[MyBestYear]

This is a thread talking to myself, so if it helps you, great! lol

Being a person who yo-yo dieted, and starved herself/binge cycled up to over 300 lbs, this weight loss journey is an exercise (no pun intended!) in learning how to *think* differently in addition to learning how to eat differently. It is a lesson in learning how to control my mind in addition to controlling my portions. It is a lesson in letting go of the all/nothing attitude that was behind many a failure.

So, it is Easter and I 'splurged' a bit BUT the amazing thing (to me anyway) is:

I still counted every calorie and ended up at or a couple hundred below maintenance calories - so I may not have had a deficit, but I will not gain any either!

I allowed myself a half a fun-sized bag of one of my favorite candies!! Only 100 calories (I counted the individual pieces) and I didn't binge! I didn't eat the whole bag and then some! I didn't use it as a spring board to hate myself or go overboard! That alone is a SUCCESS!

Later in the evening I had half a cup of caramel popcorn. Not the whole bag! Not going back for 'one more handful' and only counting the half cup calories!!

I had the same dinner every one else had - but reasonable...dare I say, small???... portions! I didn't go back for seconds! I didn't lie to myself about calories! I didn't stuff myself and live the night in guilt speaking hateful to myself inside and swearing I would only eat 500 calories 'tomorrow'.

...and I am back to eating 'losing' calories tomorrow. Today was a win, even though I ate maintenance calories

Thank Jesus, seriously, you all don't know (or some probably do!) just how big those things are to me. It is like, I am really learning how to, I dunno, live in the world and not just my 'diet bubble' and remain in control.

I still have a longggg way to go but I was so happy

[Raichu]

CONGRATULATIONS!! I battle myself all the time when I splurge and hit maintenance level, and you're absolutely right -- it's NOT failing!

[sweetnlow28]

That is a great accomplishment . I can relate to the lying to yourself about the amount of calories you ate. I used to do that too, and still catch myself sometimes. IMO dieting is half physical and half mental. The little games our minds play with us can sabotage the best efforts. Good for you for overcoming old habits. Occasionally eating at maintenance levels is actually good for the metabolism

[kaplods]

I strongly believe that "this time" has been different, only because I decided, almost from the very start, that I would not define maintenance as failure.

In the past, when getting on the scale, I felt virtually the same sense of shame and disappointment whether I saw a small loss, no loss, or a gain. They all felt like failure. Only big losses felt like success (and I often ruined the experience of success by wishing it had been bigger, and obsessing over every possible way I could have lost MORE weight than I had - "I've lost 6 lbs this week, but it would have been 7 if I had exercised every day like I planned).

In the past, I've been my own worst enemy - not only in making poor choices, but in treating myself like crap when I made good choices, because I hadn't made better choices. I found that hating myself thin, wasn't a very effective strategy (and I wasn't very good at it, because deep down I didn't believe that I really deserved the kind of punishment I was giving myself).

It was almost like leaving an abusive partner (I would imagine, as I've never had an abusive partner other than myself). I often joke that I have multiple personality disorder, but all my personalities have the same name and memories. Master sadist Colleen had to go, so I dumped her. It wasn't easy and for a while, I even missed her, thinking I couldn't live without her. Treating myself with dignity and respect, could that work?

On one hand, happy Colleen and confident Colleen have always existed - but so has weak Colleen, fearful Colleen, and self-sadist Colleen. It's been a struggle to make sure the negative aspects of myself don't gain and keep control.

It's like swimming upstream sometimes, because I've been trained and conditioned by family and culture to think weight control is SUPPOSED TO involve a lot of suffering and self-recriminations. If I'm not making myself miserable, I must be doing it wrong. I KNOW differently, but I don't always FEEL differently.

[liv4god4evr]

Thank you so much for this post! I actually have tears in my eyes, because I have been really down on myself because I don't feel like I am losing fast enough. I needed to hear this! Not losing is better than gaining!

[astrophe]

way to go!

Life things happen, and sometimes the best strategy is to practice the "maintaining skills" rather than the "actively losing" ones.

That realization makes coping on the journey a lot easier, and once "permanently maintaining" time comes, your skills will be sharp.

GL!
A.

[ricepapr]

That's rad news and I'm glad to hear it--both for you and for myself.

[NorthernExposure]

Great thread...my thoughts exactly!

[Lexxiss]

Congrats! and thanks for sharing. It's taken me a long time to lose the weight I've lost, and I still have a way to go....but it's been 5 years without a gain. I hope you pat yourself on the back for such a successful day and then for getting right back on track.

[MyBestYear]

Thanks all! I had another maintenance day today, partly because we are having out of town guests and well, ya know how it is! The good news is, I am counting every calorie and not going over maintenance, even though it is a tad tough to see every calorie on the sheet of paper (when I am used to the starving/binging/self-hatred method of weight loss) -- but I am zig-zagging so my lower calorie days balance these out.

I actually lost 3 lbs this week so I am becoming more of a believer in calorie cycling (zig-zagging)!

Lexxis, thanks for sharing -- I have resolved that even if it takes 5 years to lose what I need, I will stay the course. As long as I don't gain, even losing 25 lbs a year is a success.

I believe that any time I am keeping off what I lost and losing (even 'small' losses) is a success.

We aren't seeing the out-of-town guests tomorrow so my strategy is to have a lower calorie day to balance out (but not crazy low, like 1400-1500).

I also love that I am being real with my calorie counts and not being all self deprecating, or feeling like I've 'blown' the whole thing so might as well binge etc... -- I see a real mind-shift there

Thanks for the input