My mother really does not love me and says some horrendous things to me. For example, she says I am fat (I am now) but she said it even when I was 9 stone and 10 stone! And she says my boyfriend is a loser (she doesn't even know him) but she says I am too fat to get anyone better so she says I am only with him because I am fat. This is not true, I am with him because I love him and he is with me because he loves me even though she says he is only with me because he can't get anyone better. I remember when my second boyfriend cheated on me and I told her about it, I thought she would be sympathetic (that's why I told her) but all she could say was 'you utter prostitute, only slags get cheated on'. She had never even met him and I was a virgin before I met him so I was not a slag. Everything she says is full of vitriol. I said to her 'if I'm that bad then why do so many people like me?' and she said they don't, they just feel sorry for me and I am easy to take advantage of so that's why people want to know me. She is always saying she has given up on me but I have no idea what she wants of me. I am educated to a postgraduate level and I was a cheerleader until recently. Surely that's good? I don't know why she makes up all these things about me. She also says I need to lose at least four stone as I am clinically obese but in fact I am at the low end of the overweight range!
Sorry for the rant but I would like to know if it is normal for mothers to say these things?
Second, no, definitely not normal. Those are horrible things to say to anyone, let alone your own child!
Third, she's wrong. Even if you did have an very active sexual life, that doesn't make you a slag or a prostitute. Being a prostitute makes you a prostitute.
I'm so sorry she's saying things like this to you. I know I don't know you that well, but I see a lot of the threads you post on, and you seem like a really great person.
Your mother must be a very deeply unhappy person, to bring you down so much. This is not your fault, and is in no way connected to you. I know it's hard, even harder than it sounds, but you need to figure out how to just let it roll off your back and ignore her. You know that your mother clearly isn't the right person to go to for comfort, or maybe anything at all, so find a friend or someone close to talk to if you need it.
Heck, if you're really feeling brave, tell her that you want to be able to talk to her about things, but since all she can say are negative comments, you're not going to bother anymore. But then again, I might be a little more confrontational than you are.
I think you should stay away from your mother. There is something wrong with her. She obviously is jealous of you and is missing things in her own life. I would seek out a counselor and move on with my life. Let her come to you. She sounds like a disaster.
No that is not normal! You need to cut her out of your life. I don't know what her issue is, maybe mental illness, maybe she's just a bad person; but either way you have no need to put up with POISON like that from anyone, mother or not. You owe her nothing. Get away from her and stay away.
I thought my mother was pretty bad, but now I see yours might just be on the next level.. Mine definitely does many similar things only she has never called me a prostitute. I won't go into anymore detail as this is about you and not me.
But I can definitely support what everyone else is saying! My life got so much better since my mother left, and you are grown up and able to do it on your own! Like LockItUp says: you don't owe her anything! She chose to have you, you didn't choose her so if she can't treat you like a normal person, she doesn't deserve your respect or your attention. I know it sounds harsh and people will say "she's still your mother", but from someone who has been more or less in your shoes: that doesn't mean anything! If she makes you feel this bad, deliberately (!!!), keep contact with her to a minimum. Really.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I have a great mom and even though we often clash with each other she never discourage me. But at some point when I was 12, she had to go abroad to study and leave me in my aunt care. And my aunt was so mean to me. I don't get why she only pick on me, not my two younger sibling, and I was already insecure about my curly hair that no one had, so I kinda shut myself out. She made fun of my weight, my hair and at some point, beat me and I thought that I would hate her for life. Years later, I find out that she had depression, right at the time I was left in her care, and it kinda clear to me why she acted that way. I still don't like her, but I don't resent her. My point is, has your mother been always like that? Before my mom sent me to my aunt I never interact with her so I don't know how she was like before, hence I had no idea she was having a depression. But you know your mom all of your life. If she just recently become like that then she definitely needs help. If not, well then just don't let her word weigh you down. And last, good luck to you. Even though we can't interact face to face with each other but you have our support
Last edited by ugogurl; 10-30-2012 at 06:05 PM.
Reason: adding info
Thank you guys! The thing is, I feel bad about offloading all this onto my friends and boyfriend as they may find me a drag if I say all this. So it is very hard to keep a balanced perspective on things when the only views I get are my mother's views. It is excellent to get your inputs and I think nomorejellybeans suggestion of a counselor is great. I have been cutting her out of my life over the last year for the sake of my sanity while I was doing my postgrad degree but now I am back home looking for jobs and it is making me sad that I live in a house with a mother who really does not like me plus I cannot avoid her now! But thank you all so much for your advice, it is appreciated!
Have you told your mother how you feel about her speaking to you like that? I know it can be hard facing up to a parent. My father always treats me like im special needs, even though I have two degrees and do better in life than he ever did. I think it is just a way for her to feel better about herself. I know it doesnt sound like something a mother would do but it is possible. I was the first child and my parents were young when I was born so they took more out on me because they didnt have any parenting skills. If you cant seem to make her understand how you feel its time to let her go. You can still be friendly just dont tell her your personal info.
When I said she was unsupportive she said I was a manic depressive for thinking that! She has told my siblings I have manic depression and that that's the reason I don't like her. I think calling me a manic depressive is an insult to real manic depressives! It's like she HAS to have the final say on everything and can't admit she is wrong. She treats talking about problems as a battle where she has to win rather than an exercise to resolve conflict. It is interesting that you were an oldest child, fluffy chickadee because I am too. Maybe she just doesn't get how to be a parent! And ugogirl, my mother has been like this since I was at least ten (and I am now 25). She has had to take prozac although I am not sure if she still does. I used to try and support her and put up with her because I know she must be unhappy to say these things but it is too much now. I always thought things would get better as I got older but they never did!
It's absolutely not normal for mothers to say such things. And painful as it is, unless you live with her, I suggest you get away from her. She's a toxic person who only makes you feel unnecessarily bad about yourself. It's hard to say why- she sounds horrid to me- but the why doesn't matter so much as WHAT you do about it. And if you can get away from her, you should. You shouldn't be around anyone that makes you feel bad about yourself, especially when the things she's saying are clearly untrue and only designed to hurt your feelings.
I am celebrating divorcing from my mother a year ago next week. It was so necessary. Sure, I got and still get a lot of garbage from people who have no idea what it's like to have a mother such as this. I can't talk about this with anyone where I live. So I found a different support system with an online group called Daughters of Narcisistic Mothers. They really helped me this past year, getting past the pain and the guilt, helping me accept that walking away from this abusive person was the best course of action and convincing me, finally, that I'm not the bad person in this. In the past year, I've had the opportunity to have a real life again, on my own terms. I've lost 35 lbs. too, just from not eating over the emotional anxiety any longer.
I wish you lots of luck and hope you get all the support you truly deserve, so you can grow into the woman you respect the most, for yourself.
Yeah, this is abuse. I don't know why parents treat their kids this way, but some do. The woman who gave birth to me is a similar nasty awful person. I cut ties and haven't looked back. You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated that way.
No, it isn't normal for a mother to treat her child that way. At least not in my family. If my mom ever said anything like that, I would think that she was replaced by an alien or that her brain was damaged by a stroke.
I think that your mother might be jealous of you. Maybe she sees in you the things that she never did. Sometimes people belittle others in an attempt to boost their own self-perception.
You said that you are living with her, because you are looking for a job. Is there an aunt or other family member that you could live with temporarily? I think it would be best to get some space between your mother and yourself.
I am celebrating divorcing from my mother a year ago next week. It was so necessary. Sure, I got and still get a lot of garbage from people who have no idea what it's like to have a mother such as this. I can't talk about this with anyone where I live. So I found a different support system with an online group called Daughters of Narcisistic Mothers. They really helped me this past year, getting past the pain and the guilt, helping me accept that walking away from this abusive person was the best course of action and convincing me, finally, that I'm not the bad person in this. In the past year, I've had the opportunity to have a real life again, on my own terms. I've lost 35 lbs. too, just from not eating over the emotional anxiety any longer.
I wish you lots of luck and hope you get all the support you truly deserve, so you can grow into the woman you respect the most, for yourself.
Sorry to go away from the OP, but I just checked out that site, and it's like reading about my life. I am so thankful for you sharing site!!
I really need someone to talk to about my mother
