i caught my daughter's father today telling someone on facebook that the reason i'm looking smaller is because he "kicked my ***".

i was nice about it - i waited until he ended the call before i lit into him.

i told him all those times he mocked me for my weight or made comments about what i was eating or lectured me and so on only made me want to eat more - i wasn't getting any peace and comfort at home around him, so food and the computer were my comforts because i don't drink or smoke. i reminded him the only reason i get out and walk as much as i do now is because of the dog, certainly not because of anything he said (well, unless it was "get that dog under control before i shoot the !@#$@#@#@!!@!@").

and i furthermore pointed out that since his own waist is nearly two-thirds his height (he's 5 foot 2 and his waist is 39") maybe he should try his methods on himself and stop bugging me.

so he wanted to know why i "suddenly" decided to lose weight - i said simple: "the doctor told me if i don't lose 100lbs, i'll be dead or bedridden in about five years. what are your thoughts on changing adult diapers?"

we'll see how this turns out because i'm not talking to him today.

[astrophe]

There are no words.

A.

honestly.

he's smart! he really is! i just don't know what happens - it's like his mouth short-circuits his brain or something! he's so anxious to "score points" with a smart-arsed comment or get the last word in or "one up" everybody around him - anybody know if there an instant cure for napoleon complex?

[astrophe]

In my dad's case his superiority complex masks a great insecurity/bad self esteem.

He always thinks he is "less than" other people so he has to come out on top all the time to prove himself when nobody is even in the contest! If you say so he insists he can read you "between the lines" but it's all in his head.

Solution? Really working on the self esteem in his case... he goes to recovery class for this and his bipolar.


A.

i know self-esteem is a HUGE issue for him. it's bad enough that he's so short, but he was the youngest and smallest boy in a family of 10 kids. the only two younger than he were sisters so he spent a lot fo time in the kitchen with his mother because the other, bigger boys were always thumping him around. when he was young, he looked like one of those kids you see in the "Foster Parents Plan" commercials - skin drawn so tight over tiny bones that his mouth had that stretched look.

well, he ain't that way any more!

so the size is one thing - he also suffers from alopecia. every so often, random giant patches of hair fall out of his scalp, face, and chest - last time around, he had a butterfly-shaped bald spot wrapping the back of his head, his right eyebrow and eyelashes were missing, as was half the beard on that side of his face. treatment involves injections into the affected area, one needle every 'x' square inches.

so that's another thing.

he's terrified of dogs (legacy of an attack by three ferals that ran him up a coconut tree but not until one of them latched onto the back of his thigh - still has the scars) but he's good about my dog (a BIG black border collie - i thought it was going to be, you know, "border collie" sized but either dandy's a throwback or else mama's got some 'splainin' to do).

i was just going to say that he has no excuse for low self-esteem because he cooks divinely (east indian, west indian, chinese, and italian) and then i realized that i don't eat his cooking any more - haven't since the beginning of the month.

for a west indian hindu having the typical attitude toward food (NEVER refuse food offered, they get really hurt), that'd be a bit of a slap in the face, yeah?


i wonder if i dug up some diet-friendly version of the foods he's always cooking and suggested it'd be SUCH a huge favour to me.....? maybe that would help get him contributing in a more positive way?

[nationalparker]

Good luck in your journey. It sounds like you will have a major challenge the entire way through. Emotional abuse is at times worse than physical abuse. He may have self esteem issues. But that is no excuse/reason to emotionally abuse you. I feel bad for you as I've read your posts, and each time you say he has low self-esteem. Perhaps. Probably. But the issue is, it's not fine for him to do these things to you. How would you feel if someone in your daughter's class had self esteem issues and treated her this way?

Be strong. No matter what solutions you provide (healthy food for all, etc.), there will always seem to be another issue with why he won't/can't/doesn't want to support you in your journey to a healthier you. You sound so smart, so focused right now, so caring. Be strong.

[EagleRiverDee]

I can't tell if you're with this guy or not? You refer to him as your daughter's father (which sounds like you aren't) but then it sounds like you are when you seem to indicate you live together.

If you're together...no offense, but you both seem like you get down on each other. I mean, what he said was wrong, but so is making fun of his waist size. I think regardless of your actual relationship you should both commit to being nice to each other and not make cracks about each other's weight. That type of stuff is self-perpetuating.

[Nadya]

@EagleRiverDee

No, it's not "right" of her to put him down in response but it's also human nature, IMO. It'd be like kicking a dog repeatedly until, one day, it bites you whether you are trying to kick it or not.

@threenorns

Do you two get along well? He sounds disrespectful and rude. A spouse shouldn't be talking negatively about his/her partner like that.

[4star]

Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee

I can't tell if you're with this guy or not? You refer to him as your daughter's father (which sounds like you aren't) but then it sounds like you are when you seem to indicate you live together.

If you're together...no offense, but you both seem like you get down on each other. I mean, what he said was wrong, but so is making fun of his waist size. I think regardless of your actual relationship you should both commit to being nice to each other and not make cracks about each other's weight. That type of stuff is self-perpetuating.

Yep. I agree. I find that we all go through moments of self-deprecation at one point or another and when someone is our "other half" we tend to depreciate them along with ourselves sometimes. It's not right but we're human and make mistakes. We can always learn from the behavior and appreciate both halfs more if we're conscious of it. Maybe that's what he's going through and you are reciprocating out of hurt? Like I said, it's not right but we're human. To have people in your life long-term means sometimes seeing them at their less than stellar moments along with their better moments.

The best thing to do for the welfare of everyone in your household is to try to build each other up. If for no other reason, your daughter. If you are not together and just live as friends, think of how you'd treat a friend, knowing that your daughter will learn how to treat people by the way you treat others. If you are sarcastic and short tempered, she'll do the same. If you're loving and forgiving, she'll do the same. Together or not, try to model what you'd like her family unit to be when she grows up. It's easier said than done but if it helps your perspective and gives you more patience to deal with the situation, that's always a bonus. And who knows? Maybe things will turn around if you extend the olive branch.

[thistoo]

Astrophe and I have the same dad. They can dish it out, but they certainly can't take it. It's all about low self esteem, as you already know. Chances are good that he's threatened by your weight loss efforts because deep down (and he probably doesn't even realize it) he thinks you're going to get all hot and leave him.

I don't have any advice for you, really, but coming back at him with sarcasm is probably just going to make it worse. I know with my dad it just makes him more defensive, which makes him lash out. You have to find a way to reassure him that you're in it for the long haul while still getting healthy for you. Asking him to cook things that are on-plan is a good start. So is being honest about what your doctor said.

Good luck.

[4star]

duplicate post

[astrophe]

Those without this problem can get bored/tired of dealing with it in a loved one. Or the person is so in the thick of it that they dish out abuse or hostility that is unbearable to live with.

I do not know your living situation and cannot comment on the bearability of it beyond this...

If it is unbearable, get out. Nobody deserves abuse, and one partner having issues is no reason for your OWN mental health to be thrown under the bus.

If it is bearable and there's some hope still there in the relationship -- review how you relate with him then. Are you adding to the cycle? Will you own your bit? Will he own his? Do you guys need marriage counseling? Something else?

i was just going to say that he has no excuse for low self-esteem

Self esteem is a mental health issue. He doesn't have to have an excuse to suffer from it. I don't have to have an excuse to be hypothyroid -- I just AM a hypothyroid person. I manage my condition and take my meds.

We all have moments where we are not sure of ourselves but people who suffer from chronic bad self esteem? That's a whole other ball game in terms of mental health.

For those not having this it may not appear to be as VIVID as a larger mental health problem but it's certainly VALID to the sufferer.

And it can rob people of optimum functionality in their daily lives just like other mental health problems (alzheimer, depression, etc) can.

But I didn't always realize self esteem was a larger mental health issue too. I went through that stage like we all do in puberty. Then I outgrew it. I used to think Dad was being immature or something and it drove me nuts. But now that I understand it can sometimes be a normal passing phase and other times it is a lifelong mental health hurdle for some people... So I'm a bit more sympathetic.

But I know it is tiresome too live with and I'm tired of my Dad this way! I can only imagine how tired of it he is -- to be trapped in a prison of his own mind.

So the self esteem mental health patient -- gotta manage your condition then! Make an effort!

What he goes on about sometimes frustrates me because he values things that make no sense to me at all. Like who CARES what other people think? But there's the nub. HE cares. And he doesn't know how to stop caring so much or reframe it in a more realistic way. He takes it up and over the top!

To the point of paralysis even. He can't make a decision or act because he's so worried about what people will think of his ability to make the "right" choice. He's so afraid of being vulnerable or making mistakes he takes on this "get them before they get you" attitude. And approaching people with a chip on his shoulder only makes them hostile or defensive in turn -- because they don't know him from adam. They perceived him as some jerk stranger coming along with huffy at them. So they just get huffy back. Which is understandable, but just confirms his inner belief he is "horrible."

So more determined he goes with that chip on his shoulder next time out in the world. It is vicious circle thing he cannot break himself out of yet because he's afraid to put the chip down and be vulnerable around strangers. He is a bit more relaxed around family, but not much more so.

YES, there are some jerks out there! But not ALL people are jerks! Most of the time if you approach in friendly ways, most people will respond in kind. It's all up to you. He is trying to learn this in his classes.

i wonder if i dug up some diet-friendly version of the foods he's always cooking and suggested it'd be SUCH a huge favour to me.....? maybe that would help get him contributing in a more positive way?

If you think it would help, you could ask him to make some diet-friendly dishes. But really? It isn't your job to "prop" him up or fix him. And what are you trying to help here? His self esteem problems or your relationship problems and how you communicate with each other?

If you are in a relationship? Ok, be try supportive of his personal growth and healthy well being. Yes, try to talk nicer to each other and get along better. Definitely.

But just his cooking won't fix his deeper mental health problems with self esteem.

"You are my wife -- you HAVE to be nice to me" kind of thoughts. And wife being kind doesn't solve his problems in interacting with others (strangers, coworkers, etc) in positive, esteem building ways. Dad is here. He's the one who actually has to do the growing and do his mental health work to change his inner environment to take it the rest of the way.

Just like the actual diabetic would have to take his meds and take his walks and whatever? Dad has to be the one to address his inner environment and learn to tell the difference between was IS within his control, and what is outer environment that is NOT within his control and how to manage his reactions to that in positive ways to build his self esteem up rather than negative ways where he tears himself down. He has to drop the chip on his shoulder. It's not serving him well. But he's had it so long it's like a security blanket or something. Change is scary for him.

Trying to make home a safe place to be is a good thing. Trying to improve YOUR relationship to him is a good thing. Just don't expect those bits to be the whole enchilada here -- is all I'm saying. And don't sacrfice your OWN mental health for his.

If he really wants to get over it, he's got lots of work in other areas that you cannot do FOR him. If he is trying and you are willing to be there at his side while he's doing it, swell. If you are NOT willing to be there at his side in this process... well don't. Why be there? You don't have to.

I'm glad my Dad is finally trying after so many decades but it's painful to watch him struggle so. Sigh.

Your husband? How he talks to himself inside his own head? That's only something he can change and a lifetime of feeding the bad dog isn't going to change overnight. He may not know HOW else to talk to himself in there or know how to catch himself when he goes down that path in his mind -- of feeding the bad dog.

Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable things too. Not just in how you talk to yourself inside your head. If he spends his time ripping on people, I can only imagine he assume other people spend their time ripping on him. People who overly care for social reputation (what others think of them) need to do OTHER things so they don't overvalue that one small portion of it.

What does he do that is esteemable? And does he value it? Like doing well at work? Volunteering? Hobbies?

Is he ready to own it? And if not... how long are you willing to be together with his health issue going unaddressed? It obviously affects the quality of his life. And in turn yours.


A.

[TiffNeedsChange]

No matter is he has low self esteem or not it is no excuse to be verbally/emotionally abusive to you. These types of people very rarely change, and they will never change unless they recognize the problem and want to change. Have you considered that being with him is not the best thing for you or your kids? They are growing up seeing their mom treated like crap and your daughter will grow up to think that is ok too. I lived it as a child and repeated my mom's mistakes.I would get family & individual therapy to see if the problem can be worked on. If he is not willing then he obviously doesn't view the relationship as being worthy of effort. What he is doing/saying is NOT okay, no one deserves that. I know no one will ever convince you of something you don't believe, it took me 5 years to leave my abuser, but please write down the good & the bad about the relationship. REALLY think about it... *hugs*

[BananaMontana]

I'm not 100% sure what your relationship to this man is, but from what I gather you two are living together and trying to be a couple because you have your daughter together. Am I correct?

I have ony seen a few posts of yours, but it seems like every single one, whether it be a thread or a reply, you are talking about this man and how horrendous his behavior is. It seems like he is very negative and often very mean to you. It also seems like he is not supportive of your weight loss. I've also noticed that you spend a great deal of time talking down about him and saying some things that are equally mean to what he says to you.

I don't mean to be offensive and i apologize if i come off that way, but it doesn't sound like a very healthy situation for you or your daughter to be. It seems as I'f you and your significant other spend a great deal of time belittling each other rather than getting along. It might be good to try some type of couples counseling or at least working on changing the way you communicate and setting ground rules for what is and is not appropriate to say.

I hope things improve.

yes, we have a peculiar relationship.

i do love him - i know you only hear the ranty times but you never see a movie called "The Perfect Calm", eh?

he's a jekyll/hyde type - very very charming and sweet and then suddenly REALLY NOT. he's a photographer, a cook (by trade and by passion), and an amateur historian, particularly of india. he really is very very smart but i sometimes think he doesn't believe it.

our daughter is everything to us but man, she's high maintenance. she has an extremely high IQ and ADHD (dr gave her 7.5 on a scale of 1-10) and we already know there's going to be learning difficulties in school but because of all the speech therapy, occupational therapy, behaviour therapy, etc, it won't be possible to determine what kind until she's in the thick of it. so far, though, she's reading and writing and she's not even five.

i can't look after her by myself so that's why i got the dog (she went through a phase where she was constantly sneaking out of the house - dangerous when you live in the middle of the bush on a river) but when i moved to town, even the dog wasn't enough. he moved to town to be closer to her and to help me with her - that was his own idea, not mine - but the place i lined up for him fell through when the ppl got a look at him (bec, you know, "ganesh" is just such a gosh-darned all-canadian name, eh?). he had nowhere to go so i said he could bunk on my couch until we figured something out.

i think it was my putting my foot down and refusing to be disrespected in my own home that got things patched up to where we can actually muddle along together.

we try to keep the discord away from saari but if it happens, we make a point of apologizing to her for being inappropriate and then we ask her what she thinks would have been a better way to deal with the situation (assuming it's something within her sphere). she's really funny, too - once she said very judicially "i think you guys need to stop talking and start hugging me" and another time she said "you [pointing to me] go on the computer and you [pointing to him] go outside and smoke. come back and talk to me in ten minutes." (but of course in ten minutes she'd totally forgotten what she was going to say but we had a good laugh).

when it comes to problems and solutions, the usual routine is kinda like this one:

him - pokes me hard in the chest because i've fallen asleep yet again while he's driving. he hates that - says it makes him start yawning too.

me - complain yet again about the awful humming from the wheel bearing.

him - comes back with something sarcastic about feel free to pay for it otherwise leave MY car alone.

me - then stop complaining because i'm falling asleep - i can't help it, it's like that humming is getting inside my skull and filling it with TV static.

him - yeah, that's right - you full of static.

me - whatEVER.

we finish the drive in fuming silence.

three days later, he comes back and says i got the wheel bearings fixed - here - and tosses a box of dolce-gusto cups for my machine at me.

me - love you, too.

him - yeah, okay.

that was a simple situation - sometimes it hits me on the raw and that's when i fly back at him but i really do try to model "appropriate" conflict technique (such as "stick to the topic" and "do not stoop to personal insults that do not further your point" and "if all you have are personal insults, then just quit because it's going nowhere") usually. it took me years and years to get a handle on my really very bad temper but control is hard when i'm stressed.

it was my thinking about my not eating what he cooks any more that got me wondering if maybe the reason he is so insulting is because he can't think of any other way to get involved? you know how guys are always into hands-on fixing things - it would explain why he's telling his friend that HE is responsible for my success up to this point.

if i ASK him "could you pls", he'll just say something about "what, you find something you can't do yourself? i'm busy".

so what i'll have to do is complain something like "this boiled egg thing is boring. i could murder a curry right now - is this a good curry recipe?" at which point he will seize it out of my hands as if i was talking about using the gutenberg bible as toilet paper and proceed to make it himself.