There was another thread that made me really upset but I didn't want to hijack...
My daughter is 11 years old and weighs 185 pounds. We have struggled with her for the last 5 years. That struggle has gotten us nowhere and when i read another poster's feelings about her mother trying to keep her from overeating when she was a child. I sincerely hope that I don't offend anyone since this will likely be a sore subject but the thought of my contributing to an eating disorder in my child is enough for me to brave that.
I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life. I am overweight now. I try not to lecture or make too many comments, and I have never said anything mean to her about her weight. I have talked to her about the fact that the older you get the harder it is to lose, and about making healthier choices. I have tried putting limits on her snacking.
Here's the thing....after reading that thread, I feel like a bad mother for everything I have said and done to try to keep her from overeating. But when I think about what would happen if I didn't try, I feel like I'd be a bad mother if I didn't do anything and her obesity got worse. I am responsible for her well being, how can I do NOTHING?
An example-
She likes to spend the summer with her grandmother, who places NO limits on her eating-which is a large part of why she wants to go. Every summer she comes back having gained 20-30 pounds and I spend the rest of the year fighting it off. She loses some, but then it adds up over time and here we are. I have spoken with grandma about not letting her gain so much weight, and spoken to my daughter about it. I have told her that if it continues to happen I won't be able to let her go, it's just has too big a negative effect on her health.
I have tried allowing her to eat whatever she chooses for meals and limiting her to just one snack a day, and then I find food wrappers under her mattress. I have tried just giving her smaller portions for meals and she sneaks her brothers' food. I hate to even bring up the subject of food because I know it makes her upset. I have tried just keeping less junk in the house-there are 3 other people here without weight problems so we both have had to deal with the temptations-but she just uses the "it's healthy" excuse to eat ridiculously large volumes of it.
What is the best way to handle this? I can't just ignore it. If she had free reign I have no doubt that she will be over 200 pounds by the time she is 12. It's not like I don't understand how difficult it is or I'd ever be intentionally mean. I've always felt like we could identify with each other but those comments about how horrible it was for that mother to have put her daughter through that made me cringe. My kids are my world and I'm horrified that I might be doing more damage than good.
What on earth can I say or do to help her if telling her not to overeat or attempting to control it is bad? One way I'm allowing her to kill herself with food, the other I'm driving her to lie about and hide food, or end up bulimic or something. Please tell me there is a way out of this that doesn't damage her futher!!!
This is so tough. Especially because she is so young and shouldn't even have to worry about having a health crisis already.
Also, my mom has been on various diets my entire life, and I rejected all of them until I was grown up and on my own and could buy my own food and find my own way of eating.
However, I think it's not too late to take control of your family and the type of setting she is in at home. I grew up in a house where there was always candy and cookies in the pantry and ice cream in the freezer. Dessert was a process every night where after dinner (of usually pizza or grilled cheese) we sat around and ate dessert all together. GREAT for family development... NOT SO GREAT for my risk of diabetes.
As an adult who wishes I grew up learning to respect sugar as a treat/privilege and not a daily staple, maybe it's time to sit the family down and make a plan for healthy dinners and only eating treats on birthdays and holidays?? This plan should also include Grandma.
Like you said, your kids are your world. I feel for you and wish you the best in this endeavor. I hope some mama chicks out there have some great advice for you.
I think the whole family needs to be involved in this, I'd just stop buying the treats and snacks that are not healthy or even unhealthy in bulk. She may feel she's being singled out and therefore the stress causes her to eat more. The whole family just needs to eat healthier and not have the snacks for a while that are processed, it won't hurt them and then you can say the whole family is going to be healthier, that way she won't feel that she's singled out.
Also could she not have enough to do? A healthy hobby could change that, like a particular sport or dance class or SOMETHING that keeps her out of the house a bit longer. Don't mention weight but ask if she'd like to join a sport or class so she can do something fun after school. I know as a kid my parents involved me in NOTHING so when I got home I watched TV and ate all day until bedtime!
I wouldn't limit her portions too much either, she's still a growing girl. How tall is she? Have you spoken to her doctor as well? I've seen 11 year old kid range from 90 lbs to 140 lbs depending on their height.
Also could you do more physical things with her like bike riding a few times a week? Don't even mention it as exercise but just as a family outing.
Good luck! I know it's super difficult to deal with.
Also have you considered the possibility she may have PCOS? Does she have more hair than normal for a girl? My friends daughter was around your daughters age and she told me her daughter was so hairy she took her to get her arms and legs waxed because it was so muhc (and the daughter was also upset about it). It was obvious also the poor girl was addicted to carbs so they had to change a lot of things around dietwise for the family because of it. She lost the weight over time but her mom was careful to gradually change the eating habits of the whole family, not just their daughter.
I don't know that I have any useful advice. I'm sorry. You're in a really tough spot. Mom's always are.
I think limiting the junk is probably a good thing, and the people who don't struggle can just deal.
It seems like grandma isn't a healthy influence. I know I'd have trouble saying no more grandma, but maybe have her there less.
Does she understand that her weight isn't healthy? Could you have a doctor explain it to her? Would that influence her?
Ultimately, the decision to eat better is going to need to come from her. You can help teach her strategies, and provide the healthy fuel she needs, but you're right, it's hard to do anything without making her mad/secretive, etc. especially since this pattern is already established. What does she like, besides food? Can you make certain activities incentives for her, so she feels like she's getting something for being healthier, instead of just being deprived?
I worry a lot about my son. He's 8, and not overweight at all, but he has bad eating habits. I worry that it will creep up on him later on in life. He likes to snack while watching TV, and if allowed to he can go through some junk food. I'm trying to reel him in a bit. Since he's not overweight, I don't mind if he eats as much as he wants of healthy snacks, but I'm trying really hard to limit his sweets and salty snacks, but it's a battle I'm fighting on my own. My husband doesn't have a weight problem and, while happy to eat a healthy meal if I put it in front of him and hand him a fork, would happily survive on junk if left to his own devices.
I don't have any advice, but just in case you were referring to me as the person who complained that her mother's comments caused her to develop an eating disorder (not sure, it could have been someone else)...i wanted to note that i was not overweight at the time she made those comments. I was gaining weight just like any teenager going through puberty normally would, but i was not overweight. Just wanted to say that...because if a child IS overweight, i DO feel like the mother SHOULD say stuff/do whatever you can.
I'd limit portions of the main part of the meal, but allow unlimited veggies - if she wants seconds - help herself to salad and veggies ...
I know the other thread you refer to because I was following it, but the line in there that caught me was about "my mom wanted me to eat healthy and I resented that" or something along those lines ... that's when I figured there was no winning with that situation - if someone's resenting healthy, then there are deeper issues than having unhealthy food limited.
I think it's your right and responsibility to choose and fix and serve meals that you think are appropriate for your family. No other youth generation other than the last one had this much say in their nutrition growing up - and I think that's a MAJOR factor in the childhood obesity problem, along with the limited activity.
Good luck - at a point it is about HEALTH and not just size/looks/ability. When children's organs are surrounded by fat, it's not healthy and helping her to combat that is key. Great ideas on increasing activity as a family so she's not feeling singled out, too. You're right - you can't do NOTHING. You have the right idea.
I was going to suggest a lot of the same things as beerab. Having something to keep her mind occupied would be a tremendous help. Also, being involved in something can do wonders for a person's self esteem. It really makes them feel as though they are a part of something instead of alone. It doesn't have to be sports or physical activity related if she's not into that. Check with your local library. Often they run 100% free clubs of all different kinds. Ours offers a pokemon club on Saturdays for all ages and my daughter loves going there. For summers, maybe you could offer to send her to a camp of some sort instead of to her grandma's. There are camps that focus on all kinds of things from literature to music to horseback riding to just about anything she might enjoy. It would be a break in her normal routine and give her something to focus on.
A lot of people don't like hearing this but you might want to consider a therapist if her behavior has become secretive, i.e. hiding the food. That could be a sign of a deeper issue. It might be necessary to discover the root of the problem before you can fix it.
Good luck to you.
Speaking as someone now obese who was raised by parents with very poor eating habits, I urge you to do something about this. At the same time, I completely understand your fears about giving your daughter issues with food.
Does your daughter enjoy fruits and vegetables? Is her diet varied or is she rigid in what she will and won't eat? If it were me, I would try introducing vegetables and fruits as 'treats'. Try new fruits and vegetables every week, and make a point of asking her opinion on them and trying them together as a family - this gives you a great opportunity to bond and talk about food in a positive way.
Something else that might be worth trying, since you're dieting yourself. Have you considered telling her that you need her help? You know, 'I'm trying to eat healthily, but I'm having a bit of trouble by myself. Will you help me?' That way the focus is on healthy eating, not weight loss, and she feels singled out because she's special and important and not because she's done something bad. You can cook your healthy food for both of you (with age-appropriate adjustments of course).
I disagree with the comment above in that I think portion control IS important. She's a child and needs to eat child sized portions! I wish my parents hadn't given me adult portions when I was a kid. It warped my perception of what was normal to eat and the portion sizes just crept up as I got older.
I'm afraid I can't offer much advice on the situation with her grandmother. Surely she can be persuaded to get involved in the health kick? I think a gentle word is in order. Clearly she is trying to be loving by letting your daughter eat whatever she wants but she needs to understand that in the longterm being loving is making sure she doesn't grow up with the health problems many of us on this site suffer due to our weights.
A lot of people don't like hearing this but you might want to consider a therapist if her behavior has become secretive, i.e. hiding the food. That could be a sign of a deeper issue. It might be necessary to discover the root of the problem before you can fix it.
Yes, the fact that she is hiding food is a red flag to me. And girls that age are very resourceful when they need to be. At her age, it's going to be a balancing act because you don't want her to love food too much but you don't want her to be afraid of it either. Then you'll be posting on an anorexic or bulima board in a few years asking for advice. I see no difference between emotional eating and emotional cutting. The reasons why it's done is the same and what they get from it is the same. So ask yourself -- if she was cutting her legs or arms with a razor, would you take away all the sharp objects in the house or get her to a professional?
I know that comparison is scary but like I said, in my opinion, it's the same concept.
I think you are a wonderful mother to care so much! Many hugs to you and your daughter. XXXX
I agree with the hobby idea. When I was about the same age I was rapidly gaining weight. And when I started going to dance classes, badminton, swimming, guides, etc I lost alot. Do any of her friends go to classes like that? She could tag along, or they could start together.
You could start preparing meals as a family? One of the things I've noticed about my food is colour...Junk food is all the same colour I think..beige/brown... You could have fun trying to think of as many colours for your meals as you can.
Also with regards tlo the hiding food thing I think you need to just have a quiet word with her. Ask her why she feels she needs to eat more? And is she hungry? You could buy her a book and ask her to write in it everytime she gets the urge to eat what she doesn't need.
I was brought up with poor eating habits. Food was always seen as a reward. And it shouldn't have been. If thats the case at home you could find some other rewards?
I think she probably doesn't know all the facts. Talk to her about nutritional info on packets. Explain about what shes putting into her body. I wish someone had done that for me because its not until recently that I've started understanding about calories, etc..
My mom went on a diet when I was a sophomore in high school. She checked out some health cookbooks at the local library and her and I would cook together. Then, we could go walking for 45 minutes every night at the local fairgrounds. It was nice because I was the only one of the three girls that got to spend that time with her. Plus, I was in AMAZING shape by the end of the summer. Maybe just invite her to go with you when YOU work out. Not as though it's for her good, but you just really need company.
Btw, I had friends over Friday night and cooked one of those cookbook meals for them. It turned out being my favorite meal of all time!
Last edited by Amberelise; 04-22-2011 at 05:43 PM.
I really sympathise with your situation. Maybe you could ask her why she feels the need to overeat or eat in secret etc? If she is eating alone, maybe she is feeling left out at school or something and so feeling lonely? Either way as a result, eating alone (I'm not sure if you'd consider any of her behavior binging) can be a really isolating way to live.
Perhaps just asking her some simplified questions like "Why do you eat alone" would help her to question her own behavior. I don't have much experience with kids, I'm just reflecting on what I would have found helpful to have a kid. There really isn't anything healthy about secretive eating, and it's nearly always the result of some kind of negative feeling.
Perhaps get her involved in some cooking too, to help appreciate the process of prepping and cooking a meal and then enjoying it (Instead of mindless snacking). I think lots of healthy home cooking and eating together definitely promotes a good healthy attitude to food.
Maybe find out if there are any hobbies she'd like to do? When I was younger I started inline skating, I loved to do it and it made me feel empowered. I think that's a really positive thing for young kids to feel, and since she is struggling with weight it might help to pick her confidence up.
Really there could be a lot of reasons why she is overeating, since you say everyone else in the household is normal weight, maybe she feels like the odd 1 out for being larger, if she goes to her grandmas on her own maybe she likes it because she doesn't feel like the odd one out there?
I can appreciate this is a very hot topic, and you not wanting to give her a complex about food, but i do think situations like this continue if left unchecked. I think it's great you're being pro active about her health, a lot of children are just left to continue bad food habits because its so normal now.
I don't have kids, but I sure feel for you and for your daughter. It's rough to deal with a weight problem at that age, and it's as tough on parents as it is on the kid herself--if not tougher.
I draw a BIG distinction between sneaking food because it's "off-limits" and sneaking food as an emotional-eating or binging behavior. I was a skinny kid who puffed up into pudginess at around ten or eleven years old, and I sneaked food. It wasn't because I was emotionally distressed, it was because I'd been told that I couldn't have any more XYZ that day, but decided that I wanted some XYZ and I was just going to take some. I didn't hide wrappers because of shame, I hid them because I didn't want to get in trouble for countermanding my mom's directives.
So before you assume that hiding food is a sign of deep emotional distress, find out why she's hiding the behavior. Is it shame at not being able to control her hunger for junky foods? Is it to cover her butt so you won't get mad at seeing a depleted bag of Chee-tos? Is it to keep them away from a sibling who eats her stuff? It CAN be a sign of emotional upset, but it can also be a sign of "Mom told me not to, so I'd better hide the evidence."
I love the suggestion you got to ask for her help in your own weight loss. It's something that you and she can share in a positive way. My mom was always slim, but my dad's always had some weight issues (guess who I took after? ). I remember commiserating with him about whatever crackpot thing we were trying in the early eighties--Cambridge diet, cabbage soup diet, all that stuff--and although the diets themselves were pretty wretched, it was kind of cool that at least I had good company. In fact, he and I just talked earlier tonight about how awful the Cambridge diet was. (And it was!)
It also seems like a good plan to put the whole family on healthier food. Portions of even the healthiest foods still matter, but there's less incentive to do major dietary damage with food that isn't as full of the triple whammy of fat/carbs/sugar as conventional junk food. How many of us remember eating chips, then wanting something as "dessert" to balance it out, then needing another bite of the salty stuff to counteract the sweet, then...well, you get the picture. A lot of people find it easier to eat a single serving of air-popped popcorn than of potato chips.
Activity would be great for your whole household. I see you live here in the glorious state of Louisiana too, which means it's probably too freakin' HOT to want to walk outside much, but are there pools nearby that you could visit? Kids love pools. Or pick somewhere fairly shady or where you can stop often to rest--in the Quarter if you're near N.O., for example, so you can dodge into a cool shop when you want. Bring along a frisbee or a football for a picnic in the park. All that stuff counts as exercise.
I commend you for wanting to help your daughter while she's young, but without instilling negative views on food and eating in her mind. At eleven, she's also forming a lot of her own opinions, so if you can counteract them at home, you'll be giving her a lifelong gift. More power to you both!
You're writing as if you have two choices - take absolute control over absolutely every morsel she eats, or ignore the subject entirely.
That's sadly how many of us were taught to diet for ourselves. Alternating absolute, rigid control of every morsel, or free-for-all, anything goes binging.
That's how my parents tended to deal with my weight problems - absolute control, or no control whatsoever. The "no control" periods were brief, but offered me ample opportunity to undo all the progress I made during the absolute control phase.
It's a pattern I learned to follow with myself, even after I moved out. I'd have rigid self-control Monday - Friday, and then on the weekends I'd undo my progress during the week. Or I'd have rigid self-control during three weeks of the month, and then would undo all the progress during my TOM.
My parents taught me to diet the way they'd seen it most often done (the way it's still usually done - unsuccessfully).
Strict control doesn't work. Ignoring the problem doesn't either. However, there are a lot of in-between and alternative choices. And the "moderate" way is the difficult way because it's the road less traveled. Teaching your daughter to distinguish between popular and successful, is going to be the hardest and most valuable lesson.
Parts of my childhood were a living ****, because of my parents attempts to control my eating and my weight. I forgive their mistakes, because they did the best they could, and much of the rotten advice they were given was from my pediatrician (also well-intended, but wrong).
No one today would put a child through dozens of crash diets from the age of kindergarten on up, or let a teacher bully or ridicule a child or let the same teacher encourage classmates to bully and ridicule a child "to motivate" her to lose weight. No one would put a 13 year old on amphetemine diet pills and encourage 500 calorie or less per day dieting.
That was 30 - 40 years ago, and much of what we know about health and weight loss has changes.
I think my parents main mistake was in not allowing me more input and control, especially at the youngest ages. I'm not talking "free reign" I'm just saying more choices, more control, and more input. My parents tended to alternate between "absolute control" and "no control."
The best thing my parents did, was the control and input they did allow me.
At 8 years old, I joined WW with my mother, and many times throughout my life, but I followed my mother's pattern (at first because I had to). Mom hated WW. She was ashamed to go to meetings and she didn't feel she deserved to spend the money on herself (which by osmosis, I learned - that fat people and therefore I didn't deserve anything special in my life including nice clothes, tasty food, or spending money on myself).
After a month or two, she'd always quit, because "we can do it on our own." Only we never did.
I loved WW meetings. The weekly support was really motivating, but until I was in my teens, I couldn't go to meetings on my own, so when Mom quit, I quit.
There was also a toxic subconscious competition that was never talked about. On one hand my mother pressured me to lose weight, and on the other hand when I did succeed, it had to be less success than she was experiencing. I don't think it was conscious, but if I was succeeding far more than she was, she'd get frustrated and give up, and would then sometimes encourage me to be her eating buddy. Dysfunctional? You bet, but I think it's why it's so essential to have some support outside of the family.
I wish there were more teen and pre-teen TOPS groups (taking off pounds sensibly), and I wish I'd had access to one (independent of my mother's on/off relationship with WW). The education and support would have been so much more effective coming from peers than Mom and Dad (whose job it sometimes seemed was to ensure that I had no fun at all, ever).
The choices and input my parents did allow were some of my best memories from childhood. The few instances when dieting wasn't a double-edged sword. Allowing me to help plan and make healthy meals and recipes. One of my favorites was whipped jello. You make sugar free jello as usual and when it's set you whip it with an eggbeater (an old hand version would have even been good exercise). The increased volume makes it look like a bigger portion, and the mousse/meringue texture is nice.
Letting me pick out a piece of fruit, any fruit I wanted, even if it was expensive and even if I'd never tried it before and might not like it.
We were always on a tight budget, so that rarely happened, but I felt very grown up and special when it did. Sometimes my mom would even make it seem "more special" for me than for my younger brother. So it seemed like I was getting something that he wasn't. For example, he'd be given 50 cents to buy a treat, but I'd be allowed $1.00 (Because I was older, mom said, though I suspect it was because fruit was more expensive than candy). He'd have more choices, because I had to choose something that fit into my diet, but I felt special when he'd complain that it was "unfair" that I got four pieces of fruit, while he "only" got one candy bar. Sometimes he'd "copy" me and get what I got (also complaining that he could buy less than I could).
I wish my parents hadn't treated dieting and weight loss as an unpleasant, but necessary evil. I wish they'd made it fun - more reward than punishment. I know it's possible to be fun, because the way I'm dieting now is fun (slow, but fun).
I find it fun to give myself a "splurge" budget for healthy, but pricey foods, so I can buy exotic fruits and vegetables, teas and flavored vinegars...
Even as a kid I found some of that fun. I always liked cooking, and learning to make healthy recipes and being allowed to cook for the family was fun (and working with recipes definitely helped me practice math skills). I always liked choosing and trying different fruits.
I wish they'd encouraged me to be more physically active by way of "fun" activities. To some degree my mother saw exercise as having to be boring and very sweaty. If it was fun, it probably wasn't exercise. And a fat girl, always had to be conscious of looking silly (it was my mother's argument against many things I wanted to try such as dance class). I took tennis lessons one summer and my Mom made me quit, because she heard other kids or their mothers making fun of me. It didn't bother me, but it bothered her. I wasn't allowed to take dance lessons or climb the monkey bars or go horseback riding, because of my mothers fears (of my getting hurt emotionally or physically).
There is no perfect or pain-free answer. And it's hard to avoid teaching negative habits and mindsets, but that's why encouraging open communication (even complaints and suggestions) is so valuable. Children always respond to being listened to, and to having their opinions respected, because everyone responds to that. Feeling like you have input in your own life, is vital not only for adults but for children too.
How do I deal with my daughter?
). I remember commiserating with him about whatever crackpot thing we were trying in the early eighties--Cambridge diet, cabbage soup diet, all that stuff--and although the diets themselves were pretty wretched, it was kind of cool that at least I had good company. In fact, he and I just talked earlier tonight about how awful the Cambridge diet was. (And it was!) 
