General chatter - im angry..im upset..im frustrated..im bawling my eyes out..and




Porthardygurl
11-30-2011, 02:04 AM
I know that this place isnt meant to be a therapy place but couples sex therapy doesnt exist in port hardy..and quite frankly..im angry..im angry to the point of tears..

Is this normal? Seriously..

Ive been with my fiancee for almost 3 years. We have a beautiful little girl. Before are little girl, we had a great sex life..every day or every two days..then i got pregnant..and then it was down to nothing..then we had her and it was great for a month and then it became.. once every week..and now once every two weeks.

ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS!!!!! seriously!!!!

For the past two and a half years i have been asking him to make a change and make it consistent.. i want a consistent sex life.. i want it every couple of days..not once a week or once every two weeks..it doesnt matter how great or how bad our lives are going..nothing changes in that department..and when i ask him why..the only excuse he ever uses is " it feels like too much pressure"... TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! i lowered my expectation and said "well what about every 3 days" and did that work? well..for maybe two to three weeks..and then he went back..to 1 every two weeks..

Come on..he is 32 and im 25..is their something wrong with this freaking picture to anyone else!!! we should be at it like rabbits..we are in are prime young years..and instead he is acting like a freaking 80 something year old..and trust me there is no issue in getting it up...

The part that makes me cry the most is the fact, that i feel like its all my fault..like im not good enough for him..that im not attractive enough for him to want to sleep with me.. or the sex isnt good enough...or im too fat..or too ugly..i know i dont look pretty like i did when i met him... ive been trying to diet to lose weight..and ive been losing the weight loss battle..and im just getting bigger..and maybe im just not attractive anymore.

Im so freaking upset..and i feel so hopeless...

I mean.. other girls want diamonds and makeup and jewlery and money for clothes and cars and nice stuff..and all im expecting is some intimacy and romance in a physical way more than just once a week.. and he cant even give me that..

Why is it that im in love with this amazing man who cant give me the one thing i really want from him?

Maybe i should just ask him to buy me the moon and a few stars.

-End of rant.


SunnyJee
11-30-2011, 02:33 AM
My ex and I dated for over 5 years, and lived together for the last 2 years.
Of course at the beginning, our sex lives were rampant. It definitely lessened when we moved in together...I think that's natural when you are dealing with "real life" together, and not in the "dating" phase anymore.

Having said that...I progressively gained weight during our relationship, and when we moved in together, I gained progressively more. At 5'0, my high was 150lbs and considered obese. I also did NOT CARRY IT WELL.
As much as I would have loved to turn the lights out and get my needs met, well....I certainly didn't like the way I looked naked, and so I know how HE felt about it. Half the time, I would wear a big t-shirt, with lights out... Sigh.

I think we delude ourselves to think that our significant other will still be attracted to us when our appearance changes....drastically, in my situation. I gained over 30 pounds dating him. Of course our sex life was hampered. He wasn't attracted to me physically anymore. I'm not placing blame. That was just the truth. He still cared about me. I sometimes think he felt really guilty for not being able to be attracted to me anymore. I wish that we had lived in a Utopia where I could have kept gaining and our sex life wouldn't have suffered, but........

Anyways, I'm not saying that this is your situation at all. Just wanted to share my story with you, because I always had a high sex drive with him, and it always hurt when he would not "fulfill my needs".
Right or wrong, his needs were for me to keep my body healthy and attractive to him. That didn't happen, and it's not like he sprung it on me...I was aware that my gaining weight was affecting him. Again, I'm NOT saying that he was right or wrong. Sometimes the truth doesn't have any morality claims to it. It was what it was.

And I think most people are like him.

All over these boards, I hear so many women comment on how loving and awesome their husbands and boyfriends are regardless of their weight. That's amazing, and it makes me so happy to know that relationships like that exist. I just know that it's not necessarily the rule.

I don't want to get into semantics about how love should be blind. Because I don't necessarily believe it's black and white. I've never had to be tested to see if I would remain attracted to a potential mate if he gained a large amount of weight. It doesn't mean that I would (or could) stop loving him. But attraction is a funny thing, and love and attraction aren't necessarily synonymous.

Take care of yourself.

Bulanova
11-30-2011, 02:42 AM
I am in a similar situation, though I am in your husband's shoes. I fully understand what he means when he says it's too much pressure. If you can masturbate, do that instead for a while. I know it's not the same as sex, but it does sound like your husband needs space for a while. It's hard when you feel like you're on a sex schedule. Incompatible sex drives are very common. It may be worth researching. I doubt it has to do with your weight though. Either way, best of luck. It's a difficult situation for both of you to be in. :/


carol2208
11-30-2011, 04:00 AM
Iīm more or less in the same situation as you are, and itīs been over a year. At first we would do it every day, then it was every other day, then it was twice a week, thatīs when I started asking for more. I actually weigh less now than when we first met, so itīs not a weight thing. But for me, it has to do with the fact that I feel he is not attracted to me anymore, and it hurts.

Weīve talked about it, and he has admitted that he doesnīt want it as much as I do, that although he feels attracted to me, he probably is not as attracked to me as I am to him, but that he would try. Since then, I have lost weight, Iīm doing more sports, and Iīm feeling more attractive, but funny enough our sex life has deteorated even more. Now, we probably do it once a week, and I have the feeling that it happens once a week because he is aware of my unhappiness in that department, otherwise I think we would probably go a lot longer without it...

Apart from making me feel like the ugliest woman on earth, it also makes me insecure about us (he never cheated on me, but he was about to once). Iīve tried everything but not caring and I honestly donīt know what to do anymore, so I really canīt offer you much more than someone you can talk to, that kind of knows what youīre going through....

Unna
11-30-2011, 04:21 AM
If I were you, I'd stop pressuring him. No one wants to do something when they feel forced.

I tend to empathize more with your boyfriend. I have a lovely, attractive boyfriend who always wants to have sex - almost as much now as when we first met 3 years ago. Anyway, when I feel the slightest bit forced, it turns off anything 'sexy' inside me. My sex drive is definitely nothing compared to his. It could be stress - I have a job that feels like I work, at least mentally, 24 hours a day.

Well, I'm glad you posted this. I think I now understand better how it could be hurting my boyfriends feelings! Men are usually straight forward, if it was about your weight gain, I feel like he'd say that.

JOLINA
11-30-2011, 04:49 AM
He is not exactly the sexless wonder, but he is slowly getting there. When it is down to once a month, then I would get very concerned.

There are a lot more fish in the sea, but how do you hook a good one?

Have him take in more zinc. Zinc improves the sex drive.
Oysters are high in zinc and so are raw pumpkin seeds. You can get raw pumpkin seeds at a health food store, or buy them online.
They have no shells and they must be the raw ones.

He could have more stress in his life or a low grade infection or other health issues.
If he is gaining weight that could be detrimental also.

And start a new diet and exercize program soon. Talking hasn't worked, so it's time to take action.
Involve him in your exercize program. Get him healthier.
If he sees you losing weight he might start to wonder why, then get less complacent and sure of himself.

:wl: :woops: :bike2: :running: :swim: :ebike: :tread:

Best of luck to you.
:hug:

Never go through life saying you should have.
If you want to do something...you do it.
~ Vincent Ardolino ... Captain, Amberjack V ~

sacha
11-30-2011, 06:18 AM
I've gone through this post-baby too - at 130lbs (btw, same age gap for us too, 27 and 34)

I think it may be worth considering that this isn't necessarily related to your weight but the stress of a baby, new relationship after a baby (once it settles after the birth - sometimes we have a 'high' right after to force ourselves back to normal pre-baby couple then reality hits), etc.

I go to a huge baby forum too and this is a very common issue, big or small girls alike.

It can be hard to get back into the 'groove' when you've avoided sex during a pregnancy (I lost my last one but it was a no-sex one, it took time after). Also, I think sometimes people perceive men as hot & ready & willing at all times - this is a bit of a myth that puts a lot of pressure on men. There are times where they really just aren't in the mood OR there is an emotional separation that prevents them from wanting to.

Does he look at a lot of porn? I know when I was postpartum, I told my H to just go look at that because I couldn't do much (I couldn't... traumatic birth), unfortunately he just looked too often and got lazy. I am 100% for porn in consensual relationships - but it can be a lazy outlet and sometimes you need to remind them that they are neglecting you in favour of a quick fix. Of course, that's only if that's the issue.

Have you ever read marriagebuilders.com ??? You might find it useful.

I really do sympathize... my son is 17 months and we've recently broken this cycle. It takes work. But lay off the pressure for now.

kirsteng
11-30-2011, 06:38 AM
I am also on the other side of your problem.

I've been with my husband since 1997, married in 2003. We were the same in the beginning - sometimes twice a day. That lasted about a year. Then it was every other day for a couple of years, then slowly it got down to a couple of times a week - we were there before we had our first baby in 2003. After babies, it's been a different story (we now have 3). It's all me... I am just not in the mood far too often. Tired, busy, cranky.. and at the end of the day I feel like it's one more obligation to fulfill (terrible, I know). But especially when DH has complained about it - I want to do it even less. I think for me what it is lacking is the mood. I need to FEEL sexy in order to want to have sex - and dealing with bickering kids, homework, nursing (have a 2 year old), dirty dishes and laundry... well, there's just not a lot of sexy in that. :lol:

I've also gained 30 pounds since meeting DH (currently 15 pounds more than where I met him). For him, I think it was not a problem at all. He always tells me that he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful, and he clearly always finds me attractive. :lol: Not to say that that is true of every man, but it certainly is of mine.

If your biggest worry is that he has lost attraction for you due to your weight, I think you really need to get it out there on the table once and for all. The worst thing he's going to say is that it is true - for him, your weight makes you less attractive. You can then take action - and how sexy is that?? If you tell him, 'right then, since this weight is a problem for both of us, I'm going to work on it starting today. Get ready for your healthy slim fiancee to make a reappearance in a couple of months, buster!" ;)

The other possiblity is that he's just responding to the pressure. Believe me, the pressure DOESN"T WORK and it is SO UNSEXY. DOn't say anything more about it - just take action. Make yourself happy and healthy, work on your weight which will only improve your self esteem and your appearance, be loving and warm and accepting of where he's at right now.. and loosen him up every now and then with a nice glass of wine on a weekend and see where it leads.. but let him take the lead for a little while to take teh pressure off!

Anyhow, take heart.. this is all solvable. Sex drives come and go, and this is maybe a rough patch in what is probably a long and wonderful life together. Be gentle with yourself and each other. :hug:

Unna
11-30-2011, 06:52 AM
I disagree with JOLINA, that you should start becoming very concerned. I think our society places tons of unnecessary influence on "normal" sex lives. Really, what is normal for one couple isn't normal for them all. One couple may have a wonderful sex life if they have sex once a month, another may suffer.

I also don't think his disinterestedness is necessarily a physical problem or some sort of infection.

Instead of pressuring him, I'd probably have an honest talk: you feel the need to have sex multiple times a week. Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement that doesn't involve pressure.

JessLess
11-30-2011, 07:17 AM
He may have a medical problem that he doesn't want to tell you about. Someone I know had UTIs for YEARS that were related to sugar in his urine (pre-diabetes). It took him years to get a good diagnosis and he was too embarrassed to say it was painful to have sex sometimes.

Food for thought I hope.

bargoo
11-30-2011, 07:59 AM
I agree about letting up on the pressure. Sex on demand is a turnoff. There is also this, some men lose interest after you have had a baby. They find having sex with a Mother a real problem. Don't know if this is the case but I would definitely let up on pressuring him for awhile and see what happens.

Coondocks
11-30-2011, 11:18 AM
For the past two and a half years i have been asking him to make a change and make it consistent.. i want a consistent sex life.. i want it every couple of days..not once a week or once every two weeks..it doesnt matter how great or how bad our lives are going..nothing changes in that department..and when i ask him why..the only excuse he ever uses is " it feels like too much pressure"... TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! i lowered my expectation and said "well what about every 3 days" and did that work? well..for maybe two to three weeks..and then he went back..to 1 every two weeks..


I don't mean to offend you by saying this, but you seem to have a communication issue above anything.
You asked him why and he gave you and answer, not an excuse - and that wasn't good enough for you. He said it feels like too much pressure and you don't believe that.
Im sorry, but just from reading you're post I can sense the pressure you place on sex.
Things were 'hot and heavy' at first, but things die down, it happens with a lot of couples.
It's great you know what your sex drive is, but obviously his isn't the same. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to be willing to work around it and not expect he should give it up when ever you want.

Take it for what it's worth

cherrypie
11-30-2011, 12:07 PM
men owe us sex on demand about as much as women owe men. If a woman was in here telling us how a man was trying to impose a sex schedule on them we would be all up in arms and half the people here would be telling her to dump him. You've turned it into a chore which is not exactly sexy.

it's normal for sex to become less frequent. And people have different sex drives. A man having a lower sex drive than you is not some failing on his part.

rubidoux
11-30-2011, 12:32 PM
I wonder if it's a problem when one partner is wanting the other one to have sex with them more to prove that they're still attracted to the. I think that would feel kind of negative and be a turn off for some, if they picked up on it. I think sex is especially fun when both partners want to do it for more, uhh, pure reasons (can't think of a better word for it).

OP, it sounds to me like that is not your only reason and maybe not even one of your reasons when things started to slow down, but now it is and it sounds like it injects some anxiety into the whole thing, kwim?

And I do agree that pressure and ultimatums, and schedules aren't sexy. I would back off from that.

Softykins
11-30-2011, 12:59 PM
I'm sorry to hear it, as it seems to bother you so much.
But, it could be worse: my husband and I of 3 years have sex once a year.

popspry
11-30-2011, 01:21 PM
I think once every 3 days is pretty demanding, it makes me feel pressured just reading it. I'd try for say 1x/week - and see how things go from there. Introducing a baby into one's life can be very hard - including for one's sex life. Children change relationships. My question is - are you expecting him to initiate? Maybe he woulld feel less pressured if you didn't always put the ball in his court?

It seems like you had a child very early in your relationship - maybe you didn't have time to settle down into a more normal sex rate (what I mean is almost no one has sex as much as they did in the first months). I wouldn't expect pareents of a young child to be having sex as much as they did when it was just them.

Another thought: are you making time for him? Are you guys having time to romantically connect completely alone? I don't do well with pressure, and I like things to progress naturally, but you can help things along by setting up an environment that's conducive to intimacy.

dragonwoman64
11-30-2011, 02:02 PM
the age difference may be playing a part. and I agree that there's a big pressure in being a dad that may damper things for him. he may have other stuff on his mind. maybe you could talk without bringing up sex, get a feel for where he's at. these things are negotiations for couples, you know? I think it must be rare for two people to always be in sync in regards to timing and frequency.

Rainbowgirl
11-30-2011, 03:50 PM
Do you try to make HIM feel sexy and wanted, and not just a means to fulfill YOUR needs? And do it in a way where he doesn't suspect or believe you're only doing it to get something out of it?

Have you tried weekly - or even biweekly date nights, without your child, where you can be adults and romantic?

Have you tried actually talking to him - asking him why he feels it's so much pressure? What would make the pressure ease?

Finally, have you tried couples therapy?

PreciousMissy
11-30-2011, 05:05 PM
I think showing him some romance by planning a night out, with just the two of you, doing things that he likes but doesn't get to do that often would be nice. Men need to be romanced, too. But, you can not push, ask, or suggest sex at all! Just treat him special and let him relax. I know for me sex is 90% mental 10% physical. At the end of my marriage I was not interested in my ex at all, and it had nothing to do with his looks.

ddc
11-30-2011, 05:24 PM
I saw a sex therpaist on tv once say that some men get totally turned off from sex after seeing a baby come out of there. Or maybe he's afraid of another pregnancy at this point. Really, you need to talk to him and figure it out. Good luck :)

butterflymama
11-30-2011, 10:40 PM
After we had our DS our sex life totally died :( We have sex maybe twice a mon if we are lucky. One of the things that was affecting DH was he was afraid to get pregnant again and well guess what one of the 2 times we had sex in Sept I got pregnant! Yeah so now I am sure it is going to be extra difficult after this baby :dizzy:

Even now that I am pregnant and that fear is gone it still is non-existent but I don't feel that either of us shares more of the blame then the other. Life is tiring right now. However we need to talk! We are very loving to each other. Oh and we have been together for 15 years :)

Porthardygurl
12-01-2011, 03:04 PM
Hmmm..

Well in my personal opinion, i think his feelings of pressure is totally coming from himself.. The reason why i say that.. is because i dont even mention to him the idea of having sex.. I wait for him to come to me when he is ready for it..I used to try persuing him and he would turn me down and i would feel like something was wrong with me, so i got sick of trying and now i let him come to me when he wants it.

I think this "pressure" issue is in his head..because..after a few weeks of having nothing, i approach him and say "im not content with our sex life". I tell him how i feel about the lack of sex in our life. I explain to him that i am human and i have needs and if he expects me not to masturbate, then he needs to meet my needs himself. Just like him: he doesnt masturbate and no he doesnt watch or read porn and neither do i.. but we have an agreement that we will be there physically for the other. Contrary to what you might think.. this was my fiancee's decision and not mine. I would have been okay with masturbation if he couldnt meet my needs. But he isnt okay with it.

The most pressure i put on him is me saying "hey hun, we havent had sex in 2 weeks, i was kind of wondering when we could get back into it?" One time i said "hey, why dont we compromise and have it x number of times a week"

I thought by doing that..then he wouldnt feel like im asking him all the time..

If making your needs known is considered pressure or alerting your SO that you are unhappy in your sex life is wrong..then what are you supposed to do? just wait till things get bad enough, that you want to go out and cheat and find another man who will? or dump him because you are so unhappy or masturbate behind his back? Can you tell me any other way im supposed to fix it? cause... honestly..its gotten to the point a couple of times over the past 2.5 years where ive been so unhappy ive almost cheated or almost broken up with him..and i guess some people dont care if they dont get sex..but for me..it validates me as a women..and it makes me feel secure and loved and appreciated.. i am a physically affectionate person..its my primary language of love that i show and recieve...if im not recieving it..then im feeling pretty unhappy..im not suggesting we need to have sex every day..but more then once a week would be nice.

kaplods
12-01-2011, 03:49 PM
In college, I took a human sexuality course, and while I don't remember the exact numbers, I distinctly remember the whole class being suprised that the "average" frequency of sex for young couples was so low, and that the average for older couples was surprisingly high. It meant that the cultural perception that young people are having sex all of the time, and older and even elderly couples never have sex - is completely hogwash. Our "perception" of normal and the reality are very different.

Once a week, or even twice a month is'nt by any means rare or unusual for couples of any age.

Of course, it doesn't matter whose sex drive is more "average," what matters is that your sex drives are incompatible. Unfortunately this is also not at all unusual. Couples in perfect sexual-sync, in which both partners are getting exactly the kind and amount of sex they want - are the minority, not the majority. In most cases, someone is always getting more or less than they would like. Even couples who do have similar desires, often aren't in sync at the same time - meaning they both want sex once a week, but one person wants it on Tuesday mornings, and the other wants it on Saturday evening.

Sex always seems naturally easy and perfect on tv and in books - it's not. Sexual and financial differences are both at the top of the list as reasons couple split up, and I think it's partially because we're taught that agreements in these areas are supposed to come easily and naturally (especially with sex).

Most couples are mismatched sexually to some degree, but there are healthy ways to communicate and compromise so that neither partner gets everything they want, but neither feels as if they're the one always making a "sacrifice."

Counseling is the best, and easiest way to learn the needed skills.

I know that this place isnt meant to be a therapy place but couples sex therapy doesnt exist in port hardy..


Actually yes it does, and I'd highly recommend it. In a quick search on google, I found eleven listings for couple's counseling in Port Hardy and found eleven listings with phone numbers just in the first source listed. And there could be even more, because some counselors who do not specialize in couple's counseling (and therefore would not be listed) would also have experience).

CanadianCutie
12-01-2011, 03:50 PM
Honestly, from this post, and your previous ones on this topic and others (recently and in the past), you seem to let every thing upset you. You said you've been dealing with this for the last 2 and a half years, it's not likely going to get better. The two of you have very different sex drives. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn't practical. Get into couples therapy, or reevaluate your relationship.

ade903
12-01-2011, 04:22 PM
Whoa, whoa, whoa...nobody has a right to tell you that you can't masturbate. Even with a happy, healthy sex life, I still enjoy a little time alone here and there. And okay, you made an agreement. But he's not holding up his end of it, so masturbate away!

Honestly, I'm in disagreement with most of the people that have responded. Yes, the sex side of a relationship comes and goes as the relationship progresses. But for me, sex is really important. REALLY important. It's just as important for my sexual needs to be met as it is for my emotional needs. If I'm with someone that is unwilling to meet my needs, they've at least got to show that they are trying. And you can bet that if they are unwilling to even try, I'd leave them. I hope things get better. But don't let anyone make you feel like your need for sex is wrong.

Honestly, I'd probably start masturbating without hiding it. And if he said something about it, I'd say "I'm human. I have needs. You made it clear that you aren't interested in helping me meet my needs. So I'll take care of myself." Perhaps that'll get him going.

djs06
12-01-2011, 04:23 PM
For what it's worth, I don't think it sounds like you're pressuring him. Couples have differing sex drives more often than not-but I think you (in this case, he) needs to be willing to admit that him not meeting your needs can (and should) result in you meeting your own. The "rules" you have set for not being able to 'take care of business' yourself aren't really fair in this scenario. At the very least, he should be willing to agree to not acknowledge it- but he shouldn't FORBID it. He should care that you're not getting your needs met, regardless of what the circumstances are.

I wanted to add my two cents because it seems that some reactions are coming down on you pretty hard. Sex lives slow down but when gets to the point it sounds like you're in (and thats different for everyone), I can understand how you'd be frustrated.

Also, I don't know that you need to find a sex therapist, per se. Maybe you need to find a garden variety couple's counselor who can help you with this, because it can be an underlying issue in the relationship.

ade903
12-01-2011, 04:26 PM
Also, I don't know that you need to find a sex therapist, per se. Maybe you need to find a garden variety couple's counselor who can help you with this, because it can be an underlying issue in the relationship.

I agree with this.

sacha
12-01-2011, 04:42 PM
Porthardgurl, please take this for what it's worth, in all your threads I notice a common theme: you seem to be a very difficult person to please and perhaps this has turned him away. Sorry, just my observation. I don't know you so I could be completely wrong, but I have yet to read a thread for you where somebody in your life has actually met your expectations.

4myloves
12-01-2011, 04:55 PM
Porthardgurl, please take this for what it's worth, in all your threads I notice a common theme: you seem to be a very difficult person to please and perhaps this has turned him away. Sorry, just my observation. I don't know you so I could be completely wrong, but I have yet to read a thread for you where somebody in your life has actually met your expectations.

I don't think that response is quite fair in this situation. She has numerous posts on 3FC, only two of which are "difficult." She's started two threads asking for help within the last week or so, which tells me she's reaching a point of frustration in her life and really does need our advice (which I don't feel obliged to give at this point, because of all the other great posters who have replied).

I don't mean to sound harsh toward you, but you're right, you don't know her, and this is typically a place where people come to vent/rant. Of course, on the flip side, in your defense, when one vents and/or rants, he or she must be able to accept the constructive (or not :) ) criticism with the affectionate (or not :) )advice.

sacha
12-01-2011, 05:15 PM
^I can recall a fair bit more than just the two threads here. But anyone can feel free to ignore me :)

4myloves
12-01-2011, 05:25 PM
^ Never!! You're stuck with me :devil:

mandalinn82
12-01-2011, 05:27 PM
I'm going to go ahead and close this thread, as the OP has gotten a wide variety of advice from various sources.