100 lb. Club - How do you drag yourself away from the brink of disaster?




TaraLee
09-12-2009, 09:52 AM
I'm sick...least I think I'm sick. It's like my body's starting to get sick. My throat is sore and itchy, my nose is hardly stuffy, I ache all over and I'm TIRED. And its been like this for 3 days; if I'm going to be sick could it just do it by now! I worked out out for 30 minutes one of those days, blew it off day 1 and yesterday and trying very hard to convince myself that I'm not sick enough to not do it today.
I'd love to say I've been watching what I'm eatting but I'm eatting whatever is the most convienant to make since I'm still cooking for the family because DH has been at work most of the time.
I'm also sorta afraid to start the working out again. Everytime I take a break (even my scheduled days off) I feel like I'm going to die the first time I do the workout.
And tbh, I'm really pissed. At myself, this bug, and just in general. I was doing so AWESOME before the bug showed up. I felt GREAT, I was powering through the workouts doing well with food.
To make matters worse the first day I came down with the bug I learned the fluzzy my husband cheated on me with (they didn't have sex but she was for the most part his g/f, kissing, texting, hours and hours of phone calls, dates) is trying to contact him again. She's done it 3 times now. It's been over a year and a half. She called him once cause she "thought" she saw him, emailed him once to tell him she hoped we were doing well and just did it again to let him know that she was doing the one thing HE never wanted her to do...lose weight. **** her and him. After the first month we met my husband had called me chubby, now he calls me fat (well, not recently since I've been activly losing weight). This girl is not thin...in fact I don't think she's even that pretty. It actually hurt me more to know my husband went for someone I'd call homely. Don't get me wrong, I'm no model or beauty queen, but at least a sexy Hooter's girl or something like that. It hurt myself esteem more that she wasn't...I mean, how ugly am I really that THAT was attractive. And I've checked her myspace page, she hasn't lost any weight that I can see...but I realize I'm biased and while I always thought it was wrong to HATE anyone, I really, really do HATE her. I wish awful things upon her, and that's just not me.
So now I'm in this stalled state. I know if I don't revive my efforts soon I'll be going down the relaspe road. I get the feeling drained, feeling achy and not wanting to work out. But its like this thing with that girl is just gotten in my head. Like maybe subconsciously I don't want to do anything she might be doing or something like that. I don't want us to be able to be viewed "alike" in anyway or comparitvily perhapes...I don't know. I'd really appreciate any input if anyone has any.


Pamela
09-12-2009, 10:22 AM
Sounds like you are dangerously close to using your anger with your hubby's past behavior as an excuse to behave badly towards yourself. It also seems that you are transferring your anger towards this girl instead of towards the DH, who deserves it. Irrespective of whether they slept together, he betrayed your trust, not her.

You need to get healthy for YOU. Gut check time, WV girl!

pegdav
09-12-2009, 10:23 AM
So sorry for what's going on in your life. I can totally relate to those feelings.

Regarding the bug, omigosh! That's exactly what I have. I also feel guilty because I'm not burning up with fever or anything so I feel like I should be working out and living my regular life. But I'm just so achy and tired! It was a relief to read your post. I just hope it passes soon -- for both of us.

I'm sending good healthy, happy thoughts your way.


ubergirl
09-12-2009, 10:26 AM
First, hugs!!! It sucks to be sick in general and with stress on top of it, it's hard.

But I KNOW you can do it because you are worth it.

I agree with Pamela!!!! You have done nothing wrong here. NOTHING.

Don't be the one to pay the consequences by abusing yourself with food. You deserve better.

TaraLee
09-12-2009, 10:31 AM
Pamela-
Don't you think they both sort of deserve it? She knew he was married. Anyways, DH and I worked/working past that part of our marriage, but now I'm just pissed at her for trying to keep herself present. I would think maybe DH was leading her on but the last 2 messages were Please leave us alone. He's changed his cell number, which left her only myspace (she moved to OK and we moved to WV). He's even deleting his myspace page since she's obviously not getting the message!

TaraLee
09-12-2009, 10:34 AM
Thanks guys. Going through that,it feels like I did something, ya know, to bring it on, like being fat.
Having been pondering on this for awhile...I think my abusing my body was my way of testing my husband. Sick but true. Like, how fat could I make myself and him still be around? Not consciously...I don't think I intentionally set out to do that, but I think it may have been in the back of my head, does that make since?

Alana in Canada
09-12-2009, 06:00 PM
TaraLee--I don't know you or your situation, so what I have to say here is really just my own opinion based on my own experience and it may be completely irrelevant to you.

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I "tested" my boyfriend's all the time. I would treat them badly--at first, I think it was because I really didn't know how to treat people well--but somehow I got a bit of a power kick out of it. Just how much sh*t would someone take from me--and still "love" me.

Then, when these poor fellows had had enough and "left" me, I would have my negative self-image reenforced--and I would feel vindicated that "no one loved me " and I wasn't "worth" loving.

I finally decided to stop playing these crazy games when I threatened to kill myself one night--and a part of me "did it" just to see what the guy's reaction would be.

Poor guy. He was a really good fellow--and he really did deserve someone better than messed up ol' me. I hope he found her.

That was 15 years ago: and I have dealt with a LOT of issues surrounding my perception of myself and my relationships with men. I have a wonderful husband--but we have had our problems, too.

It sounds like your husband has handled this appropriately--you were feeling threatened while she was trying to reestablish contact--and that's natural. I'm glad this has been resolved.

I think my abusing my body was my way of testing my husband.

Maybe. Maybe not. Don't borrow trouble. But if it is true, maybe it doesn't need to be true anymore. I mean, why would you "test" anyone? What does someone have to "do" to prove you are lovable?

By the way, no one passes that test. Ever.
No one can prove to you that your are lovable.
It's either something you believe about yourself (or come to believe) or you don't. If you don't no one can "proove" it to you. If you do, then no one has to.

And there, now I'm taking off my silly counselor's hat and sitting down. Like I said, this is just what I've learned about me and myself and may or may not be relevant to you. But, I hope it helps.

marigrace
09-12-2009, 07:14 PM
Hey Tara...You are the first person I have reached out to on this forum.
I had to talk with you.....
I just got over a miserable flue . It made me feel much worst about some things that have been going on in my life. The way I got through it (and this might work for you)...was by by taking extra good care myself ... Listen to what your body is telling you... Make some yummy lite nutritious soup, take a soothing bath with a little eucalyptus or lavender , get into bed and watch a movie, read a book......you know, just baby yourself .....Later on, when your feeling better you can rev up the exercise....And about that woman...don't let her ( or him) keep you from achieving your goals....that would just hurting yourself.

findingfawn
09-13-2009, 09:57 AM
:hug:

I'm not even sure what I want to say here. First I commend you for trying to keep your marriage together. I have told hubby from day 1, an affair is 100% a deal breaker (no matter if it's sexual, emotional or what ever). I would be gone and never ever look back. I have no respect for someone who cheats whether it be the married person or the "innocent" party (ha that's a load of crap). Yes, I have some skeletons in my closet ;)

As far as taking care of you.... YOU deserve to be healthy.. scr*w that girl! Is it possible that you are "making" yourself sick because of all of this stress? Maybe it's a subconscious thing because you are now in termoil about losing weight/not losing weight?

Again, lots and lots of :hug: