I really hate letting anybody down for anything. I'm a classic people pleaser and it kills me to hurt someone's feelings, or even saying no.
That said, I need to find a easy as possible way to turn people down. I'm not really wanting to date anyone right now, and I have a couple of people that I know are interested, and one that I think might be. The first person I have met once, and things just didn't click. Like at all, not to mention this was a couple years ago that I met him, but he's been contacting me every couple of months asking if I want to get dinner or a movie. 2nd guy, I went to HS with, and he found my facebook page, sent me a request, which is fine, then sent me a mesg, which is fine, then sent me another mesg, with his phone number, saying I should call him to go out sometime, then poked me on facebook, then the next day hit my yahoo IM account. I'm like please, enough already! I have been avoiding, the 2nd guy, and told guy 1 that i"ve been really really busy.
3rd guy, I'm not certain about, but it's made me a little uncomfortable. He's prob around my age, and started going to the gym I go to. I've noticed him only in the last week, and the only reason I have noticed him and that I've caught him looking at me. ( I sopose I could be imagining this, but I have a gut feeling I'm not ) well, today, I'm seriously the only person in there, and I"m on the eleptical, he grabs the one right next to me. Out of all the others.....I start to feel extremely anxious, and just started straight ahead at the tv while praying "please don't initiate talking" I ended my eliptical 5 min early cause I was feeling just kind of weird about it all. Not many more people came in during this time, and so I left earlier than I normally would.
Yes, I realize I'm strange. And maybe I'm imagining the whole thing, but I have TONS of self conscious feelings about myself, and not the best self esteem. Not to say I don't ever want to not date, but I'm trying to work on myself first. And these three, I'm just not interested.
If you've gotten this far with reading. Thank You Any advice would be awesome, as I feel terrible already, but also don't want to do something I really don't want to do, and string someone around all because I don't know how to tell them no thank you.
Last edited by Smiling_Sara; 11-03-2010 at 07:30 PM.
You are a lucky girl. Hombres un y dos tell it to them straight, "You are awesome by I can't be in a relationship right now." Hombre 3 (only if he's hot) ask if he wants to be a running buddy. He might grow on you!
I have some straight forward approaches I take depending on the level of interest expressed.
- do nothing. this actually works really well most of the time. in all cases above. just do nothing. if you dont want to call, dont call (you didnt say you would, no obligation, no big deal, not hurting anyone. its fine. really, hehe)
- if someone actually asks you out, just act flattered but distinctly say no. you dont have to explain yourself. but do NOT waiver. any slight waivering can make them keep asking...
- less polite, more firm. if I have been polite and firm to no avail - I drop the politeness down a notch and look them in the eye and so no, and moreover, do not ask again. then smile and turn around and leave
These are all very minor incidents and not to be rude, but you are blowing them way out of proportion. Wondering if the attention is new to you? Or maybe if you have some mild social anxiety?
You are a lucky girl. Hombres un y dos tell it to them straight, "You are awesome by I can't be in a relationship right now." Hombre 3 (only if he's hot) ask if he wants to be a running buddy. He might grow on you!
Could work if I wasn't so worried about them being hurt by it. I know how it feels to get rejected and it sucks. Guy 3, could work if I could get over being so damn insecure about myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xty
I have some straight forward approaches I take depending on the level of interest expressed.
- do nothing. this actually works really well most of the time. in all cases above. just do nothing. if you dont want to call, dont call (you didnt say you would, no obligation, no big deal, not hurting anyone. its fine. really, hehe)
- if someone actually asks you out, just act flattered but distinctly say no. you dont have to explain yourself. but do NOT waiver. any slight waivering can make them keep asking...
- less polite, more firm. if I have been polite and firm to no avail - I drop the politeness down a notch and look them in the eye and so no, and moreover, do not ask again. then smile and turn around and leave
These are all very minor incidents and not to be rude, but you are blowing them way out of proportion. Wondering if the attention is new to you? Or maybe if you have some mild social anxiety?
You're not rude at all!! You've pretty much hit the nail on the head actually, only I'd call the social anxiety more than mild. And it's the first time I've really had any male attention. That's a scary thing when you are in your 30's, when it's something most go through in their teen years.
I feel like the do nothing at all thing would seem rude, if he directly talks with me at the gym. I was seriosuly starting to feel dizzy with the anxiety of this guy coming right next to me when every other maching in the whole gym was open. Felt like my throat was closing up, and just got light headed. Over the fact that a guy might talk to me. Insane I tell ya.
I just want a nice way of saying no thanks without thinking I"m a crazy person, even though I might be one.
Ok, generally I do not condone lying but the easiest thing to do is tell them you are seeing someone else. We've all done it to make an innaproriate guy scram and if from then forward you ignore them completely they will never know so won't feel any rejection. Just practice a friendly smile and saying, "I would but I'm seeing someone." The practice will make it roll a little smoother.
I'm all for the above advice. Just say no. Firmly. But, you're not comfortable with that, and I get it. But, you're going to have to learn this skill eventually. It's a good skill for everyone to have. Really, most people aren't going to get their feelings hurt and most certainly most men won't be hurt by the word 'no'. It actually saves them some embarrassment. Remember, ,men don't think like women. They get the word, 'no'. But they do not get hedging. To them, they do not see you being polite. They see an opening, an opportunity to chase. Men like to chase So really, your efforts to be polite and save them some hurt feelings can actually work against you and them.
Ignore the emails, fb requests, etc. If the guy at the gym says something to you then you can simply say, no thank you. Move away to another piece of equipment if he invades your personal space. You're there to work out and you don't need to defend or explain what you're doing.
I hate to give you this advice but I sense you're not ready to be an advocate for yourself so if you can't do any of the above then just lie and say you have a boyfriend. Say it once, firmly and politely. Then go about your business. If someone harasses you, then report them to the gym manager, delete them from your facebook account or email account.
Just tell him the truth. Tell him you are not interested. Men prefer honesty and will often see through a lie. Would you prefer to be told a lie, or honesty?
I just hope he doesn't try and chat me up at the gym tonight. Already starting to feel like the walls are coming up. Don't get on a machine right next to someone when ALL the others are open.
It even makes me feel weird enough that if I see his bike there when I get there, I won't want to go inside.
How to let someone down easily?
please, enough already! I have been avoiding, the 2nd guy, and told guy 1 that i"ve been really really busy. 
Any advice would be awesome, as I feel terrible already, but also don't want to do something I really don't want to do, and string someone around all because I don't know how to tell them no thank you.
So really, your efforts to be polite and save them some hurt feelings can actually work against you and them. 
