I had a weird moment(s) yesterday, and I wanted to share, in order to gain any insight from the masses! For the last few weeks I've been calorie counting again. This time though, I raised my calories by a couple hundred, and I stopped doing low-carb/high-protein/whatever (just aiming to keep a good balance). I'm just counting out my calories and limiting them, not cutting anything out of my diet really, and working in the things I want--no weird deprivation for me this time. And for the most part I've been quite happy with how it's going. I did go off-track a couple times the first week (I'm chalking it up to quitting smoking again and TOM hitting at the same time). I also am making a point of it now NOT to make myself feel all guilty when I do go off. Just accepting the behaviour and getting back on the horse. Mess up and I still gotta move on, and in general I'm feeling pretty good.
Well, yesterday was weird. I went out to a late lunch/early supper with my friend, to a favorite location of ours. I was actually pretty proud of myself, ordered a slice of homemade meatloaf (stuffed with veggies, so delish!) and as my sides I had a salad, cup of split pea soup, and a cup of fruit. Not bad considering what I've ordered before. I made a point of ordering well so that I wouldn't feel like I'd just thrown the whole day away, but I still got that feeling. It was like eating out brought back all these old feelings where I just assumed the day was screwed, so I might as well binge! I found myself driving home and thinking about what I was going to get from McDonald's, thinking about what I was going to pile in for the rest of the day. And then I started to just confuse myself:
"Wait," I said, "I am not actually hungry! And I was careful, I could probably just log the food normally and be fine for the day."
"But wait," my brain/stomache said, "you probably are over anyway, so why not take the opportunity to splurge a bit! You can hit the dollar store first and get a bunch of junk, then hit up McDonald's (don't forget dessert!) and just hang out in your room and watch a movie with your food."
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't really want to take the opportunity to go crazy, like before. It was a perfect excuse that I've used so many times before, and instead of jumping at the chance I was really struggling with it. It was like I was realizing that I don't need to do that anymore, but it was a knee-jerk reaction, a built-in habit. My instinct was telling me to go for it like I had so many other times ("You can start fresh tomorrow and be really good!") but a huge part of my was telling me that I didn't need it anymore, that I don't need to keep thinking this way. If I can essentially have anything I want, why do I need to pack it all in this evening? I ended up letting my old habits get some of the best of me, I did get some junk food, albeit a small bag and a small pack of cookies, and I did have McDonald's for dinner. But I actually do feel guilty for not listening to the part of me that didn't really want to do that. I purposefully denied that, and now I feel bad, not about the food, but about going against what I knew I really wanted. I'm back on the horse today and I don't think I'll be overeating for a while.
Anyway, sorry it's so long, but I wanted to share. It was just a really weird thing for me, bingeing has been really internally ingrained in me for such a long time, and it's sort of awkward letting it go, even though I know it's time. It wasn't a craving, or a spot of deprivation that made me eat that stuff last night, it was like it was pure habit speaking. I'll be happy to see it go