I didn't want to hijack the other thread so I started a new one.
My bf, who gained at least 25 lbs since we started dating, tells me all the time, "I'm fat.", to which I respond, either, "no you're not" or " I love you in any size", etc.
After reading comments on the other thread, I see how acknowledging that fact is different than trying to make someone feel better.
So...what do you want your significant other to say to you in response to your acknowledgement of "I'm fat"? My bf says he's working on it, but he really isn't. He's working on letting it bother him, but he hasn't committed to getting back to where he was. I don't want to take the role of fitness coach. I'm his girlfriend and I only want the role of loving him.
When I say "I'm fat" or anything at all about how unhappy I am with my weight (& it certainly isn't coming off as fast as I would like!) - I appreciate that my husband simplifies my whine without necessarily going there. "I love YOU, no matter what! - you're beautiful!" etc. He never comments on my weight one way or the other. Damn that's a smart man right there!
My husband is a chunky boy - he didn't use to be! - he used to be quite fit - he was in the army when I met him, and all that running & soldiering-type stuff kept him at a good healthy weight. But thru the years... (18th anniversary coming up this weekend!!!) he has gotten lazier & less caring about his body. While I love him at any rate, I have been concerned about him health wise (heart problems run in his family) and we've spoken about his "diet" or rather, lack thereof...and he recently turned 40, which is a "pressure age" for most people. He never thought about or mentioned his weight gain in the past few years, but recently, he's said that he "caught a glimpse of himself naked in the mirror & had a HOLY-COW! moment" about it.
He has agreed that he wants to be healthier, and he has taken some small steps toward that goal. But he remains "Buddah-Bellied" (as he calls it). And that is the worst kind of fat (visceral) that a person can endure, health-wise. So, with all the dieting knowledge I've gained in the past 22 years of weight loss, I'm trying to help him with his eating habits & exercise. First I asked him if he WANTED my help. He said yes. Then, I ASKED HIM WHAT COULD I DO/SAY TO HELP HIM. His response?
"Remind me to "shut my pie hole" when I'm reaching for 2nd helpings, and poke me like the Pillsbury dough boy when I am being lazy on the couch."
So that's what I do. Except I don't do it quite as bluntly as that! I say "Honey, are you really hungry enough for a 2nd helping? Why not give it 10 or 15 minutes to see if you're still hungry." or I'll say "Do you feel like going for a bike ride/walk with me?" Same thing, different words. The point is, I think it's important to ASK SOMEONE what kind of response they want you to give them. And then act accordingly.
Men do this? I thought this was a woman thing. I think if my boyfriend was declaring to me that he is fat, I would kindly find a way to say that I loved him, that I find him attractive, but that if he is unhappy with the way he looks or feels and is concerned about his health, then he should do something about it, perhaps offer to make healthy lunches for him, ask him if he wants to come out on my runs, grocery shop together, etc. Now, if he declared this to me on an ongoing basis, I would just get annoyed.
Yeah, that’s a tough one and you have to tread lightly depending on the person who is making the statement "I'm fat" --- or implying the question, “Don’t you agree that I’m fat?”. My response always was, “Yup, me too babe!”. But now since I have lost weight (I’m still overweight but not as bad) I will say, “I know how hard it is to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. I’m sorry you are feeling bad.”. I’ll just leave it at that. If they want advice as to how I lost weight, they will ask. Otherwise, I let it go. I learned not to push my “health kick” onto them. I refuse to be a one of those preachers, know what I mean?
My spouse says he's "gotten fat" every now and then. I always tell him "why don't you go to the gym then, that's why we're paying for it?" And he always says "nah" But the guy can eat a lot, maybe gain a few lbs over the weekend, but by Weds, he's back to his original weight that's he's been at for years. Drives me crazy. Looking at junk food makes me gain!
I'm always honest though. So it is a tricky subject. When I complain about my fat days, I have to trigger myself and say "you've come a long way, stop it!" Easier said than done.
I don't say "I'm fat" for no reason any more than I would say "I'm short" or "I wear glasses." There's no reason to say something that's either manifestly self-evident or untrue, so neither fat people nor slim people should really have a reason to go around saying "I'm fat."
I think you're really smart for saying that you don't want the role of fitness coach in his life. It's great to be supportive of your loved ones, but support isn't the same as actively pushing, pulling, or taking control.
I liked someone's suggestion in the other thread as a response to unending streams of "I'm fat"--respond with, "what do you really mean when you say that?" Find out if he's looking to you for reassurance, motivation, just to feel better about himself, or what have you.
My husband complains about having a belly by grabbing it and proclaiming himself fat. I brought him up short the other night by saying, "I currently weigh eight pounds more than you and I am nine inches shorter; when you call yourself fat as a derogatory term, you're smacking me harder than you're beating yourself up."
If you have little to lose or if your BF has more to lose than my husband, you may not have recourse to that response, but it definitely made my husband think about what he was saying and why.
Men are equally sensitive about their physical appearance as women are but they are less verbal about it I think. My boyfriend rarely says it (maybe 2x) but when he does, I definitely reach out to him and try to be supportive because he has been nothing supportive of me since I started losing weight. I think he's just self-conscious that I've made all this progress and he seems to stall. I tell him a few times a week how "hot" he looks in his work clothes though because I love a man in a suit! He gives me a weird look every time.
I think when I get insecure about my progress and verbalize it, it affects the people around me too so I try to not be to critical about myself.
Nola - I like the response of "what do you really mean when you say that?" but I already think I know the answer - he's getting bothered by his weight gain, but he's not ready to effectively tackle losing the fat.
And yes, Aimee, I am starting to get annoyed with him commenting on it and have told him so.
Tricky thing is, we both work at the same gym as fitness trainers, so when our lives revolve around fitness 24-7, it's hard for me to be "speech ****" and dictate what about fitness we can or can't talk about.
I just keep trying to focus on the positive and comment how strong he is to try to motivate him to stop focusing on how fat he is. What I'd really like to do is help him stop focusing on eating so much food but I don't want to be diet coach, either.
Well, the answer varies depending on who is saying it.
For my husband, if he is complaining about body issues, I say "So do something about it, rather than complain". But that is not something I would do with other people. I think with a spouse there's a level of intimacy that allows you to put social formalities and niceties aside. A stranger, or a friend I would probably try and deflect, or commiserate, depending on comfort/humour level.
My husband has started to say it and I respond with "I love you no matter what hun but if you want to lose some weight I'm willing to work out with you. My only concern is your health and happiness." It's a bit of a balance IMO.
The then-13-year-old daughter of a good friend said once said this to me while pinching maybe about 1/8th of an inch of skin on her belly area. Forget the fact that, at the time, I was around 190 pounds. She's a sweetie, so I know she wasn't making passive-aggressive comments about me, she was being a typical, insecure teenage girl in the throes of hormones and in the grip of the media.
It broke my heart. I honestly don't remember what I said to her, but I remember feeling so sad and discouraged - not about me, but about her. I would have loved to have had something magical to say, but adolescence is just such a tough time anyway.
That family lives in another state so I haven't seen her recently; I hope that she develops a better body image as she grows.
It sounds like he has issues of his own. Why would someone that loves you also insult you? It might be time for some counseling and if that doesn't work I think it might be time to move on.
It's one thing with a significant other, but I think with friends or other family, it's a whole different issue.
I think a lot of them will say it, but are in total denial about wanting to do anything about it, and the last thing they want is advice. So, it's tough to know how to respond.
I have the problem with my Mother. She is fat, and she whines about it, but no way is she going to do anything about it. She has an excuse for everything suggested, so we change the subject and move on. It's pointless to discuss it.
It sounds like he has issues of his own. Why would someone that loves you also insult you? It might be time for some counseling and if that doesn't work I think it might be time to move on.
I'm unsure of who you are responding to, fitJeff. If it's me, please re read the posts. My bf is in NO way insulting. Trust me. I left my emotionally abusive husband. As far as I know, no one here wrote anything that merited a red flag.
What to say when someone says "I'm fat."
