottomline is; F**** THEM ALL!!!!!

Now I'm curvy, with (push-up) boobs, teeth almost fixed, clear skin and on my way to making a lot of money (but still have my dowdy car), and they are:

don't know and don't care;

If that's you in the picture, my oh my you are BEAUTIFUL! You have a lovely sweet face, rich dark eyes, and your locks look thick and shiny? You will have these traits forever, fat or not.

Better to be pretty and big than ugly and thin; you can always lose the fat, but not the ugliness :-) :-)

and also, all these mean people were ugly on the inside.

Your hatred of them is a tremendous power for you to get ahead in life.

And once you'll be ahead, which I don't doubt for a second, you will gradually come to terms with all that, and bit by bit shrug it off.

Many hugs to you dear friend,


04-17-2013, 02:12 PM
Lumina-Bottomline is; F**** THEM ALL!!!!! ...................MWAH, LOVE TO YOU! Haha, made me smile!

04-18-2013, 09:43 AM
I've been pondering similar issues lately.
I've come to the conclusion that human beings are shallow, fickle, and move on without a second thought, the minute you are of no further use to them.
I've been burned by narcissists lately, but now I think that everyone is one.

My only response is to strive to be the most beautiful, thin, glamorous, young looking, and talented person in the room, and to keep one's heart behind a thick wall of steel...... because people can and will abandon you at a moment's notice.
Buddhist ideas of impermanence are helping me not become too bitter and misanthropic, but it is a hard reality to face, about our species.

04-18-2013, 09:58 AM
I have also been thinking about this, and I don't know that vile behavior deserves forgiveness. What it needs is fight back. That is for all women, fat, thin, and all ways in between who are judged and dismissed. The world has progressed a long way, but we still live in a culture of misogyny. A huge part of that is built into women feeling terrible about themselves. What a fantastic way to oppress people. Keep them busy hating themselves. Also buying things:

So I think the thing to do is confront it if we can and not let men (or other women for that matter) have a free pass. I don't do this all the time - sometimes I have the energy, sometimes I don't. But as much as possible if I am confronted with body hate either way, I try and say something.

04-18-2013, 10:20 AM
So I read your post but I haven't read everyone else's responses so hopefully I'm not just repeating what anyone else has said.

IMHO: The people who caused your hard feelings are not giving you a second thought. They are happily living their life. The only person that your hard feelings are hurting right now is you. It stinks really, we'd all like to think that the people who hurt us have a conscience and are sitting around beating themselves up but they are not. They have no idea how deeply they cut you with their actions. My advice: You are only hurting yourself by hanging on to the anger. Let it go. Physically and mentally let go of the anger. When I've had to forgive someone for majorly being a jerk, it took at while but eventually I realized that they aren't giving me a second thought and that I shouldn't waste any more of my time, energy, or emotions on them. Let it go. I actually have to say it out loud and I have to remind myself again and again when the bad feelings try to sneak back in. Let it go. Embrace peace, love, charity, and happiness. Enjoy your children, teach them to love everyone.

I hope I didn't offend.....

04-19-2013, 05:37 AM
Great post Lecomtes! I enjoyed it and totally relate.

I know that a better social life comes with losing weight, but sometimes, I can't help but to think I don't want to associate with the common thin people, who can't even show the common courtesy of holding a door open for someone who is different (mainly men). It just disgusts me what the average person in our society is, and I want nothing to do with them.

Losing weight will be like losing the automatic 'jerk' detector. It's amazing what you learn about people and society when you've been fat your entire life.

I guess the best we can do is hope to meet the few good people out there. The people who know there are more important things in life then what someone looks like.