[0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0]

Well, i've been up all night! [it's snowing!!! yay!!! it's a little bit of nothing...about 4 inches...but it's still so awesome to see since it's Raleigh,NC and we never see any snow =[]
But as fun as the snow is, i'm slacking.
I'm literally, too scared and nervous, to work out.
I do minor stuff, like walk to the store the long way, walk up the stairs twice, but i'm just too affraid to do much else.
This thing with my heart is scary.
I mean i much rather have problems with my joints or stomach or apendix, or WHATEVER.....compared to my heart.
The heart is a scary thing to have go wrong....

I have these attack without doing anything at all.
It's just, scary.

And i keep getting fooled with these grace periods of a month or so.........and then BAM its back.
I keep freaking out about heart disease.....i match all the symptoms, but luckily those symptoms mostly match Hypertension too and Anxiety.
But we're not getting the insurance until MARCH first now! so, here's to another month fat, and another month waiting to see a doctor.

But hey..........i've been a decade without a family doctor.........i can do a month.



I'm just so depressed.
I want friends
I want a boyfriend that i don't have to settle for, because he was the only dude in the crowd who likes fat-chicks o_o
GAH!
I've never had a real BF.
I've dated one guy.
For like, a week......then i found out he a psycho ex gf with 2 of his kids..........plus he hated white ppl.......AND HE WAS WHITE! how stupid is that? he hated jews too.....wanted me to call him by his new muslim name. O_O *will never date a guy from the bus station again - LOL*
Not even going to ENTERTAIN a racist. o_o *puke*



And i have no friends.........gah.
Ever since high school, i lost all my friends there since i dropped out early.....[i was too self-concious.........jr. high i got picked on, not badly at all - i was lucky i went to an awsm school, but enough that i noticed it a bit but MAN h.s. was insanely different. Not movies-bad, but man, ppl stared at me, and came up to me and asked me "what are you" and this guy none of us knew started sayin i should go on jenny craig i mean GAH it was so random too............out of no where. i knew then i couldn't do it.........so yah. I got my GED in a month though, with honors, 3.6 GPA! =D.........but i missed the whole fun HS experience.


I hate being lonely.
i hate being broke
i hate being fat.
and i hate hate hate hate HATE being lonely., o_o






*stops rambling*





i probably made BUNCHES of typos.......im too blah to go read over this.
it felt good to type though......somewhat.

[femmecreole]

3.6 GPA??
Forget thinking about the past and high school....get to a college!
New Friends, New Life, New YOU!!!
Shut the old door and open a new one.

Don't ever count on other people to make you happy....only YOU have the power to make yourself happy. I tell my kids at school that all the time. Don't give YOUR power to other people.

[Mariella]

Heart palpitations also come with thyroid issues. Please see a doctor soon! I read another post of yours in which I believe you were waiting for insurance to do that? Make it a priority to see your doctor as soon as you are financially able to.

Yes, enroll in school, get involved in some community work, volunteering anything that will get you out for a few hours and meeting new people. Don't wait til you lose weight to make your life better. Do what you can do, now.

[missjkd]

Take courses at your local community college. You will be surprised by how many people you will meet. Once the weight starts coming off you will feel much better. Don't get discouraged.

[Cute n Chunky]

Hey Darlin', great to see another North Carolinian here! Girl, don't you EVER feel like a loser - you are a beautiful, awesome person - and you know how I know that? Cause God don't make no junk!!

I was right where you are many years ago - but I was in a much worse place than you...I was in an abusive marriage. TRUST me when I tell you, there are MUCH worse things than not having a man!! Don't settle like I did - wait for a GOOD man to come along. This is achieved though prayer. Let me tell you a little story...

While I was married, my a-hole husband wouldn't allow me to have friends. He beat me for anything and everything - but most of all because I had bought a computer and made some online friends. He would not have that. When I laughed aloud at what people posted in the chatroom, he demanded I get rid of my computer. When I told him no, he tried to bust it. When I screamed at him to stop, he slammed me to the floor, stomped me, kicked me, dragged me by my hair, before pulling me up (by my hair), standing me against the wall, and busting me in my nose with his fist. My son saw it all, he was crying and said "Mom, there's blood on the wall"...the wall behind my head.

I finally got my kids out of that nightmare, and was making it on my own - but I got lonely. I asked a neighbor to hook me up with somebody she knew. He was a very nice-looking guy and I almost instantly fell in love. I let him move in with me...problem was, he didn't work - couldn't work because he liked his weed more than passing a drug test. So I paid all the bills - for 3 years. Meanwhile, he cheated and got women's phone numbers while chatting online on MY computer while I was at work. I finally put him out, but not after he made me feel like I was worth nothing...screaming at me, telling me I was stupid and I couldn't do anything right. So believe me when I say sometimes you're so much better off single.

The heart thing you're experiencing is most likely from stress. I had palpitations and had to be put on medicine for panic disorder. I think you should talk with your doctor and tell him all the stress you've been under. But most of all, make some FRIENDS! You've got access to a whole world right at your fingertips - it's called the internet. 3 of the best friends I've ever had I met online. One lived right in my own town! One has been my friend for over 8 years - we lost touch one time for 3 or 4 years...although my address and phone number had changed, she used online resources to track me down, and we've never lost touch since! These women are very special to me - because I know they were sent to me by God. He heard my prayer all those nights I cried to Him, asking him why I had no friends - He sent me angels instead!

You have one new friend Darlin - ME! I'm April, and I'm very glad to meet you! Call on me anytime!! Add me to your friend's list, and we'll exchange contact info, if you'd like! Take care Dear One - God loves you, and so do I!!!

~April~ - a dragonfly for every 5 lbs I lose!!!

[Cute n Chunky]

P.S.

My sister told me one day that she was praying for me to find a good man. In her words "...not just a man, but a GOOD man!" I asked her why on earth would I want a man - my life was just fine as it was. My sons are grown and my life was very calm and peaceful. Well, lo and behold, a man came along. John is a good, kind man who loves me dearly. I checked into him before getting involved, and all I heard were good things - he has NEVER hit a woman, he's never cheated, although he's been cheated on every time, and he's been working since he was a kid doing odd jobs to save money for things he wanted.

Sounded mighty good to me - and so it began... Don't ever settle - make sure the next man is worthy of you - BE picky...you deserve someone who meets YOUR criteria - not the other way around. Until you meet that man, and through prayer, you WILL...be content with your freedom - there are SO many worse things than loneliness!!!

~April~ - a dragonfly for every 5 lbs I lose!!!!

[Cute n Chunky]

Originally Posted by Mariella

Heart palpitations also come with thyroid issues. Please see a doctor soon!

One more thing, Mariella is absolutely right! When my thyroid was acting up a few years back, I found that when I tried to lay down at night, my heart would jump around in my chest like mad. Scared the begeezus outta me, but medication soon cleared that up. Mine was called Hashimoto's Thyroiditus, which is low thyroid - simply put, your thyroid isn't working as well as it should, which can cause weight gain, dry skin, hair loss from dry, brittle hair, sensitivity to hot or cold conditions, etc. Please have this checked right away - don't wait for insurance...go to your local health department - it's free. The thyroid can have a major impact on your heart, although it doesn't mean you have heart problems...it just controls your metabolism, which is basically your heart-rate.

Take care, and let me know how it goes...

~April~ - a dragonfly for every 5 lbs I lose!!!!

[LotusMama]

Kimo:

[ohmanda]

Except for the heart palpitations, my life sounds much like yours...

[giselley]

I don't think hypertension is ever trivialized by real doctors. Can you get a short term perscription to tide you over? Someone mentioned the health department. They usually have ways to get needed health care.

As for the man and friends and so on, I understand totally. I also think that when you get a red-flag like you did with the racist guy you dated, or the men who are fetishists, you should run for the hills as fast as you can.

At the risk of sounding like you've heard this a million times, you need to hang out where "good people" are. That's where you will meet those good people. I think the best ways to meet people is to join clubs like meet-ups which would appeal to people with good characters. I like helping and voulenteering with homeless animals, and also belong to a smart-people's society (like MENSA). I meet lots of interesting people at the events they have.

Also, on-line is a good alternative way to go to college. I am getting a degree which will lead me to a job where I will get at least 30-40K to start. Where I live, that will mean a comfortable living, and I will be a respected professional, not just a factory worker. There are many jobs that will be in demand, and that pay well-- that's how you get out of the poverty situation-- and it is a good way to meet people as well.

[moveforward73]

Except for the heart palpitations, my life sounds much like yours...

I 2nd. I'm in the same boat. Settleing got me a beautiful daughter, but a NUTCASE of and ex.

I'm on Zoloft to help coop. I have terrible anixity and anger issues. When I first tried weight loss last year I went into complete melt downs when I felt I couldn't eat anything. It was awful. This time around I went back on my meds. I'm still misserable, but I'm staying for the most part within plan.

Good Luck. Try to find inner strength, I know it's hard, I can't find mine most of the time, but it comes out every once in a while.

[iluvtori]

#1 you aren't a zero! You are a beautiful girl who matters greatly,to your family, God and everything you interact with in life.

You are probably to young to realize this but "boyfriends" don't need to be a priority in life. Getting an eduation, educating yourself about health and fitness & getting yourself healthy, make those your priority and I guarantee you that this too shall pass, but not only will it pass you will be successful and will think back to these times and say, look how much I've overcome!

[babygrant]

Another thing with the heart palpitations, my thyroid levels are fine and I'd already checked them, but as soon as I really really reduced my caffeine intake my heaert palpitations disappeared!!!

[0o0o KimoKawaii o0o0]

Originally Posted by femmecreole

3.6 GPA??
Forget thinking about the past and high school....get to a college!
New Friends, New Life, New YOU!!!
Shut the old door and open a new one.

Don't ever count on other people to make you happy....only YOU have the power to make yourself happy. I tell my kids at school that all the time. Don't give YOUR power to other people.

You're totally right........i really want to get into college.......but now i'm waffeling on what i want to do.......i mean my dream job is out of my reach because i'm sure my portfolio is going to get rejected....i mean i'm sending it into SVA anyways, but i'm sure it's not good enough o_o So if i can't get into animation, i'm REALLY at a lost to what to do.......

And you are exactly right when you say i shouldn't count on others to make me happy, but after half a decade of having no friends and no life, im tired of making myself happy........i want others to help me with that job......and just have fun with other ppl.......not myself, playstation, the computer, and a box of pizza =\ lo

Originally Posted by Mariella

Heart palpitations also come with thyroid issues. Please see a doctor soon! I read another post of yours in which I believe you were waiting for insurance to do that? Make it a priority to see your doctor as soon as you are financially able to.

Yes, enroll in school, get involved in some community work, volunteering anything that will get you out for a few hours and meeting new people. Don't wait til you lose weight to make your life better. Do what you can do, now.

Yea i was wondering about the thyroid scenario..........the cardiologist asked if i had tested my thyroid, i said no, and he didn't follow up anymore on it......o_o

And even though you're right about not waiting to make my life better, in my head i feel like i have to.
because i feel like i wont be accepted or viewed as pretty until i lose the weight.............it's like i'm embarrassed to have people look at me the way i am now because i don't want them to think i'm ugly or something......... o_o

Originally Posted by missjkd

Take courses at your local community college. You will be surprised by how many people you will meet. Once the weight starts coming off you will feel much better. Don't get discouraged.

Yeah i did my GED online, so i didn't really spend anytime with people at the college, except when i went in to take my tests. o_o
If i can make up my mind, i want to be in college by this fall!

Originally Posted by Cute n Chunky

Hey Darlin', great to see another North Carolinian here! Girl, don't you EVER feel like a loser - you are a beautiful, awesome person - and you know how I know that? Cause God don't make no junk!!

I was right where you are many years ago - but I was in a much worse place than you...I was in an abusive marriage. TRUST me when I tell you, there are MUCH worse things than not having a man!! Don't settle like I did - wait for a GOOD man to come along. This is achieved though prayer. Let me tell you a little story...

While I was married, my a-hole husband wouldn't allow me to have friends. He beat me for anything and everything - but most of all because I had bought a computer and made some online friends. He would not have that. When I laughed aloud at what people posted in the chatroom, he demanded I get rid of my computer. When I told him no, he tried to bust it. When I screamed at him to stop, he slammed me to the floor, stomped me, kicked me, dragged me by my hair, before pulling me up (by my hair), standing me against the wall, and busting me in my nose with his fist. My son saw it all, he was crying and said "Mom, there's blood on the wall"...the wall behind my head.

I finally got my kids out of that nightmare, and was making it on my own - but I got lonely. I asked a neighbor to hook me up with somebody she knew. He was a very nice-looking guy and I almost instantly fell in love. I let him move in with me...problem was, he didn't work - couldn't work because he liked his weed more than passing a drug test. So I paid all the bills - for 3 years. Meanwhile, he cheated and got women's phone numbers while chatting online on MY computer while I was at work. I finally put him out, but not after he made me feel like I was worth nothing...screaming at me, telling me I was stupid and I couldn't do anything right. So believe me when I say sometimes you're so much better off single.

The heart thing you're experiencing is most likely from stress. I had palpitations and had to be put on medicine for panic disorder. I think you should talk with your doctor and tell him all the stress you've been under. But most of all, make some FRIENDS! You've got access to a whole world right at your fingertips - it's called the internet. 3 of the best friends I've ever had I met online. One lived right in my own town! One has been my friend for over 8 years - we lost touch one time for 3 or 4 years...although my address and phone number had changed, she used online resources to track me down, and we've never lost touch since! These women are very special to me - because I know they were sent to me by God. He heard my prayer all those nights I cried to Him, asking him why I had no friends - He sent me angels instead!

You have one new friend Darlin - ME! I'm April, and I'm very glad to meet you! Call on me anytime!! Add me to your friend's list, and we'll exchange contact info, if you'd like! Take care Dear One - God loves you, and so do I!!!

~April~ - a dragonfly for every 5 lbs I lose!!!

oh it's so so SO great to see someone from NC here!!!!
Lol @ "God don't make no junk!" Ah thanks for that one!! =D

Wow, you sure have been through quite a lot!
You're honestly like a walking inspiration.........and i'm so glad to hear you're out of that situation with you're husband now.


And you know, you're right.........the internet is an amazing place to meet friends!! But sadly, if you read my blog, i haven't used it as such...........for so long i've used fake pictures and fake personas, that now, i'm nervous about actually being me online..........i don't think anyone will care if my personality is cool or nice or whatever........they'll just see what i look like and write me off.....=\ Plus, it just feels really weird using my real pictures...........the reaction and etc just is so drastically different it's like i don't know how to take it =\ This is the only site i'm really me on........i tried being myself on this other site but no one talked to me and i got bored and pissed off and deleted my account o_o So it's kinda hard for me.....


BUT, at least i'm starting to make some now! It's great to meet you April you seem really amazing!!


And you know, when i read your "be picky" comment, i was SO thrilled! Because i've always stuck to my guns about never settling.......and i've always thought, i had the right to a little bit picky!! And to get some backing on that is so great! <3 <3



Oh wow, this thyroid thing is sound more and more like what i'm going through.
If i can get a check up done for free, then i can afford the prescriptions! But if not, then i'm going to wait until March 1st.....because the idea of more debt on my credit, is just too scary.........

Originally Posted by jrmohr

Kimo:

^_^ Thanks for that!!

Originally Posted by ohmanda

Except for the heart palpitations, my life sounds much like yours...

=[

Originally Posted by giselley

I don't think hypertension is ever trivialized by real doctors. Can you get a short term perscription to tide you over? Someone mentioned the health department. They usually have ways to get needed health care.

As for the man and friends and so on, I understand totally. I also think that when you get a red-flag like you did with the racist guy you dated, or the men who are fetishists, you should run for the hills as fast as you can.

At the risk of sounding like you've heard this a million times, you need to hang out where "good people" are. That's where you will meet those good people. I think the best ways to meet people is to join clubs like meet-ups which would appeal to people with good characters. I like helping and voulenteering with homeless animals, and also belong to a smart-people's society (like MENSA). I meet lots of interesting people at the events they have.

Also, on-line is a good alternative way to go to college. I am getting a degree which will lead me to a job where I will get at least 30-40K to start. Where I live, that will mean a comfortable living, and I will be a respected professional, not just a factory worker. There are many jobs that will be in demand, and that pay well-- that's how you get out of the poverty situation-- and it is a good way to meet people as well.

I'm looking into my local health departments first thing tomorrow morning!!


And you better believe the minute i got the red flag that he was a loser, i ran.

I absolutely LOVE animals....and have thought about getting involved with animal shelters here........but i kind of forgot about it until recently!
I tried to contact this local cat shelter, but they seem to ignore their e-mails, AND phone calls. SO, i should check into the ASPCA!!
That might give me something to do tomorrow or Thursday! - Thanks for the idea again!


I did my GED online, because the program could run well on a dial up computer with low memory. But a lot of these online colleges, just wouldn't work with my computer/connection right now! Hopefully when we move in a few months, i can get that straightened out.......

Congrats on the degree though, i wish you tons of luck & success!!

Originally Posted by moveforward73

I 2nd. I'm in the same boat. Settleing got me a beautiful daughter, but a NUTCASE of and ex.

I'm on Zoloft to help coop. I have terrible anixity and anger issues. When I first tried weight loss last year I went into complete melt downs when I felt I couldn't eat anything. It was awful. This time around I went back on my meds. I'm still misserable, but I'm staying for the most part within plan.

Good Luck. Try to find inner strength, I know it's hard, I can't find mine most of the time, but it comes out every once in a while.

I have anger problems too! Not in general, but when i do get frustrated i lash out a lot more then others probably would. =[ Which i hate..........but i'm just so tired of all the stress, and it pisses me off that stress, weather it be financially, or personally, is all i've known since like age 8.


Thanks for the good luck wishes, and i'll keep searching for the inner strength.....because i know it's the key to making this all work for me.
<3

Originally Posted by iluvtori

#1 you aren't a zero! You are a beautiful girl who matters greatly,to your family, God and everything you interact with in life.

You are probably to young to realize this but "boyfriends" don't need to be a priority in life. Getting an eduation, educating yourself about health and fitness & getting yourself healthy, make those your priority and I guarantee you that this too shall pass, but not only will it pass you will be successful and will think back to these times and say, look how much I've overcome!

Oh you're 150% right! Boys are not the end of the world and education is most definitely important!! Which is why im trying to jump on that band wagon asap!
But at the same time, i'd really like to have someone there with me......you know? Someone other than my mother, to care about me, would be nice. =)



Thank you so much. ^_^

Originally Posted by babygrant

Another thing with the heart palpitations, my thyroid levels are fine and I'd already checked them, but as soon as I really really reduced my caffeine intake my heaert palpitations disappeared!!!

Wow really??? Hmm...if i could find out what's triggering my heart palpitations, then maybe i could nix it in the bud!

I wonder if it's my terrible sleeping patterns.....or lack-there-of sleep. o_o

I should evaluate my diet and daily routine in detail......

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xoxoxo
*~ Violet ~*
<3