***I posted this on another forum and got lynched... not saying I didn't deserve at least some of it... I am hoping people here might be a little more sympathetic and give me real advie rather then just rip into me, considering my looks and my weight actually play a small part in why this happened. Since this was posted though, my ex has been blocked on facebook and I do plan to tell my boyfriend what happened when I see him this weekend.***
I feel terrible. Everyone has permission to virtually slap me silly. I need it.
I am in a good relationship with a good man. We've been together almost 8 months and he's an amazing person.
We have a very non jealous relationship. He is still friends with his ex and they even hang out once in a while. I have met her and she's nice. I have no problem with this at all.
There is one ex I still talk to once in a while. It seems like about every three months or so, he checks in. He usually does this via facebook chat, but sometimes I get a text or even a call. The last time he called me my BF was here and new it was him and had no problem with it.
Last night I was hanging out with my BF, and I had my laptop open playing a game. My ex IMed me on facebook. One of my best friends who is currently out of state was also IMing me at the same time.
Bottom line, the conversation with my ex got outright flirtatious. I can't really say if it was him who started it or me. It was mutual.
I was telling him about the film project I'm working on right now. He said when it's done he would love to check it out. I told him when it's done I will let him know, and I said I'm sure it will be posted online somewhere. And he responded with, "Ah, you mean I can't can't come over and check it out?" I said, "You just want to know where I live you stalker."
My ex doesn't know where I live. I moved shortly after the breakup and I have actually tried to keep it hidden from him. Long story but he has a tendency to randomly show up places unannounced and wear out his welcome. We have a lot of mutual friends, and none of our mutual friends were invited to my housewarming party, etc.
And I told him I was just teasing when I called him a stalker, and he said, "Yea, but not teasing in the fun way."
I told him I was thinking about him the day before that because it was a mutual friend's birthday... and after that friend's birthday party a few years ago was when I first hooked up with him. He said, "Yea, we had some good times didn't we?"
I told him yes we did, and then I changed the subject. I started talking about this bar him and I used to go to a lot and how it's changed since they are under new ownership. He said he hasn't been down there since it's a different scene now. I said, "Yea, it's not the same anymore."
He said, "Well maybe you and I should go down there sometime for a couple drinks."
I said, "Ah, you just want to get me drunk."
He was like, "Yea, maybe."
I changed the subject then and started waiting a long time to respond to his IMs. He asked me what I was doing last night and hinted that he wanted me to meet him at that place then. I told him I was hanging out with my BF.
At one point my bf left to go get food. I offered to go with him but he was like, "No, you stay here and talk to *my friend* since you haven't heard from her in a while." He didn't know I was also talking to my ex. I can't even really give a reason why I didn't tell him. If he would have asked who I was talking to I would have told him. But I didn't volunteer the info I guess out of guilt.
So... I know this is a really mild offense. But I try to treat others as I would want to be treated... and I know if the shoe was on the other foot and my bf was flirting with his ex I would be upset. I know what I did was wrong and I feel really bad.
I have no intention of ever meeting up with my ex or doing anything with him. He ripped my heart to pieces. Something about him still being attracted to me is really, really flattering. And that's all last night was for me, flattery. I don't still have feelings for him. I have recently lost a lot of weight and I look a lot better now then I did when I was dating him. Part of me liked rubbing that in his face like, "Haha, look what you missed out on!"
So... any thoughts or advice are appreciated. I won't do it again. In fact I'm considering blocking him altogether so this won't happen in the future.
I think it's totally natural for you to want him to see how well you are doing now. So it got a little flirty and it made you uncomfortable so you ended it. You did the right thing and have nothing to feel sorry for.
Block him and move on. You may feel like it was a "mild offense," but the fact that you didn't want to volunteer that you were speaking to him speaks volumes.
This is how affairs get started. It's all "innocent" until things get deeper and deeper. The fact that you told him he just wanted to get you drunk and he agreed is not a good thing.
There are such things as emotional affairs which are, a lot of times, harder to end than just physical.
You may say you no longer have feelings for him, but I think you are trying to fool yourself. By keeping him in your life, you are treading on dangerous ground.
If he ripped your heart to shreds, shows up places uninvited and wears out his welcome, then he is no good for you. Don't associate with someone who could end up compromising your new relationship. Is it really worth the risk?
I won't rip into you, or insult you, or any of that. I can tell you that my husband cheated on me, and I have talked to many other people who have been in that boat (both the cheaters and the cheated on) and read a whole lot about it. The biggest common factor among a lot of the cheaters is that "I never meant for it to happen, it just progressed."
Block him. And you may need to step back and evaluate why you feel you need to dangle yourself in front of him. In the grand scheme of things, whose "approval" is really important? Your own. (And to a lesser extent, your current boyfriend.)
However, as others have said, you crossed over into very shady territory. You were doing something you know would hurt your boyfriends feelings and felt the need to hide it. Do not let yourself get in that position again.
The guy does sound kind of creepy so is getting flirty and making this ex jealous worth compromising your current relationship? I highly doubt it.
I don't think there's anything to "confess" I would just avoid the ex from now on.
I have a "no ex" rule. They are exes for a reason. My husband's exes are always trying to get in touch with him but he knows that I am not OK with that. Not that I am insecure or anything, it's just very... Awkward. You just knos those kind of comments will come along "remember this or that"... I just don't like it.
But anyhow... Regarding your situation... I think you need to get him out of your life... TO ME, there is no point of being friends with you ex if kids are not involved. Tell your BF in a very casual way, that you were also talking to this guy but felt uncomfortable and decided to block him... You shouldn't make it a big deal because nothing was done or said that would put your relationship at risk.
You did nothing wrong, but telling him will make you feel better.
I think you are in a grey area. Nothing damaging happened, you stopped it before it crossed over into the point of no return. Naturally, we feel bad about this stuff but there is no reason to beat yourself up over it. These things happen in life. The point is that you caught it before you entered into any real harm!
Ceon again thank you all for replying. It makes me feel better then the things I am being told on the other forum I posted this on. I will write in more detail later.
I really don't think you need to beat yourself up about this. You were being flirty and you realized it was wrong, but you didn't have cybersex with him or make plans to meet up with him! I don't know why everyone ripped you to shreds on the other forum- it says more about them than it does about you. Just set better boundaries and be totally open with your boyfriend about who you're talking to.
Furthermore, honestly, if my boyfriend talked to an ex and wanted to rub it in her face that he's doing well I'm not sure I'd mind. I am the jealous type, but I trust him when he tells me what his feelings are. If he didn't have feelings for a girl, I woud believe him. You don't have feelings for your ex, you just wanted to say, "Hey jerk I'm awesome now and I don't really have any interest in you but go ahead stroke my ego." Maybe that's immature, but I don't think you were being unfaithful.
Last edited by CabernetKitty; 02-28-2013 at 08:04 PM.
Block him and move on. You may feel like it was a "mild offense," but the fact that you didn't want to volunteer that you were speaking to him speaks volumes.
This is how affairs get started. It's all "innocent" until things get deeper and deeper. The fact that you told him he just wanted to get you drunk and he agreed is not a good thing.
There are such things as emotional affairs which are, a lot of times, harder to end than just physical.
You may say you no longer have feelings for him, but I think you are trying to fool yourself. By keeping him in your life, you are treading on dangerous ground.
If he ripped your heart to shreds, shows up places uninvited and wears out his welcome, then he is no good for you. Don't associate with someone who could end up compromising your new relationship. Is it really worth the risk?
I won't rip into you, or insult you, or any of that. I can tell you that my husband cheated on me, and I have talked to many other people who have been in that boat (both the cheaters and the cheated on) and read a whole lot about it. The biggest common factor among a lot of the cheaters is that "I never meant for it to happen, it just progressed."
Block him. And you may need to step back and evaluate why you feel you need to dangle yourself in front of him. In the grand scheme of things, whose "approval" is really important? Your own. (And to a lesser extent, your current boyfriend.)
Oh...just saw you blocked him. Good for you!
Yea... I didn't want to volunteer that information... but if he would have asked I would have told him. I know that's really bad.
I have friends who have cheated and confided in me about it. I'm a good listener so they all come to me I guess. And you're right. This is how it always starts.
I have also been cheated on...
I ket him in my life mainly because we were friends for a while before we dated. I missed my friend more then I missed my love. But now after the other night I really have no desire to keep talking to him. He clearly doesn't care that I am with someone else. He wants to get me drunk. He wants to know where I live... He is just being creepy.
However, as others have said, you crossed over into very shady territory. You were doing something you know would hurt your boyfriends feelings and felt the need to hide it. Do not let yourself get in that position again.
The guy does sound kind of creepy so is getting flirty and making this ex jealous worth compromising your current relationship? I highly doubt it.
I don't think there's anything to "confess" I would just avoid the ex from now on.
I was debating on whether or not to even tell my boyfriend... I know that sounds really bad. But I figure, this was a one time thing. It's not going to happen again. I blocked my ex. I was wondering if I really even need to tell him.
I was trying to put myself in his shoes. If the shoe was on the other foot and he blocked his ex, would I even need to know? Would I even want to know? Well, no, not really.
I am still wrestling with this though... I want to be honest and own up to my actions. But I also don't want to hurt him. And what if I don't tell him, and then some time passes and he finds out? Then he's going to wonder why I didn't just tell him when it happened.
Idk... as of now I am going to tell him. But I'm going to start out by telling him I blocked my ex on facebook, then I will tell him why.
Messed up and feel really bad... Need advice
