General chatter - Fat people who've lost weight are so mean and judgemental - RANT




mascara blue
07-07-2010, 11:22 AM
So I am having coffee with a friend who has recenly lost a whole lote of weight. The waitress took a slice of cake to the lady at the next table. Now the lady was fairly large, so my friend says "urgh. No wonder she is so fat if she eats like that". I was floored!! Doesn't she remember that only lsat year she was in the same place as this woman?? And its not just her. I have come across this phenomenon more than once. Its like overweight people take so much crap and criticism and bullying all their lives that the minute they lose the weight they suddenly become these smug, mean people passing judgement like they belong to some exclusive club.

I should've said something but oddly enought I didnt want to hurt her feelings by reminding her that she used to be overweight, thinking that maybe this is what her self esteem needs. But then she starts telling me what I should eat and exercise and I got so mad I had to leave.

Anyway I am sorry I dont mean to generalise but i am so annoyed and normally I am a stress eater who eats her emotions so I thought a rant might keep me away from the cheese!! But I am sure there are understanding ex-chubbies out there... I just need to come across some! :)

Rant over...


rockinrobin
07-07-2010, 11:32 AM
I actually find that former heavy people are more sympathetic than those who have never been. We've been in their shoes and we know what it's like. We know.

In fact when I am out with friends, there is this one particular man in our group who ALWAYS mentions SOMETHING negative and put down-ish (& MEAN) about overweight people. And I am always the first one to defend and shut him the heck up.

This particular person that you are speaking of, yeah, she is just out of line. I am happy to say that I can't recall coming across anyone like that. Sorry that you have. And me, I couldn't have kept quiet.

Shmead
07-07-2010, 11:46 AM
The only way to break any bad habit/change any bad lifestyle is to recognize that you have control over it. Once you've recognized that you have control over it, it's hard not to transfer that to other people--to see that they have control, as well.

Most people manage to compartmentalize this--I know I have control, I can do this/ I am not in their head, I do not know what their challenges are--but I understand why some people don't. Accepting that other people may not be able to change might make you lose faith in your own ability. And that faith is crucial to success.


woodgal1
07-07-2010, 11:54 AM
Sometimes people like that still have problems accepting themselves and they view the weight on others as a threat as to what once was and what could be again.
By pointing fingers at others they are taking their own spotlight off themselves and their own struggle, even for a minute of self rest.
Internally she is probably scared that she will go back like quite a few do.

It's kind of like bullies. They turn attention to others who may be physically smaller or even mentally smarter in order to take the spotlight off themselves and their own insecurity.
I have a friend who has a gorgeous figure. She whines when she gains two pounds that "Ohhhh, I feel so fat" "Look at my tummy pooching out".....and there I stand over 300 pounds. I finally told her one day that she is huge and that I hope my tummy never pooches out that far.....she got a shocked look on her face and realized what was going on and apologized to me. She never complains about her tummy around me anymore.

So I would either tell your friend that she needs to only worry about herself and be a shining example, or you will be eating with others. Don't put yourself in jeopardy of emotional eating over her insecurities.

Rosinante
07-07-2010, 12:02 PM
Society's views and stereotypes are so easy to fall into. I know when I became thinner, I Did sometimes judge fatter people, especially if I saw some of the unhealthy stuff they'd filled a trolley with. I never did that about meals: apart from "It's not your business", how does anyone know that the woman with the cake has not already lost a lot to get to the size she is, and that her WOE includes the occasional planned cake?

I would never, ever, ever say it out loud though: I'd hate myself if she heard; plus, fat or thin I'm passionate about challenging society's stereotypes about fat people, about me.

AnnieDrews
07-07-2010, 12:05 PM
Some people are just judgemental and rude no matter how fat/thin they are or the situation.

nelie
07-07-2010, 12:07 PM
So it sounds like your friend is rude...

I've lost a lot of weight and I sympathize with those that are where I used to be. It is a long hard road, I'd never judge someone even if they decided to have a piece of cake or this or that. Its a struggle and maybe that person has already lost 50 lbs and has a piece of cake once in a blue moon, how am I to know?

So don't judge people by your friends actions.

ThicknPretty
07-07-2010, 12:13 PM
I'm guilty of this. I really have to be careful sometimes because I donít want to come across as if I am being judgmental. Iím not at all. I have no place to judge anyone else. There is only one difference between the me now and the me then (besides the physical differences, obviously): I have the knowledge now. I have learned SO much. And Iím very excited about it. And sometimes I forget that other people might be sensitive about their weight (as if Iím not, too) or might not want to hear my opinion or what cool thing I just learned or new work out Iíve done. It just comes out.

And I definitely have resentment towards my former fat self. Part of how I beat her up is by the way I talk to myself, but it also comes out when I make snarky comments about someone else. Iíve definitely made comments about what other people are eating and I shouldnít, ever. But I see that person sitting down and stuffing their faceÖI see their stomach spilling over their jeansÖand I see myself. And what I could easily be again if I just stopped trying for a while. The self that I hated, the body that I loathed. It all gets very mixed up together.

bama girl
07-07-2010, 12:16 PM
I agree with others in that some people are going to be judgemental no matter what size they are. It's possible that she still feels insecure about herself and feels like she has to be mean about others to boost her own self esteem. When I was sick with anorexia and under 100 lbs, I was the cattiest, meanest, most judgemental person you can imagine, even toward perfectly normal, healthy people, because I assumed everyone else hated my body as much as I did and would preemptively judge them to "get even". I've vowed never to judge anyone else by their size again, because after being bigger, I know what it feels like on both ends.

I think if someone said something like that in front of me, I would call them out on it, tell them I felt their comment was hurtful and inappropriate, and let them know I don't want to hear things like that in my presence again. Then again, I'm not the most tactful of people, and there is probably a better way to say it.

skygirl
07-07-2010, 12:27 PM
i have found it's a mixed bag. some people who have been overweight are very empathetic to others dealing with the same struggles. and some people who have been overweight become very critical and dogmatic.

those that become crtitical often have a sort of rigid and controlling attitude towards others. i am not sure if it is because they feel that way towards themselves on the inside, like constantly trying to walk this line of staying exactly where they need to be on whatever their plan is for fear of going back to where they were, and instead of dealing with that self-directed rigidity and control as something they just need or want for themsleves, they project it out onto others because it's secretly something they resent having to do themselves. or if it is the projection of some kind of self-hatred that was harbored for so long. or something else altogether. i don't know.

anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that somewhere along the line something changed for them internally that allowed them to be able to pursue health. but that until that thing occurred, which is different for most people, that "thing" might have felt like a mystery to them, and they might have marveled at how others were able to do it and wished that they were able to do it too. but until that thing occurs, whatever it is for each person (and "thing" is meant to generalize, it could actually be a "string of things," but nonetheless it is a chage of some sort), then i'm not sure that any amount of dogma or crticism is going to make someone have a revalation. so until that happens there is often not much that can be put in the place of that organic change in order to force or manufacture it. in other words you can't just look at someone and tell them what will make things better for them and that they can and should do it. they often know that already on an intelluctual level. i think often it's something else that has to come.

all i know is that i have deep compassion every time i see someone who is struggling. i was there. i am still there now, though moving forward. and i am not going to judge someone who is maybe a little further back in this journey than i am. just because i have realized some things doesn't mean i can expect everyone else to have done the same "right this minute," or ever. so why would i want to criticize someone else for going through what i went through. the important question i think, for those who would want to criticize others, is what purpose would that/does that serve, for the person who is doing the criticizing.

icmethinner
07-07-2010, 12:34 PM
I've talked to some have lost a lot of weight who are like that too. It is like they feel that they have paid their dues and now have a right to talk about others like that. Some of the former fat people I have talked to are way more judgemental of overweight people than the general public

gonnadoitthistime
07-07-2010, 01:06 PM
I think the people who need to put down others are just plain afraid. Fear does such awful things if we let it rule us. Maybe she is afraid she will get bigger again, afraid to look back at what she was weight wise, afraid of mentally still being that larger person, afraid to remember how much it hurt when she was large and people treated her in rude ways. I hope she gets over this, but many don't, but it is just fear.

ImpalaHoarder
07-07-2010, 01:08 PM
bama girl: That's really interesting. I've just begun to notice that I do the same judging thing with thin people- I presume that they will judge me for my weight so I judge them first (usually for being so judgmental, lol) so I won't feel like a chump.

As far as judging of overweight people by overweight people, I think it's a mixed bag. On the one hand, I really don't think that someone who has never had to go through the whole rigamarole that is weight loss has the right to say that someone is a bad person for not doing it. This does rather put formerly overweight people in a unique position. They can say "Yes it is hard, but it can be done." Generally I do not judge overweight people. I understand that everyone has struggles, emphatically including me. But then there are some overweight people who really upset me, who make nasty comments about other people's appearances and then turn around and eat three burgers and an ice cream for lunch.

Now, meanness is always unacceptable. But being that level of mean and not even taking the tiniest step, like, say, drinking water instead of two bottles of soda, to fix your OWN deficits strikes me as a narcissistic and destructive way to deal with problems which is just not okay. And THOSE people I judge, and feel no remorse about judging. Same with people who loudly proclaim that they are fat and never going to change, and then turn around and bash thin people. And I think there are a lot of fat people like this. It makes me sad, because I want to believe that everyone is genuinely trying to make themselves better. If they have some trouble with that, I accept it. But mostly the overweight people I see, certainly not on 3fc, but in the world at large, seem to be tearing other people down instead of building themselves up into better people.

Still, as far as "random person eating cake" is concerned, I am wholeheartedly in agreement with the OP. That is rude, and just creates a hostile environment which I do not think is either positive or helpful.

caryesings
07-07-2010, 01:19 PM
anyone who has struggled with their weight knows that somewhere along the line something changed for them internally that allowed them to be able to pursue health. but that until that thing occurred, which is different for most people, that "thing" might have felt like a mystery to them, and they might have marveled at how others were able to do it and wished that they were able to do it too. but until that thing occurs, whatever it is for each person (and "thing" is meant to generalize, it could actually be a "string of things," but nonetheless it is a chage of some sort), then i'm not sure that any amount of dogma or crticism is going to make someone have a revalation. so until that happens there is often not much that can be put in the place of that organic change in order to force or manufacture it. in other words you can't just look at someone and tell them what will make things better for them and that they can and should do it. they often know that already on an intelluctual level. i think often it's something else that has to come.



This.

I do wish sometimes that I had figured it out before age 49 and still can't really explain why this time I've been able to do this so would never judge someone else's "ready" point. It wasn't a case of education or "wanting it bad enough" but I can't explain why now.

Nada
07-07-2010, 01:28 PM
Yes we can be--but I do try to keep my internal voice internal.

A couple of reasons that have been mentioned: the feeling that if I can, anyone can; and the feeling that if you blame the fat person you can protect yourself from becoming that person again.

Stripes
07-07-2010, 01:28 PM
i do this, not because it makes me feel better or anything like that, i think its jealousy as i cant eat things with wheat and gluten so that means no cake or anything similar for me. :(

MindiV
07-07-2010, 01:42 PM
i do this, not because it makes me feel better or anything like that, i think its jealousy as i cant eat things with wheat and gluten so that means no cake or anything similar for me. :(

This is me, too.

Let me say that I love how healthy I am now. I hate my body most days, but it's my own fault for what I did to it to get as big as I was. But I love how I feel and the things I can do.

That being said, I 100% truly miss just not caring about food. Just being able to sit at a restaurant and get an appetizer and entree without having to stress out over how many calories are in it, how much sodium is in it, if it fits into my plan, what I'll have to do without to afford it, etc. Heck, even having my favorite desserts at my favorite restaurants is out of the question anymore because of the way I obsess over food and staying the weight I am now.

When I see my husband able to afford a Snicker bar in his daily calories when I can't, I get mad and jealous. Same is true with my co-workers, who go out to eat all the time together. I find myself making comments to my husband on how they eat, when I was doing the same thing not too long ago. It's all about how I wish I was FREE to do what they're doing, and I'm not anymore.

Harsdottir
07-07-2010, 02:46 PM
The only way to break any bad habit/change any bad lifestyle is to recognize that you have control over it. Once you've recognized that you have control over it, it's hard not to transfer that to other people--to see that they have control, as well.

Most people manage to compartmentalize this--I know I have control, I can do this/ I am not in their head, I do not know what their challenges are--but I understand why some people don't. Accepting that other people may not be able to change might make you lose faith in your own ability. And that faith is crucial to success.

Shmead. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

I am glad you posted this. Its not about superiority, or hate. Its about a firm dogma/faith/philosophy that you are generalizing to everyone. Just like Christians believe that you won't go to heaven if you don't accept Christ, people who have adopted the "control" philosophy believe that obese people may still be struggling and failing to work on their control/addiction issues.

When I see an obese person in McDonald's I think they have:

a) either lost control temporarily/permanently and need help
or
b)willfully refuse to exercise control over their eating/health habits.


Do I hate them or feel superior? No. Sometimes I feel sad, and as a person still on the weight loss journey I am also reminded of the fact that I still struggle and will always struggle, yet I am chosing to fight the addiction and not pretend that I have no control, or willfully surrender control.

I guess that's why you lost such a tremendous amount of weight Shmead. :carrot::carrot::D

In order to have lost 130 pounds you must have had to develop that "You have control" philosophy Its a very good way of working up to the discipline of choosing exercise and healthy foods over other options.

pink sparkle
07-07-2010, 03:15 PM
Even though I'm still fat, I'm guilty of this (though not like your friend). I think my being "judgmental" is really a low tolerance for people who complain yet make no effort to do anything about it. I know a few people who are always complaining about their weight -- saying how fat they are, how they're tired of not being able to fit into their clothes, etc. And that's all they do is complain. When exercise and eating healthier are brought up they have tons of excuses. Maybe I'm this way because when I was bigger, I didn't complain to anyone (other than myself and journal) about my weight. So when I hear others complaining about their weight all the time, it's like "shut up if you're not going to do anything about it."

nelie
07-07-2010, 04:38 PM
When I see an obese person in McDonald's I think they have:

a) either lost control temporarily/permanently and need help
or
b)willfully refuse to exercise control over their eating/health habits.



I'm an optimist :) I never liked fast food and don't understand the draw but there have been people here who have said they have included fast food in their diet. If I saw an obese person eating a high calorie meal such as fast food, I don't think I could make any assumptions about where they are in their life. Perhaps they include a 'splurge' meal in their eating plan and eating the fast food meal is the splurge for the week/month/whatever.

You really don't know where someone has been or where they are at unless you know them personally and know details about their own struggle.

mandalinn82
07-07-2010, 05:02 PM
I don't even think this way, personally, as someone who has lost a lot of weight...much less say anything out loud. Rude!

Now, if this is someone that I KNOW who has been asking me for weight loss advice, or talking along the lines of "No matter what I do, I can't lose weight, it's my metabolism", I might have a passing thought of "Well, that's not going to help". But I usually try to override that thought with the reality that, honestly, it's none of my business, and I have no idea what that person's motivation is no matter how well I know him/her, and regardless, I would never say anything out loud.

Shytowngal
07-07-2010, 05:19 PM
When I see overweight people eating poorly I always think, - I can't believe I used to eat like that! - it's not so much a judgement of them, but it looks so disgusting, and I really can't believe I used to put that stuff (and A LOT of it) in my mouth without a second thought.

catherinef
07-07-2010, 05:58 PM
Honestly, most of the time, I feel a sense of empathy so strong it's painful, because, wow, do I know what it's like to be there. But it absolutely is not my place to judge. I didn't like people judging me when I was so fat, and not one 'helpful' comment or suggestion ever helped a bit; it only pushed me deeper into shame and self-loathing.

I get irritated with some of the snide comments I've received -- a few people I run into regularly have become actively quite hostile to me -- but, ultimately, I didn't lose all this weight to turn into a nasty jerk, so I let it go.

jigglefree
07-07-2010, 09:02 PM
Wow. I have come a long way and have a long way to go but I would NEVER imagine saying anything hurtful to or about someone. Why would a person feel the need to look at someone else and say if I can they can or should be able to? Especially since you don't know their inner struggle. My philosophy is I have strengths and weakness as do everyone else. Their strength could be my weakness or vice versa, so we come together to eliminate our weakness. If someone asks me what I've done and I tell them and if they want help I give it. If they criticize my method I just say I do what works for me. Someone may find WLS their way and others criticize them saying you took the easy way out and nothing could be farther from the truth. WE all find our way to our destination and in OUR time. How many of us tried and quit and started again. For many people there are several failures before there is success. The person may be on a journey and have a bad day and decide to binge...do we crucify them for their shortcomings? Not realizing we are doing our best and some days are better than others. But understand the struggle of the person before you make a call about their situation.

bargoo
07-07-2010, 09:48 PM
I agree with AnnieDrews and Nelie.

Cookc04
09-21-2010, 03:19 AM
When I see people overweight - i wonder what it is that has gotten it that way - are they comfort eating, have they been sick and bed ridden.
Maybe just maybe they have lost a stack of weight and are having a day off from their diet.
Maybe it's their own private way of celebrating the birthday of an unborn child they lost many years ago.

I do judge people who don't seem to understand what food is good for you, and what food is bad for you - regardless of their size. You know what I mean. I met a middle aged GP who had recently lost weight - and she said she got fat because she didn't realise that potato crisps were mostly fat, and she was having a bag a night. I mean she was a doctor and she didn't even monitor the food that she was consuming. I still judge her - I just can't help myself.

iammare
09-21-2010, 11:47 AM
I have to agree 100% with you. I was on the WW site, and they are some of the rudest, judgmental people around.

I'm sorry, but I don't need to be judged, I need help. When I ask for help, don't tell me that I'm a bad person, that I did it to myself... Really? Don't you think I know that already?

audrina
09-21-2010, 02:23 PM
I have to admit, as I lose more and more weight, I become less and less tolerant of those heavier than me. I know, I KNOW! It's horrible. I try very hard to be sympathetic but it's hard. If they want to be that way, it's one story, but if they complain to me about being overweight I can't offer much sympathy. Don't get confused though, I always offer kind, caring advice and don't make mean comments to them or the likes.

And you know why? Because chances are, just like me, they did it to themselves. And chances are, just like me, they can't motivate themselves to do what's necessary to lose weight.

But you know what? Eventually I stopped feeling sorry for myself and made a change, that's the only way to ensure happiness. If people can't do this themselves, yet they want to lose the weight, I just can't feel badly for them. I'm not saying it's been an easy journey, it hasn't been, at all, but at a certain point you have to take control, your life is in your hands.

Now that I'm not the heaviest person in the room when I look around I do comment on other people's weight [mostly internally]. I can't help it, my weight is a huge focus factor in my life right now, so other people come under my critical eye. I notice the things they are doing that contributes to their weight, and I do comment on them [internally or occasionally to someone I'm with]. I know how horrible this is.

It's so sad that I actually caught myself saying the other day "I understand why people dislike overweight people so much."

At the end of the day, I'm not mean about it other people, I wish I could not feel the way I do, but I think it has everything to do with the fact that I hated myself when I was as large as I was and sometimes that gets projected on to undeserving people.

elinor1
09-21-2010, 03:15 PM
In reading this post I think back to 2 1/2 years ago, I was at my highest weight of 239lbs. My mom who had been nearly 300lbs all of my life had chosen to have gastric bypass surgery. She had lost over 100lbs and I was proud of her for her successes. She suddenly had found a love for life that I had never seen before. She decided that riding a motorcycle would be fun and I have a passion myself for it so I had all the right gear and loaned mine to her since I had gained so much weight that it didn't fit at the time anyways it was unusable for me. When I asked for it back while at her house for a party she told me in front of a large group of people, "why can't I keep it, I will be able to wear it, it's going to be a long time before you can get back into it." I was mortified that in front of everyone she had basically called me out for being to fat. She also made several attempts at family events to insist my sister and I were way to overweight and she wanted us to lose weight. First let me explain I understand worrying about your children and their health. I have children of my own and worry daily that my poor choices have rubbed off on them but I would never make a point to embarrass them in public. It took me quite a while to forgive my mom for these little nudges she would give us especially when I thought back to my childhood and how obese she has always been. I never thought of my mom as anything but my mom. I never mentioned her weight, never suggested she should lose any or anything like that. When I looked at my mom all I ever saw was this amazingly supportive and loving mom. How did her losing weight all of a sudden change her so drastically?

Unfortunately for my mom, the weight loss came to an end and now she is back to being significantly overweight again. It is very sad but her choices did not become a lifestyle change to live this way forever. She has begun doing things a person that has had the gastric bypass surgery should no longer do and she also has quit exercising and eating properly. I feel bad for her but I also think she has lost control of her habits again.

I try not to be judgmental at all because I remember how it felt to be the person on the other end of it. My journey is still in process and I hope to someday be at goal but I also keep very fresh in my mind that I can easily slide of my path as I did this summer so maybe that heavier person has fallen off the path or maybe they haven't started on their journey yet but the best thing I can do as another human being is show them compassion because I do know what it feels like to be them!
Sorry this was so long!!

JenMusic
09-21-2010, 04:25 PM
And I definitely have resentment towards my former fat self. Part of how I beat her up is by the way I talk to myself, but it also comes out when I make snarky comments about someone else. Iíve definitely made comments about what other people are eating and I shouldnít, ever. But I see that person sitting down and stuffing their faceÖI see their stomach spilling over their jeansÖand I see myself. And what I could easily be again if I just stopped trying for a while. The self that I hated, the body that I loathed. It all gets very mixed up together.

Oh, gosh, thank you for this! I didn't have words to express this, but this is exactly how I feel most of the time.

I would NEVER make comments about someone, but I have to admit I've been guilty of looking and judging internally (then yelling at myself for being catty). But now I know why I'm doing it - I am so angry with myself for wasting so much time. I am also afraid that that will be me again one day, if I ever slack off.

I think, for me, it's not the person I'm looking at that I'm judging, it's me.

sarahyu
09-22-2010, 01:58 PM
I was on a cruise in Hawaii last year. We were in port walking towards something when I noticed these 2 ladies walking behind us talking about how they felt so much better after they lost the weight and wouldn't it be good it the person in front of them would realize how much better they would feel if they lost the weight. Going on and on about how fat that person was, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I whipped around and said "I know you aren't talking about me, because I've already lost 50 pounds and it's none of your business what I look like. If your going to talk about people make sure they can't hear you."

Ok, so I fudged my weight loss achievements-well, not really if you add up both times I've lost a big chunk of weight. They got real embarrassed like and said, "of course not" Looking around there was not another fluffy person in the area so it definately was me. I just gave them a dirty look. Hubby just stood by me and gave me a hug as we walked away.

At least they had the decency to look embarrassed.

Dee in Florida
09-22-2010, 02:34 PM
People treat overweight people different. I think that is why I have put on the weight. It keeps people at a safe distance. I am asking myself, so how are you going to protect yourself when the fat is gone? When I was a teenager and in my 20s, I would hurt people before I was hurt. Because of my love for God, I stopped hurting people and put on weight to protect myself.