General chatter - Anxiety levels go through the roof....




mammasita
02-15-2012, 07:45 PM
When my significant other wants to go out without me. It's not just my current BF, I've felt this way with any man I've been with. I realize that (in this case) its me over thinking, worrying...etc. I trust him, he has never done anything to make me think otherwise, so Im not sure why I feel like this (well ok, past experience, self esteem etc). Not to mention he's going out with his dad and cousin for goodness sake. What in the world am I stressing about?

I haven't voiced this to him and not sure if I should. I just said
"that's cool baby" when he let me know earlier. My rational side says its not a big deal, it's good for us to go out without the other every now and then, but my crazy (lol) wont let me shake the anxiety.


astrophe
02-15-2012, 08:33 PM
Try to take it in stride... remember there's phone to call if there's car problems. And the odds of that are pretty low since he's not going out alone. He is with his relatives. He's not going to be alone and stranded without any help!

Do YOU go out alone once in a while? Maybe that could help your perspective?

Or do you have hobbies and interests besides the ones you share with BF? This would be a good time to catch up on those or read or chat with your other friends.

A.

tessendicott
02-15-2012, 10:12 PM
I used to feel this way because I had been abused/cheated on in so many relationships before. It takes A LONG time to get over that. I've finally gotten to the point with Mack that I trust him 100% no matter what, not to say that I hadn't before, I just got very anxious and nervous sometimes when he would go out. He's not a partier AT ALL and loves me to death and I eventually realized I had nothing to fear with him.
It will take time, but I promise the anxiety will go away eventually. Maybe have a talk with him about it if you feel comfortable with it.


mammasita
02-15-2012, 11:16 PM
@apostrophe, I am trying to take it in stride. Unfortunately I don't get out often or even once in a while without him. I've really become a homebody and all of my really good female friends are on the opposite coast than me.

@tess, yeah I know my feelings stem from a combination of being cheated on in the past and personal insecurities. Like you, i do trust him but my nerves+anxiety+insecurities "flare up" at the thought of him going for a night out.

astrophe
02-16-2012, 05:37 AM
I get it -- if you've had rship trouble in the past your are understandably leery.

But won't time cure that? Let's say every Wed he goes bowling with his dad or something -- after X number of wednesdays with no doom and gloom happening... will you be able to relax and let the anxiety go?

What else does he have to do? Don't pin your ex's failing on your current.

Have you talked about it? What would help you? A call? A text? Just to reassure you all is well? Then let that go as time passes and you grow more secure?

Seen a doc for anxiety?

A.

mammasita
02-16-2012, 08:58 AM
Apostrophe, that is a great idea. If it was something like that the anxiety would lessen over time and probably not be that terrible to begin with.

I will add that he's not a big party-er but he does like to drink (so does his dad) when they go out. I guess my biggest worry is that he will drink too much and not have enough sense to call a cab or me to bring him home. I'd prefer and worry much less if his going out didn't include drinking. He goes fishing (during the summer) without me and I have NO issue.

I guess I can isolate my anxiety to him going out to a bar without me (its his cousins B-day so his dad and he plan on taking cousin out to a bar). It's not like we're always attached at the hip. He rarely does go out. This will actually be maybe the 2nd time in over a year. Conversely, I will not (perhaps I'm wrong about this) encourage him to go out drinking once a week with his dad. Bowling yes, fishing yes, going out drinking - heck no.

ICUwishing
02-16-2012, 11:54 AM
mammasita - I used to have some of the same concerns with DH. He knows I'd call the cops on him if I knew he was driving drunk (personal hot button), so we have the open-ended offer that if either one of us is compromised, the policy is that 24/7, you can call home and the other will come to get you, wherever you are, no questions asked. He tested this once - I got out of a warm bed at 2:30 am and drove an hour. The penalties for a DUI are just crazy - it's not worth taking a chance on it, let alone the possibility of the worst case of killing somebody.

astrophe
02-16-2012, 01:05 PM
Ah, well that too is understandable. Drinking and driving is no joke.

How about having him call you at leaving time whether he's had too much or not? Just to check in?

Mine goes to band rehearsals sometimes and he tells me when he thinks he will be home and he calls me again when he's leaving so I know he's on the way. When I am out I try to do the same. It's not a big deal if things run late, but it is a courtesy thing to let the other know.

A.

mammasita
02-16-2012, 01:35 PM
Absolutely agree drinking and driving is NO joke.

Side story: The BF knows this ALL to well. The monday morning (6am) after superbowl, he was on his way to work and almost got hit by a drunk driver. Apparently this guy was driving 80MPH over an interchange bridge and cut my BF off, crashed into the bridge wall and completely totalled the car. My BF pulled over, called 911 and waited for police to get there. Get this, apparently the guy had an open bottle of liquor in his car. As he crawled out through the back seat passenger door he grabbed the bottle and when he was out of the car offered my BF a drink...

Not to mention during their brief exchange waiting for the police, the guy admitted that this will be his SECOND DUI.

You have got to be kidding me!!!!! I couldn't believe it.

EagleRiverDee
02-16-2012, 02:14 PM
I understand what you're going through. I'm co-dependent and have control issues and used to really freak when my SO went out without me, even to just a guy's house. I've been cheated on before and have trust issues. But I realized my reaction was unreasonable and even destructive because it's not fair to him to try and keep him from having healthy friendships. He started playing co-ed indoor volleyball last year on Monday nights. At first it was hard on me, but now I'm used to it. You probably will get used to him going out and will see it's healthy for both of you to have some "me time".

mammasita
02-16-2012, 02:19 PM
I understand what you're going through. I'm co-dependent and have control issues and used to really freak when my SO went out without me, even to just a guy's house. I've been cheated on before and have trust issues. But I realized my reaction was unreasonable and even destructive because it's not fair to him to try and keep him from having healthy friendships. He started playing co-ed indoor volleyball last year on Monday nights. At first it was hard on me, but now I'm used to it. You probably will get used to him going out and will see it's healthy for both of you to have some "me time".

Yup, that is me. Rationally, I KNOW my thoughts are for the most part unreasonable (outside of the drinking portions) - but yeah. I do struggle a bit with co-dependency and trust.

krampus
02-16-2012, 02:28 PM
Tell the crazy as nicely as possible to calm down. Wouldn't you feel funny if he expressed anxiety and bad feelings if you wanted to go out with your family/friends without him? It's healthy for couples to have "me time." He's an adult, you're an adult, and it sounds like you have an otherwise healthy relationship - you really have nothing to worry about!

mammasita
02-16-2012, 02:33 PM
Tell the crazy as nicely as possible to calm down. Wouldn't you feel funny if he expressed anxiety and bad feelings if you wanted to go out with your family/friends without him? It's healthy for couples to have "me time." He's an adult, you're an adult, and it sounds like you have an otherwise healthy relationship - you really have nothing to worry about!

I try to tell that crazy heffa to STFU like this -> :frypan: but sometimes she gets the best of me.

Seriously though, I would be annoyed if he did the same to me if I wanted to go hang out with family/friends for a night.

krampus
02-16-2012, 02:47 PM
Sometimes it's impossible to fully believe the logical/rational part of your psyche, but you gotta do it. It's kind of like resisting a second helping of dessert - feels so wrong but actually helps promote health, whether body or relationship health ;)