I think I am going to beat this.
Pardon the rambling, but I had to put this somewhere.
I've had some major ups and downs with the first 20 pounds I lost as dieting brought me back so some old mindsets I had and forced me to actually face my emotions instead of eating them or starving them. The realization that these were deep emotional issues inspired me to be a bit more real with my therapist in the past couple of months, and to consider taking steps in terms of medication to help me get back on track. I have been taking an antidepressant for the past month, and continue to work with my therapist, and I'm seeing my emotional connections with food dissolve.
I eat when I'm physically hungry, stop when I'm full, and I don't feel guilty about it afterwards. Sometimes I eat too much, sometimes I eat too little, and either way, I don't beat myself up for it. Food is nothing more than fuel for my body. It is not a magical substance and it does possess any power over me. I am allowed to leave the table without cleaning my plate. Just because I don't eat something someone gives me does not mean I don't love them. My weight is just a number. It is how I track my progress, but it is not a measurement of my self-worth. It is not an indicator how how attractive I am or whether I should leave the house that day. There is no point in weighing myself multiple times a day because my body is neither magically expanding with every calorie eaten nor magically disappearing with every calorie burned.
I may slip sometimes. I may not be 100 percent perfect, but who is? I may not be fully recovered from all of the emotional issues lying behind all of this, but that is why I am continuing to work on it every day. But it's so nice to finally realize that I can do this.
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