General chatter - How would you handle a person who wants to be friends but you don't?




fitness4life
06-22-2011, 11:12 AM
I could put this under the "things that annoy you" thread.

There is a woman I briefly worked with 2 years ago who has come back (unwanted) into my life.

I'll start from recent to past.

Last night, at midnight, she sent me 7 text messages in 15 minutes. I go to bed early because I wake up at 4:30 every other day for work. I tried to shut off my phone, but it was being quirky and even with the sound off, the darned thing buzzed when she texted. I didn't reply to any of them.

Why? Because she was asking if I wanted to be her friend. I don't. But I don't know how to tell her and writing that I was sleeping just seemed rude after a question like that. I'll just text her this morning that I didn't get the texts till this morning.

Why don't I wanna be her friend? Honestly, I think she's nuts.

Two years ago, I thought she was nuts. I was happy when she quit her job.

Recently, she got divorced (H was a narcissistic, abusive adulterer) and it put her over the edge. She's in therapy, on meds, etc. I know this, because when she came back into my life, it was clear to me she needed more help than just a friend and I urged her to get pro help.

So I helped a woman in need. That doesn't mean she's my friend.

We really have nothing in common but our sons are friends. Everything else about her personality (forget about the nutty stuff) not only do I not like in a person, but I could fill the "things that annoy you" thread up with things that she does.

So, knowing she's so fragile, how do I handle keeping my distance from her without hurting her?


Esofia
06-22-2011, 11:25 AM
That level of texting sounds like she could be a potential stalker. I'd get advice from stalking organisations, to be honest. Worry about your own safety, not hers. If she's so fragile that she can't cope with being told you're not interested, then she won't be coping with anything else either and your rejection will not be the one thing pushing her over the edge.

astrophe
06-22-2011, 11:45 AM
Just tell her -- "Thanks! I'm flattered. But I've got personal stuff going on right now so it's not a good time for me to start new relationships. "

There. She doesn't need to know your personal stuff is your dislike of her.

A.


bargoo
06-22-2011, 12:03 PM
I would ask her not to be texting me in the middle of the night as you need to get up early, after that I would ignore her if she persists I would do as astrophe suggested.

joyfulloser
06-22-2011, 12:05 PM
Treat people the way you would want to be treated...is what I live by.;) I would NOT do anything that I did not WANT to do. Be honest. I think too many people forget the VALUE OF HONESTY. That doesn't mean that you have to be mean, but you can tactfully choose your words while being forthright. Yes...the truth can hurt...but a LIE always hurts worse and runs much deeper.

I would much rather someone just tell me they didn't want to associate with me, rather than try to "appease" me out of some symthpatic feel good about yourself hand me down!:mad:

Hope this helps.:)

Serval87
06-22-2011, 12:13 PM
I've had a similar situation, except that I was the "annoying friend", and I would have much preferred the person I wanted to be friends with to come out and tell me how they honestly felt, instead of either a.) ignoring me, and hoping I would go away, or b.) Lying to me, and pretending to like me when they really didn't. Like joyfulloser said, don't be mean, but be upfront and be honest. You'll be helping her out in the long-run too, because I know from experience that it sucks putting so much effort into making a relationship when the other person wants nothing to do with it.

fitness4life
06-22-2011, 12:31 PM
As I expected, the suggestions are everything I have considered and don't know which way to go.

My personality has always been to tell it like it is. In fact, I believe this part of my personality is appreciated only by a few and not by most. Perhaps it's my direct approach, but when I try to be subtle, it allows the other person to search for more clarity and in the end, I end up telling it just like it is whether it hurts or not!

I never considered the stalker possibility, but I suppose one never knows so I'll keep that in mind.

I think I'll text her this: I realize you work nights, but I work at 5:30 in the morning so I didn't read your texts until today. I know you're seeking a friendship and while I'm flattered that you seek me out for that, I'm sorry to say that my life is crazy with it's own full plate of issues and that I would not be able to be the supportive friend you seek. That doesn't mean we can't be friendLY, though. I wish you well and I'll see you around town.

What do you think? I'm not sending it without some input so I appreciate your honest thoughts. :)

Emme
06-22-2011, 12:33 PM
I think I'll text her this: I realize you work nights, but I work at 5:30 in the morning so I didn't read your texts until today. I know you're seeking a friendship and while I'm flattered that you seek me out for that, I'm sorry to say that my life is crazy with it's own full plate of issues and that I would not be able to be the supportive friend you seek. That doesn't mean we can't be friendLY, though. I wish you well and I'll see you around town.



I like that!

breannabelle
06-22-2011, 12:37 PM
Sounds like that should cover it without hurting her feelings :)
Best of both worlds!

tinkerbelll
06-22-2011, 12:46 PM
I'm going through something similar so I know hot it feels.


I agree with what apostrophe and joyfullloser said.

& I think what you wrote out that your going to text her is perfect.

Good Luck!

p.s sorry for the small font I cant figure it out how to make it bigger

fitness4life
06-22-2011, 12:58 PM
Thx, guys.

"Sent".

98DaysOfSummer
06-22-2011, 01:16 PM
I don't think there's any way to say, "I don't want to be your friend," without hurting the other person. Rejection is never fun and really, all they are going to hear is, "I don't like you." And that's fine, it's your right not to want to pour all your emotional energy down a black pit of need. Prepare yourself for the aftermath, I'm guessing someone who texts you six times at midnight isn't going to take this without something to say. I think it's a good time to start preparing your, "I'm sorry you feel this way, my life is just very busy right now but I wish you the best" text and save it for repeated sendings.

joyfulloser
06-22-2011, 02:05 PM
I know I'm "Johnny come lately" here...but I just wanted to say I LOVE the way you put your words. GREAT JOB!:D

alaskanlaughter
06-22-2011, 02:17 PM
*sigh* i can relate to the stalker-like attempts at friendship

DH and i ended a friendship with a woman whose behavior became increasingly bizarre....she was furious that we no longer wanted to be part of that friendship and called me non-stop for 45 MINUTES(!) leaving all sorts of angry voicemails...she then spent several days calling us and texting us, as well as sending us angry, swearing, long rambling messages through facebook...she spread alot of rumors around to mutual friends about us (luckily no one actually fell for those rumors and told her they didnt' believe her)....her behavior ranged from swearing facebook messages to calls to voicemail trying to apologize, then back to swearing at us and threatening to sue us (not that there was any reason to sue us lol)

that happened from last november through last january....she was blocked from DH's facebook and repeatedly told to drop contact with us...she still sends me facebook friend requests, which i just ignore, and also tried to friend my teenager the day after he got a facebook account (how did she know he did that?) .....she also logged onto facebook under other mutual friends' accounts to view our pages and other people's pages who had also broken off contact with her...because she kept a keystroke logger program on her home computer and had let various mutual friends log onto facebook at her home, then saved their passwords...she actually ADMITTED this to a mutual friend....weird(!)

when i went to walmart the other day, she was in the parking lot getting ready to leave...i ignored her and went shopping...she stayed in the parking lot and didn't leave until i got in my truck and left..she left before i did, just long enough to watch me get in my truck...creeeeepy

and yes, this is all documented....so the point is...BE CAREFUL with people like that and document everything...you never know if you'll need to use it

MiZTaCCen
06-22-2011, 02:18 PM
I know I'm "Johnny come lately" here...but I just wanted to say I LOVE the way you put your words. GREAT JOB!:D

I agree I love what you wrote to her! Hopefully it works out for the best and she doesn't become nasty about being rejected. :hug:

djs06
06-22-2011, 03:04 PM
Ah, this strikes a chord with me. I am always the person who ends up talking to the awkward person no one else wants to talk to, or the person with all the baggage that I really don't want to take on. A part of me used to feel grateful that anyone would even want to talk to me, I've never had many friends and I've been a loner- but as I got older I realized that I would rather have NO friends than those kinds of friends! And believe me, I've had many klingon friendships in my lifetime, and they all ended someone dramatically because of my unwillingness to say no or draw boundaries or do whatever it is you're supposed to do.

So, I think you dodged a bullet here, and you were very tactful in how you handled it!

fitness4life
06-22-2011, 07:18 PM
I dodged a bullet and I already know how to dodge aftermath. Especially after her response.
While I was on a 30 min drive she textd. I didn't see it till I stopped. 1st one said, " does that mean you don't want me to text you any more?"

fitness4life
06-22-2011, 07:22 PM
2nd one 5 min later said. " idk what I did to deserve this but whatever."
So I think she lacks the capacity that peeps r not @ her beck and call. Also she was pissed. But with dealing with my ex I know ...I'll never respnd to her again. I have to respond to my ex. I never have to talk to her again. Sad. But she made it her truth.

alaskanlaughter
06-22-2011, 07:26 PM
i definitely agree with the "no contact" response....that's what we used with our former friend's bizarre behavior and, while it wasn't perfect, it kept us from becoming wrapped up in drama that we didn't want...hope this person doesn't get creepy or stalker-y on you :)

Lovely
06-22-2011, 07:41 PM
There's not really any way to say "I don't want to be friends" without at least causing some hurt feelings, but there are certainly ways to mitigate it... and keep it like a band-aid. Short. Stings. Gone after a time.

And I think you handled it well. Like a band-aid.

It sounds like she took it however she took it, and there's no more explaining you're required to do whatsoever.

Kaonashi
06-22-2011, 08:41 PM
Honestly, I think she would probably be upset with any reply that wasn't "Yes, I'll be your friend and be there for you" so I wouldn't worry about it. You were very polite and to the point.

edit: How old is this woman? Who texts someone late at night asking "Hey, wanna be my friend" after a 2 year hiatus? You dodged a bullet.

fitness4life
06-23-2011, 10:15 AM
This woman is 41 years old. So now I guess since she knows I work early in the morning, she texted me twice at 6:22 am today. 1st 1 says "I don't care that you don't want to be my friend because I only want good true friends in my life anyways and I'm glad I found out now. It hurts but God is putting only the good people in my life. Seeya around."

I feel like she got the point that I was being good to her to tell her the truth up front. I'm not going to tell anyone who knows her about this. I'm not going to contact her. I'm just going to let it all go and hopefully she'll let it go, too.

But really, 13 texts in 2 days? My ADHD son does that. Not a 41 year old woman.

Hopefully I did dodge the bullet and I'm not still in the line of fire.

Eeek.

MiZTaCCen
06-23-2011, 10:46 AM
She seriously texted you that at 6:22 in the morning. Damn clingers...It's not like you back stabbed her or anything all you said was you didn't want to be her friend. She keeps texting to get a response because she doesn't like to be ignored. *Shakes my head* lady needs to get over it. lol.

Lovely
06-23-2011, 01:38 PM
"I don't care that you don't want to be my friend because I only want good true friends in my life anyways and I'm glad I found out now. It hurts but God is putting only the good people in my life. Seeya around."

Eeek.

Eeek, indeed! How embarrassing for her! Texting something that clearly was meant for her diary. Won't she be red when she realizes she's accidentally sent it out! ;)

Whatever you do, you are right about this: Do NOT engage the crazy!

4myloves
06-23-2011, 06:16 PM
Give her your boss's cell phone #. Tell her that you think your boss may be having troubles of her own and she could probably use a friendly ear. :devil:

MIMI 193
06-23-2011, 06:22 PM
Give her your boss's cell phone #. Tell her that you think your boss may be having troubles of her own and she could probably use a friendly ear. :devil:


lmao fab idea !

fitness4life
06-23-2011, 10:20 PM
Give her your boss's cell phone #. Tell her that you think your boss may be having troubles of her own and she could probably use a friendly ear. :devil:

SLMFAOSH! Ok , Add "serious" at the beginning and "So Hard" at the end.

krampus
06-23-2011, 11:17 PM
No room for crazy people in your life. Glad you took care of her, she sounds like a hemorrhoid.

Serval87
06-26-2011, 02:33 PM
she sounds like a hemorrhoid.

:lol:

jules1216
06-26-2011, 09:32 PM
did something stupid cause I was feeling hurt and ruined a friendship...put out an olive branch but was not forgiven...it is hard to move on...I miss her but I refuse to stalk her...or be one of those crazy people who keep trying when I am told I am not wanted..:(

I say change your number...

Scarlett
06-26-2011, 10:13 PM
I've been the "crazy friend" before. I transfered to a new college for the second semester of my sophmore year. I was a bit more high strung back then (I've since calmed down). I was desperate and determined to make friends and ended up pushing alot of people away. I now know you can't will people to like you. I really cringe when I think of some of the things I did.

I've since learned that when it comes to relationships you can't force things. Also it's better to spend an evening alone than with people who are going to bring you down. My relationships, thankfully, have gotten alot better.

fitness4life
06-27-2011, 01:05 AM
She has not contacted me since the 6 am text but I saw her on the water today twice.

Where I live, weekends on the water can be very social. When you're driving thru the river/channel, whether you know the peeps or not, it is common courtesy to wave at the boats passing by. I know all my friends' boats. Kim doesn't have a boat..so I waved at a boat she was on but didn't know it until my friend, whose boat I was on, said, "That's weird! Kim didn't wave back!". Little did she know.

Then we saw that boat again, and my friend waved again. I did not, but I smiled. Kim's expression was equal to if we had flipped her the bird.

Eeek! (again)

She hasn't contacted me again. I'm glad (SO glad) to see she has found others to be social with. But WTH?

I am not that special. Lol. That someone should be so upset that I pushed their friendship into the "at arms length" catagory, instead of the bff catagory.

sheesh!

Lovely
06-27-2011, 03:39 AM
Eh. Being rejected... it's hard not to take personally.

True, she could be mature and polite and wave or smile nicely back. She chooses to be cold and distant and that's how she deals.

That's her right, and I think you are perfectly sociable and nice to wave and try to keep it civil. If she chooses to ignore it, ah well! At least she's not cussing you out or sending texts at midnight anymore! :D

astrophe
06-27-2011, 01:16 PM
Hopefully it will blow over.

GL!
A.

theCandEs
06-27-2011, 02:47 PM
Personality Disorder! Red flag! Her last text was to try to "punish" you for not wanting to be her friend. Most people never realize they're being crazy. Scarlett, I'm so glad you did. I had my crazy days, too, and I've overcome them, but some people do not. Best to keep with the no contact. It's not your fault that she's crazy.

JOLINA
06-27-2011, 02:50 PM
I had a new neighbor move in 5 years ago. She started telling me about a "good friend" of hers who sold her home and moved out of state...without ever telling her about it or leaving her new address and phone number. Her friend cut her off completely.

She was shocked and hurt and now hated that friend.
I figured my new neighbor must be somewhat of a problem, that's why her friend moved out on the sly.
Sure enough, I was right on.

A few weeks later I had to suddenly go out of state for 6 weeks to take care of my mother before she passed away.
I left in a rush without telling any of the nearest neighbors.

When I returned she came over in a huff and was really mad I left without telling her anything. I told her it was an emergency and had to take care of my mother until she passed away. I told her my mother was a dear sweet woman and this was a very difficult time for me. And that I had to plan the funeral and handle the estate.

She wasn't happy with that response at all. This coming from a person I talked to for 5 minutes out of every month. And for only a few months at that.

She offered no apology or condolences to my mothers passing.
She then proceeded to tell me I had no friends in the neighborhood and nobody liked me. Really a dumb statement coming from a 45 year old with 2 teenage kids.
What an awful and strange way for a person to act after a funeral. I had her pegged right. She was a major problem.

I told her I had friends on every block in the subdivision. And that I had gone to grade school, high school and college with a lot of people in my little city. And I had plenty of friends she knew nothing about. That they kept me so very busy with outings and parties all year long that I could not possible add one more person to my list of friends. (Meaning her.)

She turned around and went home really angry. She never talked to me since, and it is best that way. Who needs a problem person in their life? She even told her kids not to talk to me. What a way to raise your kids.

And all her angry words were because I had to leave to take care of my mother with one days notice, and then plan her funeral?

I'm supposed to guess that a new neighbor has a deep seated need for attention and has a crazy problem with abandonment, regardless of the fact that someone is dying? This neighbor had talked to me just a few times, and for just a few minutes on each occassion.

It is best to stay away from these fruitcakes. I am not going to walk on eggshells around an abusive person, or make apologies to a bully. She will be a problem for anyone.

Now I notice the other neighbors don't speak to her anymore. So she has probably alienated more neighbors with her poor behavior.

Be sure and keep fruitcakes and abusive people out of your life. Life is hard enough without adding more problems to it.

:?:

Scarlett
06-27-2011, 05:00 PM
thanks, theCandEs. Though I wouldn't say I was as bad as some of the people described in this thread. I still get social anxiety at times where I need to step outside, take a few deep breaths and calm down before I go back inside. If I don't, I'll end up putting my foot in my mouth. I feel like my "margin for error" when it comes to relationships is slimmer than most, but I've accepted it. I have a much easier time relaxing and letting things happen now.