30-Somethings - So much for supprt from friends...




LosinItIn2012
01-07-2012, 11:12 PM
So today I made a little Facebook posting, when I simply said that I was going to make dinner and possibly some brownies. Now, a friend piped in and says, ""Lol weren't you posting earlier today that you were trying to lose weight?" My response to that was "Yes I did, but I also said maybe make some brownies. Thanks for the support>" A few minutes later she responds back with "Lol i just thought it was too funny! stay away from the Brownies and eat an apple. how's that for support? lol" ..

Talk about an awesome support network I thought that I had, I guess I can count this person out.. I really REALLY wanted to respond to her last comment but I kept it to myself. But deep down inside it really hurt to have someone say this. I guess people don't realize that just because you're trying to lose weight doesn't mean that you can't eat a brownie, not like I'm serving it with ice cream and all the toppings!

What a way to end what I thought was a wonderful day.. :(


anna ng
01-07-2012, 11:49 PM
I think that if you make your weight loss plans and eating habits public, people are going to make comments, and there's no way to stop it. There are dozens of threads here from people whose family members and friends say unhelpful things, and a lot of them really genuinely don't understand why their comments are unwelcome. I'm not saying that your friend did the right thing, but you did put your goal and your plans out there in a public space, so it's not totally unexpected to have someone comment about it. If you'd prefer not to get the comments (and I'm definitely with you on that--I don't want to hear everyone's opinions about my eating habits), I'd suggest that you stop posting about them on Facebook, where people feel compelled to comment about them. Your results will speak for themselves. Good luck!

HMM3
01-08-2012, 02:24 AM
I don't facebook .... so I'm probably not really qualified to comment ... but I only tell a few supportive people that I'm trying to be healthier .... and then use 3fc to obsess with others .. maybe try and set up a more supportive network with like minded people away from such a public forum .... maybe 3fc!!!;)

I hope your friend was just being insenstive rather than nasty ....

Take care ..... Good luck with your goals ...


DietDawn
01-08-2012, 02:34 AM
Some people don't know how to be supportive, especially if they havent had weight issues, if shes the friend you thought it would be worth explaining that it hurt you and letting her know the best way to approach you for example "Enjoy the dinner, not too many brownies though, you're doing great!" would make u think about it without being harsh. she probably doesn't realise x

Candeka
01-08-2012, 04:14 AM
I'm sorry, but in my opinion your friend did nothing hurtful at all. It's not like she said "Wow, you suck at dieting, you're going to fail because not even 24 hours after you posted about dieting, your eating brownies"... All she did was comment about the irony that in one day, you say you want to eat healthier and then you say you want to make brownies, the complete polar opposite of healthy. Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that treats are allowed, and without them, many of us would fail (I myself had chocolate tonight!), but even me, someone who is dieting would have made the exact same comment as your friend. People do not associate treats/unhealthy food when someone says they want to lose weight. When someone says they want to lose weight, people think "apples, salad, celery!".

What did you want her to say? What would have been a supportive comment on someone saying they want to make brownies, while earlier posting they want to lose weight? "Go ahead and eat the brownies!".... You would have seen her as sabotaging your weight loss and promoting unhealthy eating! Please do not get mad at your friend, she just pointed out the irony in your statement. I think you might be taking it the wrong way because part of you feels guilty for wanting to make the brownies!

LosinItIn2012
01-08-2012, 11:20 AM
It's not that I got mad at her, but when she was wanting to lose weight I wasn't making comments like that to her so I guess I kind of expected the same respect from her. I personally think the comment could've be worded a bit more nicer than the way she said it. I know that not everyone will agree with me thinking she was wrong, and I did not expect everyone to. I just thought that I could get support without being making rude comments. So for right now, I have my support system at home and that's all I need. Until I know I can trust my friends not to put me down because I ate a brownie. I do come to 3FC for support and I get it here, but when it comes from someone you truly know and care for it's completely different.

MARLA26
01-08-2012, 11:33 AM
I think she meant well. She is still a good friend. But you need to explain to her that you count your calories, and you counted in the calories from the brownie also. So you haven't gone overboard on your diet.
You don't have to give up a treat. You just can't overdo it. You still need to get in all the nutrients fruits, veggies and meat contain.
Most people don't understand that a person can diet and still enjoy pastries and ice cream in moderation.

Just write her back and explain how you can eat a brownie and still lose weight. Then she'll look at dieting in a whole new light....Maybe....

carter
01-08-2012, 12:05 PM
If it really bothers you, you might consider telling her (privately, not scolding her on Facebook for all to see) that her comment hurt your feelings and why.

That might be a more productive way of handling the situation than fuming because she failed to meet your vague and unstated expectations of support.

After all, support means different things to different people. Instead of expecting your friends to magically divine precisely what kind of support you need and what kind of comments are hurtful to you, consider engaging them in dialogue about it.

Unna
01-08-2012, 12:24 PM
EEk- that does burn! I wouldn't want to hear that! It would make anyone mad.

If she really is a good friend, then I think her 'funniness' was completely lost in 'type' - this happens to many people. They don't know how to convey their humor or irony in written form. Have you thought about how she would have said the joke if you two were together? It may have actually been sort of funny... in an odd way.

And you may have also responded to her in a funny way.

In addition, (and this is where you may get angry with me), you transfered your own insecure feelings onto your friend and that explains why you became so angry.

You sent a big message out to the people in your life: I'm going to lose weight and get healthy. You did this for support. But, internally, you also have doubts about whether you will actually lose weight or not. So, telling everyone leaves you vulnerable - everyone will know whether you 'suceed' or 'fail' at your goal. Your friends 'funny' comment reinforced the fear you already have of failing.

Possibly. Of course I'm making an assumption.

I think that is why the comment hurt more than it normally would have.

Anyway - next time, on Facebook, write something like "I'm making brownies for dinner tonight. YUMMMMM. And I'm using apple sauce instead of oil - so, NO guilt!"

Even if you aren't using applesauce - just a little white lie that doesn't hurt anyone. Every calorie counters knows that even brownies can fit into a daily diet plan if done correctly!

omgzitsmiranda
01-08-2012, 01:04 PM
I think the friend was just pointing out the irony of what was going on... BUT! Just because you're MAKING brownies does NOT mean you're going to EAT them yourself. They could be for your grandma for instance or just someone you know.

I bake all the time, but don't eat it lol :P

LosinItIn2012
01-08-2012, 01:28 PM
I think the friend was just pointing out the irony of what was going on... BUT! Just because you're MAKING brownies does NOT mean you're going to EAT them yourself. They could be for your grandma for instance or just someone you know.

I bake all the time, but don't eat it lol :P

That was more the point than anything, that just because I said "Maybe brownies?" It was taken that I was going to make brownies and eat them.. LOL.. I'm really not big on brownies, it's one of the few things that my Fiance does enjoy and so I make them for him. He usually ends up eating the majority of them.. LOL.. I love to bake! I baked so much over Christmas I thought I'd never want to bake again! Still can't stand looking at a cookie! Haha

omgzitsmiranda
01-08-2012, 01:35 PM
That was more the point than anything, that just because I said "Maybe brownies?" It was taken that I was going to make brownies and eat them.. LOL.. I'm really not big on brownies, it's one of the few things that my Fiance does enjoy and so I make them for him. He usually ends up eating the majority of them.. LOL.. I love to bake! I baked so much over Christmas I thought I'd never want to bake again! Still can't stand looking at a cookie! Haha

exactly! people just assume stuff too much [in my own opinion anyway :p] but that's definitely how i felt about it. I don't think it wasn't that they weren't being supportive, just being ironic [which sometimes rubs me the wrong way i will admit LOL]

keep your chin up! :)

wanna be weight loss buddies? :)

OhMyDogs
01-08-2012, 01:46 PM
I think I would have looked at it as an opportunity to educate. I probably would have said "I said I was trying to lose weight, not stop living! LOL My diet plan allows for small treats to avoid binges. I find that works best for ME!"

aliasihaya
01-08-2012, 09:54 PM
I'm not saying that this is the right approach for you but that's why I haven't told many people about my weight loss goals. I just don't even want to set myself up for comments like that. And, as some others said, she probably didn't mean it as harshly as you took it. But in the end perception is huge and you perceived it as an offensive statement. I just don't want to be put in that position so I avoid it. I do think that you have to have a support network, but I don't think FB is the forum for it. I've written very few posts about weight loss on FB because I'd be opening myself up to potential comments that I would feel were hurtful. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. But I have told the people I know for sure are a part of my support network, and that's all I need right now.

Anyway, like I said, not sure if this is or is not a good approach for you, but wanted to add in my 2 cents.

Good Luck!

ShyHeather
01-08-2012, 10:04 PM
I think I would have looked at it as an opportunity to educate. I probably would have said "I said I was trying to lose weight, not stop living! LOL My diet plan allows for small treats to avoid binges. I find that works best for ME!"

This!!!

I guess I'm lucky. My friends don't give two sh!ts about my health when I post. I ask for support, I get zero. I honestly wish I had more support then I do.. but what can I do? I cannot force people to support me. If I have to be my own cheerleader, then so be it.

Aunrio
01-09-2012, 02:02 PM
I took your friend's comments as slightly sarcastic but not malevolent. I am guessing that she is the type of friend that would reply positively if you told her what kind of comments/actions would be deemed helpful in your weight-loss journey. Good luck!

40lbsPLEASE
01-09-2012, 05:02 PM
Facebook is the devil! (just sayin, lol!)

We give social networks waaaaaay more power than they deserve... that being said, I agree with the others in that I don't believe your friend was trying to be rude. In fact, the best of friends are the ones that tell you what you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear. Chin up and bake them brownies with pride, knowing that they don't own you and you don't have to eat the whole pan! (then bring me one =) )

LosinItIn2012
01-09-2012, 09:33 PM
And in the end most of the brownies are gone.. LOL.. Fiance managed to snatch a few and the others weer given away to friends and co-workers.. I however did delete the posting the Facebook, because no matter how it was meant, it still was hurtful to me and if I left it there I would've just kept thinking about it.. So it's gone.. BYEBYE! :carrot:

speedy2697
01-10-2012, 01:37 AM
I agree with some of the other posts about opening yourself to comments as soon as you announce your intentions in a public way. Unfortunately I myself did thia by announcing to coworkers that I was trying to lose weight. Now a few seem to think that gives them free reign to comment on everything I do or do not eat, exercise habits and general comments about how I should try to do something else someone else has had sucess with. While I generally try to attribute this to them thinking they're being helpful, it does become quite irritating! Take pride in knowing you're making a change for yourself and let the results speak for themselves.

Losing4another
01-10-2012, 02:28 AM
facebook sucks!..I like the games more than the friends :)People tend to say things on there that they probably wouldn't say to your face. Posting at the end of the week that you lost __ pounds and ate brownies will let her know you can lose weight and have a brownie.

bargoo
01-10-2012, 07:49 AM
I learned a long time ago not to announce that I am on a diet. That announcement brings out the Diet Police every time and they will make comments on everything you eat .

Breasaurus
01-10-2012, 09:48 AM
I don't see where she was being unsupportive or hateful - i *probably* would have said the same thing. The fact that you got so upset about it leads me to believe that your conscience is telling you to be wary of the chocolate monster lol. it's ok, have a brownie - just don't over indulge. I don't see a reason for responding back to her last post either. I think if you push the issue it'll just cause more problems with your friend.

You're better off just keeping your diet off of a FB. Though, I would post your losses so they can celebrate your wins :)

novangel
01-15-2012, 07:45 PM
Meh..I don't like passive aggressive people. *delete*

Adalyn
01-15-2012, 09:04 PM
I dunno.. if you made your intentions about weight-loss known and then you talk about brownies, I'd consider someone who brought up the conflict of interest here to be a real friend to me.

The only thing I disliked about the person's messages was the frequent use of the word "lol"... if she were a bit more serious about it, I'd take it a bit more seriously and less like an insult, but ultimately I can see how reading that sort of thing would be disheartening and maybe even somewhat painful.

Bottom line: If you don't want commentary on this sort of thing, I think you have to keep it to yourself, because it's human nature for people to chime in and put two-and-two together.

At least it shows people remember what you say? :)

stronger4me
01-15-2012, 09:16 PM
It's funny to me that there's a big point missing here...SO WHAT?

It's only ironic because we've been taught to think that there are "good" foods and "bad" foods and if you commit to eating "good," then you can't have anything "bad."

I eat healthy and it includes things other people think I shouldn't eat if I'm really trying to eat healthy.

Eat what you want. Being healthy means having a healthy attitude as well. Brownies aren't demon spawn. They have more sugar and calories than other foods considered to be healthy. As long as you're being healthy in the way that you want, everyone else can go fly a kite. Your response to your friend should be, "I'm eating healthy, that includes brownies. Sue me." You could be making super low calorie, sugarless brownies for all they know.

But in general I'd agree with everyone else that posting on FB is a bad idea, simply because most people are inclined to joke about things and make comments in passing, not discuss serious issues or things that make them feel vulnerable.

saltatoria
01-24-2012, 11:22 AM
The Diet Police are the #1 reason I haven't said anything on Facebook. My boyfriend knows what I'm doing because he lives with me and is super supportive. My best friend knows because she is also losing weight (she's lost 60 pounds already!), and she knows an occasional treat is perfectly fine. She's the one who taught me a lot of the basics and pointed me toward some helpful websites.

My family doesn't know because they've always been so overly-critical and negative in the past. My mother actually suggested weight loss surgery a year ago, and it led to a huge argument with tears and all kinds of drama. Ugh.

If I tell people what I'm doing, they'll expect results in X amount of time and get all annoying if I'm not size X by summer, etc. Since I haven't told anyone, I can look forward to hearing things like, "Have you lost weight? You look smaller!" I'd rather have that element of surprise than have everyone policing my actions.

Bottom line: find a support group that you can trust to truly *support* you and don't tell anyone else. You'll save yourself a lot of stress that way. /hugs