General chatter - OH MY GOODNESS! Baby Shower Issue...




EZMONEY
09-16-2011, 01:37 PM
I thought I would throw this out here to see what you gals think about my situation....always appreciate the advice I have received here :hug:

A few weeks ago my daughter announced (posted here by me ;))she was expecting her first baby :carrot:

Then last week my niece announced she was expecting her 2nd baby :carrot:

Now here is my problem....well, it could be a problem.

Last night I asked my wife if she has had time to call my ex-wife and my daughter's mil about a baby shower. She told me that she hadn't and would this week-end. Then she tells me this...

when my niece called to announce her baby news, she congratulated Angie and I on my our daughter's good news. Then...

she says "Since Amanda's is due in March and mine in May, we can have a combined baby shower!"......

OK, first of all I love my niece....second everyone in my family will buy baby items for the new kiddo....a given! But...

she has already had her shower! My daughter has not.....

I know traditions change over the years and what not...but in my family, and my ex's and my wife's it has always been a family shower for the first baby only! This has been forever our tradition. When all my siblings and my kids were growing up, gifts were bought for babies #2-#whatever...swings, toys, clothes, were passed down and around.

We had a very nice...very nice shower for my niece 4 years ago when her son was born. We have continued to support with items over the years also.

Without being nasty, let me say this...when it comes to family activities that involve getting together they always happen at my house as I have the best one for that. Everyone...all the nieces, the nephew, all the young adults (our kids) all ask what they can bring or just bring something to eat or drink...except....you guessed it ;) I can't ever remembering her asking or bringing.....anyway..as I have said...I love my niece :)

My wife says "NO WAY!" is our daughter going to "share" her family shower....NO EFFIN WAY!! And to be honest she would have no problem telling our niece so, if it came right down to it.

My problem is, I kind of hope it just goes away and never comes up again...then part of me wants to bring it up with my sister, her mom, and have her tell my niece it isn't going to happen....I know my sis will back me and to be honest probably be floored with what my niece brought up...but, also knowing her, she may be inclined to "make excuses" for her.....

we all have family issues don't we? ;)

So ladies, tell me....what would you do? and is it cool, these days, to have baby showers for the 2nd-whatever kid?


XLMuffnTop
09-16-2011, 02:02 PM
I do see it more now and I'm not really keen on it. To each their own of course, and if their friends and family support it so be it.

Here at my office, they do a small shower for all pregnancies which I was very awkward about but it was just a diaper shower, so... a small bag of diapers, box of wipes, etc.

I think showers aren't as common with the second as presumably there's already a lot of gear they have (cribs, sheets, toys) and a larger network of mommies to pass things around. My sister and I have passed bags of clothes back and forth for five years now and I've shared with my best friend and she has shared with her church people.I never expected all new and the best stuff for my first. I definitely didn't with the second. I think on some levels that's greedy. If you have the means to buy all new stuff for every child more power to ya, but don't expect others to do so for you.

It's still a bit away so you may just give it some time and see if it isn't mentioned again. You might try a few different things depending on your family dynamic:

1. Schedule your daughter's shower later and if your niece mentions it, just say it's been so long since she mentioned it you forgot or thought she wasn't interested.
2. You can go a 1/2 truth route that this is your daughters first shower and she wants to make it extra special to her liking. After all, if she only has one child she'll never have this special experience again.
3. You can be very honest with her or her family and let them know how you feel which you've expressed to us here.

Hope it all works out and congratulations on another addition to your family. :)

Lovely
09-16-2011, 02:16 PM
They happen more often now, but traditionally, yes... they were only ever thrown for the first baby, because that's when you needed the stuff. 2nd kid through 50th kid? Use the old stuff!

If someone wants to throw your niece a party or give her a little gift to congratulate her on her 2nd child, then by all means!

However, sharing a 2nd/3rd/4th shower with someone who is only just experiencing their first pregnancy? No! Let the first time mother-to-be have a little time in the sun.

PLUS! Also traditionally, you do not throw your own baby shower. Nor do you throw your own bridal shower, etc, etc, etc. So, your niece even mentioning her own baby shower is kind of... tacky. There I said it. Tacky.

I wouldn't bring it up, unless the niece brings it up, again. At which point it's absolutely okay to say "That won't be possible. Dear Daughter is going to have her own shower since it's her first baby, after all."


chickadee32
09-16-2011, 10:53 PM
Yup, I'm on the same page as all of you. Your daughter most definitely should not have to share her shower with anyone, let alone with someone who thinks they're entitled to a shower for their second child. Though I see more showers now for 2nd, 3rd etc. babies, I find it tacky in general and a bit irritating when I feel obligated to attend them.

And no offense meant... but really? Your niece is, what, 6 weeks pregnant, and she's already talking about a baby shower??

Honestly, if your wife truly doesn't mind discussing it with your niece, I'd let her go ahead and just do it. Then it will be out of the way now, off your minds, and no one will have to worry about it coming up again. By the time the shower rolls around, any hurt feelings will be long past.

zoritsa
09-16-2011, 11:23 PM
They happen more often now, but traditionally, yes... they were only ever thrown for the first baby, because that's when you needed the stuff. 2nd kid through 50th kid? Use the old stuff!

If someone wants to throw your niece a party or give her a little gift to congratulate her on her 2nd child, then by all means!

However, sharing a 2nd/3rd/4th shower with someone who is only just experiencing their first pregnancy? No! Let the first time mother-to-be have a little time in the sun.

PLUS! Also traditionally, you do not throw your own baby shower. Nor do you throw your own bridal shower, etc, etc, etc. So, your niece even mentioning her own baby shower is kind of... tacky. There I said it. Tacky.

I wouldn't bring it up, unless the niece brings it up, again. At which point it's absolutely okay to say "That won't be possible. Dear Daughter is going to have her own shower since it's her first baby, after all."

This.The niece should understand if you word it as politely as it is worded here.

My family is the same way.1st baby only.Kind of sucked for me,because my kids were 8 1/2 years apart,but I made do and was appreciative of any gifts my youngest was given :D

alaskanlaughter
09-17-2011, 12:08 AM
i dont think the baby showers should be combined...i think each person should have their own whatever-they-want....on the other hand, i had baby showers for both my kids...they weren't organized by me either...after my first son was born, our church did one for us...and when i was pregnant 8 years later, my work did a surprise baby shower to me before he was born (TOTAL surprise!) and then my sister in law organized one for all of us friends after he was born...but the baby showers weren't for receiving expensive gifts or big ones either...i got baby blankets and clothes, little toys, stuff like that at all of them

CrystalZ10
09-17-2011, 02:47 AM
Okay..I agree with everyone that your daughter needs to have her moment in the sun and you should be nothing but truthful with your niece. But there is no reason to be unkind...just explain that your throwing this for YOUR daughter since its her first, and if your sister decides to have a shower for your niece, than you'll be happy to attend and help out with a covered dish or something. :D

jules1216
09-17-2011, 12:24 PM
I really think they should be separate...let each momma have her own time...I am sure you and Angie will be able to say it in a nice way where the niece is not offended...

DezziePS
09-17-2011, 01:14 PM
Hmmmm....I agree that baby showers thrown for yourself are tacky, that you get a baby shower really for first baby only (exceptions being if your babies are years and years apart, I think, enough to have different friends contributing and to have gotten rid of all the baby stuff from the first round. Example: I am 14 years older than my little sister. I do not think the baby shower for her was inappropriate. Four years, yeah, she doesn't get another shower.

***BUT***

How does your daughter feel about this? She might think it's cute or like the idea? My husband's cousins (they were sisters) were also preggers around the same time- one with her first child and one with her second. Their mom did a family shower for them where the emphasis was definitely on first-time-mom, but second mom was included. Second-time-around mom didn't register at a baby store, but the cake had both of the baby names on it, though it was decorated in the theme of first-time-mom's nursery. Maybe there is a meet in the middle solution? Do a shower as normal for your daughter and then have a small separate cake for her? Don't mention her on the invite, but tell family she will be in attendance so it might be a fun time to give her the booties ya'll got her so she doesn't feel left out?

Also, maybe she hasn't thought about it very much. If your daughter & niece are at the age where most of their generation has only had 1 baby, maybe she just didn't realize she is being gauche by expecting another shower.

sontaikle
09-17-2011, 02:52 PM
It's becoming increasingly common to have baby showers for second, third, fourth, etc. kids. The only time it really seems warranted is when the parents DON'T have those things anymore, for a variety of reasons (e.g. surprise baby, many years between babies, etc.)

That said, your daughter definitely deserves her moment in the sun, as others have said. She's a first time mom, so she SHOULD get a nice shower to herself...unless she doesn't want it! If she doesn't mind sharing a shower with your niece, then that's fine too, but she also shouldn't be pressured into having a dual shower if she doesn't want it.

Gogirl008
09-17-2011, 10:17 PM
I agree with everyone else. Your daughter deserves her own baby shower (unless she wants to share it). These are memories she won't be able to get back.

And, yes, I think it is more common to have showers for 2nd and 3rd babies. Maybe not traditional, but things are changing and times are hard. Maybe let your wife tell your niece the plans and offer to participate in her own baby shower, as long as it's seperate from your daughters. Then it's done and you don't have to worry about it creeping back up in conversation. Definitely let her know right away that you made a decision and it's done.

I'm sure your niece didn't mean to steal the spotlight, but I bet it'll occure to her once the plans are set. She'll understand and make her own plans.

98DaysOfSummer
09-18-2011, 08:51 AM
The next time it comes up, someone just needs to say, "No, I don't think so" and change the subject. Some people are just socially clueless and I'll give your niece the benefit of the doubt and assume she's clueless and not greedy.

EZMONEY
09-18-2011, 08:48 PM
Thank you ladies so much for your help, I know I can always count on you :hug:

We haven't had a chance yet to go further on planning, my wife and ex-wife that is. Angie has had a week-end of yoga workshops, my ex-wife's dad is not doing to well and plans to go see him/care are occupying her mind right now. My wife, ex, sister and I all sat together at church today but by the time Angie and I helped pick up the bells and tables from her bell choir, my ex was already clearing the communion cups from altar for the second service.

We will get it taken care of. To be honest my niece would probably not have a problem with not being a part of Amanda's, she probably just wasn't looking at it the way I am. One thing about my family, the cousins...all 7 of them really stick up for each other as they grew up together.

One thing I want to share though about my question....is it common for 2nd-whatever children to have a baby shower these days...which you all answered so well and that is this.....

I talked this over with my son and daughter in law yesterday, figuring my dil would be up on that stuff for kids these days since she has a ton of girlfriends from high school, college, and her Charger Girls cheer leading days and her teaching friends...she said it is very common among her group
she is always being invited to one but they are, for the most part, kept low key. More along the lines of a lunch get together or for a "happy hour". She said the gifts are more on the diapers, gift cards for meals out, etc. side....

she said they call them "SPRINKLES" instead of SHOWERS...I thought that was cute :)

I saw my daughter this afternoon...still having morning sickness at 15 weeks but so excited :carrot:

I will keep you informed and thanks again!! :)

mzKiki
09-20-2011, 07:08 PM
I had a baby in 2007 and another in 2009. In 2007 I had a GRAND scale baby shower planned by my mom. I had not planned on having another shower less than 2 yrs later and thought that it would be tacky to ask for gifts from ppl who had just given. My boss and co-workers gave me a small shower and I still felt funny as they had attended my 1st shower. A few even made jokes like "I can't afford these baby gifts please give us time before you have another."
With that being said. I agree with you totally. Furthermore, I'm sure that your niece is well aware of family tradition of the 1 nice shower. I say let your wife politely remind her.

MiZTaCCen
09-23-2011, 01:11 PM
umm, if it was MY first baby shower, I'd be pretty upset that someone else comes into my show. That's just me personally. As for more then one baby shower, I agree one is enough UNLESS the person first had a boy, and the second child is a girl then I'd say okay great for a second baby shower, but if it's a second boy, or second girl meh you already had a baby a shower. IMO.

I would just be honest with her, that your daughter deserves to have her own baby shower and that you don't want to do a double one...that's kind of having a double wedding...no one wants that. :)

ChickieChicks
09-27-2011, 08:27 AM
A 1st shower is the big "to-do" and shold be celebrated alone, unless it is some unusual situation like close sisters both expecting 1st baby and really WANTING a shower together.

2nd babies (around here) are often celebrated with Diaper Parties. Gifts are a pack of diapers and a pack of wipes.

Some people have bi 2nd showers if the 2nd baby is the opposite gender as the first, but I find this unnecessary, IMHO.

Huzzahforska
09-27-2011, 12:02 PM
If it was my baby shower I would definitely not want to share it.

My family tradition is a shower for the first baby only, and I would feel greedy having a 2nd shower if I was having a 2nd baby.