General chatter - if it had been anybody else, i'd've been crushed.




threenorns
04-20-2012, 01:06 AM
my daughter's father was in rare form tonight. the argument culminated with him saying "lose weight!? YOU lose weight!? where!? you're as fat as ever!"



needless to say, that's pretty much killed anything that might've been repaired between us and the really sad thing is i don't actually care what he has to say or what he thinks. were he to drop at my feet, i'd step over him on the way to the kettle for a nice hot cup of tea before i called 911.

assuming i could i find his phone (as *if* i'd call on MY dime!).


what it boils down to is, he expects me to do 100% of the housework; 100% of the parenting; 100% of the laundry; prepare family meals; AND pay half of all the bills (such as the mortgage on HIS house, the insurance on HIS car, the hydro - two baths a week is "excessive" but he's okay to shower twice a day). oh - and i'm to just keep on paying 100% of the internet even though he's streaming indian movies 4-5hrs a day.

about cooking: it's apparently perfectly acceptable for him to not let me know when he'll be home and, assuming i timed it right and food was ready when he got home, it's absolutely fine for him to lift the lid, peer into it as though i forgot to kill whatever's in there, and say "no.... no, i don't feel to eat that. i'll just go down the road and get something". he's "particular", you see, when it comes to food - he can't eat "just any old slop".


personally, i'm thinking i can do better than $800 a month for what boils down to a room in the basement - not even a full apartment.

and now i'm going to bed.

good night everybody.


ValRock
04-20-2012, 01:12 AM
Yikes, I'm so sorry...

Sounds like it's time for him to hit the road.

luckymommy
04-20-2012, 01:12 AM
Maybe he made that comment because he senses that you no longer care and he'd rather hurt you than not influence you in any way? Not sure if that's true or if it makes sense. I feel for you though. That's no way to treat a woman. I'm glad at least you weren't crushed.


LandonsBaby
04-20-2012, 01:13 AM
I'm sorry. What a jerk! :mad:

ValRock
04-20-2012, 01:17 AM
Maybe he made that comment because he senses that you no longer care and he'd rather hurt you than not influence you in any way? Not sure if that's true or if it makes sense. I feel for you though. That's no way to treat a woman. I'm glad at least you weren't crushed.

You know what? This comment makes a LOT of sense. I had a falling out with a friend that deteriorated to this extent. In the end, we realized all the nasty *below the belt* name calling was tied to each of us being so hurt we didn't know how else to express ourselves. Luckily, we were able to patch things up... but it really opened my eyes to this kind of behavior in other relationships. Sometimes we are just so hurt we don't know how to communicate without being nasty. Without our walls. His words were cruel, and there is no excuse for them... but maybe he's hurting too?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Arctic Mama
04-20-2012, 02:04 AM
Ugh, what a mess, indeed. Whatever the reason, that was a completely rude thing to say. He clearly has no respect for you at all, and you can do better for that much grief!

lostangel05
04-20-2012, 02:38 AM
What an a-hole!!

TiffNeedsChange
04-20-2012, 02:45 AM
He sounds very selfish and verbally abusive. I would make a chore calendar so that you can share responsibility, and I would map out a fair budget. Men can only do to you what you allow them to. I was in a bad relationship once, had to leave because he would never change. I hope things get better for you.

melodymist
04-20-2012, 02:48 AM
Don't you dare listen to any of this nonsens that he says! You are worth so much more ;)

MamaBravo
04-20-2012, 03:09 AM
What made me finally reach my breaking point was realizing that my kids, especially my daughter, was watching their dad treat me like crap, verbally abuse and torment me. I finally asked myself "Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay to be treated this way? Do I want my sons to think that it is okay to treat women this way? " A big **** NO on both accounts.
You and your daughter deserve to be treated better than this. Good luck hun.

tribalgirl
04-20-2012, 04:20 AM
Wow, that's not appropriate behavior from him. Sorry you're going through this, I hope you know it's not about you.

I don't know why people feel the need to lash out verbally (or otherwise) to make themselves feel better. Sounds like he needs a time out. :(

Amy23
04-20-2012, 05:29 AM
my daughter's father was in rare form tonight. the argument culminated with him saying "lose weight!? YOU lose weight!? where!? you're as fat as ever!"



needless to say, that's pretty much killed anything that might've been repaired between us and the really sad thing is i don't actually care what he has to say or what he thinks. were he to drop at my feet, i'd step over him on the way to the kettle for a nice hot cup of tea before i called 911.

assuming i could i find his phone (as *if* i'd call on MY dime!).


what it boils down to is, he expects me to do 100% of the housework; 100% of the parenting; 100% of the laundry; prepare family meals; AND pay half of all the bills (such as the mortgage on HIS house, the insurance on HIS car, the hydro - two baths a week is "excessive" but he's okay to shower twice a day). oh - and i'm to just keep on paying 100% of the internet even though he's streaming indian movies 4-5hrs a day.

about cooking: it's apparently perfectly acceptable for him to not let me know when he'll be home and, assuming i timed it right and food was ready when he got home, it's absolutely fine for him to lift the lid, peer into it as though i forgot to kill whatever's in there, and say "no.... no, i don't feel to eat that. i'll just go down the road and get something". he's "particular", you see, when it comes to food - he can't eat "just any old slop".


personally, i'm thinking i can do better than $800 a month for what boils down to a room in the basement - not even a full apartment.

and now i'm going to bed.

good night everybody.

Doesn't sound as if anyone's happy with this arrangement. :( I hope things improve for you soon. :hug:

What made me finally reach my breaking point was realizing that my kids, especially my daughter, was watching their dad treat me like crap, verbally abuse and torment me. I finally asked myself "Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay to be treated this way? Do I want my sons to think that it is okay to treat women this way? " A big **** NO on both accounts.
You and your daughter deserve to be treated better than this. Good luck hun.

Your kids are lucky to have such a smart, caring mother. Good on you for realizing you deserve so much better, and for not allowing your partner to abuse you in front of your children. No one is worth that. :hug:

threenorns
04-20-2012, 08:35 AM
What made me finally reach my breaking point was realizing that my kids, especially my daughter, was watching their dad treat me like crap, verbally abuse and torment me. I finally asked myself "Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay to be treated this way? Do I want my sons to think that it is okay to treat women this way? " A big **** NO on both accounts.
You and your daughter deserve to be treated better than this. Good luck hun.


that is precisely why i left him the first time. the whole time he was living with me, things were fine - i put my foot down and told him there was no way he is disrespecting me in MY home in front of our daughter.

but now it's "HIS" house so he figures he can do and say anything he wants and he's the king of his domain.


up to last night, i cared very deeply. now i'm done. all he cares about is money - that's it. all that wood i split? doesn't count - "i didn't ask you to do it" and i'm supposed to be so impressed and grateful that he picked up a phone and called his friend to bring over a chain saw. that was a lot of effort, you know - it took time out of his day. caring for our daughter? doesn't count - "you'se the mother - what else you here for?".


i lost my job unexpectedly last month so he had to cover my share of the expenses. now he wants all last month's money AND this month's by the end of the month "or you see what happens". that means i'll have to put a stop to my cell phone and the internet (since he's not interested in paying for it). i'm thinking of leaving him again - but this time i'd be going to fort macmurray. my daughter caiti lives there and has been harassing me HUGE to join her. if not there, my oldest daughter lives in calgary and just loves it.

kirsteng
04-20-2012, 08:41 AM
It really sounds like this relationship is dead in the water. Negative in so many respects.. there's no partnership there and no respect. Even though it's hard, financially especially, it sounds like you need to make the move. You'll look back on this in a few months' time and I bet you'll be SO glad that you gathered the courage to leave.

Best of luck to you. :hug:

Amy23
04-20-2012, 08:43 AM
that is precisely why i left him the first time. the whole time he was living with me, things were fine - i put my foot down and told him there was no way he is disrespecting me in MY home in front of our daughter.

but now it's "HIS" house so he figures he can do and say anything he wants and he's the king of his domain.


up to last night, i cared very deeply. now i'm done. all he cares about is money - that's it. all that wood i split? doesn't count - "i didn't ask you to do it" and i'm supposed to be so impressed and grateful that he picked up a phone and called his friend to bring over a chain saw. that was a lot of effort, you know - it took time out of his day. caring for our daughter? doesn't count - "you'se the mother - what else you here for?".


i lost my job unexpectedly last month so he had to cover my share of the expenses. now he wants all last month's money AND this month's by the end of the month "or you see what happens". that means i'll have to put a stop to my cell phone and the internet (since he's not interested in paying for it). i'm thinking of leaving him again - but this time i'd be going to fort macmurray. my daughter caiti lives there and has been harassing me HUGE to join her. if not there, my oldest daughter lives in calgary and just loves it.

I agree with Kirsteng. It doesn't sound like either of you (particularly you) are happy. I hope you come to a decision and figure something out. I'm sure your daughter would be thrilled to have you closer!

mammasita
04-20-2012, 08:53 AM
UGH, Im so sorry you have to deal with that BS. I hope you're doing what you can to kick him to the curb!

goldhalo
04-20-2012, 09:03 AM
Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I am glad that you can post here as an outlet for stress and gain some support on this forum! {Hugs}

threenorns
04-20-2012, 09:25 AM
he started on me literally first thing this morning - i was brushing my teeth, bathroom door closed, and he crashed in yelling that i was disturbing his sleep and i do this every morning, i have no respect, blah blah blah (but naturally it's okay for him to come into my room when he gets home from work in the middle of the night, turn on the lights, and want to talk to our daughter who is SLEEPING). i have to leave for work in half an hour but it sounds like he expects me to go to work in my pajamas and change and shower and brush my teeth there.

he is SO out of touch with reality and i am SO tired of dealing with it.

LeilaJey
04-20-2012, 09:27 AM
You've gotta get out of there, it's not healthy for anybody involved. Especially your daughter I'd imagine. Kids are smart, they pick up on these things.

Sorry to hear it, it's not nice to be disrespected like that. Are you able to get out of there? I know you're trying to sort some things out with your daughter already. Much love to you.

lm3898
04-20-2012, 09:52 AM
The proof is in the pictures!! You look great!!!! I kind of remember you posting about somewhat similar arguments wit him and he seems like such a negative person in your life. I know you share a child together so I understand you can't completely cut him out of your life...but I think you have your answer as to what he is to you now...

You deserve better.

ghlover
04-20-2012, 09:59 AM
I hope you love yourself enough to let go, he sounds pretty horrible to me. A man should not treat the mother of his child like that..

Thighs Be Gone
04-20-2012, 10:02 AM
It sounds like you guys need to get away from each other--at least for the time being. Personally, I would rather be alone for the RIGHT reasons than with someone for the WRONG reason!

Munchy
04-20-2012, 11:14 AM
My marriage was pretty tumultuous before I left, but I stuck it out for about 6 months before going out one night and never coming back. I had such a great night that I just couldn't imagine going back to that house.

You work and you care for a child. Your home is supposed to be a safe-haven where you can rewind from the day and reset for the day ahead. It should repair your soul rather than tear it down. Once I realized that, I made moves and said goodbye, abandoning my house, my wardrobe, and all of the things I've acquired through the years.

You know what? Both me and my ex husband are friends now. Genuinely friends and we like each other. We couldn't have ever kept going the way we were and neither of us were happy. Recently he thanked me for leaving. He said although he didn't see it at the time and it hurt and was hard, he's thankful I made a step to make us both re-evaluate our lives.

Good luck to you. Sometimes it takes a really smart person to recognize that "love" isn't always healthy.

Beach Patrol
04-20-2012, 12:06 PM
Day-ummmm!!!! I'd rather be alone forever than put up with that kind of bull****.

I say invest in some good luggage, pack up your daughter & as much "stuff" as you can take, & be sure to give him the Lorena Bobbitt treatment before you leave. :devil: No need in that POS ever being able to donate sperm again - he has no idea what it means to be a husband or a father - esp. to a girl child.

Good luck to you! - & CONGRATS on your weight loss thus far! - you're doing it!!! :yay:

twinieten
04-20-2012, 12:35 PM
Get the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656).

It doesn't sound like a good situation at all. Just keep working hard on your own goals. Nothing would taste better than succeeding when he just knew you would fail! :devil:

samcakes
04-20-2012, 01:04 PM
you need to get away from that a**hole. i would be completely devastated if my husband had EVER said ANYTHING like that to me. if you love someone you don't try to deliberately hurt them, it honestly sounds to me like he is insecure about your weight loss.

i have had a lot of plus size friends that had controlling or abusive boyfriends, these men feed off of our insecurity's, they know that with weight holding you back, you wouldnt have the confidence to leave them.(at least this is my experience), and now that you are losing the weight, he is struggling to find something to make you insecure about, because he doesnt have your weight to depend on to keep you with him.

I say this because a close friend of mine had been going through almost the exact same thing, and she called me hysterical because he had hit her. that night i had to bring her and her 2 kids to my house to stay, and she hasnt seen much of him since

i dont want anything like this to happen to you, i may be overparanoid, but it sounds to me like he is a cruel man that is losing his control over you, and a man like that is no good to be around.

XLMuffnTop
04-20-2012, 01:22 PM
The fact that you don't even care about his disparaging comments speaks volumes. Do what you can to get out and take care of your daughter and yourself. It sounds as if your older daughters are in tune to what an bad situation this is and are willing to help. Accept it, get on your feet and move on!!!

Maybe he'll do better once you're gone. If he has a desire to see your daughter after you leave, make sure you know he's treating her respectfully. If not, take it to family court and make sure visitations are supervised until he gets his crap together. Your daughter should not have a warped sense of life and relationships because of one person who's miserable. :hug:

Bethedee
04-20-2012, 02:00 PM
You poor thing... grrr that makes me mad. Go! Go live with your daughter! If someone treated my mom that way... grrr. Just grr.

Ruthxxx
04-20-2012, 02:33 PM
I'd have his balls for bookends! Want me to drive down there (I know where from your ISP) and give him the Wrath of Ruth treatment?

gonnadoitthistime
04-20-2012, 03:20 PM
It might help to look back on how things have been in the past. Was the housework always like that? Were things better early on and seemed to go downhill? It might help to write things down, like when you first started to living together he..., then it changed to .... then... etc, like a timeline. It might just be that downward spiral of abuse that has finally got to this point. If so, get the **** out quick because it actually can get worse and will. From what you write he isn't much of a partner anyway. If you plan to leave, be sneaky, quit paying so much of HIS house payment in order to save some cash to move on. Abusers find nice people who try hard, but never ever are good enough for the abuser. IMO it's also ok to lie to him in order to secure your future/get out. If he is just another abusive a$$ if he suspects you are stashing money away, it could make things escalate quickly, so be careful. Hate for you to have to go through this stuff, be strong, be smart, move on.

tessendicott
04-20-2012, 06:53 PM
He sounds like a real piece of $hit. If he's doing this to you, you can pretty much guarantee he'll treat your daughter this way at some point or another. I would get the heII out of there before it gets worse. I certainly wouldn't pay for anything of his.

threenorns
04-20-2012, 07:34 PM
sorry for all the drama ... =(


It might help to look back on how things have been in the past. Was the housework always like that? Were things better early on and seemed to go downhill? It might help to write things down, like when you first started to living together he..., then it changed to .... then... etc, like a timeline. It might just be that downward spiral of abuse that has finally got to this point.

actually, he's the pro when it comes to cleaning - he had his own janitorial business for 15yrs. when we met, i was THE worst housekeeper. with my adhd and asperger's and then my dad on top of it all, chores were not something we did when i was a kid. childhood was staying out until it was late enough to sneak into the house and get upstairs to my room before anybody saw me and then sleeping up on the shelf in my closet.

after he and i started living together, i went to flylady.net and got some chores lists with specific instructions and i managed to keep the sink clear of dishes, the floor clear of crunchy stuff, and the dirty laundry to a minimum. it was so hard to keep it all straight in my head but i'd get it all done.

and he'd come home and complain that the bathroom light was left on, the tub hadn't been cleaned, the balcony hadn't been swept and he didn't like what i'd cooked for dinner - nothing wrong with it "if you like that kind of thing" just he didn't feel like eating it. the big problem is that he's trini, so he only likes to eat trini and indian food - what i know about cooking indian food comes off the menu at Bombay Palace. he tells me "you have to grow up with it to learn the hand", then yells at me because he explained it once and i still didn't get it right.

this, btw, is a cooking "lesson" - "okay, take some flour and put it in a bowl. more. MORE! put some flour in de dam bowl, nah! too much! take some out. okay, now put some salt in. bit more. okay, get a cup of water. [after about 5min of looking at me like i'm a freak, he reaches over and pulls a coffee cup off the dish rack - silly me for looking for measuring cups]..." continue with the water temperature and adding the water to the flour.

even the way i kneaded was incorrect ("i thought you said you was a baker?").

so one day i cheated: the neighbour lady came over and helped me make a goat curry that was phenomenal. he came home, lifted the lid, sniffed and said "it'll have to do, i suppose". i flipped out and said the lady next door said it was good - "she's guyanese - she don' know s--t about cooking. none of them do."

that was the last time i cooked indian food with him anywhere around and i told him "you are so fussy with such a dainty stomach, YOU do the cooking. i have the courtesy to respect the effort when someone cooks - cook what you want, i don't care, i'll eat it."

he love saying things like "i don't know how you canadians can LIVE like this... " or "i don't know how you people do things, but where i come from..." and so on.

when we met, he was wonderful - the horribleness started with the positive pregnancy test (this is where i mention he's very short - an inch or so shorter than i am, and he's proportionate so condoms, the only methods of BC i can safely take, are a dodgey proposition at best). i kept it hypothetical "what if this happened? how are we dealing with it?" and he went on and on about how much he'd loved being a father, he missed it, tear, tear, gaze fondly at photo of two older children so i thought "... not bad...." and after some serious soul-searching i faced the fact that i'd always wanted a third girl and he seemed like he would make a wonderful father (which - to this point - he is, failing the fact that he is really really slow to catch up to saari's development - he still talks baby talk to her).


i said to him today, "going by what you're telling me, you want me to do:

100% of the housework
100% of the cooking
100% of the laundry
100% of parenting saari except for when you want to be Fun Daddy
work full time to pay half the household expenses plus my own
and now i have to see about saari's education since the school isn't going to get off their butts to test for learning disorder until grade 3. [and i'm not going to let her suffer for 5yrs before they get around to it]

so.... what? do i tell saari "sorry kid, i gotta work. just, you know, do your best. it's okay, nobody expects much from you" so i can work to pay the bills?

or do i just stop sleeping and when i finish work, leap in through the door with a vacuum in one hand and a frying pan in the other or oh, no, that's right: you don't like to be disturbed when you sleep on the livingroom couch or in your bedroom with the door open.

i guess that puts us in a picklement, doesn't it?

tell me, ganesh, HOW am i to manage this? you're the expert, you have all the answers, educate and elucidate!

that was when he said he was tired of talking to me because i don't LISTEN! i just don't LISTEN! i said i'm listening as hard as i can but all i'm hearing is static!

so i went to work and he called me 3x on my cell phone ("saari wants to know if she can have a popsicle".... "where's the broom?".... "dandy wants to go outside - should i put him out?") and twice on the shop phone ("did you file income tax? did you declare single or married?" and "your mother called - she wants you to call her when you get home").

so my boss sent me home at lunch time.

but you know what?

no problem staying on the diet. i'm not doing it for him so his behaviour and attitude have zero effect on my efforts.

xiaobaicai
04-20-2012, 08:39 PM
This guy sounds like an epic loser. Any way you can ditch the ******* and take your children with you?

And also, next time he takes it upon himself to critique your appearance, cooking, whatever -- tell him to take his a$$ back to India and see what kind of woman will have him there!

UrthWurm
04-20-2012, 09:09 PM
That's horrible! I would seriously kick his *** if you were one of my gf's. >=( You need to ditch this p.o.s. because he's certainly not doing you any favors. Stay with some friends or family if you can until you can get on your feet and make it on your own. Your child deserves better than a guy who doesn't respect you or apparently care about her.

Rainbowgirl
04-21-2012, 12:02 AM
I dated a man like him, he was Sikh. First time and last time.

I'll reiterate what everyone else has said - GET OUT before it gets worse. As far as I know, yes, MANY (not all) of them believe you are to do 100% of everything. I dumped the guy i was dating when he wanted me to come to his house (he lived in a 10 bedroom house with his parents and grandparents and siblings) to do his laundry and tidy up his room because it would "fun" but I couldn't mention to his parents we were dating. I was his "fat white secret." :S

If you are in Surrey, I know exactly the type of guys that are there. Not a good situation to be in.

MusicalAstronaut
04-21-2012, 01:15 AM
That is horrible. I'm so sorry. :( *hugs* You need to get away from him - he's toxic.

threenorns
04-21-2012, 01:27 AM
toxic is a good word.

lovemydoggiesx2
04-21-2012, 04:46 AM
It is hard, and I am speaking from experience. Go, and donīt look back. My first marriage was horrible and it was the hardest thing in my life to leave him and stay away but it was totally worth it. Your baby girl is beautiful (as are the other ones) and she deserves to not live in this type of toxic enviroment where the people donīt like each other.

Pack up and leave the ·ss before he knows whateven hit him.

Good luck!

Thighs Be Gone
04-21-2012, 10:34 AM
It was probably the way he raised--and I say that after living in India myself and still being heavily involved in the Indian community. Things probably aren't going to change. I would be glad to be more specific if you like on PM.

(ETA: This is the 2nd time I have posted to you but I didn't realize the cultural difference before.)

Vex
04-21-2012, 04:58 PM
I know a lot of people coming from the same culture. You're right, it is that way, and not necessarily what American women think is fair.

Given that, do you expect him to change? I'm thinking no. Is he a good father - aside from the yelling?

You can't control what he does or says. You CAN control what you do. I know you know this, but I can't imagine the arguing is helping your daughter at all. You have the right to argue all you want, but seriously, that's just awful for kids to see. I know, I've seen it - maybe you have too.

You've got to change something - I would hope it didn't involve pulling a family apart and taking a daughter away from her father, but it might. There's definitely some changes that you can try to make happen before you all get to that - like stop yelling. Maybe if you stop yelling, he will stop yelling.

I don't know you, all I know is what you posted here, and I know you've had a rough life. You may not agree with me or become angry with me, but you really have to put your daughter first. Her seeing and hearing this is not good.

.

Suzanne 3FC
04-21-2012, 06:12 PM
I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time with your marriage :hug: I would like to suggest seeing a marriage counselor as soon as possible. You both need professional support for your marriage to survive or to guide you with the next step. It can make an amazing difference! If it doesn't help your relationship improve, it will at least help make separation go smoother for the entire family.

Good luck!

threenorns
04-21-2012, 07:34 PM
that is such a good idea.