[Optical Goddess]

I am fairly convinced this is not the right place for this post, and if anyone wants to move it, feel free, but I need to get this off my chest.

My story is that I'm new to calorie counting, per se. I did lose about 80 lbs with weight watchers point system. Over time, with different medications and also with health issues of my own and my husband ( he needs a kidney tranpslant), I've gained some back I weigh about 170. I want to weigh 150.

Yet, I keep sabotaging myself. Like I eat too many calories and then eat even more to punish myself. I just ate a meatball sub from subway w/3 cookies and a bag of chips. It wasnt that good, and it wasnt' worth the calories.

While I try to get to the point of accepting myself despite my size it seems I just get lethargic, apathetic adn give up. Like maybe I'm supposed to be this size. I gained 10 of it since Jan, when my husband was in critical care and I was alone ( we have no family/friends here).

I dunno. I just wish I could stick with it. Cal counting seems the way to go because it makes the most sense to me.
I just wish I could figure out why I keep punishing myself htis way.
Maybe I just hve too much on my plate w/the kidney thing, but I have all these grand plans, mapping out howmuch I would work out and how much I'd eat, ut in the end, I just want to nap a lot...

thx for hearing me out.

[saef]

Can you start really small? When something seems too big, overwhelming & futile, I tend to not even try.

What are you telling yourself your goals are? Maybe shrink them down to just a few changes, see how they go, and adopt others as you go.

[Jane]

I'm not a therapist, and I'm not trying to diagnosis at all, but it sounds as though you could possibly be depressed. If you think so, too, please talk to your doctor about this, ok?

In the meantime, less carbs and more protein works wonders for boosting energy for me, and it might work for you, too.

[Optical Goddess]

Hey,

Yeah, I feel kinda embarassed for writing the OP, but such as it is.

To Jane, you're pretty spot on. I'm bipolar, and also going through a lot right now, so I've been easily discouraged.

I'm finally starting to understand that no, I can't 'eat like everyone else does', because those people probably don't eat like I think they do.
It's also the whole thing that I would never let someone treat me the way I treat myself sometimes.

I think it was on someone's signature, something ot the effect of 'one day at a time', like saef said, about breaking it down into manageable parts. Small victories are much more uplifting than a huge downer.

Of course, like lots of people I wish I was 'naturally good' at dieting, but I'm not, hence why I do need to watch my weight.

Over the weekend I realized that I'm up to 179 (), and that it's starting to effect my physical health as well as mental. I also finally understand that the best thing I acn do for my husband short of giving him a kidney is to be healthy and be able to help him heal.

[Jane]

Please don't be embarassed! I've reached out many, many times over the years and have discussed things I wouldn't want to mention in "real life". That's what this support board is for.

I'm so glad to read that you're taking care of yourself as a way to care for your husband. One of my favorite sayings is, "After me, you first". As a mom and nurturer, it was very hard for me to get it, that if I am not healthy, and if I don't take time to get myself that way, then I am ultimately taking away from my family in the long run. It seemed so selfish at first, then a wise moderator here (Meg) helped me see the light.

I wish you (and your husband) the best.