General chatter - Don't know where to post this... I don't know what to do

09-15-2010, 04:59 PM
Basically in a nutshell, my mom is literally a crazy drunk. I'm not just saying that, she really truly is. She essentially made my life from ages 0-16 a living ****, and that is in part a HUGE reason why I gained so much weight.

At 16 I realized what she was, and that the horrible things she said to me weren't true, and I started standing up for myself. Since then, our relationship has gone from bad to worse. Her mom was really bad to her, and so I think she has issues with women because of it (she gets along with my brother even though he uses her for money/steals from her/talks down to her) hence her being horrible to me.

Well, on Friday to make a long story short she got off of work and was really really really drunk. I guess I was slightly rude, but I'm fed up with her behavior, and said I didn't want to talk to her when she was like that. It's hard, and upsetting, when I want to tell my mom I aced my Microbiology quiz and she's slurring her words and stuff. Well she told me to leave, and I did. On Saturday I came back to explain my behavior and apologize if it seemed rude. Well, I guess she stewed over the situation with a bottle of brandy (it was 11 AM...) and drunk as ever she told me like, the most horrible things ever. Petty stuff, trying to break me down and all that. My mom is good at zeroing in on a person's weaknesses and pointing them out to you in a situation like that. Subsquently my ENTIRE family is estranged from her and she does not have a friend in the world. No joke.

I tried not to cry, but it's hard hearing your mother tell you she doesn't think she loves you and that you're a *****.

At the end, she said she was done with me and blah blah blah, I left and I don't intend to ever speak to her again. I'm serious too.

But it just occurred to me, that I'm under her health insurance. I don't need her at all except for that. It's REALLY good insurance and I need it. I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out in January, my glasses are breaking and too weak, and I have chronic eczema and appendix was taken out in October 08 and I didn't pay a penny except for the vicodin prescription. It's good insurance, I NEED it. My dad can get insurance but it doesn't cover vision or dental and it's extremely expensive....

While I don't know if she'll cancel my insurance (she may) but she sure as **** won't give me any of the paperwork. I have to send in a form and my school schedule to verify I'm not slacking off. I don't know what to do. I could try to have my brother talk to her, but she always justifys everything in her head as everyone elses fault. She can do no wrong, and in the past she's held things like this over my head as a "punishment". So I don't know...

I guess I'm mostly venting. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe some of you real adults can give me some advice. *sigh*

09-15-2010, 05:09 PM
How old are you?

I grew up with an extremely abusive female parent (see, I can't even use the term "mother" for her) and I walked away and never looked back.

You do not have to let your life be defined by this person. If your dad can help with the medical stuff, great. If not, you're like the millions of others inbetween or with poor insurance. While it is good to be practical, seek solutions that don't tie you to your abuser.

09-15-2010, 05:21 PM
I am really sorry to hear about your mother - because I had one JUST LIKE HER.

First of all - here is a great big hug from one survivor to another :hug:.

Secondly - the best encouragement that I can give you is to focus on yourself, your goals and your future. The day is going to come when she will be out of your life. Don't let her drama distract or derail you. There is almost nothing worse than an abusive family member - but keep yourself centered as much as you can. Don't give in to the chaos.

I don't know how old you are, but focus on school work and developing skills that will enable you to get a good job that will cover your health insurance. In the meantime, try to find creative outlets (like doing art projects or playing a musical instrument) and physical exercise to help you cope with stress and take your attention away from her. I hope you have at least one supportive friend that you can confide in. And for heaven's sake, have some fun away from her.

You can survive her. Please hang in there and post often; let us know how you are doing. Here are more hugs: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Remember: You can thrive in the world no matter what situation you come from.

09-15-2010, 05:29 PM
It's sad that she's like that. But you know that it's her and not you. Do you live at school or with her? She probably has to wait until open season to drop you from her insurance and may not remember by that time.

Can you hurry up and get the wisdom teeth and glasses taken care of before she has a chance to drop you?

I've distanced myself from my family because they tend to be toxic. It's been quite refreshing not to have to deal with their soap opera lives.

Good luck and sending a big hug

09-15-2010, 05:29 PM
I'm a member of the bad mother club, unfortunately.

I agree with Midwife. The best health insurance in the world is not going to protect you from her abuse. I did not have health insurance at all through college, but I figured it out when I needed something taken care of, including my wisdom teeth. I refused to be indebted to my mother. When you break free, you will figure it out somehow.

I'm sorry you have a mother like that. Please know that all the horrible things she says- that's her disease talking. No woman in her right mind would ever say things like that to her daughter. It doesn't excuse her behavior by any means and you should not expose yourself to it, but do not take those awful words to heart. Good luck to you :hug:

09-15-2010, 06:26 PM
It must be awful for you and my heart goes out to you.
My mother was schizophrenic and suffered from nervous depressions so she was in and out of mental hospitals all the time. My Dad was nonexistant being a commercial traveller and going all round the eastern area was very rarely at home. At the age of about 16 we got evicted from our house and we were all split up so I virtually lived on my own from then so I never knew what it was like to have someone put their arm round me or show any love at all. When I had my family I think I did show some affection to my children but not as much as they now show to their children. I'm always so glad that they were able to break the cycle.
You will be surprised at the amount of people these days who don't live in a proper home environment and are going through similiar situations as yourself. Hang in there and like others have said try to get some activities where you can enjoy yourself and forget for a little while all the hassle that you are having to contend with.
All the very best.:)

09-15-2010, 07:33 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm a little more umm emotionally stable now (as compared to a few years ago)? I sort of pity her, because she has lost everyone that has ever loved her because of her behavior. It's nice knowing I'm not alone... that's such an overused statement but it's true. Sometimes I feel like nobody gets where I'm coming from, and it's hard going through life with such a shaky foundation yknow?

And fyi I'm 20 and a pre-nursing student. Working my butt off to get straight A's so hopefully I can get into a program somewhere within driving distance might I add....

I don't live with her either. I live with my boyfriend's family. They're like, the picturesque big ol' country family. Parents still together, loads of kids and animals, a huge house where everyone eats at the table together. It's bittersweet being here because while it's a happy place to be, it's hard seeing what I never got to have. They want to help me but they're having serious financial issues right now.

Thanks for the perspective. It's really not as big of a deal as I thought of it I suppose, insurance. I've just never not had it, and I'm so paranoid of like MRSA and car accidents and crap. *shrug* My boyfriend's mom told me to poke around her house when she's not home and look for the packet of stuff, and if not my last ditch effort will be to call her work's insurance department and lie through my damn teeth and try to submit the paperwork bypassing her. I am DEFINITELY not talking to her again. My extended family told me not to last year, but I didn't listen. It doesn't make me sad. I still love her in the sense that she gave birth to me so a biological part of me will always love her, but I've hated everything about her being since I was 13, so this really isn't much of a loss.

Thanks for all your support.

09-16-2010, 11:01 AM
Since you're over 18, I wonder if you can arrange with the insurance company to have a copy of the forms sent to your address? It might be worth a shot. There are so many patient privacy laws at this time, you might just call them up and say you want to keep your medical business private, and could you please have the forms sent to your address.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is sad that there are so many people here with similar stories. :(

09-16-2010, 06:25 PM
Do try not to actually hate her - she is a product of HER environment of when she was growing up. I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the line she has suffered some mishap or dissappointment or other that has driven her to do what she does. By all means stay clear as that way you don't have to contend with the frustrations of her moods etc.
Well done in your efforts to get into nursing despite everything. I wish you all the best.

09-17-2010, 05:44 PM
Hi Natalie,

I belong to the Bad Dad club, which is similar to the Bad Mom club as we end up with emotional scars for the rest of our lives. My dad was abusive in many ways. He often referred to the things I did as "Stupid". As a result, I bought into that and did poorly in school. I never went to high school and ended up a young, overweight, single mom on welfare.
Once I started therapy I was able to see that I was not stupid nor did I deserve any of the abuse I suffered as a child. I enrolled in college and changed my life.
Fast forward to 24 years later, I am an RN working in a college as a Nursing Instructor. I realize that I don't have to hide that poor abused little girl under a mound of food or weight. I like who I am and I'm very proud of my accomplishments.
I wish you luck in school. We need more nurses at the bedside, especially those with big hearts and lots of compassion.

Hugs for you,

09-18-2010, 07:56 AM
The insurance company will likely fax or email you the forms, also.

My father is toxic, and when I started college I hadn't spoken to him in months. He was ordered through the court to help pay for my college, but since he's self-employed, there was no way to enforce it. I made amends with my dad long enough to ensure he cut a check to my mom for school, then walked away for years. I figured all of the torment during my life entitled me to some financial assistance for the first time ever.

While it's not an ideal situation, if having insurance is really that important, you can make up with your mom for a bit. If you call the insurance company, they will tell you when open enrollment is, and you can play nice with the woman during that 3-ish week period.

You can also look into state assisted medical care, in my state they sometimes make exceptions to the "child" rule if you're still young and in school.

09-18-2010, 08:35 AM
Keep in mind that your mother is a very sick woman. When she speaks to you so terribly it is her addiction her pain speaking to you. Despite her illness she has no right to treat you that way and you certainly don't have to put up with it. I hope your mother can someday get the help she needs.

About your health insurance. Depending on which state you live in there are programs for students to be covered for up to a year until after they graduate. I would call your state or local health and human services department and find out. I would assume that if your going to school you aren't making a whole lot. You might be able to get coverage based on your income as well. Many hospitals have programs for uninsured individuals. There are ways of becoming independant of your mother. Ask your college advisor or someone in the main office I'm sure they can help as well. It is very common.

I sincerely hope that you break the cycle of abuse that has been hanging on to the women in your family. Use the struggle of this to grow and become better. There are 2 types of people in this world. Those that use pain and suffering to add a fire to their success or those who use it to keep chained to the ground. Be the first. Accept your struggles. As a child of abuse I constantly remind myself that I'm a fine wine. The best grapes come from those vines that struggle. The vines fight for sunlight, for water. They grown sideways on hills and inbetween rocks. In the end they produce the finest, sweetest, most complex grapes. It is struggle that defines us and shapes what we produce in life. You have struggled. That struggle has made you complex and sweet and one of the finest wines. Tell yourself again and again that your a fine wine. You are one of the best.

09-18-2010, 01:22 PM
My father is an alcoholic. I've never seen him sober. Ever. He's crazy and abusive and I've cut him off. I'm even getting to the point where I'm not angry at him anymore. He is what he is and I can't change it. I don't have to accept it though or be a co-dependent. The important thing to know about dealing with an alcoholic is the "three C's". "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CURE it, I can't CONTROL it" You are only responsible for yourself.

So, I know my opinion isn't typical or medically prescribed one. I think our society makes a lot of lame excuses for other peoples lame behavior. I don't buy the whole "alcoholism is a disease" thing. It is a serious mental problem, a compulsion, but not a disease. People wake up with cancer or lupus, not a bottle of Jack in their hand. Alcoholics don't have booze forced in their body. They come up with the money, spend it, and consume it. Or they manipulate others into getting it for them. No one forces them. There is a profound lack of responsibility that enables people to behave like this and dismiss any guilt because they have an addictive personality. Addiction is a medical issue because getting clean usually needs medical attention because the body chemistry alters, but all in all, being an alcoholic or a drug addict is a choice. (I also happen to teach at a medical college. I'm not some random Christian Scientist or Scientology preaching some dogma )

My advice is to stay away. Nothing positive can be had from a relationship from her unless she changes. Try to get an appt with your doctors asap. It is doubtful she will take you off immediately. Tell them you may lose it at anytime. Get as much of your prescriptions stockpiled and make a plan with them for what to do in the case you lose your insurance. There are cheap services available for students.

Also, remember that addictive tendencies and abnormal attitudes about addiction run in families. I used to think it is completely normal to come home from work everyday and get wasted by oneself. I thought EVERYONE did that. Its not normal. I have unhealthy attitudes about alcohol. I stay away from it. I drink socially, rarely. I never buy it or drink alcohol at home. I never drink alone. Think about what unhealthy attitudes and behaviors may have rubbed off on you and counter that by being self-aware so you don't fall in the same traps. Focus on school and your health. You are doing what you need to do to be self-sufficient though it is difficult. I commend you.

Good luck to you!

09-20-2010, 03:32 PM
The problem with the insurance papers is that it's through her work, not the insurance company. My boyfriend's dad is an insurance agent/former district manager of a huge company... so he could help me if it was just insurance. It's her company that rules with an iron fist over this issue. The sad thing is all I need is my college schedule printed out proving I have >9 units this semester, and a stupid paper verifying that I didn't make that schedule in MS Paint. Grr.

I wish I could put up with my mom for this, but I feel like if I start talking to her again I'll get sucked back into feeling like she's "not so bad" and this will happen again. I don't want to, I feel FREE not having to deal with her drunken bull**** ever again. I think I might be able to figure this out myself, I want to exhaust my options before thinking about plan b. I'm very self sufficient, I mean when I was 15 and she wouldn't make me a dentist appt despite a chronic tooth ache, I found a dentist that took our insurance, I found her tax papers and located her SSN, called the dentist and enrolled myself as a patient, made an appointment, and found a ride there. I know I can do this. I'm going to snoop around her house today looking for the papers.

09-20-2010, 03:40 PM
Also, remember that addictive tendencies and abnormal attitudes about addiction run in families. I used to think it is completely normal to come home from work everyday and get wasted by oneself. I thought EVERYONE did that. Its not normal. I have unhealthy attitudes about alcohol. I stay away from it. I drink socially, rarely. I never buy it or drink alcohol at home. I never drink alone. Think about what unhealthy attitudes and behaviors may have rubbed off on you and counter that by being self-aware so you don't fall in the same traps. Focus on school and your health. You are doing what you need to do to be self-sufficient though it is difficult. I commend you.

Good luck to you!

Oh, I know. Believe me, I know. I've already struggled with this. When I was at my high weight, my solution to everything was binge drinking. I became cool overnight, or, what I thought was cool. I at least had friends and wasn't as invisible. I mean, that's what happens to 16 year olds with extremely low self esteem. I started down a path that scared the crap out of me, and I jerked myself out of it. I still do drink sometimes, but it is R-A-R-E. I can honestly say I have maybe, 2 times a year where I drink and enjoy myself out of the 6 times a year I drink. I've tried to tell my brother, and tried to just suggest that he maybe try therapy because he is as affected as me. He's not interested, he doesn't have a problem he says. *sigh*

I also do mimic my parents (particularly my mom's) bad behavior sometimes. It is a habit I try daily to break. It helps having my boyfriend as a brutally honest third party to tell me when I'm out of line so I'm more aware of what I'm doing. I will NOT be my mother. And this sounds weird, but if for any reason I don't think I can have kids and not be like my mother, then I won't have kids. That's where my mom screwed up, she wanted kids for her own selfish reasons without any regard to how her emotional issues would affect them. Yeah, I'm not doing that.

09-24-2010, 07:01 PM
It might be worth your while to check out some AL-ANON meetings. I know that with alcoholics the family issues run really deep, especially with codependency issues. It really doesn't have to be a dark cloud over your whole life. You are always free to live the life you've always wanted as kooky as that sounds. You can have that family life you've always dreamed of, just you'll be the parent in the situation and not the child this go around. Life really can end up great of after abuse. A great life is within your reach. ;) :hug:

09-24-2010, 08:43 PM
I also reccoommend ALANON this is for family members of alcoholics and you will learn to deal wih this along with others who are going through the same stuff as you.

09-24-2010, 08:46 PM
This thread is reinforcing my theory that having horrible parents can cause us to use food as the only thing we can find control over, and abuse that!

My mother is a sociopath and at times an alcoholic. To say I empathize, is to put it mildly.

I was kicked out of my house at 17, about a month before I graduated with a full scholarship and 4th in my class of hundreds.

I know the insurance issue is a big deal, and you may not be able to work around it. It may actually be the price you pay for your freedom. But your emotional health is priceless. You are very young and can likely get some sort of independent ins policy (maybe for emergencies only) pretty cheap.

You might even be able to reach out to your estranged family and see if they can help you at all? Maybe one of them can add you to their policies for a short term?

If you are a student and making little money, you may also qualify for some state run health care programs, you should find out.


And hang in there. Your ability to stand up for yourself will serve you well in life :)

10-11-2010, 04:44 PM
Thank you for the additional responses. I didn't check back lately, haven't been on 3FC much. I thought you all might want to know how this little fiasco ended. It's long by the way...

I called the insurance department of her company with a well thought out massive lie, and they told me they hadn't sent the paperwork out. Well the weekend before last my dad called and said my mom had gotten a hold of him about the insurance stuff (I was really surprised she didn't just chuck the papers.) My brother got them for me, and on Saturday I went to her house and waited outside while my brother gave them to her to sign. I figured he'd lie and say I wasn't there, but no, he told her I was waiting outisde. So she came out there, NOT drunk shockingly, and asked me to come inside. I didn't want to, but I did.

I tried to play nice but she just started unloading on me, saying the same crap she said last time about how it's her house, she can drink if she wants to, what I said was hurtful nasty malicious (alluding to the fact that I'm a horrible person and whatever), explaining her warped side of the story. I'm pretty sure since the event has happened she's sat in the dark drinking booze and twisting the events around in her favor. She does that all the time.

I knew she wanted to continue a relationship with me. I know what she was going for was to make me feel guilty and like crap, make me cry, then have me apologize over and over again, and then we'd be good. Well, I wasn't.

She started telling me that I can't talk to people like they're "pieces of ****" and that I can't have relationships with people with that attitude. THE NERVE OF THAT WOMAN! SHE HAS NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY, NOBODY LOVES HER, and she had the audacity... GAH.

So I lost it, and said "You know what mom, the only people I talk to like they're pieces of **** are people who I think are."

She asked me if I thought she was a piece of crap, and I said "Yep!" and she threw the paper at me and told me to get out.

I told her I really didn't care either way, I was surprised she even gave me the paperwork in the first place.

So yeah. I refuse to jump through hoops for her, and I don't think she understands that I have no desire to have a relationship with her. If she wanted to pay for my insurance with me having no contact with her, fabulous, if not, I have other ways.

Anyway, my dad is going to put me on his insurance. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. I feel kinda liberated really. Thanks for everyone's help. I might check out al-alon, well I supposed I will. My extended family has been urging me to go for a while but I have some mental block. Whatever. Thank you all!

10-11-2010, 04:56 PM
I'm sorry that it came to that, but I'm glad you got your papers.

Just a word of advice for any future confrontations or dealings. DO NOT ENGAGE HER. This gives her EXACTLY what she wants and fuels her arguments at what a brat you are. I'm not saying you are a brat, but it doesn't matter what she says that gets you riled up. It's your reaction that will ALWAYS be her reason to lash out at you. She says something awful, you react because you're offended, she takes what you said and twists it. This will not change.

But you can change how you deal with her. I can't stress being civil at ALL times enough. You know she has problems and how she uses your words against you. Don't fall for it. You will lose. Every. Single. Time.

The best thing you can do is no longer engage her, no longer react, and take care of YOU.

Pint Sized Terror
10-11-2010, 05:57 PM
I totally agree with junebug. It's sad it came to that. My story mimics yours except I couldn't depend on my mom for anything, not even dinner, let alone health insurance. She too had a mother that treated her differently from her brothers, told her she was worthless etc... and my mom, like my grandma, has "girl issues." It escalated horrifically when I hit puberty. It was like she hated me. She would say AWFUL horrible things to me, and I did everything possible to prove her wrong. I was a "goody-goody" LOL. I did everything I could to make her see I wasn't bad, but the more I tried the more cruel she became. I eventually I understood that I was never "bad" she just liked to make me think I was so she could feel better, or get some kind of... I don't know... satisfaction out of hurting me.

Don't give in to her and sink to her level when she provokes you. My mom does the exact same thing, and I've learned over the years to take the high road. I'm not talking to her currently, though I'm sure some day I will. I love her. I do not, however, have to tolerate her abuse. When she starts in on me, I tell her I don't want to hear it, and if she has an issue she can handle it without getting irate. If she can't, I just walk away or hang up. She's looking for a reason to be right. She says you treat her badly, so she picks and picks at you until you DO blow up and say something mean to her, validating her point.
Your mom is a sick person. Not physically, but mentally. It has taken me 14 years to understand why my mom is the way she is. (she kicked me out when I was 14, and I'm 28 now) I would like to say I completely understand her, and I don't let any of it bother me, but that's not true. I just know that my mom has severe issues with herself, and she reflects that on me. She abuses me because of her own self-hate.
Don't pity her because of her decisions, don't hate her because of what she did. Learn from her mistakes and do what you need to to make a better life for yourself.

Also, my husband's family is like your boyfriend's family. Very close, always there for each other... I've been with my husband 8 years and half of that was spent adjusting to have a family that loved you unconditionally. It IS out there and available to you. :hug:

10-11-2010, 10:24 PM
Big hugs to everyone for being so strong in the face of terrible situations.

OP, I'm really glad you got the paperwork you need, and it's great that you're working so hard to better yourself and become independent rather than falling into toxic habits like so many people with addicted/toxic parents. My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation to you and yours (switched roles - his dad is an alcoholic). He attended some ALANON meetings for children of alcoholic parents and found them to be incredibly helpful in distancing himself emotionally from toxic family and a traumatic childhood.

10-12-2010, 09:54 PM
Thanks ladies. Let me clarify by saying that I didn't get the paper. I mean, I have it since she threw it at me, but it's worthless without her signature and even if I did, she wouldn't continue paying it the extra every month for me. I just have to get on my dad's crappy insurance, but it's ok. I'll deal.

Reading what you guys had to say has made me feel... lame. I really really try, especially in the past year, to NOT blow up. Lately I had been being as civil and calm as I possibly could. It's just hard because it only recently dawned on me (the past year and a half) that the problem was her and not me. Knowing that really just... pisses me off when she, in her nice I-love-you-but-you-need-to-hear-this-voice starts telling me how bad of a person I am. It would infuriate me. I only rarely insulted her back.. I think I said she was a terrible parent once and I felt stupid for letting that slip.

It's weird but it makes me so sad to think of how sad and lonely my childhood was. Like yesterday my boyfriend's family took me to the pumpkin patch with them and we did all the appropriate things: posed with our faces in one of those cut-out things, they bought us and the younger kids caramel apples, we rode the train around the farm and took the hayride to the pumpkin fields and picked out pumpkins. My boyfriend has gone every year since he was 3. It made me want to cry because I NEVER did any of that as a kid. We were lucky if we got pumpkins from the grocery store if they were on sale, and my parents didn't even help us carve them. I figured it out myself on the kitchen floor with a steak knife at like 7, with what I'd seen on cartoons as a guide to what a Jack-O-Lantern was supposed to look like. It's just like...sad.

I guess I will go to an Al-Alon meeting. I just hate being emotional, and it would probably make me cry a lot.

Thanks for all your support guys. It's sort of embarrassing to be sharing this on a random forum but I'm glad I have, you guys made me feel like I'm not alone in this. <3

Pint Sized Terror
10-14-2010, 01:13 AM
I can understand how you feel cheated. We never did any of that stuff either. I remember having a pumpkin in kindergarten, but we never did it again. We didn't celebrate my birthday past 13, not even my 16th. My best friend's mom threw me one at the same time as her daughters, since our b-days were a few days apart. I barely even have any baby pictures left, and absolutely no mementos of my childhood because my mom would leave everything behind when she moved out of a house. My mother in law made my son a quilt out of his daddy's t-shirts from nursery school through high school. :)

I look at it this way: My childhood, no matter how bad it was, has made me who I am today. I can look at it as something that burned me down, or something that made me rise like a phoenix. I don't let my childhood and what I "should" or "shouldn't" have had or have gone through determine my happiness or mood now. As an adult, I go to the zoo, aquarium and do lots of silly kid things. One of the first dates I went on with my husband was to an amusement park. I make my own traditions now. I bake Christmas cookies, make paper chains, decorate for Halloween, go watch fireworks, pick out pumpkins, go to the fair, lick the spoon, LOL, all the things I didn't do as a kid. Now that I have my own little ones to share it with, it makes it all the more special.

Don't live trapped in what you missed out on. It's hard, but you have an entirely new, awesome life right there for the taking.

LOL, end soapbox preaching. ;) (I just think one of the most unfortunate side effects of an abusive childhood is letting it affect you negatively for the rest of your life, you being whoever, not YOU, LOL)

Also, don't worry about being emotional about this. Getting the hurt out will only do you good.

10-14-2010, 01:48 AM
I went to AlANON years ago for awhile. It was very helpful because it explained why you feel the way you do, and why you do what youdo, and why they do what they do.

Having things explained that way, really helps with the perspective and can make you feel tons better regardless of your Moms behavior.